I'm feeling haunted

[lftbehind]

Hi, I was on here last Spring talking about AP. He was working on a contract at my company and his home is Seven hundred fifty miles away from here. I knew that he would have to move away once his contract was up. I saw him for 2 1/2 months and fell in love with him. I never told him, but I did tell him that I had feelings for him. He said that he had feeling for me, too. We got along well and always had fun together. He made me feel so good about myself and I felt special. My husband and I have problems. He gets mad at me for little reason and he was also mean to my mom, who has dementia. We've had problems for awhile. I stopped sleeping with AP after a month and a half and we stopped talking a month after that. I didn't want to do it, but I felt that I had to. He kept working at my company and he would wave to me when he walked by, but we talked very little. The other day he came up to me and told me that he was retiring and moving back to his state. He hugged me goodbye and that sort of triggered me. I guess that it reminded me of when we used to hug and be close. I cried a lot that night and I miss him. Maybe part of me was hoping that somehow we might be able to be together, but I know that I won't see him again. I keep thinking about him. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

. My husband and I have problems. He gets mad at me for little reason and he was also mean to my mom, who has dementia. We've had problems for awhile.

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe his departure will give you the courage to address taking the steps you need to get away from your abusive alcoholic husband. Keep in mind often affairs are just a band-aid on a malignant marriage. They cover the problems but don't fix them. Start by at least talking to an attorney confidentially about your options in the event of a divorce. That may give you hope for a better life ahead.

[Will am I]

This is the part where you need to be the strongest version of you.

AP: he’s gone. Which is good, you recognize that.

What affair partners represent is often a distraction from your marriage. Even is the actual affair ended a while ago, some of the distraction may have remained just by the fact that AP was still present.

Now that AP is really gone it kind of forces your attention back to your husband. Who is still around and collecting a few more red flags along the way.

What are your plans?

What will be your future if you stay in the marriage? What if you leave?

[lftbehind]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. Maybe his departure will give you the courage to address taking the steps you need to get away from your abusive alcoholic husband. Keep in mind often affairs are just a band-aid on a malignant marriage. They cover the problems but don't fix them. Start by at least talking to an attorney confidentially about your options in the event of a divorce. That may give you hope for a better life ahead.

I think it is a blessing in disguise. I was surprised that I got so upset over his leaving, when I haven't talked to him in months. I haven't been able to get the courage to leave my husband, yet. The economy is so bad now, it's scary to think about trying to make it on my own. I think that he would get mean if I asked for a divorce and I'm not sure what he would do. I can try to look into talking to an attorney. 

[lftbehind]

24 minutes ago, Will am I said:

This is the part where you need to be the strongest version of you.

AP: he’s gone. Which is good, you recognize that.

What affair partners represent is often a distraction from your marriage. Even is the actual affair ended a while ago, some of the distraction may have remained just by the fact that AP was still present.

Now that AP is really gone it kind of forces your attention back to your husband. Who is still around and collecting a few more red flags along the way.

What are your plans?

What will be your future if you stay in the marriage? What if you leave?

I do need to be strong now. He was a distraction and maybe I felt some kind of security having him around, but I thought that I was over him. I guess time will help me get totally over him. 

The focus is on my husband and it is hard to face the way that he acts sometimes. He is just mean sometimes and he rarely apologizes. He was very mean to my mom a few times and she got very upset. She said that no one had ever talked to her the way that he had. He's been meaner to me than anyone had ever been, too. I would never treat anyone in his family that way. 

I don't have plans, yet. It's depressing to think about the future with my husband, but I wouldn't struggle to pay bills. I think that I may need to take some action sometime. 

[Will am I]

I believe you should not be in a relationship because of fear of leaving the relationship. 

And when you speak about the economy, which part specifically? is this about the housing market, are you afraid that you won’t be able to find a place of your own?

is it about increasing cost of living, which would make it harder to balance your budget?

It’s probably not about to labor market because you do have a job.

The reason for me to challenge you and make this more specific, is that I’m calling you out on your fear. I think that maybe you might be hiding about an abstract concept of “the economy” when the real issue is that you’re afraid of the major life change.

It’s ok to be afraid. Maybe you have other fears than the one you mentioned. But you can do this. You have options. You will be okay.

Edited October 30, 2022 by Will am I

[Wiseman2]

50 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

 if I asked for a divorce and I'm not sure what he would do. I can try to look into talking to an attorney. 

You don't have to "ask" for a divorce.  A divorce is a legal dissolution of the marriage. You don't need permission. It's a unilateral decision where you would be the plaintiff, once you file.

