Major anxiety potentially rekindling a LDR that fell apart

[agonyandirony]

It's a very long story so I'll try to be as brief as possible. I live in Scotland, my ex-gf (?) lives on the West Coast of Canada. We met online like 6 years ago. I moved out to be with her. I cannot describe how powerful the love we had was and our time together was the happiest I'd ever been. I've experienced nothing like it before or since. 

However, after a year or so together things got really bad - she spiralled into a bad depression (relating to a fight she had with her father which triggered her childhood abuse issues), and things fell apart between us. We broke up, argued a lot and she was quite emotionally abusive and generally not nice towards me (she fully admits that too). It was the source of considerable stress for me, I even ended up going to a therapist.

It's years later. My life here is going well but I'm still single, having not found anyone I really connect with (I've had a few flings). I recently started talking with this ex again, and we really connected - as friends, but the underlying chemistry/attraction is still there. She is doing much better these days and things between us are good. 

I have some time off work in a few weeks, and she happens to as well. So she has suggested I visit for about a week and I said yes. However, as I'm looking at flights and trying to arrange this I'm getting flooded with anxiety and overwhelmed about what to do.

On one hand, I'm terrified of going back down the rabbit hole having been so badly burned before. I really can't do a long distance relationship again (if things work out) and the sheer logistics required in order for us to actually have a life together, living together etc seems so far away. Like we'd have to get married etc, and probably quite soon (she is a bit older than me in her mid 30s so if we wanted a family etc we couldn't wait long). What if I get her pregnant on this trip and we're stuck together (ok anxiety really running away with me here...). My parents would be really disappointed in me if I told them I was visiting her, as I fully confided in them when I was struggling with her before so they don't think highly of her.  My therapist told me I should not visit her. Maybe I'm in denial about the fact this doesn't line with my long term goals in life, to settle down and have a family etc. 

On the other hand, I miss her and what we had terribly, and I feel that if there is even a small chance that she is the love of my life then I need to do this otherwise I'll spend the rest of my life wondering 'what if' - or worse spend the rest of my life alone. We are very compatible in many ways. My parents, therapist etc nobody knows how good things were in the beginning and I guess I could visit her without telling anyone - I could use this trip to decide in my own mind how I feel about her before I go down the road of telling others she's back in my life (if that's indeed what ends up happening). Maybe I'm overthinking the negative repercussions. Surely there is little to lose in a spending a week with her? At least it will settle this decision and I'll know either way whether we have a future. And if nothing else I'll have a nice week off in a different place.

I am so torn, my anxiety is through the roof trying to weigh this up and I can't think of any sort of compromise or way out. Really grateful for any advice. Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

I am so torn, my anxiety is through the roof trying to weigh this up and I can't think of any sort of compromise or way out. 

Perhaps this "anxiety" is your instincts and common sense telling you to let go and not backpedal.

You've been there/done that with her and gave it a shot but it didn't work out.

If you want a quick fling with an old flame your visit may work out, but why open up this Pandora's box again?

 

[FMW]

Listen to your anxiety.  Her issues are still there, will always be, however better they seem now.  Those issues resulted in her being abusive and not nice, sending you to therapy.  Are you willing to go through that again for the chance of a little bit of good?  

With the great distance between you, you will have to make a big life change and commitment to be together.  It's not a good bet to make.  And the more you give your time and emotion to her, the longer it will take for you to be truly available to someone who will make you happy for the long term, someone with whom you can share your life goals.  

If you go, please use reliable birth control.

[glows]

I can understand having tea with an old ex if you’re both single and it’s no skin off your back at a shop down the road. I’m guessing you’re back in Scotland? To get on a long flight and stay at your ex’s place in Canada doesn’t make sense. 

The issue seems to be you possibly having the belief that she may the person you’re intended to marry. Hearing your story, I’d be inclined to think the door is firmly shut on that and there’s no possibility of romance whatsoever. Not only does it take a lot out of you to visit this ex, it’s a dead end. 

Why do you believe she’s an option at all? Keep working on you, widen your horizons at home, stay connected with friends and family. Meet new people and live your life in the present. 

[agonyandirony]

On 10/22/2022 at 9:47 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Perhaps this "anxiety" is your instincts and common sense telling you to let go and not backpedal.

You've been there/done that with her and gave it a shot but it didn't work out.

If you want a quick fling with an old flame your visit may work out, but why open up this Pandora's box again?

