Friend of 25 years met a new person and discarded me like a rotten potato - Is it normal

[Jamaica0007]

I had an ex friend who I was married to a very long time ago but then it transitioned to a friendship for the last 9 years.

We contact regularly although I am over the other side of the country. About 8 months ago, I sent a pretty innocent message & in return got a very aggressive telling me to never send her anything like that again. It was completely innocent.

Without getting into to much detail, I find out via an email a few days later that she had met someone. I was really happy for her initially until I realised that the slightly less aggressive email sent informing me of this was actually her full stop as far as me having anything further to do with her.

She had been seeing him for a year & unbeknown to me my contact with her became a cause of resentment and anger at having to deal with me. This was because she told me that for the last 6 months she had modified the way she was messaging me so that in her words, our contact "would come to a natural conclusion"

She made a big deal out of the reason she did not tell me for a year was completely in my best interest due to some tough times I had being going through which I would have less issue believing if for at least half of that she was engaging in a premeditated and ongoing effort to destabilise my mental health to a point that I stopped contacting her. I am left trying to work out if she truly does not understand how much betrayal something like that creates or she knows and does not care.

I then tried to move on however with the suddenness of it all and the raw pain, I started emailing her and over the course of the week I had noticed that I had sent 8 quite lengthy emails admittedly dragging up irrelevant past issues of which I later apologised for doing. The thing is that instead of empathising with the pain I was in, she first ignored all correspondence and then immediately seized on the number of emails sent and told me I was being unhinged and too the opportunity to blame me for the entire episode. 

So there I am a friend of 25 years or so & within a very short period, I am aware that she would appreciate it if I no longer interrupted her life with my out of control and unstable antics.

The part that has left me devastated is the cruel and uncaring way it was done, not even a phone call of support or a single message that showed understanding. It was made clear to me that not only was my presence in her life of no value, it had now got to the point where any contact negatively impacted on her happiness.

She was a good friend other than this and I cannot not comprehend how she cannot see the pain caused because of the way in which she carried this out. She lied to make it look like she was helping me, and acted as if any interaction with me was a problem for which I was responsible for.

Nothing prior to this was an issue and we got along really well, I just do not understand how a close friend that I completely trusted could be so cruel and while I was going through that, magnify the pain by making it clear it was my fault and never showing she regretted anything she did. The person I thought she was would never do this to anyone let alone a person close to her so I am left confused as to if my anger at what she did is reasonable or if this is to be expected when your ability to be of use to someone ends.

I could never do this to another human being & I just cannot get my head around the behaviour. I know I have to just move on and get on with life but it is hard not to be bitter at someone that caused such a massive amount of damage while at the same time indicating she never gave what she did a second thought.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jamaica0007 said:

I had an ex friend who I was married to a very long time ago but then it transitioned to a friendship for the last 9 years..

To clarify. You two were married to each other in the past?

Is there a reason you decided to stay close friends after the divorce if I'm reading this correctly?

[Jamaica0007]

31 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

To clarify. You two were married to each other in the past?

Is there a reason you decided to stay close friends after the divorce if I'm reading this correctly?

Yes we were romantic for about 17 years and the last 8 or so were friends, honestly I really liked her before we got married then it was like invasion of the body snatchers and then after we divorced I found I developed a respect and bond with her that I assumed was both ways but guessing I assumed too much.

Some parts were nothing to do with her, I had something that happened to me where all my friends that I had were no longer around, my dad sort of went a bit weird and wanted nothing to do with me so the only two people in my life were my mum who was local and my ex who was half way across the country.

I cannot dismiss the impact my circumstances had on the effect her telling me I was now no longer a part of her life. I definitely used her as a crutch and probably relied on that to boost self esteem during a rough patch.

It was the brutal way I suppose the cut was done and that I meant so little that hiding the fact she now thought I was an irritation to her and the sudden realistation of this was pretty hard.
I suppose I put myself in her place and I try and see why she did it in the way she did and all I keep coming back to is she took a year to come to terms with me no longer being relevant to her and kept it quiet from me and then expected me to take one day and then accept that and never contact her again.