All you need to do is talk to an attorney privately and confidentiality. Do not discuss that with him. After getting some facts about your situation, start planning your departure. 

As far as support for now, look into Al-Anon. It's a support group for people Involved with alcoholics who have trouble leaving them. Perhaps people have insights for you there. Stop telling your husband everything and keep him away from your mother. Look into some long-term care facilities for her.

Edited October 30, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Will am I]

Yes, I second that. It takes two to be married so naturally it only takes one to end a marriage. You can file unilaterally.

 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, lftbehind said:

The economy is so bad now, it's scary to think about trying to make it on my own.

If you live in Europe, the economy is bad. But if you’re in North America, it’s pretty much full employment, which means anybody who wants a job can get one. Still scary of course. But lots of opportunities out there right now.

[glows]

Speak with a lawyer in private (on your own) and have a good understanding first. If your husband is abusive, even emotionally and verbally, or you believe the marriage is over, follow your lawyer’s instructions. It’s important you have the correct legal advice according to your specific situation and jurisdiction.

The AP had fun with you and is gone. You’re thinking about him but he’s no longer in your life. Do address your marriage.

[Will am I]

A few thoughts that I think are greatly beneficial to you @LeftBehind

 

There are not so many outcomes for your marriage. Three actually.

1. you work with your husband and fix things so you will be happy in your marriage;

2. you leave the marriage;

3. things will continue along the current path and you will be unhappily married.

The important realization is that there are only these three options, and that #3 is the default outcome if you don’t take action. Let this sink in. Obviously you don’t want to keep going down this path, so your real question is between options 1 and 2. Your natural tendency will probably gravitate towards improving the marriage (because it’s much less scary than a divorce). But to fix your marriage you and your husband need to be motivated and capable. How do you assess these matters? Are you motivated? Is he? Is he capable or has alcohol incapacitated him?

 

The other thought is that you should get rid of you fear of divorce for any successful outcome. My own marriage is in a transformative period right now. I needed to ditch my own fear of divorce before I was able to start this transformation with my wife.

Edited October 30, 2022 by Will am I

[lftbehind]

9 hours ago, Will am I said:

I believe you should not be in a relationship because of fear of leaving the relationship. 

And when you speak about the economy, which part specifically? is this about the housing market, are you afraid that you won’t be able to find a place of your own?

is it about increasing cost of living, which would make it harder to balance your budget?

It’s probably not about to labor market because you do have a job.

The reason for me to challenge you and make this more specific, is that I’m calling you out on your fear. I think that maybe you might be hiding about an abstract concept of “the economy” when the real issue is that you’re afraid of the major life change.

It’s ok to be afraid. Maybe you have other fears than the one you mentioned. But you can do this. You have options. You will be okay.

It isn't good to be in a relationship because of fear of leaving. Housing is expensive where I live and people rent rooms in other people's houses. I hardly make enough to even do that. There are other jobs out there, but most of them pay about the same. I would have to move somewhere else, probably. 

I'm definitely afraid of making a big life change and afraid of being totally alone. I also have some health issues and I don't think that I could afford to take care of them alone. I'm also in my 50's and it's hard to start over. 

Thanks for the encouragement. I hope that I'm okay, I get depressed about everything. 

 

[glows]

Don’t move until you speak with a lawyer. Know your rights and the laws pertaining to your property. Who owns the home? You’re not expected to know what to do in such a big life change like divorce. Please speak with a lawyer if only for a consultation.

Change is very hard but weigh your risks and advantages.

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't have to "ask" for a divorce.  A divorce is a legal dissolution of the marriage. You don't need permission. It's a unilateral decision where you would be the plaintiff, once you file.

All you need to do is talk to an attorney privately and confidentiality. Do not discuss that with him. After getting some facts about your situation, start planning your departure. 

As far as support for now, look into Al-Anon. It's a support group for people Involved with alcoholics who have trouble leaving them. Perhaps people have insights for you there. Stop telling your husband everything and keep him away from your mother. Look into some long-term care facilities for her.

I guess that I would have to be ready to leave him as soon as I told him that I wanted a divorce. I think that he would make my life miserable until I left. 

I went to Al-Anon meetings before and they depressed me. They just listed when I talked, but didn't really give any advice. My husband got mad at me when he found out I was going there. He doesn't drink as much now, but uses pot a lot. My mom has been in a long-term care facility for a year. It is better if they have limited contact. She was calling him to talk. 

[lftbehind]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Speak with a lawyer in private (on your own) and have a good understanding first. If your husband is abusive, even emotionally and verbally, or you believe the marriage is over, follow your lawyer’s instructions. It’s important you have the correct legal advice according to your specific situation and jurisdiction.

