Trying to understand

[EJay1987]

Firstly, before I go into detail please know that I do understand I am not the victim in this situation. I know I played my part in doing something I shouldn’t have done but also, I am hurting and have come here as a way to process my feelings rather than receive abuse or negative judgement so please only reply if you feel you can help or offer supportive advice. Thank you.

For the last 6 months, I have been involved with an engaged man. After 3 months, I realised we both had feelings for each other and it wasn’t fair to continue like this. He wasn’t sure that he could walk away from the life he already had so I ended things.

He asked for more time but I said that I couldn’t do that as it wasn’t fair on anyone at this point. He was due to go on another holiday so I said we should cut all contact and that would allow him the time and space he needed to be sure one way or the other. 

We didn’t speak for a week and the day he came back he told me he had made his decision and he was sure, he wanted me. He showed me notes he had kept while he was away saying how much he loved me, missed me and needed to be with me. He said it was going to take some time to sort things out and it wasn’t going to be easy but he promised that he wanted me. This was around 6 weeks ago. 

Since then, whenever the opportunity has arisen for him to have the conversation with his fiancé, he has said that he couldn’t do it. Seeing how upset she was and the mess that it would cause, he didn’t feel like he could do that to her. I would be hurt, upset and walk away and the next week he would come back saying how sorry he was and that he was going to do it. 

This has happened 3-4 times. Each time he has taken a bigger step forward than the last but it still is never enough. He has told her he isn’t sure that their relationship is what he wants. He has been to his parents for a night and told her he needed space to figure things out. This then led to her getting their families involved who advised them both to sort it out and stay together. She made him text me to say we couldn’t talk but he was straight back in touch with me the next morning.

(She doesn’t know the extent of the affair and just thinks that we have been talking and grown close through work)

The final straw for me was finding out he’d agreed to go to a wedding fayre while this was all going on (this was around the second attempt, prior to leaving for his parents) He said he agreed to go just for an easy life and to prevent an argument but I can’t believe anything he says anymore. 

He said their relationship has always been good for the last 5 years, with no issues and that he’s happy. It was just the strong connection with me as to why he did this and he would have never done it otherwise. For me, he didn’t know how good this would be when he first flirted and made the first move so something must have been missing even then. He is convinced there was nothing wrong with their relationship so he can’t leave a good person who hasn’t done anything wrong.

I have cut all contact now and I know there is no going back. I am just struggling to process this all.

I trust what he has said about how he feels for me. He has broken down in tears so many times. I feel like he has tried to make it work and it is clear how hard he has found this but then I have to not be naive and realise his actions speaker louder than words.

How do I now come to terms with what has happened? I feel like my head is all over the place not knowing what to think or feel. I have to watch them live a ‘happy’ life now. 

 

[glows]

You’re aware that you are also capable of living a happy life? It may not be this instant but you have that ability as well. He can’t be the sole intent or cause of your happiness. Never ever make a person your reason for waking up or remaining fulfilled or engaged with your life. That’s all on you.  And then find people who approach life the same way who are self-motivated and regulate themselves in healthy ways. 

He showed you his relationship comes first and he won’t leave her. Yet he also was two faced enough to go behind her back. This is no loss to you, and in fact a massive gain. What you’ve just gotten rid of is someone with the capacity to deceive and cheat. Take a time out and let the sadness come in waves. You are a lot better off now than you were involved with him.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

I have to watch them live a ‘happy’ life now.

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Do you work together? Why do you "have to watch them..."?

[EJay1987]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You dodged a bullet. Do you work together? Why do you "have to watch them..."?

Sadly we do work at the same location, I can do something about this long term if needed

[EJay1987]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re aware that you are also capable of living a happy life? 

You’re right and I wouldn’t depend on anyone to be happy. I think what I’m struggling to process is how that relationship can be happy and succeed when something like this has happened?

[glows]

32 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

You’re right and I wouldn’t depend on anyone to be happy. I think what I’m struggling to process is how that relationship can be happy and succeed when something like this has happened?

It may not succeed. Life is long and I’ll just keep it short and say that not all marriages last. It’s none of your business though. Make it none of your concern. Feel the sadness and say goodbye.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Alpacalia]

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

While my ex-fiance chose me, I dumped him.

In the end, he did not become involved with her.

So there's that.

Treat this like a regular break-up.

Take time to mourn your loss and then move forward.

[EJay1987]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.

While my ex-fiance chose me, I dumped him.

In the end, he did not become involved with her.

So there's that.

Treat this like a regular break-up.

Take time to mourn your loss and then move forward.

I am sorry that happened to you but envy your ability to be strong and put yourself first like that 

[BaileyB]

Good for you for ending the relationship, it was the right thing to do. 

