Can longer affairs remain only physical?

[Lizza340]

I’ve got a bit of a situation here and have been reading these posts for awhile now, taking in all the advice I can from others’ relationships. It’s been helpful to relate to others especially given the secretive nature of these relationships — I feel like I’ve got no one to talk to in real life about it.

 

Long story short, I met and reconnected with a man I knew a decade ago. We completely hit it off and the attraction took over really early on, we chatted for two months before we even met up in person. It is an intense chemistry.. took me by surprise.. I wasn’t trying to seek out a partner at all and suddenly here it was, you know? But, we’re both in relationships (engaged or married) and we’re both unhappy in those, so in that way it made it easy for us to come together. 

 

Now, months later, we’ve gotten together a few times and were intimate. It definitely fills gaps in both of our lives but it’s hard still, we are chatting between times we’ve met and seeing each other a bit more often recently. 

As fun as it is, and explicitly without expectations of each other for commitment, it’s such a weird feeling. On one hand I’ve enjoyed the passion and I genuinely enjoy his company, while I realize it’s not “real life” and we’re getting the best pieces of one another in the short time we’re together. But, on the other hand, I’m like where is this even going? Not that I want to share my forever with this person, I wonder if a relationship like this can remain purely physical. Does it always end with someone becoming emotionally attached and getting hurt? 

[stillafool]

Which one of you is married and who is engaged?  

9 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

But, on the other hand, I’m like where is this even going? Not that I want to share my forever with this person, I wonder if a relationship like this can remain purely physical. Does it always end with someone becoming emotionally attached and getting hurt? 

Most likely you will be the one to fall in love and want more.  That is why you started this thread, it's already on your mind.  If he leaves his wife/fiance and you leave yours you can be together.  Most likely he will not want to leave her but will still see and have sex with you causing you a great deal of pain.  And, finally there will be a D-day and both of your worlds will blow up.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

Does it always end with someone becoming emotionally attached and getting hurt? 

Yes, your spouse or partner. Infidelity always ends with your spouse or partner being hurt because the person they have chosen to trust the most in the world has made the choice to betray that trust. That’s a painful realization for most people. And you seem oblivious to this fact, based on your first post.

I dare say, you are already emotionally involved with this man. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be asking the question. And, the question you are really asking here is - how much will I be hurt by this affair? Not if, or will I be hurt. How much will I be hurt? Which, is a telling question considering that you have made a decision that is causing pain to your chosen life partner. The pain of infidelity is inevitable for all those involved - whether by choice or not. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Lizza340 said:

I wonder if a relationship like this can remain purely physical.

To answer your question, unlikely. Very few people are able to have a long term relationship with someone with whom they are physically intimate without becoming emotionally attached to that person.

1 hour ago, Lizza340 said:

It’s hard still, we are chatting between times we’ve met and seeing each other a bit more often recently. 

I genuinely enjoy his company.

You are already attached. 

1 hour ago, Lizza340 said:

But, on the other hand, I’m like where is this even going?

You are already attached.

1 hour ago, Lizza340 said:

But, we’re both in relationships (engaged or married) and we’re both unhappy in those, so in that way it made it easy for us to come together. 

May I ask the obvious question, why the need to ‘fill the gap.’ If both are in unhappy relationships, why not end the relationships? 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Lizza340 said:

we chatted for two months before we even met up in person. I’ve enjoyed the passion and I genuinely enjoy his company I wonder if a relationship like this can remain purely physical. Does it always end with someone becoming emotionally attached and getting hurt? 

It is way beyond "just physical" already. Yes 4 people will ultimately get hurt. 

[mark clemson]

I think whether it's possible to remain "emotionally unattached" would depend a lot on the people involved, and perhaps the nature of their "intimacy". For example, if you are not naturally a FWB type of person, it's probably unlikely you'll avoid becoming emotionally attached.

Anyone with half a brain knows the risks they are taking when they have an affair. However, our brains seem to be good at getting us to ignore the risks (given how prevalent affairs seem to be). I would surmise this probably has a lot to do with the potential for broadening the gene pool (via kids with an additional partner for the people having the affair).

