Ex Boy friend visiting

[d123]

Hi . So I’m dating this girl from 2 months now quite seriously. She had planned to invite her ex boy friend she dated 3 years ago to visit her in the city( they had planned this few weeks before we met).

Now he is in the city staying at her apartment and she’s showing him the city through the day and sleeping over at my apartment during the night.

However, I am feeling quite awkward and jealous given the situation now that he’s in the city. How do you think I should react to her ? She’s been feeling quite upset too about the situation and checking on me continuously..

Edited October 16, 2022 by d123

[basil67]

I can see it's awkward, but it sounds like they'd already fully planned the trip.  And she seems to be doing everything she can to do the right thing by both of youHas she introduced the two of you and included you when she can?  

 At this point, all you can do is decide whether or not you trust her.   

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, d123 said:

 he is in the city staying at her apartment and she’s showing him the city through the day and sleeping over at my apartment during the night.

Sorry this is happening. Are they trying to reconcile? What's their story?  It's odd that an ex would visit her, no less be  a house guest, no?

You're only dating 8 weeks so step back and observe her judgement. She doesn't seem ready to date.

[glows]

7 hours ago, d123 said:

She had planned to invite her ex boy friend she dated 3 years ago to visit her in the city( they had planned this few weeks before we met).

 

7 hours ago, d123 said:

How do you think I should react to her ? She’s been feeling quite upset too about the situation and checking on me continuously..

Does her ex know about you? Has she invited you to meet him? You realize she could have cancelled the trip and told him to stay somewhere else. Why would she invite an ex to stay with her at all? Did she disclose to you early on she was planning on having her ex over or still communicating with him? 

Two months is enough time to see whether someone isn’t ready to move on in a new relationship. It sounds like she has too many attachments to the past. 

[d123]

1 hour ago, glows said:

 

Does her ex know about you? Has she invited you to meet him? You realize she could have cancelled the trip and told him to stay somewhere else. Why would she invite an ex to stay with her at all? Did she disclose to you early on she was planning on having her ex over or still communicating with him? 

Two months is enough time to see whether someone isn’t ready to move on in a new relationship. It sounds like she has too many attachments to the past. 

yes she has told me about me to him before he landed here and told we were seriously into each other. She also invited me to meet him yesterday few times and hang out with them but I never felt comfortable doing so.

she has also told me she has no feelings about him at all now and she’s more interested about me and her and she’s worried about it since I told her how I’m feeling about this
 

It is strange and awkward situation because definitely and do not know what to do.

[d123]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are they trying to reconcile? What's their story?  It's odd that an ex would visit her, no less be  a house guest, no?

You're only dating 8 weeks so step back and observe her judgement. She doesn't seem ready to date.

Yes I told her how awkward this is to me and if he had common sense he would cancel the trip before. She has been repeating she doesn’t like him or has feelings anymore with him and just a friend and more into showing him the city.

[d123]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

I can see it's awkward, but it sounds like they'd already fully planned the trip.  And she seems to be doing everything she can to do the right thing by both of youHas she introduced the two of you and included you when she can?  

 At this point, all you can do is decide whether or not you trust her.   

Hi yes she has invited me to meet him few times already and has been constantly updating me during the day about where they were going and checking how I was feeling .

do you think I should meet ? Or let it be ?

[glows]

You’re under no obligation to meet or even continue dating her if you’re so uncomfortable. 

I’m assuming they intend to remain remain friendly and continue communicating. It’s strange that her ex knows about her new relationship and about you and went ahead staying with her. Personally, I wouldn’t keep dating someone like this. They have unfinished business. 

Edited October 16, 2022 by glows

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, d123 said:

Now he is in the city staying at her apartment and she’s showing him the city through the day and sleeping over at my apartment during the night.

The fact she sleeps at yours at night, checks in with you throughout the day, wants to introduce you to him, all would suggest nothing untoward is happening and perhaps she even regrets having made these plans before you met. 

I know it's hard, but try to not read so much into it; she's doing everything right, indicating through actions (and words) she's into you. NOT him.

Is he moving to the area?  Perhaps that's why she's showing him around during the day?

Odd situation for sure and if she weren't staying at yours at night, I might feel differently.

But as it stands, try trusting her until she gives you reason not to.

Again, her actions indicate she's into you and not him. 

Why don't you want to meet him as she wants you to?  It might quell your concerns if you did.

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[d123]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

The fact she sleeps at yours at night, checks in with you throughout the day, wants to introduce you to him, all would suggest nothing untoward is happening and perhaps she even regrets having made these plans before you met. 