 

Thank you for replying. I think it's a head vs heart situation. I'm terrified of not finding what I had with her in the good times again, I'm worried that she's my 'soul mate' and I'll regret not giving her another shot. My head is telling me this is idealistic nonsense, and things are unlikely to be substantially better than they were just because she says so. I suppose I thought a trip would maybe help me decide, but it's probably optimistic to think it would lead to some kind of certainty. I can never be 100% certain so I have to somehow live with that and trust it was the right decision.

I got carried away though and already told her I'd go so not sure how I can back out now without upsetting her. 

[agonyandirony]

On 10/22/2022 at 2:12 PM, glows said:

I can understand having tea with an old ex if you’re both single and it’s no skin off your back at a shop down the road. I’m guessing you’re back in Scotland? To get on a long flight and stay at your ex’s place in Canada doesn’t make sense. 

The issue seems to be you possibly having the belief that she may the person you’re intended to marry. Hearing your story, I’d be inclined to think the door is firmly shut on that and there’s no possibility of romance whatsoever. Not only does it take a lot out of you to visit this ex, it’s a dead end. 

Why do you believe she’s an option at all? Keep working on you, widen your horizons at home, stay connected with friends and family. Meet new people and live your life in the present. 

Yea I'm back in Scotland and you're absolutely right, I am worried she is my soul mate and always regret not giving her another chance. It doesn't take that much out of me to visit, I guess I hoped it would be a relief because either way I'd have clarity about how I felt following it. But that's optimistic and there's a real chance that I get sucked back into a stressful situation after the visit. Rationally I hear what you are saying but it is so so difficult to accept and do that. I am leaning towards not going but I already told her I would so I'm not sure I'm going to tell her without upsetting her. 

[agonyandirony]

On 10/22/2022 at 10:06 AM, FMW said:

Listen to your anxiety.  Her issues are still there, will always be, however better they seem now.  Those issues resulted in her being abusive and not nice, sending you to therapy.  Are you willing to go through that again for the chance of a little bit of good?  

With the great distance between you, you will have to make a big life change and commitment to be together.  It's not a good bet to make.  And the more you give your time and emotion to her, the longer it will take for you to be truly available to someone who will make you happy for the long term, someone with whom you can share your life goals.  

If you go, please use reliable birth control.

They do seem better now which I think is the problem. She blamed her behaviour/mental state on her living situation which has changed, so it sortof adds credibility to what she was saying. I have this fear that she'll be the healthy, happy girl I fell in love with, and be that way with someone else and I'll regret not persevering just a little bit more after enduring so much already - like giving up a few feet from the summit. I realise rationally that is very idealistic, but this is a head v heart situation. I have this fear that she's my soul mate or something. But yes dwelling on her has kept me from being available with local girls who were interested in me, that I kept comparing to her. Ugh I am messed up, I think I should speak to my therapist. 

I am leaning on not going, though I have told her already I would so I'm not sure how I can back out of this. If I do go, I'll use birth control for sure. In fact, I have had a scary thought about accidentally getting her pregnant while on a trip, and I think the fact that this is so terrifying for me is saying something in itself. 

Anyway thanks for replying. 

[glows]

It doesn’t sound like a good idea. Speak with your therapist about the concept of soulmates and this line of thinking, fear of missing out, nightmares about getting someone pregnant etc. 

You seem very anxious and uneasy. 

[agonyandirony]

1 hour ago, glows said:

It doesn’t sound like a good idea. Speak with your therapist about the concept of soulmates and this line of thinking, fear of missing out, nightmares about getting someone pregnant etc. 

You seem very anxious and uneasy. 

I am very anxious and uneasy. I am a fairly tough and resilient guy, but this issue has me a complete mess if I'm honest. 

[glows]

Ask your therapist to weigh in. I think you have an all or nothing approach mostly from the fact that you went all in with this woman some time ago. That anxiety is from the combination of “soulmates” (again, all or nothing, black and white thinking regarding what this is) and being burnt because she failed all your expectations in the past. 

Remember that we may try, we see when something isn’t suited to us, we learn. We don’t repeat the same mistakes. If you’re not able to separate the past history with this woman and take things bit by bit, piecemeal, don’t proceed.

Leave yourself room for change and changing your mind. Does staying with her seem inappropriate? Don’t. Stay somewhere else. Is the idea of having sex making you feel uncomfortable? Don’t have sex with her. You can hold a decent conversation with a person and assess better what’s going on without jumping to sex and soulmates. This isn’t all or nothing. If you do decide to see her then that’s all it is. A chat for an hour and not a long drawn out assessment of whether she’s a soulmate. 

