Why is it so easy for the man

[Will am I]

11 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

Your worth is a constant that comes from a deep foundation within; it can't be rocked by interest from others, or the lack thereof.

This is such a good statement. 

 

[BrinnM]

16 hours ago, Will am I said:

After that moment she didn't hear from me anymore.

And you from her, as she was ok to just be the girlfriend, or? ——> And when it ended, she moved on. But like you said yourself - this is rare, and many will feel discarded and will start to ruminate. 

[Will am I]

I think xOW was better at affairs than I. 

By "better" I mean the ability to compartimentalize the relationship and keep it just for the thrill. Lesson learned: I'm no good at affairs. xOW was enjoying the attention and affection and I guess she was a little bit in love. I was in love. 

I would have hated to be in her shoes. Which is probably why it didn't feel right for me. I was doing something to someone, which I would not want anyone doing to me.

Edited October 6, 2022 by Will am I

[heartwhole2]

1 hour ago, Will am I said:

I think xOW was better at affairs than I. 

By "better" I mean the ability to compartimentalize the relationship and keep it just for the thrill. Lesson learned: I'm no good at affairs. xOW was enjoying the attention and affection and I guess she was a little bit in love. I was in love. 

I would have hated to be in her shoes. Which is probably why it didn't feel right for me. I was doing something to someone, which I would not want anyone doing to me.

So you had empathy (for her at least . . . did you also feel it for your wife, or was the "volume" on that turned down?) . . . empathy is something that has to be cultivated and a lot of people don't really have it. I suspect that many cheaters are low in the empathy department, and this is why they're able to betray one partner and offer a secret, dead-end relationship to the other. Because you're right; we should treat others how we want to be treated.

[Will am I]

34 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

So you had empathy (for her at least . . . did you also feel it for your wife, or was the "volume" on that turned down?) . . . 

I think that’s a fair question. 

By nature, maybe I’m not a very empathic person. I think I have grown a lot in interpersonal skills ever since the EA, but at the time I wasn’t where I am now.

Something a lot of people will probably recognize: it’s much easier to empathize with someone you like. At the time, xOW was my favourite person. My wife, not so much. At the time I experienced my wife as someone who didn’t give me a lot of affection and I think I resented her over that.