I feel too inadequate to ask friends to do something together?

[haveaquestion]

So right now I'm extremely bored and would really love to do something with friends but I don't want to ask them. 

I'm too afraid of them saying no or them getting bored while we spend time and then it's my fault because it was my idea. I don't know if they would even want to do something right now and if I asked them, if they would just do it to be nice. I'm not an interesting person and I don't think spending time with me is fun so I never invite friends or initiate any get togethers, instead I'm just very happy when someone else invites me or initiates the meeting. 

I just can't get over thinking they don't really like me and I just happen to be near sometimes when they plan things so it would be rude not to invite me. I don't know why but I've always been like this and this is the reason I was never good at maintaining friendships because I'm too scared to ask people to spend time together. I know this sounds stupid but it's a problem. 

I can't stand the thought of being rejected. Example:

Me: "hey I'm bored wanna do something?"

Them: "sorry I gotta leave in half an hour because I have other plans" or "sorry I got work to do" or "sorry I'm not feeling too good right now"

Me: "ok.." 

I'm too afraid of this scenario playing out to even try. I know I've got nothing to lose but I still don't want to stand there like a desperate lonely idiot. 

If I text in a group chat the worst thing that can happen is that no one replies and that's even worse, I would feel even more unwanted. 

I don't think anyone wants me around and I know any social activity would raise my mood immensely but I don't seem to be able to be a normal person that people like and I don't even know what my question is. 

Any advice? 

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, haveaquestion said:

Example:

Me: "hey I'm bored wanna do something?"

Them: "sorry I gotta leave in half an hour because I have other plans" or "sorry I got work to do" or "sorry I'm not feeling too good right now"

Me: "ok.." 

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, take some classes and courses. That way you can mix it up with people and not get this bored and lonely. To me it's insulting to text someone "I'm bored, wanna do something" as if boredom is the only reason you're seeking them out. The above is not "a rejection", it's self-defeating approaches.

If you wish to make friends do the above as well as asking people to things in advance such a  get together at your place or some sort of event. Expecting others to do all the legwork or babysit bored people is not a great way to make friends.

[haveaquestion]

But why do you do anything, if not out of boredom? The only reason not to do nothing is because "nothing" is boring. It would be much more uncomfortable for me if I had to tell them my other reasons why I want to spend time with them like idk, because we're friends etc. I'm not asking to mix with new people, I already have these friends but I don't know, I feel it would be weird to admit that I like them enough to want to spend time with them and boredom is a normal reason to do anything. Also, I'd feel honoured if someone came to me because they're bored and picked out me of all people to hang out instead of just watching netflix or whatever. 

Also, I live in the same house as some of my friends so I wouldn't text them but just walk up to their room and ask. And I don't expect them to "babysit" me, but maybe one of us comes up with a cool idea where to go or what to do and then we can do that thing. They do it all the time, starting group calls with others from the city or randomly meeting up because they're bored. So why shouldn't I do the same? 

Asking in advance is even worse because then they will have expectations for the whole thing and if they don't have fun they'll be disappointed. If even the expectations for casually spontaneously hanging out are too much for me how could I deal with even higher expectations? 

And again, I already have friends. Of course I'll make some new friends as well but this is about the friends I already have. 

[ShyViolet]

I think you should get into therapy to work on your social anxiety.

[Foxhall]

Yes also would like to stress that positive energy is important and portraying a bounce or positive attitude,

as the previous poster above says if you are going around telling people you are bored all the time- well your putting a damper on the general mood straight away,

sabotaging yourself before you start,

I have been there too- it is a confidence thing, you need to get a bit of a confidence boost and feel good about something before you can really be naturally more enthusiastic,

but it will get better- main thing make the effort anyway-get out there joining things and while it will not happen overnight- a more positive outlook will yield results.

 

 

[haveaquestion]

7 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you should get into therapy to work on your social anxiety.

I just took a couple online tests and they say I only have a mild indication of social anxiety. I'm not afraid of people or social situations. I'm afraid of being the one that's "responsible" for a social situation. If someone asked me right now to go to a party where I don't know anyone I'd happily go and have a great time. If I overheard people talking about a party taking place I would ask them if I could come. BUT If I had to invite 20 people to a party I could not do it because I feel like they wouldn't want to come and if they don't have a good time, it would be my fault and then they wouldn't like me anymore. I feel indifferent or slightly excited about giving presentations and I talk to teachers as if they were my mates but I don't feel like anyone likes me and I'm afraid of this being confirmed. 

12 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

as the previous poster above says if you are going around telling people you are bored all the time- well your putting a damper on the general mood straight away,

Not all the time. I've actually never done this. This is just what I would like to do now but everything is holding me back. 

13 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

but it will get better- main thing make the effort anyway-get out there joining things and while it will not happen overnight- a more positive outlook will yield results.

I don't have the slightest problem with joining things, just with INITIATING things. For example, right now there is nothing to join. If I want time with my friends, I have to initiate something. And this is what I can't do. 

[Foxhall]

3 minutes ago, haveaquestion said:

I have to initiate something. And this is what I can't do. 

Something like- there is a really good movie in the cinema tonight" You want to come along with me?

 

Id love  a swim now- want to join me and we can have a coffee after,

I agree with you - that sounds easy- but its not that easy to actually say it"

give it a go however-people like to be led and for others to take the initiative.

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like this:

I get pay increases and promotions and praise at my job, but I am afraid people don't really appreciate my work at my job.

You have friends calling you asking you out but you don't think they want to be friends. 

Great topic for therapy. 

BTW: friends do say to me, "I can't talk right now." Or "I can meet this week" and on and on. But then later, they make themselves available.  You're half way up the mountain if you have people who do invite you out. Now you need to work on your own sense of connecting to other people and feeling seen and appreciated by other people.