Hard not to be hurt. Also the way it was done ensured the complete destruction of any goodwill built up and that no matter what the future brings, the trust and how I view her means no matter what, we will never speak or see each other again and that is also a hard thing to accept.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Jamaica0007 said:

Yes we were romantic for about 17 years and the last 8 or so were friends, honestly I really liked her before we got married 

It may be best to delete and block her. There's no need to stay friends after the divorce if there's no children.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry you're hurting.  

It sounds like the relationship got too much for her to manage. And there's also a possibility that her new partner didn't want an old partner hanging around in frequent contact - it's certainly not an unusual outcome for people who are friends but have a romantic history.  You don't say what was in the last email you sent, but it clearly struck a nerve with her.  What did she react to so strongly to?

I know that there's nothing that can be done about it now, but how do you wish she'd handled all of this?  And was she right about her concern that ending the friendship earlier would have been harmful to your mental health?  

 

[stillafool]

I agree that her new partner is not comfortable at all with her still being friends with her ex husband.  Very few people, if any, would be especially since you don't have a wife or gf of your own and are depending on her for emotional support.  I think she felt she had to do this in a cold manner to make sure the message got through to you that she's no longer your emotional support person.  Have you been dating anyone?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, it's normal for a woman to cease contact with her ex-husband when she starts a new relationship. 

You are presenting this as if you two were just friends who happened to be married. But that's not exactly accurate, is it? You were married and romantically involved for a long time. It is not healthy for you to have been this emotionally-dependent on her, OP, even years after your divorce. You are making her responsible for your pain, without taking much accountability for your own conduct: 

On 9/8/2022 at 6:22 AM, Jamaica0007 said:

I had sent 8 quite lengthy emails admittedly dragging up irrelevant past issues

 

On 9/8/2022 at 6:22 AM, Jamaica0007 said:

I am aware that she would appreciate it if I no longer interrupted her life with my out of control and unstable antics.

This is why she cut you off abruptly. It appears you over-step boundaries and are not in control of your emotions. It is not her repsonsibility to soothe you or support you through this, Jamaica. Your expectations of her are unrealistic. 

I am sorry you're hurting. But you need to come to terms with reality that this relationship has ended and you must let her go. Perhaps seek out some good therapy to help you deal with your lingering resentment and anger and sadness. Find some healthier coping mechanisms and work on rebuilding your own life. She is in your past, not your present or future. 

[S2B]

Maybe if you aren’t friends with her anymore - it will leave room for a new gal to become interested in.

[Jamaica0007]

On 9/9/2022 at 2:49 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it's normal for a woman to cease contact with her ex-husband when she starts a new relationship. 

You are presenting this as if you two were just friends who happened to be married. But that's not exactly accurate, is it? You were married and romantically involved for a long time. It is not healthy for you to have been this emotionally-dependent on her, OP, even years after your divorce. You are making her responsible for your pain, without taking much accountability for your own conduct: 

 

This is why she cut you off abruptly. It appears you over-step boundaries and are not in control of your emotions. It is not her repsonsibility to soothe you or support you through this, Jamaica. Your expectations of her are unrealistic. 

I am sorry you're hurting. But you need to come to terms with reality that this relationship has ended and you must let her go. Perhaps seek out some good therapy to help you deal with your lingering resentment and anger and sadness. Find some healthier coping mechanisms and work on rebuilding your own life. She is in your past, not your present or future. 

I put that in there to be honest about things and show what I did was not perfect however what has caused me to be so upset about things was the way in which it was done. 25 years in each others lives to a point I trusted that she would do the right thing even if circumstances changed and I was of no further use in her life.

Now I expected her to meet someone years ago and always understood that we would have to end being in each others lives at that point. If I was the guy in her life I would feel the same way. There was no romantic feelings either way since we broke up and I moved to the other side of a big country. I feel that I have a reasonable grasp on these sort of realities.

