You deserve better, is there someone better?

[PinkFriday]

I am 42 and I have had 7 ex boyfriends. I've never met anyone with such intense chemistry as I currently experience with MM. There is a saying that you don't know a good sex until you have one. The sex with MM is so good that I couldn't believe I would experience something so good at 42 years of age. It's not my place but I become really jealous of his wife, why did she get to marry someone so good (though I did not factor in his cheating behaviour). I did consider ending the affair with MM as the jealousy towards his wife is eating me up. At the same time how could I end something so good?

I have had so many relationships in the past and I never felt so good with anyone, is there someone better out there? Can we HONESTLY say we can be happy alone or with just our girl friends? Is it possible to be contented as the OW? Actually I don't want to marry him even if he were to leave his wife.

Sorry if my English is bad, I'm not a native speaker.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

When I experienced intense sexual chemistry with him, I told myself I would not want to marry him even if he were to divorce his wife. And here I am 3 months later, becoming slave to my feelings and ended up here. I feel like he's my free gigolo instead. I really want to run because I am afraid more of losing myself.

Well, you are enjoying good sex but you seem to be getting hurt when he goes home to his wife. It depends on how long you hope to carry on and if his wife finds out or it ends abruptly for whatever reason. Take it day by day. At some point the pain of staying will exceed the pain of leaving and you can decide then, what you wish to do.

[PinkFriday]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well, you are enjoying good sex but you seem to be getting hurt when he goes home to his wife. It depends on how long you hope to carry on and if his wife finds out or it ends abruptly for whatever reason. Take it day by day. At some point the pain of staying will exceed the pain of leaving and you can decide then, what you wish to do.

Exactly what I thought as well. I'm just wondering what's the alternative. If I were to run now, can I honestly be happy again? I kinda lost interest in a lot of things except reading books. 

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, PinkFriday said:

If I were to run now, can I honestly be happy again?

Are you actually happy now?

[PinkFriday]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Are you actually happy now?

Currently there are more good days than bad. But I feel myself getting more emotionally attached over time. I wasn't jealous of his wife in the beginning. I was able to compartmentalise the affair in the beginning. 

[BrinnM]

23 minutes ago, PinkFriday said:

If I were to run now, can I honestly be happy again? I kinda lost interest in a lot of things

That’s because you’re preoccupied with this man and with how he makes you feel. If you walked away now (which I know you won’t), it wouldn’t work, because in your brain the alarm bells would go off screaming “unfinished business”. Your brain chemicals want to know how this will play out. If you think ahead, though, logically, you will already know now what’s ahead. More sex, more secrets, more of everything until he decides to stop it, for whatever reason.
 

So, if you’re a person who allegedly enjoys no strings attached sex, and, if like you say you wouldn’t want to get serious with him anyway (even if he were available), this affair is right up your alley, right?? The thing is: Is what you’re saying authentic? Because if it bothers you that his wife is so lucky to have him, then you’re more involved than you should be, emotionally speaking. You need to be honest with yourself, and possibly change your approach, & regroup. His wife will always be there, unless something unexpected happens, and you need to come to terms with that. Jealousy and envy won’t serve you well in this scenario. Also - if you think about it: she’s not the lucky one, obviously, because she’s living a lie and doesn’t even know it. 
 

Edited September 20, 2022 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

6 minutes ago, PinkFriday said:

Currently there are more good days than bad. But I feel myself getting more emotionally attached over time. I wasn't jealous of his wife in the beginning. I was able to compartmentalise the affair in the beginning. 

Which is the typical experience for most women who have affairs. Skipping ahead, the relationship drama will increase over time, the sex will decline, and your mental health will plummet. So, continue at your own risk. 

[PinkFriday]

47 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

That’s because you’re preoccupied with this man and with how he makes you feel.

No, I felt my life was empty and meaningless until I met MM. I felt I was done with my life because I have experienced everything that I wanted to experience and there was nothing to look forward to. I wasn't suicidal but I was just existing day by day. This is also why I am so afraid of ending the affair as I have nothing to fall back on.

 

52 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

The thing is: Is what you’re saying authentic? Because if it bothers you that his wife is so lucky to have him, then you’re more involved than you should be, emotionally speaking.

I become very attached to him emotionally as he was very sweet to me every single day. And he cuddles me all night long whenever we are together. But I do not want to be emotionally attached to him because it makes me lose myself and messes up my mind. And I do not want to marry him and be suspicious whether he would cheat on me.

 

57 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

she’s not the lucky one, obviously, because she’s living a lie and doesn’t even know it. 

If she never finds out about us, then she lives blissfully..

[PinkFriday]

52 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Which is the typical experience for most women who have affairs. Skipping ahead, the relationship drama will increase over time, the sex will decline, and your mental health will plummet. So, continue at your own risk. 