The AP had fun with you and is gone. You’re thinking about him but he’s no longer in your life. Do address your marriage.

It's good advice to talk to a lawyer and get specific advice for myself, because every case it different. That's a good recommendation. 

You're right about AP having fun with me and he's gone. I had a lot of feelings for him and thought that I was over him. I think time will help. 

[lftbehind]

42 minutes ago, Will am I said:

A few thoughts that I think are greatly beneficial to you @LeftBehind

 

There are not so many outcomes for your marriage. Three actually.

1. you work with your husband and fix things so you will be happy in your marriage;

2. you leave the marriage;

3. things will continue along the current path and you will be unhappily married.

The important realization is that there are only these three options, and that #3 is the default outcome if you don’t take action. Let this sink in. Obviously you don’t want to keep going down this path, so your real question is between options 1 and 2. Your natural tendency will probably gravitate towards improving the marriage (because it’s much less scary than a divorce). But to fix your marriage you and your husband need to be motivated and capable. How do you assess these matters? Are you motivated? Is he? Is he capable or has alcohol incapacitated him?

 

The other thought is that you should get rid of you fear of divorce for any successful outcome. My own marriage is in a transformative period right now. I needed to ditch my own fear of divorce before I was able to start this transformation with my wife.

That's what scares me, not many choices. I suggested that we go to counseling together before and he didn't want to do that. I said that I would be able to talk out our problems and help solve them. I think that we need that. 

I don't want things to continue on the current path. Sometimes he'll get really mad for hardly any reason and blow up at me. He rarely apologizes. He is harder to deal with when he's not smoking pot. The drinking has lessened. 

I am afraid of divorce and it's hard to get over that. That's good that you got over your fear of divorce and are working on things with your wife. I hope that things are going well in your marriage. 

[glows]

Marriage counselling with an abuser with alcohol and substance abuse addictions is counterintuitive. You’re living with a person who uses alcohol and weed, lashes out at you and has a problem with his temper. 

When your AP hugged you and you almost broke down might be indicative of how much affection you’ve lost or don’t have in the marriage. Your husband isn’t married to you, he’s married to his addictions.

[Will am I]

41 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

That's what scares me, not many choices.

I understand how this realization may feel like a heavy weight on your chest right now.

41 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

I suggested that we go to counseling together before and he didn't want to do that. I said that I would be able to talk out our problems and help solve them. I think that we need that. 

I don't want things to continue on the current path.

I am truly sorry to write this, but it looks like you have run out of options.

Stay: you don’t want that. My simple reasoning: you wouldn’t be on this forum, creating these topics, if you were okay with the situation. 

Fix: it takes skill and motivation from both sides. What you write is essentially that your husband lacks motivation. Like we see so many time with addicted people, they don’t experience that they’re the one with a problem. It’s the people around them that have problem, picking up the pieces, tip-toeing around the elephant under the rug, maintaining composure and being stressed and worried and ashamed.

I do not recommend you should try to fix a marriage one-sided. You end up doing all the hard work and tip-toeing around his temper. This seems a path that doesn’t lead to a good marriage but to a lot of resentment in the end.

Which leaves only the “exit” option, I’m sorry to bluntly draw this conclusion.

 

Just reiterating: you can do this. You got this, girl.

And you will not be alone either. As a matter of fact: if your feel isolated and your social circle is small now, a likely cause is your husband’s behavior and alcohol problem. It is very common that abusive or addictive people tend to isolate the people closest to them.

When you break these chains, you will likely be able to build a bigger and stronger network around yourself.

As a very first step, I suggest working on your friendships as much as you can now. And choose one friend in whom you will confide. She will be your buddy through this storm. It does not have to be your closest friend now; select a person that you think is able to understand and guide you through this.

41 minutes ago, lftbehind said:

That's good that you got over your fear of divorce and are working on things with your wife. I hope that things are going well in your marriage. 

Thank you so much for showing interest.

We are in couples counseling and making steps in the right direction. I think we will be ok.

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, lftbehind said:

Sometimes he'll get really mad for hardly any reason and blow up at me. He rarely apologizes. 

It wouldn't surprise me if your husband isn't having his own affair and feels just as stuck as you do.  He may have been drinking as a way to cope with his unhappy life.

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Marriage counselling with an abuser with alcohol and substance abuse addictions is counterintuitive. You’re living with a person who uses alcohol and weed, lashes out at you and has a problem with his temper. 

When your AP hugged you and you almost broke down might be indicative of how much affection you’ve lost or don’t have in the marriage. Your husband isn’t married to you, he’s married to his addictions.