Look forward, not backward. Their life is their life, it’s none of your concern. Life has better things waiting for you, if you have the courage to go and find them. 

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[EJay1987]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Good for you for ending the relationship, it was the right thing to do. 

Look forward, not backward. Their life is their life, it’s none of your concern. Life has better things waiting for you, if you have the courage to go and find them. 

Thank you.

It has really knocked my self confidence and I find myself thinking ‘if I had done this differently’ ‘If I looked a certain way’ or ‘if my house was nicer’.

This isn’t like me but I feel really rejected and I’m struggling to understand all of this.

[Lotsgoingon]

Very smart. The only thing to think about here is to realize that a fragile insecure affair-fling can feel great. Doesn't mean that you have the foundation of a real relationship.

Even if he had "chosen" you, things would not have been secure for you. You would know that the other woman was a phone call away. He'd still have feelings for her. Feelings don't immediately shut off. I once got involved with a woman who had broken up with a guy like a month earlier. In the middle of intimacy--I mean right in the middle--she burst our crying in sadness for her ex. 

The good feelings you have for him are NOT a good indication of the potential when he was involved with someone else. That's the clearest rule I can tell you. 

[glows]

59 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

Thank you.

It has really knocked my self confidence and I find myself thinking ‘if I had done this differently’ ‘If I looked a certain way’ or ‘if my house was nicer’.

This isn’t like me but I feel really rejected and I’m struggling to understand all of this.

The beauty about a cheater or a person dabbling with poor choices is that you don’t have to understand it. You may never understand him and that is perfectly fine. The person you want to be and what he is is different. Whatever he is you are not. Don’t squander your life on people you can’t respect.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EJay1987 said:

It has really knocked my self confidence and I find myself thinking ‘if I had done this differently’ ‘If I looked a certain way’ or ‘if my house was nicer’.

The good news is it's not about you. It's about a unavailable cheating wolf who uses woman for dessert.  Jump for joy that you are free of him. Now you can find a decent honest man.

Edited October 2, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, EJay1987 said:

It has really knocked my self confidence and I find myself thinking ‘if I had done this differently’ ‘If I looked a certain way’ or ‘if my house was nicer’.

With kindness, you don’t want this guy. 

Let’s say that he is madly in love with you and he has truly decided that he wants to end his engagement.. who tells his fiancé that he is “not sure what he wants” and goes to sleep at his parents house for a night? Like, she’s supposed to take the hint that he wants to end the relationship - and make the decision for him?  I mean, he has the ability to make a decision and communicate that decision with kindness and respect - does he not?  All while keeping his own personal integrity and honouring you - the love of his life. 

He’s trying to tell you that he can’t be honest with his fiancé because he doesn’t want to hurt her? No. What he is doing now is hurting her. And you. 

It’s as my boss says about an employee who is struggling at work - it’s not easy, and it doesn’t feel like this would be true, but the kindest thing you can do for that person is to give them honest feedback - tell them how they are struggling, help them to develop a plan to improve the things they need to work on, and then be honest if it’s not improving. To say nothing, to take the easy way out and not provide the feedback before pulling the rug out from underneath them is a terrible thing to do to someone. It is essentially what he’s doing to his fiancé. 

But if he was to end his engagement and get with you, you would never be able to trust him because one day, you think you are happily married with two kids and a dog and the next day, he tells you that he’s got feelings for a coworker. 

No, this is surely not the man that you would chose to be your life partner. You don’t realize that right now, but one day you will look back on this breakup with nothing but gratitude…

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

Are you warring with your own actions involving this cheater, OP? I ask out of curiosity where the struggle is coming from. You implicated yourself. Is it guilt? 

Don’t worry about other people being happy. Focus more on what you’re doing with your life, live well.

[EJay1987]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Are you warring with your own actions involving this cheater, OP? I ask out of curiosity where the struggle is coming from. You implicated yourself. Is it guilt? 

Don’t worry about other people being happy. Focus more on what you’re doing with your life, live well.

I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ in the end. I let myself believe it all and enjoy the highs so the lows are just hitting really hard now

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ in the end.

When you chose a man who is in a relationship with another woman, there is always going to be a loser.

Don’t her let your value be determined by a man. Especially one who is cheating on his wife…

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ in the end. I let myself believe it all and enjoy the highs so the lows are just hitting really hard now

It's not a matter of you not being good enough.

It's just that his connection with her was stronger. Despite what he led you to believe.

I'm sorry.

I know you're going to be fine, though.

Your happiness isn't derived from him.

 

[EJay1987]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's not a matter of you not being good enough.

It's just that his connection with her was stronger. Despite what he led you to believe.

I'm sorry.

I know you're going to be fine, though.

Your happiness isn't derived from him.

 

Thank you.