You are an adult and can make your own decisions. However, consider whether, as is being pointed out, the pain of "romantic loss" you are worried about might pale in comparison to the pain of (potentially) having your family break up IF you're caught.

Possible "outcomes" from discovery of an affair have a very wide spectrum. However there is probably a solid bulge in the distribution curve around the "distressing and painful reconciliation" and "distressing and painful divorce" points.

[Lizza340]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

May I ask the obvious question, why the need to ‘fill the gap.’ If both are in unhappy relationships, why not end the relationships? 

Thanks for your replies! I think, in response to this question, that is something that could be asked of anyone who is cheating, really… and you get the “it’s complicated” answer every time. I don’t want to make excuses at all, and to be completely honest, it makes me feel pretty guilty when it comes to both his partner and mine getting hurt because of choices we made apart from them. I don’t want to steal him away from his life or his partner. I don’t want to hurt her at all, either, and I don’t feel attached to him in the way that I’d want a committed relationship from him nor a future together… which, is why I wonder if this is even worth the potential hurt, and where does this even end up in a good situation? Ugh. I appreciate your thoughts, honestly I can’t believe I’m in this situation, and your posts help me think through this.

[Luna66star]

Longer affairs do NOT remain physical for the woman.  After a few sessions, a woman gets emotionally attached.  How can you not by sharing the warmth of your skin and juices with another?  It's human nature.  Happens with men too but some can easily turn to logic and begin compartmentalizing the situation.  Especially if they already have a partner.

Happened to me.  I'm a very independent gal by nature and figured I could handle it. No way.  I really became attached emotionally and could not extract myself at all.  MM started breadcrumbing after a few sessions in the sack.  I was his free prostitute. Period.  They back off when things are getting too chummy and you like them too much.  You can't hide this neediness, no matter how hard you try.  They don't want to be obligated to you.

After the honeymoon period is over, prepare to be expertly dumped, but not quite.  They don't want to upset you so much that you cause a problem and call their wife.

Please RUN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lizza340]

45 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

I think whether it's possible to remain "emotionally unattached" would depend a lot on the people involved, and perhaps the nature of their "intimacy". For example, if you are not naturally a FWB type of person, it's probably unlikely you'll avoid becoming emotionally attached.

Anyone with half a brain knows the risks they are taking when they have an affair. However, our brains seem to be good at getting us to ignore the risks (given how prevalent affairs seem to be). I would surmise this probably has a lot to do with the potential for broadening the gene pool (via kids with an additional partner for the people having the affair).

You are an adult and can make your own decisions. However, consider whether, as is being pointed out, the pain of "romantic loss" you are worried about might pale in comparison to the pain of (potentially) having your family break up IF you're caught.

Possible "outcomes" from discovery of an affair have a very wide spectrum. However there is probably a solid bulge in the distribution curve around the "distressing and painful reconciliation" and "distressing and painful divorce" points.

Thank you so much.. we’re both probably closer to the FWB types. I get concerned about either of us crossing the emotional line, and complicating things even more than they already are because of the physical relationship we’ve chosen to enter into. I’m not sure what he wants for his relationship, but I’ve chosen to leave mine (this was already in motion prior to meeting him and he has no bearing on it ending at all). My relationship became really emotionally abusive, and has been on a long decline… I don’t think that’s an excuse for doing this by any means, though, it does play into why I don’t worry so much about my partners feelings… but the cheating is still cheating. I don’t want the added damage from emotional attachment for any of us. 

[Lizza340]

1 minute ago, Luna66star said:

 

Happened to me.  I'm a very independent gal by nature and figured I could handle it. No way.  I really became attached emotionally and could not extract myself at all.  MM started breadcrumbing after a few sessions in the sack.  I was his free prostitute. Period.  They back off when things are getting too chummy and you like them too much.  You can't hide this neediness, no matter how hard you try.  They don't want to be obligated to you.

Ahh I’m so sorry this happened. Sounds incredibly painful. I don’t want that for either of us. I can see how it’s natural to get attached like that, and maybe the only way to avoid it is to get away now. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

My relationship became really emotionally abusive, and has been on a long decline…

Focus on finding an appropriate exit from this rather than using sex/affairs as a Band-Aid/pain killer.