I hope I could sort out my oxytocin overdosed head and go back to just having fun. But then again the passion would wean over time.

[glows]

Just now, PinkFriday said:

No, I felt my life was empty and meaningless until I met MM. I felt I was done with my life because I have experienced everything that I wanted to experience and there was nothing to look forward to. I wasn't suicidal but I was just existing day by day. 

At the risk of sounding blithe, see a doctor about this. It sounds like depression and only you can do anything about it. You’re not expected to solve issues on your own and if there are things you need to be focusing on or changing listen to yourself. You’re unhappy on your own and it never bodes well falling into relationships in that frame of mind. 

[PinkFriday]

1 minute ago, glows said:

You’re unhappy on your own and it never bodes well falling into relationships in that frame of mind.

Totally agree! 

[BaileyB]

24 minutes ago, PinkFriday said:

I felt my life was empty and meaningless until I met MM.

I become very attached to him emotionally

Brinn is 100% on the money when she says that you are preoccupied with this man and how he makes you feel. I would suggest that you are preoccupied with him in an unhealthy way. This affair is very much an emotional decision for you and emotional decisions are not usually the best decisions for any of us.

Absolutely agree with the suggestion that you see a doctor and get yourself a counsellor, you do sound like you are depressed. As was said above, your chosen coping strategy is not a healthy decision for you long term. It also won’t work long term. Eventually, the high will wear off, you will want what he can not offer, and/or he will end it. And, it will be devastating. Best to try and get out in front of it now, get things sorted before you find yourself in a truly desperate situation. 

Edited September 20, 2022 by BaileyB

[Will am I]

I can’t change your mind but I can present a few thoughts.

1. Your affair is so exciting — all affairs are. Because he’s not really available and it has to be in the shadows. A real relationship with MM wouldn’t be nearly as exciting?

2. He’s so good at sex. Is his wife getting it too, or is he saving his best performance for you?

3. The infidelity. Should you be jealous at a woman who’s getting awfully hurt?

Add them up. When you think about how much you want this man, you’re totally into some mirage of a reality which doesn’t really exist.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

I did consider ending the affair with MM as the jealousy towards his wife is eating me up.

Considering you don’t want to marry him, I suspect you’re not really jealous of his wife. What could be happening is that you have low self-worth, so you’re really caught up with thinking what’s wrong with you that you can’t get a man like this. 
 

As has been pointed out, you’re not happy on your own, so the sex with this man essentially is a great distraction from your own thoughts, which has already been suggested, might be depressive in nature. 

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

 Is it possible to be contented as the OW?

 Yes there are SOME people who seem to be able to be content with an OM/OW role long term...

 

5 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

I become really jealous of his wife... the jealousy towards his wife is eating me up.

And it doesn't sound very much like you're one of them.

 

5 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

 is there someone better out there?

There may be someone better out there. It does appear that for SOME folks, the "excitement" of the affair heightens things, e.g. sexually. It's also true that the dysfunctional "so good, but can't have" aspect of the affair sometimes CAN (but doesn't always) affect people in a way that heightens the emotional "bond." (This CAN sometimes also happen in other "kept apart" situations, such as some LDRs, temporary job relocations, military deployments, etc).

A heightened emotional state and heightened "thrills" of sex can lead to a pretty intense relationship when you do see each other. And certainly those two things can be inter-related. But of course it's dysfunctional in that it's an affair and so you can't really be with that person unless/until their existing relationship ends.

 

5 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

Can we HONESTLY say we can be happy alone or with just our girl friends?

Some people are perfectly happy on their own/uncoupled. Others are not. So, this will depend on your personal "psychology" (e.g. beliefs about whether you "should" be married/with someone, how secure you feel on your own, etc).

Edited September 20, 2022 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

I have had so many relationships in the past and I never felt so good with anyone

You realize that this is not an accurate comparison. It’s like saying, “I’ve worked my whole life and I’ve never felt as good as I’ve felt on this vacation!” While that may very well be true, it is for good reason. In both examples, you are in this weird little bubble where you are removed from the monotony and stress of life’s daily responsibilities. You can forget the sadness and the loneliness. You are enjoying the adventure, the novelty, the excitement of the experience of being with this man/travelling. But like travelling, this affair will come to an end someday because it’s not reality. You had best prepare yourself for that day. 

[Will am I]

I love that analogy. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

But like travelling, this affair will come to an end someday because it’s not reality.

Sorry, sustainable is perhaps a better word than reality. Although both are true. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

 I wasn't suicidal but I was just existing day by day. This is also why I am so afraid of ending the affair as I have nothing to fall back on.

This is very important. If this is just filling a need/scratching an itch that's fine.