I know it's hard, but try to not read so much into it; she's doing everything right, indicating through actions (and words) she's into you. NOT him.

Is he moving to the area?  Perhaps that's why she's showing him around during the day?

Odd situation for sure and if she weren't staying at yours at night, I might feel differently.

But as it stands, try trusting her until she gives you reason not to.

Again, her actions indicate she's into you and not him. 

Why don't you want to meet him as she wants you to?  It might quell your concerns if you did.

 

It is not that something is happening with them or not I guess for me. She said many times she’s not into him anymore. It is not I don’t trust her too. she said many times she likes me a lot too.

when she mentioned he’s going to stay at her place 3 weeks ago, I was slightly apprehensive and didn’t worry about it much and never felt this way before to have known how I would feel too.

However when she went to pick him up at airport, I started becoming super uncomfortable and strange emotions( which I assume is jealousy) creeping up.It is just negative vibes everywhere last couple of nights and I have no idea what to do even though they are not being physical at the moment. That’s why I didn’t meet him too.

any thoughts on this ?

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like she is trying her best to make this work and to show you that you can trust her.  This trip was planned before you and her met.  You've only been dating 2 months.  ( I think that's too short to claim that it's "serious").  He's already there now.  How many more days is he going to be there?

At this point I think you just need to deal with it and get through the next few days until he leaves.  If you are committed to her, then trust her, unless she gives you a real reason not to.  And then she shouldn't be planning any more weird trips with exes in the future.

[d123]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like she is trying her best to make this work and to show you that you can trust her.  This trip was planned before you and her met.  You've only been dating 2 months.  ( I think that's too short to claim that it's "serious").  He's already there now.  How many more days is he going to be there?

At this point I think you just need to deal with it and get through the next few days until he leaves.  If you are committed to her, then trust her, unless she gives you a real reason not to.  And then she shouldn't be planning any more weird trips with exes in the future.

He came Friday mid night and leaving Tuesday morning. So a brief lunch would have been different compared to such long stay I guess . 
 

Never felt this way . So I wanted to know what I could do for now ?

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, d123 said:

He came Friday mid night and leaving Tuesday morning. So a brief lunch would have been different compared to such long stay I guess . 
 

Never felt this way . So I wanted to know what I could do for now ?

So it's less than 2 more days.  You just have to get through the next 2 days and then it will be over.  Occupy yourself with something else until he's gone.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, d123 said:

He came Friday mid night and leaving Tuesday morning. 

Step back and observe the judgment of someone who's simply too chummy with their ex. She may view your relationship as disposable compared to theirs.

Even though she's sleeping at your place and they may not be sleeping together, she's going through a lot of effort for this man. 

It's only been 60 days dating and so far, this is a red flag as far as completely unnecessary interactions with an ex, no less hosting, socializing and going on dates with him. It doesn't matter if you were to meet him or not. 

Keep in mind they're obviously still quite close, chatting regularly and even if she's sexually loyal to you, three is a crowd.

Edited October 17, 2022 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't date people who are this close to an ex. 

That wouldn't fly for me. I would bow out and leave them to it. Simple. 

[Alpacalia]

A lack of reasonable boundaries or unfinished business.

Having her ex stay at her apartment. Stirs up unnecessary confusion, conflict, and trouble whether innocent or not. Let alone the thought of an ex staying over and sleeping in my house would make me uncomfortable.

Having a positive feeling about each other two months into a dating relationship is important. Especially for young couples just starting out. Better to tell him she is now dating someone and suggest he make his own arrangements before he came to visit her town. Of course there are no guarantees that other people will behave in the way we want.

While she may not think she is doing anything wrong, she is not considering you at the same time.

I wouldn't say her behavior is encouraging.

 

[petee]

Ok, all is not lost and all is probably not at risk.

When did she make these arrangements, and was she with you when dates were set?

if there’s a gap of 3 years, then the chances are she arranged it as platonic friends, but need to know if she was with you when the flights (expensive) were booked.

Of course be wary, but the fact she’s over at yours at night, and is keeping you updated are great healthy signs. Sure it’s not nice, and it would be red card material if she did it again, but for now she’s done everything she can.

if she booked it last week, or since you were intimate, then problemo!

Not every person out there is a cheater or a heart breaker, it sounds like you have a good one here, don’t blow it on the say-so of any strangers.

Edited October 17, 2022 by petee
Grammar

[glows]

At the end of the day this is your choice. Some people are more easygoing or place less importance on faithfulness or have a high threshold for drama so keep this in mind too. 

YOU choose what life you want. If you feel this woman deserves your time, go for it. See where this goes and be open in your communication. 