While it may feel good for a while or for the time being, it will hit you like a tsunami when it's over (and it will be) because you not only will still be in a bad relationship but you'll add the pain of ending the affair and your diversion of choice will be gone.

Similar to getting drunk to avoid a problem. All that happens is you wake up sick/hungover and the problem is still there, just worse.

Treat the real issues.

Edited September 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

I don’t want to steal him away from his life or his partner. I don’t want to hurt her at all, either. which, is why I wonder if this is even worth the potential hurt

With kindness, I wonder at the word potential here. Potential hurt for you? Or for his spouse? Because, this statement is discongruous - there is a cognitive disconnect here. You are interfering in her marriage - that is a hurtful thing to do to another human being. There is nothing potentially hurtful about that at all. You passed that point a long time ago…

 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

My relationship became really emotionally abusive, and has been on a long decline…

Good that you have decided to leave your relationship. Do you recognize that you have chosen another complicated, emotionally unhealthy relationship for yourself? Early stages, so not that much damage has been done yet - you are still in the honeymoon phase. But, it’s a slippery slope. Not too late to disentangle yourself, get some counselling, and go in search of a healthier relationship - a healthier choice for yourself. There is not usually anything more than very short term happiness to be found with another woman’s husband. It is a slippery slope indeed. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[Lizza340]

Really, what I’m asking here is whether or not it’s possible for a physical affair to remain physical — without there feelings being a complicating factor in the relationships in question, and curious if there’s anyone who has any experience with an affair that’s predefined as a physical relationship only, without emotional obligation to one another. Or, if there is always an emotional involvement that complicates the affair from one side or another?

[stillafool]

It's much easier for men to be involved in affairs, FWBs, etc., without getting emotionally involved than it is for women.  I'm sure there are some women who can compartmentalize their emotions but those ladies don't come to LoveShack because they don't view it as a love problem.  The fact that you're even here asking pretty much says you'll have a problem with it.  The only way to know for sure about yourself is to try to keep your emotions in check and let us know how that's working for you.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're talking enthusiastically between sex--you guys do like each other.

It is already beyond the physical. Affairs almost always are more than physical. If you enjoy talking to the person--at all!!!--it's beyond physical.  You asking this question means it's beyond physical. 

It's interesting: but now that I think about it, even ongoing escort-prostitute relationships can go beyond the physical.  Doesn't mean it's logical, but people form all kinds of ties through sex. And to back up, people often want to have sex because yes, they're attracted, but part of being attracted is liking the person.  Liking the person means over time you can like them more, means you care what happens to them. You share more and more of yourself as you continue to meet--thus the bond deepens.  

If this guy were to get hurt in a major car accident tomorrow, you would be affected--emotionally. And vice versa.

This gets even weirder. Sometimes one or both people throw up walls to block emotional connection. That throwing up of a wall is itself only necessary because there is affection. 

Sorry sister, you're already beyond the physical. 

 

 

[S2B]

Since you’re both in unhappy relationships - why haven’t those ended?

 

[BaileyB]

It’s human nature to form an attachment when intimately connecting with another - whether that be through conversation, spending time together, sharing new experiences together, offering emotional support, or having sex. Be it a new dating relationship or an extramarital affair, one can not generally avoid forming an attachment when engaging in activities that create connection. 

[Lizza340]

55 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since you’re both in unhappy relationships - why haven’t those ended?

 

For me, it is ending. It got to the point of needing outside help nearly two years ago; he refused to go to counseling so I’ve been going alone. I’ve been the only one working to fix it and now it’s too late to repair, however it has taken some time to get myself into a position to leave, which isn’t still in planning stages and has been set in motion.

For him, I don’t know much aside from fighting/turmoil that leads to him being unhappy in his partnership. It isn’t something we have discussed in depth and I don’t know why he isn’t ending it, but I feel it isn’t any of my business to ask.