However if this is filling a void in your life or being used as a form of "feeling alive" (from the drama) or because your life is in a slump, then when it ends (and it will) you'll be back to square one with voids, isolation, loneliness and the same issues that drew you into this.

Edited September 20, 2022 by Wiseman2

[PinkFriday]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

There may be someone better out there. It does appear that for SOME folks, the "excitement" of the affair heightens things, e.g. sexually. It's also true that the dysfunctional "so good, but can't have" aspect of the affair sometimes CAN (but doesn't always) affect people in a way that heightens the emotional "bond." (This CAN sometimes also happen in other "kept apart" situations, such as some LDRs, temporary job relocations, military deployments, etc).

A heightened emotional state and heightened "thrills" of sex can lead to a pretty intense relationship when you do see each other. And certainly those two things can be inter-related. But of course it's dysfunctional in that it's an affair and so you can't really be with that person unless/until their existing relationship ends.

Unfortunately relationships these days are very confusing. There are so many school of thoughts around: Marriage and babies kill desire, monogamy is unnatural, uncertainties breed desire, marriage is a social construct, institutional contract designed to benefit the economy.

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some people are perfectly happy on their own/uncoupled. Others are not. So, this will depend on your personal "psychology" (e.g. beliefs about whether you "should" be married/with someone, how secure you feel on your own, etc).

I'm not sure if they are actually happy or if they brainwash themselves to be happy if they can't find anyone compatible. 

Amid all these thoughts, what I want is to have no expectation of MM and just enjoy the ride, and transit into FWB type of relationship, which was my original intention. Of course I have to work on issues such as the emotional attachments, maybe it's possible.

[PinkFriday]

8 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

What could be happening is that you have low self-worth, so you’re really caught up with thinking what’s wrong with you that you can’t get a man like this. 

That was exactly what I thought. The weird thing is I am a confident person. But I don't understand why I can't get high-value men. I suspect it's because I'm the only child and I got paranoid that I'd die alone with cats. 

The part where I feel my life ia empty and meaningless happens just recently. It could be mid-life crisis. It could also be because I juat moved to another country to start a business and all my friends are not here with me. 

[PinkFriday]

6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

But like travelling, this affair will come to an end someday because it’s not reality. You had best prepare yourself for that day. 

Interesting that you mention about travelling. I have a friend who is trapped in an unhappy marriage and he travels solo to escape. The similarity between travelling and affair is the excitement, the mystery. Why don't I travel instead of having an affair? Maybe because I'm a narcissist who need external validation. Gosh I'm such a mess. Yes I've been looking for therapists. I had one session about a month back but it wasn't too good.

[PinkFriday]

Side note: Why is it that men are able to compartmentalise affairs better than women? Why are they more inclined to breadcrumbing you once the excitement wears off?? Can't women do the same???

[basil67]

8 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

Side note: Why is it that men are able to compartmentalise affairs better than women? Why are they more inclined to breadcrumbing you once the excitement wears off?? Can't women do the same???

Broad generalisation: It's not about gender, it's about being married.   Whether the one who's cheating is male or female, they aren't about to explode their marriage and family for the person on the side, so they compartmentalise. 

[BrinnM]

11 hours ago, PinkFriday said:

Amid all these thoughts, what I want is to have no expectation of MM and just enjoy the ride, and transit into FWB type of relationship, which was my original intention. Of course I have to work on issues such as the emotional attachments, maybe it's possible.

You’re already questioning why women can’t compartmentalize as well as men in a previous post, which, IMO, is not the case. It’s totally dependent on personality, and what one wants from life and romance/love, and not gender-based. I don’t see you, based on what you’ve written here, to be an affair partner who would be satisfied with an FWB sitch.
 

You are saying - already now, in the beginning stages - that you can’t compartmentalize, you say you’re emotionally too involved, you are asking why you can’t get a quality man (or a high value man), you’re comparing yourself to his wife, you’re experiencing jealousy, and so forth. This leads me to the conclusion that you are most likely not made for this type of relationship. You’ll be suffering, and driving yourself nuts. You are already ruminating way too much about this. Of course, now it’s too late to stop. You’re loving the attention and the lovemaking. There’s no way back. 
You can’t train yourself to feel less, or to feel differently. 

I’m not telling you to break it off for moral reasons, but for the sake of your own sanity. To continue with an affair as a single woman, you need to be fulfilled with your own life, because true fulfillment will not happen in your affair. It will only partially fulfill you, if you’re open to it; and it has to be enough. Enough for you, because that’s who you are, and because you yourself don’t want more. Regardless of what he wants. That’s how it works, and that’s the only way it works.
 

There is one sentence somewhere in your posts above where you say you don’t want more anyways, because you’d never marry him. But the rest of your posts sounds very different. You’re already overthinking this, and it’ll do you no good in the long run.