2nd affair- feeling hopeless

[llorona79]

This is the second affair that I have discovered in 5 years. The last one we reconciled and I thought we were doing well, but he told me on our 9th anniversary date that he was having another affair and this time is “real”. The funny thing is that he is using the exact same language to describe this woman that he used to describe the last (soul mate, never loved me, blah, blah, blah…). The only difference this time is that he is being colder and meaner towards me than last time. I can own my part and acknowledge that I contributed by not being vulnerable, but this one hurts more. I’m sure we will get through it, but he is refusing to cut contact with her. Just needed to vent. 

[glows]

There’s a high likelihood there’ll be a third, fourth, fifth and so on for as long as each AP is able to tolerate a married cheater who won’t leave his wife.

Are you ok with that?

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, llorona79 said:

This is the second affair that I have discovered in 5 years. The last one we reconciled and I thought we were doing well,.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately forgiving and forgetting is a green light for repeat bad behavior.

Do you have children? The best thing you can do is privately and confidentiality talk to an attorney about your options in divorce. Do Not Tell your husband, just gather information about your situation. You're better off being the plaintiff in the divorce than hoping this latest affair just goes away.

Make an appointment with your doctor. Discuss your husband's philandering and ask for STD testing. What he admits to or you stumble upon is the tip of the iceberg. Do not tell your husband. Immediately stop having sexual relations with him. Ask him to sleep in the guest room/on the sofa.

Ask your physician for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not discuss that with your husband. You'll need emotional support and guidance to help you manage all this and prepare for your next steps.

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, llorona79 said:

I’m sure we will get through it, but he is refusing to cut contact with her.

How exactly do you “get through it” if he is refusing to cut contact, tells you that he has never loved you, and is cold and mean towards you? 

11 hours ago, llorona79 said:

I can own my part and acknowledge that I contributed by not being vulnerable

Of course, you are not vulnerable, your husband has hurt you in the worst way that a man can hurt a woman - twice. It defies logic that you should trust and be vulnerable to this man - particularly now that you know there is a pattern of behavior here and he has shown no remorse. 

The first time, you reconcile and move forward. The second time, I would file for divorce. 

Edited November 7, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

My perspective as a man who has been in an affair.

I made the following contract with myself: "once is a slip, twice is a pattern".

If I ever catch myself in an affair with another woman again, I will draw the conclusion that apparently my marriage has lost its value to me. For me that means the following course of action: confess to my wife, remove myself from the home and file for divorce. That is, if she didn't get to the lawyer's office first, because I think she would file too if I did it again. 

This may sound a bit brash, but really what's the alternative? A woman who has to live with a man whom she doesn't trust or respect anymore? A man who's begging his wife to please give him another chance? And another? And how many more times? I don't see how that marriage could be viable to either of the two.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, llorona79 said:

I’m sure we will get through it, but he is refusing to cut contact with her.

How can you stay with a man who cares so little for you.  He isn't even trying to hide the fact that he's smitten with another woman again.  What will you do if he files for divorce and leaves you for this other woman?  Even if he doesn't leave you for this one he will sooner or later as you grow older.  Have you thought about that?

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Will am I said:

This may sound a bit brash, but really what's the alternative? A woman who has to live with a man whom she doesn't trust or respect anymore? A man who's begging his wife to please give him another chance? And another? And how many more times? I don't see how that marriage could be viable to either of the two.

This man isn't begging for anything.  He states what he wants and goes about getting it.  It's not like he's lying or even trying to sneak and see his OW.  He has already asked for a divorce.

[BaileyB]

13 hours ago, llorona79 said:

The funny thing is that he is using the exact same language to describe this woman that he used to describe the last (soul mate, never loved me, blah, blah, blah…). The only difference this time is that he is being colder and meaner towards me than last time.

It’s not funny. Don’t dismiss the fact that your husband is telling you that he does not love you, that he is in love with another woman. You can’t/shouldn’t attempt to reconcile with a man who is behaving in an emotionally abusive way toward you and telling you that he is in love with another woman. 

[Will am I]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This man isn't begging for anything.  He states what he wants and goes about getting it.  It's not like he's lying or even trying to sneak and see his OW.  He has already asked for a divorce.

I didn’t read anything about him asking for a divorce. 

Whatever he is trying to do in regard to his marriage, I think it’s not viable.