He's easier to deal with when he is smoking pot, he is more mellow. When he quits or hasn't been doing it, his temper is worse. 

That's true, AP gave me affection that I don't get in my marriage and made me feel wanted. It was nice to feel that way after not feeling that way for a long time. 

[lftbehind]

8 hours ago, Will am I said:

I understand how this realization may feel like a heavy weight on your chest right now.

I am truly sorry to write this, but it looks like you have run out of options.

Stay: you don’t want that. My simple reasoning: you wouldn’t be on this forum, creating these topics, if you were okay with the situation. 

Fix: it takes skill and motivation from both sides. What you write is essentially that your husband lacks motivation. Like we see so many time with addicted people, they don’t experience that they’re the one with a problem. It’s the people around them that have problem, picking up the pieces, tip-toeing around the elephant under the rug, maintaining composure and being stressed and worried and ashamed.

I do not recommend you should try to fix a marriage one-sided. You end up doing all the hard work and tip-toeing around his temper. This seems a path that doesn’t lead to a good marriage but to a lot of resentment in the end.

Which leaves only the “exit” option, I’m sorry to bluntly draw this conclusion.

 

Just reiterating: you can do this. You got this, girl.

And you will not be alone either. As a matter of fact: if your feel isolated and your social circle is small now, a likely cause is your husband’s behavior and alcohol problem. It is very common that abusive or addictive people tend to isolate the people closest to them.

When you break these chains, you will likely be able to build a bigger and stronger network around yourself.

As a very first step, I suggest working on your friendships as much as you can now. And choose one friend in whom you will confide. She will be your buddy through this storm. It does not have to be your closest friend now; select a person that you think is able to understand and guide you through this.

Thank you so much for showing interest.

We are in couples counseling and making steps in the right direction. I think we will be ok.

 

I do feel like I don't have many options. My husband doesn't think that he has a problem. I think that he alienated my daughter from me and hurt my mom a lot, too. I am very stressed about things at home. 

I guess that you can't fix a marriage alone, but all you can do is be the best person that you can be. I try not to make him mad, but he gets mad over hardly anything. I feel helpless when he does that and very lonely. I know that I sound like a broken record, I guess it will be like that unless things change with us or we break up. It is embarrassing. 

Thanks for thinking that I can make things better for myself. 

I just go to work and don't have close friends, just some acquaintances. I don't have much family, either. I need to be strong for my mom, who developed dementia about a year and a half ago. It's hard when I don't even have my act together. I just feel like I'm surviving day to day. 

That's great that you and your wife are in couples counseling and doing well. 

[lftbehind]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

It wouldn't surprise me if your husband isn't having his own affair and feels just as stuck as you do.  He may have been drinking as a way to cope with his unhappy life.

I heard him talking to women before, but it was years ago. There's one he knew in college that he was talking to a lot when I was at work. He knew that I didn't like it, but kept doing it. It seemed like she was jealous of me and trying to cause problems with us. I didn't even know her. I saw that he had texted his ex-wife and didn't tell me about it. I don't think that anything would happen again with them, though. 

[lftbehind]

Another part is I'm supposed to inherit a lot of money eventually and that may be part of the reason that my husband wants to stay with me. He doesn't say much, but he's made a few comments about it. 

[LynneVicious]

With your pattern of an unhappy marriage and affairs, I get the feeling that you’re waiting for an opportunity for an exit affair. If you met a man and had another affair, but he asked you to leave your husband and would be willing to support you financially, would you do it? 

Because your affairs all end eventually, and you still stay in your terrible marriage. So you are repeating the same thing for years now and your situation hasn’t changed. It wont change either unless you change it. 

Can you at least go see a lawyer and get a consultation and see if you’re entitled to alimony/child support so you are free to find your true love without cheating on your husband?

[glows]

1 hour ago, lftbehind said:

I know that I sound like a broken record, I guess it will be like that unless things change with us or we break up. It is embarrassing. 

There are feelings of failure and sometimes confusion, cognitive dissonance and up/down in regards to divorce and this is no small decision. Embarrassment is a common theme especially if you keep telling yourself you’re a failure or allow others to shame you for ending a marriage, whether it comes from society’s disdain or other unhappy individuals out of jealousy or anger, taking out their own issues on you while you work through or push past your own limits. 

That embarrassment you feel is very common but don’t shy away from the tough topics and asking yourself whether  you’ve outgrown this marriage. Weed is still weed. There no excuse to need weed to control temper. He’s self-medicating it seems instead of dealing with his mental health and anger issues. It sounds like you’ve normalized all of his behaviours.

Focus more on changing your situation if you want change.