[Lizza340]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s human nature to form an attachment when intimately connecting with another - whether that be through conversation, spending time together, sharing new experiences together, offering emotional support, or having sex. Be it a new dating relationship or an extramarital affair, one can not generally avoid forming an attachment when engaging in activities that create connection. 

I can totally see that. Maybe I’m being dense, but I thought maybe that I’m so closed off emotionally because of previous pain that I wouldn’t fall for someone. I don’t feel emotionally invested, at least not now. I don’t want to become attached and I hope he doesn’t either. Others have pointed out some indicators of attachment that I didn’t notice before, though… which is concerning.

[BaileyB]

32 minutes ago, Lizza340 said:

Maybe I’m being dense, but I thought maybe that I’m so closed off emotionally because of previous pain that I wouldn’t fall for someone.

Or it could be that you are actually more vulnerable to doing exactly that right now.

If you are feeling emotionally closed off right now, isn’t that your sign that you need to take some time to heal? I mean, why not put the shingle out that says “I’m done. Taking some time for myself, to find my own joy and happiness again…”

With kindness, you are precariously close to moving from one very unhealthy relationship to another. I would just hate for you to look back someday at this moment in time and say, “I wish I had taken a moment to pause.” 

If it’s sex that you want, there are plenty of men out there who would be more than willing to have sex with you. Again, the fact that this one is special and you are drawn to/want this particular unavailable man tells you that this is more than just physical…

[S2B]

It’s hard for me to imagine why it takes that long to separate yourself/your life from your husband or fiancé…I’m unsure which he is. I ended my union after 27 years - it didn’t take but a hot minute for me to tell him he wasn’t welcome home any longer.

as far as your other man - yes people end up disappointed. Be sure you don’t expect him to leave his primary relationship - mainly because they rarely leave. It’s much easier to have his primary relationship AND another woman on the side. It fulfills HIS needs if you continue being his OW.

the faster you get out of YOUR marriage/fiancé relationship = the faster you can begin to build a NEW future - one you take charge of and one where you make decisions that are in your best interest.

being his OW is rarely going to bring you happiness. Go to the OM/OW section and you’ll see. Some OW stay in this position for decades. 

[S2B]

Why haven’t you asked him what he plans to do about his marriage?

IF you two were as close as you say - I would think it would have been discussed.

since it hasn’t been discussed = you have no idea who this man really is. Be cautious.

ask him! Start pressuring him - you’ll have your answer. Likely he will push you away so you expect less.

IF you can’t tell him how you feel - and what you expect - there is NO relationship here. 
 

the other thought - you both will hurt several other people. That’s a given. Affairs cause harm.

have you told your husband you are leaving the relationship?

Edited September 20, 2022 by S2B

[Starswillshine]

So somewhere out there is a person planning a wedding while his/her partner is getting his/her rocks off with someone else? Wow, that's quite cruel. Pretty easy to just break off and engagement. I feel for the person who is planning their forever without all the details. People can be such jerks. 

[PinkFriday]

11 hours ago, Luna66star said:

Longer affairs do NOT remain physical for the woman.  After a few sessions, a woman gets emotionally attached.  How can you not by sharing the warmth of your skin and juices with another?  It's human nature.  Happens with men too but some can easily turn to logic and begin compartmentalizing the situation.  Especially if they already have a partner.

Happened to me.  I'm a very independent gal by nature and figured I could handle it. No way.  I really became attached emotionally and could not extract myself at all.  MM started breadcrumbing after a few sessions in the sack.  I was his free prostitute. Period.  They back off when things are getting too chummy and you like them too much.  You can't hide this neediness, no matter how hard you try.  They don't want to be obligated to you.

After the honeymoon period is over, prepare to be expertly dumped, but not quite.  They don't want to upset you so much that you cause a problem and call their wife.

Please RUN.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Luna66star, your words hit close to home. When I experienced intense sexual chemistry with him, I told myself I would not want to marry him even if he were to divorce his wife. And here I am 3 months later, becoming slave to my feelings and ended up here. Would you mind sharing some examples of him breadcrumbing you? For me (apology) I feel like he's my free gigolo instead. I really want to run because I am afraid more of losing myself.