If he’s smart, he’s getting out. If she’s smart, she’s kicking him out.

[stillafool]

34 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I didn’t read anything about him asking for a divorce. 

Whatever he is trying to do in regard to his marriage, I think it’s not viable.

If he’s smart, he’s getting out. If she’s smart, she’s kicking him out.

 

 

Thanks Will,

I have that part mixed up with another thread.  Sorry OP about the divorce part of my post, but the rest stands.

[mark clemson]

16 hours ago, llorona79 said:

 he is refusing to cut contact with her.

I would think that would be a necessary first step in order for reconciliation to even begin.

You must make your own decisions, but personally I wouldn't tolerate this from a partner and believe I would leave/end the marriage.

[Will am I]

Exactly.

As long as he keeps his OW around, there is no reconciliating the marriage. The word “reconciliate” means to fix a damaged relationship and being it back into the state before things went sour.

What OP’s husband is proposing is to establish a whole new love triangle. That’s a very different concept than to reconciliate the damaged marriage.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

Thanks Will,

I have that part mixed up with another thread.  Sorry OP about the divorce part of my post, but the rest stands.

To be fair, he is essentially asking for her to file for divorce - but telling her that he doesn’t love her, he’s found someone else, etc… That is basically a declaration of an intent to be divorced - at least, that’s how I would hear it. 

[Will am I]

Or for an “open marriage” in which he won’t have to pay alimony, will receive home cooked meals and gets to engage in sex with his AP or any other woman he wants.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think there is any "getting through" this one, OP. 

He doesn't appear to be involved in your marriage anymore, and is laying the groundwork to leave you for her. I'm sorry. It's time to start thinking of a future without him. He will do this again and again, otherwise, 

[llorona79]

So these responses are not helpful. My husband wants to reconcile and has plans to cut it off with his AP, but has not been able to. He has explicitly stated that he wants to work it out with me and not divorce, but he is struggling with depression and his judgment is clouded. I didn’t come here to have people tell me that I need to divorce when that is not an option and my marriage is worth saving. Thanks, but no thanks. 

[glows]

In your first post you mentioned he’s refusing to cut contact with her. Your tone was one in pain and frustration. 

It’s not going to work with another woman in the background because it hurts you. I think if we’re talking about denial then possibly. Denial is a coping mechanism for pain.

Have you sought therapy in private to try to bring any of your thoughts to the surface? You tried in your first post to vent and speak out.

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, llorona79 said:

I didn’t come here to have people tell me that I need to divorce when that is not an option and my marriage is worth saving. Thanks, but no thanks. 

It sounds like your husband wants to do right by you but he's too in love with the OW to give her up.  That's not going to work.  He won't be happy and neither will you.  I won't tell you to divorce him if you feel you can handle that arrangement.  But beware he sounds addicted and like most addicts there will be relapses.

[llorona79]

Yes, I was in pain because I had discovered they were still talking after he was trying no contact. When I stated he wasn’t cutting it off, I didn’t mention that he is starting to see her for who she really is and it’s falling apart with her, but with many affairs, the affair has to fizzle out in its own and so that’s the part where he is refusing to cut contact for now. He has acknowledged that he needs to stop for this to work. I am not in denial, I can own my own part in this. I know he needs to get out of the affair fog and that it won’t work out unless he deals with his own issues and shows remorse. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, llorona79 said:

He has explicitly stated that he wants to work it out with me and not divorce, but he is struggling with depression and his judgment is clouded.

 

Sounds like he needs treatment for the depression AND to stop seeing his OW.

If you want to accept rationalizations for continuing his affairs and stay married anyhow, no one here will stop you. Marriages where the husband cheats and the wife knows about it but stays anyhow are common enough to be cliche.

However, there's not much advice to give, if that's your intent. "Stick it out." "Make the best of it."  "Find other things that make you happy."

If you want to get him to stop cheating, insist that he stop. IF he won't, you only have so many options.

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, llorona79 said:

Yes, I was in pain because I had discovered they were still talking after he was trying no contact. When I stated he wasn’t cutting it off, I didn’t mention that he is starting to see her for who she really is and it’s falling apart with her, but with many affairs, the affair has to fizzle out in its own and so that’s the part where he is refusing to cut contact for now. He has acknowledged that he needs to stop for this to work. I am not in denial, I can own my own part in this. I know he needs to get out of the affair fog and that it won’t work out unless he deals with his own issues and shows remorse. 