Edited October 24, 2022 by glows

[agonyandirony]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Ask your therapist to weigh in. I think you have an all or nothing approach mostly from the fact that you went all in with this woman some time ago. That anxiety is from the combination of “soulmates” (again, all or nothing, black and white thinking regarding what this is) and being burnt because she failed all your expectations in the past. 

Remember that we may try, we see when something isn’t suited to us, we learn. We don’t repeat the same mistakes. If you’re not able to separate the past history with this woman and take things bit by bit, piecemeal, don’t proceed.

Leave yourself room for change and changing your mind. Does staying with her seem inappropriate? Don’t. Stay somewhere else. Is the idea of having sex making you feel uncomfortable? Don’t have sex with her. You can hold a decent conversation with a person and assess better what’s going on without jumping to sex and soulmates. This isn’t all or nothing. If you do decide to see her then that’s all it is. A chat for an hour and not a long drawn out assessment of whether she’s a soulmate. 

This advice really resonated with me, thank you so much! You're right, I've been trying to force myself to make some sort of life-changing decision - that either I never see her again, or I marry her. Of course I can't expect to easily make a decision like that. Reading your post, I realised that instinctively I want to see her again, but I am not ready for sex, or staying with her for a long period of time. I'd really like to ease back into things and take it slowly, step by step like you suggested. The thing is she was pushing for us to spend longer together so I kinda went along with that and didn't feel I could say what I really wanted. Clearly I have trouble asserting myself with her and communicating how I feel, she is quite a dominating kind woman so maybe that's why I struggle and feel I need to do what she wants. 

[glows]

Here’s where you find your boundaries and begin respecting yourself and listening to what works best for you. This is the only way you will find when someone is compatible with you, not being lost in what someone else wants or feeling bulldozed. 

I personally don’t think it’s a good idea meeting with her as from what you’ve written you haven’t had a chance to develop proper boundaries. If you sense she continues to push them or become aggressive/domineering or selfish/disregarding you, this is not working. You may have adopted an all or nothing approach from her because she is desperately filling a void. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

 - that either I never see her again, or I marry her. 

It doesn't have to be this extreme. You can visit, take condoms, then go back home and live happily ever after. No big deal.

She is not asking you to move there, get married or start a family. If you are lonely and just want a visit for old times sake until you get home and start dating local women realistically, that's fine.

[ShyViolet]

She is not your soul mate.  If she was, the relationship wouldn't have fallen apart with her becoming emotionally abusive to you.  The way you are talking about this is full of very poor judgment.  You'd have to get married and start a family "quite soon"?  You don't even know if this is a huge mistake but at the same time you're thinking about rushing into marriage and having children with this woman.  That would be a disaster when this relationship falls apart again, which it probably would. 

it's a huge red flag that everyone in your life (including your therapist whose job it is to help you make good decisions in life!!) is telling you that this would be a bad idea, but you are considering keeping it a secret from them and doing it anyway.  If it was a good decision then you wouldn't feel like you need to keep it a secret.

On 10/23/2022 at 11:09 AM, agonyandirony said:

I am leaning on not going, though I have told her already I would so I'm not sure how I can back out of this.

Being afraid to tell her you're not going is not a reason to go.  You use your words like an adult and tell her "Sorry but I won't be going."  If she flips out and gets upset, then that is all the more of a sign that you shouldn't be getting back together with this woman.

She sounds a little controlling.  Either that, or you sound afraid to be honest with her or assert yourself with her.  You shouldn't be getting involved with, especially not turning your life upside down, for someone like that.

[agonyandirony]

On 10/26/2022 at 4:00 AM, ShyViolet said:

She is not your soul mate.  If she was, the relationship wouldn't have fallen apart with her becoming emotionally abusive to you.  The way you are talking about this is full of very poor judgment.  You'd have to get married and start a family "quite soon"?  You don't even know if this is a huge mistake but at the same time you're thinking about rushing into marriage and having children with this woman.  That would be a disaster when this relationship falls apart again, which it probably would. 

it's a huge red flag that everyone in your life (including your therapist whose job it is to help you make good decisions in life!!) is telling you that this would be a bad idea, but you are considering keeping it a secret from them and doing it anyway.  If it was a good decision then you wouldn't feel like you need to keep it a secret.