His answer to me was that he wanted to be with me, he knew he would be happier with me but he is a coward and can’t deal with the mess it causes afterwards (guilt, selling the house, judgement from friends and family etc) He said it was all too much to deal with and he felt bad giving up what would be a perfectly good life when his fiancé hasn’t done anything wrong. But I guess that, along with everything else he said, could have been a lie. 
 

[BaileyB]

27 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

His answer to me was that he wanted to be with me, he knew he would be happier with me but he is a coward and can’t deal with the mess it causes afterwards (guilt, selling the house, judgement from friends and family etc)

So, he is going to throw himself on the sword and suffer through life with another woman. That’s the better option, better than being honest, living authentically, and ending an engagement and allowing them both the opportunity to find a partner who loves them passionately?

27 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

He said it was all too much to deal with and he felt bad giving up what would be a perfectly good life when his fiancé hasn’t done anything wrong. 

“Perfectly good” - just what every woman wants to hear from her future her husband as he considers a future together… She hasn’t done anything wrong, they will have a perfectly good life together, he should marry her because it would be a real hassle to have to sell the house…

Fast forward a few years - this is the same guy who will cheat on his pregnant wife and tell his affair partner - “I never really wanted to get married. I only did it because she wanted to get married. And then, she wanted a baby.” He will tell his tale of woe to another woman who will be gullible enough to feel sorry for him…

He has made his decision. He can blame it on her or their families if he wants, but he has chosen his fiancé. Of course, he would prefer to keep you too… But, if that’s not an option, he has chosen his fiancé. 

Lucky woman indeed. 

Edited October 2, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, EJay1987 said:

I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ in the end. I let myself believe it all and enjoy the highs so the lows are just hitting really hard now

Try to reflect on why stealing another woman's man would make you "good enough". Also 'enjoying high and lows' speaks to love of drama. The good news is by incorporating more activity in your life you can fix this craving.

For example join some clubs and groups, volunteer, take some classes and courses, get involved in fitness and better health,  get a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 Finally see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some  tests done. Make sure your not masking depression, anxiety, etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. A therapist can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive thoughts and behaviors. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, EJay1987 said:

I think it’s more a lack of self esteem and wondering why I wasn’t ‘good enough’ in the end. I let myself believe it all and enjoy the highs so the lows are just hitting really hard now

Kindly, this happens in any break up regardless if there’s someone else or an engaged partner whom he’s been 5 years deep in a relationship with. You only just arrived 6 months ago. And they are planning a lifetime together. It would be difficult to place any real importance or significance on what you both shared and it sounds like he also was caught up in the moment and loved the attention coming from another woman. I understand it’s hitting you hard but all that’s needed is acceptance. 

If you were naive or believed he’d leave her for you now’s the time to face that. Any experience that is uncomfortable like this offers an opportunity for learning too. Sure, you got burnt but you’ll also hopefully realize that these types of relationships don’t often work in your favour. Also look at the type of person you placed your trust in - low morals and low integrity. A man engaged while trying to hop or dreaming of hopping at some point to someone else. Even if he was unsure about his fiancée he needs to work it out on his own without involving others in the fiasco or ensuing drama. I am so sorry this is happening but you have self-esteem and the courage to say goodbye.

Stick to your guns on this one and remain steady in your decision, let time do the healing and shake this off. As someone else said, you’ll look back in infinite gratitude that this never worked.
 

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Lotsgoingon]

So the esteem issue is not based on this experience, though you think it is. 

You want to have higher confidence in yourself, appreciation for yourself, and then you can ignore guys like this who are involved with others. If you can impress this guy, trust me: you can impress many many more non-involved guys. 

Somehow you are describing yourself as not valuable and then this guy comes on the scene, you feel valued, and now he pulls away and you're back to feeling unvalued. 

You have value. But you have to believe and feel that for yourself. The world can't really give you that feeling in any kind of stable way.  You can do it for yourself! 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You have value. But you have to believe and feel that for yourself. The world can't really give you that feeling in any kind of stable way.  You can do it for yourself! 

You do that, in part, by walking away from guys like this who will take what they want and leave you with nothing - feeing empty and more broken than you were when they found you. 

You’ve already taken a really big step by ending this affair. 

Edited October 3, 2022 by BaileyB

[EJay1987]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to reflect on why stealing another woman's man would make you "good enough". Also 'enjoying high and lows' speaks to love of drama. The good news is by incorporating more activity in your life you can fix this craving.

For example join some clubs and groups, volunteer, take some classes and courses, get involved in fitness and better health,  get a good profile and pics on some dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

 Finally see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some  tests done. Make sure your not masking depression, anxiety, etc. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. A therapist can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive thoughts and behaviors. 

I didn’t enjoy the highs and lows. This made me really happy at times so now it’s just hitting hard that it’s all gone