What is your part in this?  Being a betrayed wife?   

Even if he is seeing the real her that doesn't mean he's going to stop loving her or wanting her.  That is the reason he won 't cut contact.

[Will am I]

5 hours ago, llorona79 said:

So these responses are not helpful.

I don't think anyone is attacking you. We read a woman who is suffering under the repeated infidelity of her husband. I feel the responses have your best interest in mind.

5 hours ago, llorona79 said:

My husband wants to reconcile [...]

Apparently so do you. I think that's awesome. As long as you don't lose yourself in chasing after your husband.

What if you reconcile again, a couple of years go by, and you catch your husband again? Woldn't that make you feel completely devastated and full of regret and resentment over the wasted years? I think that's what people around here are concerned about.

 

5 hours ago, llorona79 said:

[...] and has plans to cut it off with his AP, but has not been able to.

Now this sends shivers down my spine. He wants to cut it off but is unable to? How does that work?

He can give her a phone call and tell her that he's sorry for keeping her on a leash all this time, but he has decided to commit to his wife.

Of course he knows how to do that. But apparently he doesn't have the nerve to do it.

If you're serious about reconciling, the very first thing he should be able to do is to explain to you what's holding him back. 

 

5 hours ago, llorona79 said:

He has explicitly stated that he wants to work it out with me and not divorce, but he is struggling with depression and his judgment is clouded.

Depression does that. Makes everything seem pointless. Gives people the idea that it's better to just walk away.

But being in love with an OW is also a big cloud in judgement.

It occurs to me that depression is the more socially acceptible answer between the two.

Here's a quick hint on how to discern between the two: depressed men do not have much of a libido. Men who are in love with OW do.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, llorona79 said:

I didn’t come here to have people tell me that I need to divorce when that is not an option and my marriage is worth saving

You don't really get to tell people how to advise you, either.

I am not sure what you expect to hear, but you can't be surprised that many of us have encouraged you to end this marriage. Because from the outside, with two affairs and a husband refusing to cut contact with his OW, it is absolutely not a marriage worth saving.

It's a marriage of convenience for him, at this point. What are you going to do if someday he wants a divorce? You won't have the option then, as you can't make someone stay married to you. He is free to leave, too. You would be wise to speak to an attorney in case he somedays decides that this marriage is not worth saving anymore. Inform yourself ahead of time so you won't be blindsided in the event that he leaves you for one of these women.

5 hours ago, llorona79 said:

he is starting to see her for who she really is and it’s falling apart with her,

I hope you are not taking solace in this. Why not? Because the affair isn't falling apart because he loves you and wants to make it work with you, but only because his other option isn't working out like he thought. That's bad news for you, and not the glimmer of hope you appear to be interpreting it as. 

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, llorona79 said:

I was in pain because I had discovered they were still talking after he was trying no contact. When I stated he wasn’t cutting it off, I didn’t mention that he is starting to see her for who she really is and it’s falling apart with her, but with many affairs, the affair has to fizzle out in its own and so that’s the part where he is refusing to cut contact for now. He has acknowledged that he needs to stop for this to work.

What is he doing to help him to end this affair and recommit to his marriage aside from letting time pass with the hope that his relationship with the other woman fizzles out? Is he attending individual counselling? Because if he is not, he needs to be - 

Unfortunately, his words don’t match his actions. He tells you that he wants his marriage, but he continues to be in contact with his affair partner. Until his words match his actions, I would not consider staying in the marriage. And even then, I don’t think that I could stay. I’m sorry, I just would not buy the story that he chooses his marriage after he has chosen twice to be unfaithful and he continues to be in contact with his affair partner. Right now, he is choosing his marriage and his affair partner - as many married men do. 

I’m sorry that your marriage is at risk but that is not your fault. You have been a good and loyal partner. But for a marriage to be worth saving, you can not be the only person committed to the marriage. And right now, you are. 

 

 

Edited November 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, llorona79 said:

 I can own my own part in this.

What exactly is your part in his chronic philandering?

To be clear, my advice was to get tested for STDs and consult an attorney for information in the event that you wish to divorce.

While he admits to this latest affair, if you've had sex in the meantime, you don't know what he's bringing back to you.