Being afraid to tell her you're not going is not a reason to go.  You use your words like an adult and tell her "Sorry but I won't be going."  If she flips out and gets upset, then that is all the more of a sign that you shouldn't be getting back together with this woman.

She sounds a little controlling.  Either that, or you sound afraid to be honest with her or assert yourself with her.  You shouldn't be getting involved with, especially not turning your life upside down, for someone like that.

Thanks for your reply, I found it really helpful. I spoke to my counsellor at length yesterday and we touched on this. I think I am afraid to assert myself with her. I think this is a mixture of me being a people pleaser, and her being quite dominant. During her particularly bad periods of mental health (less so but still to a degree since) when she would get so upset if I did or said anything she didn't agree with, I was living with her so I think over time I built a habit of placating her. 

My therapist thinks I need to cut all contact with this girl but the thought of it hurts so much! I've known her for 6 years and she is very sweet in other ways that might not be apparent in the context of this post. In some ways we are very compatible, but the problem is I think I tend to over-emphasise these points, romanticising and idealising life with her. Whatever I end up doing I definitely do need to reclaim some of my own 'power' and do things on my terms. If I do visit her, I'm not going to rush to do it, and it would be platonic and brief, I'm not going to rush into anything because of my own fear or to placate her. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, agonyandirony said:

 My therapist thinks I need to cut all contact with this girl 

It sounds like your therapist is really trying to help you with this and in general. Try to heed the advice.

[glows]

1 hour ago, agonyandirony said:

If I do visit her, I'm not going to rush to do it, and it would be platonic and brief, I'm not going to rush into anything because of my own fear or to placate her. 

This is fine in theory but you do have a tendency to romanticize. How realistic is it that you’re able to keep it platonic?

Staying at her place isn’t a good idea. Find your own accommodations and make it clear you’re there on other business. This isn’t all about her and the reasons aren’t just to visit her. If you’re not able to do that you know this isn’t a good idea.

You’re here reading a great deal into her invitation because this person hurt you tremendously and it’s likely she’s expecting more out of this, ie intimacy and so on if she’s inviting you to her place. Avoid slipping into old patterns.

Consider also saying your goodbyes and finding closure from afar, let go of the past and save the platonic for the real friends in your life.

[FMW]

On 10/23/2022 at 10:09 AM, agonyandirony said:

They do seem better now which I think is the problem. She blamed her behaviour/mental state on her living situation which has changed, so it sortof adds credibility to what she was saying. I have this fear that she'll be the healthy, happy girl I fell in love with, and be that way with someone else and I'll regret not persevering .......

She very well may act happy and healthy.  But once someone has demonstrated what they are capable of, regardless of the reason, it's unlikely to be a one time thing that won't occur again.

As others have said, stop romanticizing the situation, and stop looking at it as all or nothing.  If you choose to see her, move forward slowly and carefully, don't forget the bad experiences with her. 

 

[agonyandirony]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

As others have said, stop romanticizing the situation, and stop looking at it as all or nothing.  If you choose to see her, move forward slowly and carefully, don't forget the bad experiences with her. 

 

6 hours ago, glows said:

Staying at her place isn’t a good idea. Find your own accommodations and make it clear you’re there on other business. This isn’t all about her and the reasons aren’t just to visit her. If you’re not able to do that you know this isn’t a good idea.

Many thanks for the really good advice, honestly it means a lot and is so helpful. This moving forward slowly and carefully, and on my own terms as you describe 'feels' right to me - in the same way that rushing off to stay with her for a week 'felt' wrong (as per my original post). This aligns with what my therapist said in the past about the stress due to losing my agency and not being able to assert myself with her - my therapist described me as being like a pebble in the shoreline, getting washed back and forth at the whims of the tide (her). So I need to address that.

I'm not visiting to stay with her in the short term. I've told her I want to take things step by step and explained why. I think she is frustrated because the plans have changed a few times, but I need to not worry so much about what she thinks. I can't rule out visiting her in the future, but if I do I am going to make sure it's on my terms, and that I proceed very carefully to ensure I don't get hurt. 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

If I do visit her, I'm not going to rush to do it, and it would be platonic and brief, I'm not going to rush into anything because of my own fear or to placate her. 

You say it would be platonic, but that is unrealistic.  It probably would end up not being platonic, once you are there and drawn into the situation.

I still don't understand why you are considering going.  It sounds like a really bad idea.  You should listen to your therapist.  It sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all until you work on your issues and develop better decision-making and judgment when it comes to relationships.

