Is an affair with co worker equivalent of dating a co worker?

[Mizz Layta]

I've been seeing a Married co worker for months until I noticed my desire to be intimate with him dwindling. I started feeling relieved whenever he takes time off work as he likes to kiss in a elevator.

I started making excuses to not meet up for sex. The last time we met was few weeks ago and that's when I realized that It wasn't just a phase..I don't want to sleep with him anymore. I don't know what happened but I just lost attraction and he now makes my skin scrawl when he touches me

Last time I told him that I need to take a break to think things through. I was trying to create a distance between us. He didn't initiate any hook up plans for 2 weeks but we continued communicating about work via texts. Now he started asking to meet outside work again and sneaked in the elevator to kiss me  and it annoyed me and felt  I felt backed up the corner . Fortunately I had an appontment so I told him I can't make it. The following week he asked me if I wanted to continue since I had told him I needed space. And I told him that I'm not sure if I still want to see him and will let him know. To which he said to keep him posted and made it clear that he doesn't want to stop but if I decided not to he will respect it

My plan is to not follow up and hope it fades..would that work? I'm trying to avoid tension at work

[spiritedaway2003]

You're not attracted/interested in him.  He's also giving you an out.  Take it and be direct.   That is the best way to avoid tension.  Not "not follow-up". 

Tell him that you're not interested in continuing.  That is all.  Don't prolong what is necessary to clarify your intent and remove any potential miscommunication or unwanted attention.

In time, spend time to work on why you're having such a hard time saying "no". 

[BaileyB]

You don’t need to offer a reason, you can just tell him that you’ve decided you no longer want to continue what you have been doing…

Hopefully he will respect your decision. If he doesn’t, you can go to HR but just be aware that there may also be consequences for you because you have been involved in a very inappropriate workplace relationship. That is likely the reason why many people would leave and find another job.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't understand.  Why "hope it fades" when you already are losing interest in having sex with him?  Just stop doing it.   

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Mizz Layta said:

. I started feeling relieved whenever he takes time off work as he likes to kiss in a elevator. I'm trying to avoid tension at work

It sounds like sexual harassment if you are uncomfortable even going into work. Report him to HR. Start sending out resumes ASAP.  Even if you do report this creep, you're better off making a living at a less toxic workplace.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Mizz Layta said:

My plan is to not follow up and hope it fades..would that work? 

Probably not, no. 

Just be direct that you don't want to continue. Easy and done. 

[Mizz Layta]

Thank you guys for your response and I figure the best thing is to be direct so I can avoid any miscommunication. It's obvious that he still clinging to hope since he messaged me the day before yesterday saying that he was checking out my body at work since he missed it.

Another thing is, he also likes to sneak in touches in workplace environment and I have told him to cease  few times since I don't want to get into trouble so the only place he now insist physical contact is in the elevator since they're no cameras. I've also found myself avoiding being alone with him in there. So it's best to nip it in the bud now

I'm hoping that he won't try to make a move since he made it clear that even if we stopped seeing each other he still want to be able to occasionally meet up for sex. but I don't think there's coming back from the "ick" factor. Besides, I just want a clean break and hopefully meet a single man outside work in the future

[NuevoYorko]

Why do you talk as if you are completely passive with no free agency?   Say NO.  That's how we end relationships.  Let the other person know it's over and no longer interact with them in that way.   While you're at it, tell him to keep his hands to himself or you will report him for sexual harassment.   

Edited October 2, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Mizz Layta]

I've already told him that I want to leave the physical contact outside the office since he would always want to kiss in hidden areas such as staircases etc..but utimatemately  compromise to limit it to elevator  since the risk of being walked in virtually impossible. but now that I'm , trying to extract myself from him, i avoided getting in the elevator with him

And in any event he won't respect my wishes to not be physical and I  report it for sexual harassment, can that be risk of the affair coming to light? like if he tries to show proof that we were in fact seeing each other outside work?

[glows]

Yes, there’s a risk of anything being brought to light and that was a risk you were willing to take from day 1 even if it wasn’t realized at the time. It’s always risky mixing work with pleasure. I would be direct and also brief about ending it. Mention you don’t want to continue and if he asks why repeat yourself that you don’t wish to continue meeting him, then say you have to go. Leave the area physically and keep your distance from now on. Let things die off and stay focused on your work. You don’t want the quality of your work to suffer either nor your productivity.

Edited October 2, 2022 by glows

[Luna66star]

Telling him you "don't know and will let him know" sounds to him like a "maybe".  Perhaps on some level you don't want this to stop.  Confiding here there is no more attraction and his touch feels "icky" is confusing. I don't think 🤔 you are truly sure this should end.  Otherwise you would have been crystal clear and said "it's over".

I don’t mean to be critical, just reading through the lines of what you told him and what you told us.

 

 

[Mizz Layta]

1 hour ago, Luna66star said:

Telling him you "don't know and will let him know" sounds to him like a "maybe".  Perhaps on some level you don't want this to stop.  Confiding here there is no more attraction and his touch feels "icky" is confusing. I don't think 🤔 you are truly sure this should end.  Otherwise you would have been crystal clear and said "it's over".

I don’t mean to be critical, just reading through the lines of what you told him and what you told us.

