Why is it so easy for the man

[Maylady]

I really am over my own situation.   I just noticed a pattern on this site. Not only in my own affair but many other people's affairs. Just trying to ask a question that could be helpful to others facing this dilemma. 

[Will am I]

On 10/4/2022 at 3:53 PM, Maylady said:

It seems to happen a lot.  The MM just goes back to his wife.  It doesn't seem that hard for them to walk away from us.  Mine cut and ran when his wife found out. Never heard from him again. How can they just walk like that

I take it that you were the OW in an affair where you wanted it to be more, maybe hoped the affair would be a prelude to a new permanent relationship?

Perspective: not every OW has expectations like that. For example "my" xOW didn't. She didn't want real commitment and she seemed happy by being the girl on the side. Although I think that the uncommitting attitude was in fact caused by childhood trauma, it was the attitude that she chose for herself.

Other perspective: at one point in time I knew I needed to break contact with xOW because I had decided that my struggling marriage was still worth a good, committed attempt at improving things. I ended things with xOW and broke contact. After that moment she didn't hear from me anymore. Did she at times feel dispensed? Maybe. It's possible that no-contact can give someone that feeling. What she didn't see is how often I thought about her, how much I missed her, my warm feelings for her. It's gradually worn off but emotionally it's not like left her to disappear into thin air. 

[heartwhole2]

I think that's a really interesting way to frame it . . . "why am I so easily disposed of?" Relationships are a two-way street, and anyone, even your spouse of decades, can end that relationship at any time. That doesn't have any bearing on your worth or how nice it is being married to (or in an affair with) you.

I think affairs are often a Catch 22 because a person struggling with self-esteem sees the married person's interest in them as some kind of proof of their worthiness via their ability to attract this person. And then when the affair ends and that person is the opposite of interested in them, then it's a catastrophic wound to the ego. But a healthy person would probably meet a MM and think, um no thanks, call me when you're single; I don't have time for this nonsense.

You weren't disposed of because a person who made you no promises lied to someone else to have sex with you and then didn't dump them for you in the end. You simply experienced the natural and predictable consequences of trusting an obviously un-trustworthy person. This is not to excuse the MM -- we don't get to mistreat other people just because they seem willing. Our behavior is always on us. But it's possible to gauge our chances of being hurt by others based on how they conduct themselves. We can save ourselves a lot of heartache this way.

By your logic, a BW would need to think, "Why was I so easily disposed of for the OW during the affair?" Do you really think she should think that? I don't internalize my husband's affair as being anything about me. Certainly his enduring gratitude for and appreciation of me suggest it couldn't have been. But even if he'd run off into the sunset with the OW, I know that I am a damn fine person and partner, and it's a shame if it didn't work out with the father of my children, but I will love and thrive again.

To sum up, I really think this is an issue of self love. Your worth is a constant that comes from a deep foundation within; it can't be rocked by interest from others, or the lack thereof.

[Will am I]

11 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Your worth is a constant that comes from a deep foundation within; it can't be rocked by interest from others, or the lack thereof.

This is such a good statement. 

 

[BrinnM]

16 hours ago, Will am I said:

After that moment she didn't hear from me anymore.

And you from her, as she was ok to just be the girlfriend, or? ——> And when it ended, she moved on. But like you said yourself - this is rare, and many will feel discarded and will start to ruminate. 

[Will am I]

I think xOW was better at affairs than I. 

By "better" I mean the ability to compartimentalize the relationship and keep it just for the thrill. Lesson learned: I'm no good at affairs. xOW was enjoying the attention and affection and I guess she was a little bit in love. I was in love. 

I would have hated to be in her shoes. Which is probably why it didn't feel right for me. I was doing something to someone, which I would not want anyone doing to me.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Will am I

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

I think xOW was better at affairs than I. 

By "better" I mean the ability to compartimentalize the relationship and keep it just for the thrill. Lesson learned: I'm no good at affairs. xOW was enjoying the attention and affection and I guess she was a little bit in love. I was in love. 

I would have hated to be in her shoes. Which is probably why it didn't feel right for me. I was doing something to someone, which I would not want anyone doing to me.

So you had empathy (for her at least . . . did you also feel it for your wife, or was the "volume" on that turned down?) . . . empathy is something that has to be cultivated and a lot of people don't really have it. I suspect that many cheaters are low in the empathy department, and this is why they're able to betray one partner and offer a secret, dead-end relationship to the other. Because you're right; we should treat others how we want to be treated.

[Will am I]

34 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

So you had empathy (for her at least . . . did you also feel it for your wife, or was the "volume" on that turned down?) . . . 

I think that’s a fair question. 

By nature, maybe I’m not a very empathic person. I think I have grown a lot in interpersonal skills ever since the EA, but at the time I wasn’t where I am now.

Something a lot of people will probably recognize: it’s much easier to empathize with someone you like. At the time, xOW was my favourite person. My wife, not so much. At the time I experienced my wife as someone who didn’t give me a lot of affection and I think I resented her over that.