[glows]

4 hours ago, agonyandirony said:

 

Many thanks for the really good advice, honestly it means a lot and is so helpful. This moving forward slowly and carefully, and on my own terms as you describe 'feels' right to me - in the same way that rushing off to stay with her for a week 'felt' wrong (as per my original post). This aligns with what my therapist said in the past about the stress due to losing my agency and not being able to assert myself with her - my therapist described me as being like a pebble in the shoreline, getting washed back and forth at the whims of the tide (her). So I need to address that.

I'm not visiting to stay with her in the short term. I've told her I want to take things step by step and explained why. I think she is frustrated because the plans have changed a few times, but I need to not worry so much about what she thinks. I can't rule out visiting her in the future, but if I do I am going to make sure it's on my terms, and that I proceed very carefully to ensure I don't get hurt. 

You may find ultimately you’re not compatible. The reason why we don’t rush into relationships is because it takes time to see someone’s character. You think she has changed and she claims things are different but you don’t know that quite yet or if it’s true at all.

I’m not sure what you mean by taking things step by step. Is that with no firm decision on reconciling? When someone has shown me what they are, it takes time to process and then gauge whether it’s worth the risk revisiting any relationship. I did that only once in my life reconsidering whether to divorce my ex husband at the end of our year of separation. The answer was absolutely yes - a divorce was necessary. 

I empathize with her also as this seems confusing. It’s very clear that you’re conflicted wanting to be near her but you fear her at the same time. There’s the possibility that this is not fair to her either and she deserves a man who is far more confident with her “new” her or what she offers in a relationship. I’d be very careful prolonging this and dragging each other down, considering the trust is too far damaged. In the case of my ex, the respect was totally and absolutely lost. Nothing could regain the respect I lost for him. And I have too much respect for myself to have anything to do with that situation again. There’s just no reason to keep hurting one another.

There are other ways to find closure. It doesn’t mean you have to keep tearing at old wounds. You can develop better boundaries, firmer boundaries in new relationships and move forward. Either way, it’s a good thing that you’re reconsidering the whole proposition of visiting or staying with her.

[agonyandirony]

9 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

You say it would be platonic, but that is unrealistic.  It probably would end up not being platonic, once you are there and drawn into the situation.

I still don't understand why you are considering going.  It sounds like a really bad idea.  You should listen to your therapist.  It sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all until you work on your issues and develop better decision-making and judgment when it comes to relationships.

Because I miss and love her (or at least, us when things are good) at a deep level to be honest, as naive as that sounds. I have generally gotten much better at setting boundaries when it comes to relationships and dating, but this girl has a bit of a hold on me I think - my therapist does too. You're right in that I don't think it would be entirely platonic, but I do think it might be more controlled? Like if I was staying somewhere else, we could proceed slowly and take things step-by-step, rather than me jumping straight into essentially living with her and us being back where we were in relationship mode. I don't know, either way I'm not visiting in the very short term, so I have a bit of breathing space to try and figure some of this out which is good - whatever the right solution is, going to her so soon and when I'm not sure if it's a good idea was clearly the wrong approach. 

[agonyandirony]

5 hours ago, glows said:

You may find ultimately you’re not compatible. The reason why we don’t rush into relationships is because it takes time to see someone’s character. You think she has changed and she claims things are different but you don’t know that quite yet or if it’s true at all.

I’m not sure what you mean by taking things step by step. Is that with no firm decision on reconciling? When someone has shown me what they are, it takes time to process and then gauge whether it’s worth the risk revisiting any relationship. I did that only once in my life reconsidering whether to divorce my ex husband at the end of our year of separation. The answer was absolutely yes - a divorce was necessary. 

I empathize with her also as this seems confusing. It’s very clear that you’re conflicted wanting to be near her but you fear her at the same time. There’s the possibility that this is not fair to her either and she deserves a man who is far more confident with her “new” her or what she offers in a relationship. I’d be very careful prolonging this and dragging each other down, considering the trust is too far damaged. In the case of my ex, the respect was totally and absolutely lost. Nothing could regain the respect I lost for him. And I have too much respect for myself to have anything to do with that situation again. There’s just no reason to keep hurting one another.

There are other ways to find closure. It doesn’t mean you have to keep tearing at old wounds. You can develop better boundaries, firmer boundaries in new relationships and move forward. Either way, it’s a good thing that you’re reconsidering the whole proposition of visiting or staying with her.