 

 

There were times when I would make excuse not to meet when I just wasn't in a mood to be intimate then would agree the following time. But after a while I noticed that the desire stopped when I started coming up strings of  excuses not being able to meet each time. This is when i told him that I needed space to think things through. At this point wasn't 100% sure. We talked then decided to meet for the last time, before the break. That's when I realized that I really didn't want to see him again. Everything he did irritated me. From the sound of his voice and found myself avoiding him. And during this time, he didn't initiate any hooks up and was hoping it will just fade since I had no intentions of rekindling things. We continued talk outside work about work related matters until he started making comments like I miss your lips etc. after 3 weeks   he point blank asked me to clarify if I still want to continue since I had said I wasn't sure. I felt backed in the corner so I told him I will him know. In  hopes it will fade without outright rejecting him. It's not because I still want to continue, it's just because I'm not comfortable with confrontation and given we work together. I just don't want to hurt his feelings and telling someone you don't want to see them again who clearly still into you is not comfortable to me. But I realized that I've been giving him mixed signals and it's best to be direct

Edited October 2, 2022 by Mizz Layta

[BaileyB]

1 minute ago, Mizz Layta said:

after 3 weeks   he point blank asked me to clarify if i still want to continue since i had said i wasn't sure. I felt backed in the corner so I told him I will him know. In  hopes it will fade without outright rejecting him.

In the words of Nancy Reagan, ‘Just say no.’

It’s not his decision whether to end this affair, it’s yours. 

1 minute ago, Mizz Layta said:

But i realized that I've been giving him mixed signals and it's best to be direct

Exactly. Put your girl girl pants on, continue to keep your distance but if he approaches you again tell him that you have decided to end this affair and ask him to leave you alone. 

[mark clemson]

I'd politely and kindly but also quite firmly make it clear that it's over. Some men are better at "getting the hint" than others.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Mizz Layta said:

   he point blank asked me to clarify if I still want to continue since I had said I wasn't sure.

Ok. Then clarify it in definitive concrete terms. Are you afraid to lose your job or are you not sure you want the affair 100% over?

[Mizz Layta]

UPDATE:

So MM and I didn't communicate this weekend but today since we were back to work, he sent me a text saying that he likes my butt and wants to grab it again if I would let him. I felt annoyed since I had told him I need space and he said he will give me space so I didn't like the pressure he was putting on me.I thought he was going to leave it alone and i wouldn't have to say anything

so I decided to send him a message stating that we should be just co workers going forward and sorry to say but the affair is over. ..He hasn't responded so I wonder if things will be awkward tomorrow at work

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

he sent me a text saying that he likes my butt and wants to grab it again if I would let him.

Why not forward this to his wife and HR? That would solve a lot of problems about needing space and feeling smothered at work.

[BaileyB]

On 10/3/2022 at 4:39 PM, Mizz Layta said:

I decided to send him a message stating that we should be just co workers going forward and sorry to say but the affair is over. ..He hasn't responded so I wonder if things will be awkward tomorrow at work

If he sends you another inappropriate text or email, your reply should simply advise that this is his one and only warning - the next time he crosses the line you will be telling his wife and HR. That should make it stop. 

[Walter Kronite]

On 10/1/2022 at 3:21 PM, Mizz Layta said:

I've been seeing a Married co worker for months until I noticed my desire to be intimate with him dwindling. I started feeling relieved whenever he takes time off work as he likes to kiss in a elevator.

I started making excuses to not meet up for sex. The last time we met was few weeks ago and that's when I realized that It wasn't just a phase..I don't want to sleep with him anymore. I don't know what happened but I just lost attraction and he now makes my skin scrawl when he touches me

Last time I told him that I need to take a break to think things through. I was trying to create a distance between us. He didn't initiate any hook up plans for 2 weeks but we continued communicating about work via texts. Now he started asking to meet outside work again and sneaked in the elevator to kiss me  and it annoyed me and felt  I felt backed up the corner . Fortunately I had an appontment so I told him I can't make it. The following week he asked me if I wanted to continue since I had told him I needed space. And I told him that I'm not sure if I still want to see him and will let him know. To which he said to keep him posted and made it clear that he doesn't want to stop but if I decided not to he will respect it

My plan is to not follow up and hope it fades..would that work? I'm trying to avoid tension at work

It makes me sad that you are dealing with your accountability protocols engaging so your skin crawling is a terrible reaction always. If you are stable at work you can take it to the employer but that is messy.  However, you can notify them after you have let him know you no longer wish to have a physical relationship with him. You should look up the rules on "unwanted sexual advances" in the workplace. Even quoting the law with your emailed statement should cause the awkwardness you would prefer versus him touching your bottom. Keep in mind, you could feel compassionate but what is probably best is to be honest as soon as you can.

Good luck

[Mizz Layta]

Thank you everyone for your feed back. After telling him that it's over , it seemed like he accepted my decision until he started contacting me and making more flirty comments. He was clearly holding up hope ...and he even suggested to meet after work, that's when I told him again that I will not change my mind, I'm no longer interested and please stop pursing me and try to change my mind and to accept that it's over. Now he has completely back off. I also found out a week before ending it that he also been with another co worker in our office and his wife found out. So i told him that we should leave it at that and we should be thankful that no one got hurt in the process and i no longer want to be part it

[glows]

You’re welcome. Keep it professional from now onwards. If you think he’s being sly or weird about anything, change the subject and never be in the same room or area alone with this person. Just leave or go some place else.

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

i told him that we should leave it at that and we should be thankful that no one got hurt in the process

No one but his wife. 

34 minutes ago, Mizz Layta said:

I also found out a week before ending it that he also been with another co worker in our office and his wife found out.

He’s a piece or work. 

You did well to end it. I wouldn’t say he is “holding out hope” as much as he is testing your boundaries. 

Good luck, I hope you continue on your own path to a better future. 

Edited October 17, 2022 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

Read up on your work policy on sexual harassment. Hopefully he'll stick to business now, but it's wise to be prepared for additional "efforts" on his part now, JIC he has trouble keeping himself from further attempts at rekindling this.