Personally this is no decision at all. I’d probably become less and less responsive and lose attraction due to her choices. Enjoy your time together if you’re still into her.

[Wiseman2]

On 10/16/2022 at 9:43 AM, d123 said:

Yes I told her how awkward this is to me and if he had common sense he would cancel the trip before. 

Your instincts are telling you this doesn't sit right with you. Personally, I would not let someone stay in my place and show them around unless they were a very very good friend. They may not want to have sex or reconcile but if an ex is a best friend then you are a third wheel.

[smackie9]

If I had an ex visiting and I was dating someone new I would have the ex stay a hotel or tell him to set up something with a friend. I know it's only been a few months BUT, it's not appropriate. I would definitely tell my ex I am seeing someone and to make other arrangements. That's my opinion. How you handle this is up to you. 

Edited October 17, 2022 by smackie9

[d123]

1 hour ago, petee said:

Ok, all is not lost and all is probably not at risk.

When did she make these arrangements, and was she with you when dates were set?

if there’s a gap of 3 years, then the chances are she arranged it as platonic friends, but need to know if she was with you when the flights (expensive) were booked.

Of course be wary, but the fact she’s over at yours at night, and is keeping you updated are great healthy signs. Sure it’s not nice, and it would be red card material if she did it again, but for now she’s done everything she can.

if she booked it last week, or since you were intimate, then problemo!

Not every person out there is a cheater or a heart breaker, it sounds like you have a good one here, don’t blow it on the say-so of any strangers.

They had planned this trip few weeks before me and her actually even met and knew each other in person atleast from what she told me.

She notified the exact dates around 3 weeks ago when we were planning for trip to Cabo.She then mentioned that he could stay at her place while she would sleep at my place and was asking my opinion on that. I didn’t mind it initially because they had planned already . I had strange emotions and vibes personally from the moment he landed in the city and they were spending time. If I had known I would feel this way even before, I would have told much before that I’m not on board with this.

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, d123 said:

I didn’t mind it initially because they had planned already

See, I think these sorts of arrangements need to be changed when a couple breaks up - especially when one is dating someone new. 

I would not allow an ex to stay in my house. I wouldn't care if it was planned before.  He could find a hotel if he still wanted to do the trip, and if he was unable to afford that, he shouldn't be coming. 

I find the whole thing inapprorpriate, but it tells you a lot about her boundaries and how different they are from yours. 

 

[Alpacalia]

41 minutes ago, d123 said:

If I had known I would feel this way even before, I would have told much before that I’m not on board with this.

While you may not have the right to urge her to suggest alternative arrangements, it is your right to not like it.

We all know that policing our relationships becomes an end in itself. Freedom of choice is a fundamental human right, so anything held in a vice-like grip is meaningless. You would be better off ignoring such instincts and trusting that your relationship holds equal value for both of you. Does she hold it in high regard? You decide.

By having the ex stay with her, it could appear that there is unfinished business, even if she has no such motivation. Sometimes appearances do matter.

[petee]

2 hours ago, d123 said:

They had planned this trip few weeks before me and her actually even met and knew each other in person atleast from what she told me.

She notified the exact dates around 3 weeks ago when we were planning for trip to Cabo.She then mentioned that he could stay at her place while she would sleep at my place and was asking my opinion on that. I didn’t mind it initially because they had planned already . I had strange emotions and vibes personally from the moment he landed in the city and they were spending time. If I had known I would feel this way even before, I would have told much before that I’m not on board with this.

All good here. Had the couch been offered etc then heck yes, problems!

This seems legit, and whilst it wouldn’t be what any guy wanted, this was done without you even in her head. 
It’ll be over tomorrow and you can get on with things. Couple things, that can only go from previous highs to new highs.

If the world was perfect we’d never have to take risks and fear investing in people.

Trust your gut feeling, she sounds like a good ‘un.

I do not, for one millisecond believe this is unfinished business;  you know the lady.

Let this be the last time you are placed in a position like this, though!!

[d123]

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

While you may not have the right to urge her to suggest alternative arrangements, it is your right to not like it.

We all know that policing our relationships becomes an end in itself. Freedom of choice is a fundamental human right, so anything held in a vice-like grip is meaningless. You would be better off ignoring such instincts and trusting that your relationship holds equal value for both of you. Does she hold it in high regard? You decide.

By having the ex stay with her, it could appear that there is unfinished business, even if she has no such motivation. Sometimes appearances do matter.

Yes definitely I agree. I had never faced similar kind of situation before and did not know how to positively analyze and react to this. Part of fault lies within me too since I didn’t create those boundaries I guess.

How do you think I should go forward with this since it already happened now?