Thank you so much Glows. I do think you might be right, and that we aren't as compatible as we were at the beginning (a feeling I have been holding onto too much perhaps). We even talked about how we have grown apart in various ways. For example, she has become quite radical politically and we have clashed a few times over that. When we met, one of the 'sparks' was our shared passion for certain issues so that's quite a big deal - especially for her. Getting older I find I am placing more emphasis on family, and she is much less so - which is understandable I suppose given her past. 

I have definitely prolonged this, and it's not good for both of us. You are absolutely right in that I miss her and want to be with her, but also fear her and the consequences of going through with that. It's very difficult for me to let go of her altogether, we have so much shared history and adventures together, good times and bad. Despite her issues, she does have many wonderful qualities - she is very sweet, caring and smart. I miss her. I think that is one of the major reasons why I thought this trip would be a good idea - this confusion is toxic, and I guess I felt that if I visited her things would move forward either way. So either things would be great and we'd work towards rekindling things, or we'd decide it wasn't meant to be and part amicably, with some closure. Again, that might be wildly optimistic and there is a chance that a visit only further confuses things. 

I have definitely improved my boundaries in certain key ways. And I have learnt a lot from my relationship with this girl, whatever happens. 

[glows]

Hi Agony, part of figuring out whether you’re meant to be together or whether this works in the long term is coming to terms with your priorities and shared values.

If you’re leaning more towards an emphasis on family, how does being with her affect your family relationships? Would you feel you’re subduing them to placate her again for example? Does she make any negative comments about your family members or do you find yourself realizing she’s not someone you’d want to have a family with? This seems contradictory as you did mention earlier thinking about marriage. 

I’d tread very carefully with the excitement that used to draw you to her also if it was a relationship full of very high highs and very low lows. It becomes a rollercoaster of high emotions, exhausting, not sustainable.

[agonyandirony]

On 10/29/2022 at 5:26 AM, glows said:

Hi Agony, part of figuring out whether you’re meant to be together or whether this works in the long term is coming to terms with your priorities and shared values.

If you’re leaning more towards an emphasis on family, how does being with her affect your family relationships? Would you feel you’re subduing them to placate her again for example? Does she make any negative comments about your family members or do you find yourself realizing she’s not someone you’d want to have a family with? This seems contradictory as you did mention earlier thinking about marriage. 

I’d tread very carefully with the excitement that used to draw you to her also if it was a relationship full of very high highs and very low lows. It becomes a rollercoaster of high emotions, exhausting, not sustainable.

Thanks so much glows. I guess the problem is that I'm trying to make sense of so many different factors and such a long history, which is making it difficult to make some kind absolute decision - such as on whether being with her aligns with priorities and shared values.

I think the potential is there, otherwise I would not have been with her in the first place. But I do think I am probably unrealistically idealising the possibility of our future together, based on a narrow window of time when things were great between us. It’s very difficult not to write that off though because I was truly happy.

I think if I could be sure we wouldn’t have the stress, arguing and misery that followed, I would want to marry her but I guess I can never be certain of that. The repercussions of going through something like that again if we got married and had kids is a scary proposition. But then she would assure me that the only reason those bad times happened was because of the specific issues she was dealing with at the time (not sure how much to believe that).

In terms of my family, they want me to be happy. When things were good between us she was very charming and sweet and I couldn’t wait for her to be involved with my family and friends. The first meetings didn’t go so well. She would blame other factors, but truthfully I don’t think she put in much of an effort at the time. While she eventually started trying a bit, I was then open with my family about the immense difficulties she was putting me through. Even before then though they felt there were some red flags with her. So I think it would take a significant amount of work from her to win my family over again which would add another layer of difficulty to a complicated situation.

In short, between things like that, and the effort required just to close the distance (which is the only reason I mentioned marriage), I think this is a very steep uphill battle even if I do choose to get involved with her again. Although I could be overthinking, and maybe these things are best done step at a time.

I just don’t know how to make peace with myself if I choose to write her and this relationship off completely after all I’ve been through already - writing off the possibilities, the best case scenarios, a potential (albeit perhaps unlikely) perfect future in which we are married and have kids etc. Is this my one shot with someone who I was so compatible with? Am I dooming myself to loneliness and misery if I don’t take my chance here? If I’d just stuck in that little bit longer would it all have worked out? Am I giving up just at the finish line?

Sorry this is a bit rambly I’m just dumping my feelings.

Edited October 31, 2022 by agonyandirony