During our friendship we have both been great friends to each other. I distinctly remember a phone call where she had a go at me for something & I finished the call feeling a bit sad that I would probably never speak with her again. After that time, she visited me twice & a very close friendship developed and I would admit that the bond would have been stronger due to the amount of shared experiences over the years. 

There are times where she was going overseas on a holiday and asked me to look after her house 3 hours flight from where I live & which I  did & unfortunately during that time my dad ended up needing to have a life threatening operation & they needed me to look after their place at the same time. Because of the loyalty I felt towards this woman, I said I cannot  help my parents & to the decisions I made, to this day my sister no longer speaks to me or my parents and it was all to do with me not breaking a promise and that was 4 years ago.

So you may dismiss that level of loyalty and say nobody owes anyone anything but I think that is a cop out. To find out that she had been seeing this guy for over a year without me knowing which I have made it clear that part of her life is something I do not need to know about, but she knew for a year and gave me 1 day before ignoring me. If she had have told me 11 months in and given me a month, do you know how much suffering I would not have done if she just did that one thing?

The other thing was for 6 months she intentionally messed around with replies to me in an attempt for me to work out for myself not to contact her anymore, that may be a normal thing these days but when I think about the pre meditation required to do that, it blows my mind. How much of a chump do you think I felt like finding out that for 6 months, every message I was sending to my best friend was actually being analysed so that the reply would create just the right negative emotion so that the cummulative pain would help me come to a decision she wanted me to. Why would you not just tell me? 

My question to you is if you had a life long friend who made serious sacrifices to help you out of a jam in the past, would you think that because something in your life changed, maybe your wife did not like him or something, do you think it is appropriate to eliminate them from your life with zero warning? Because I look at that and I just think a decision like that lacks integrity.

The reason for that is because in this instance if she had sacrificed 30 mins of her time to perhaps call me and explain things and even pretend that she empathised with what was happening then it would have avoided me feeling a significant amount of pain. I reverse things and put myself in her position, there is no scenario that I can think of where I would do that to someone that I considered a friend. 

Maybe its just me but I do have expectations that people I have close friendships with will treat me with dignity and kindness even if the time comes where I am of no further value to them. I would never treat anyone the way I have been treated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jamaica0007 said:

There is no scenario that I can think of where I would do that to someone that I considered a friend. 

The thing that comes to mind is that her own life comes first. As it should be. You can expand your life to have many friends and start dating again.

Edited September 19, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Jamaica0007]

On 9/9/2022 at 5:00 PM, S2B said:

Maybe if you aren’t friends with her anymore - it will leave room for a new gal to become interested in.

Its weird, I have been single now 9 years & the more that time goes by, the more I like being on my own. I would not discount meeting someone else however their value as a romantic partner is likely to exceed what I am able to attract. She was legitimately just a friend but maybe I put too much value onto what is considered a friend. 

As far as meeting someone else, I mean I have spent plenty of time speaking to the young ladies about the place and for some reason they just do not subscribe to the age is just a number ethos and appear slightly uncomfortable in my presence:) I need to highlight that this is even after offering a night watching Top Gun (the original) Not sure what the hell is wrong with them to be honest.

I think that when it comes down to it, being single or in a relationship, the advantages and disadvantages when all added up come out about even.

Edited September 19, 2022 by Jamaica0007
thought of something else

[Jamaica0007]

18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

The thing that comes to mind is that her own life comes first. As it should be. You can expand your life to have many friends and start dating again.

I can understand that in one sense but have you ever had a relationship with someone that was of the highest level where you thought without question, whatever happened, they would treat you with a basic level of kindness?

She had been going out with him for 12 months and gave me 1 day before discarding me. Was part of not telling me for 12 months to do with perhaps insulating herself from feeling any emotion for the way she treated me?

She allowed herself all that time to get used the fact I no longer mattered in her life and she could not even give me a couple weeks, it had to be done in 1 day.
It was the speed and immediate ghosting that caused all the damage, not the actual news itself.

I do agree with you I need to work on getting my social life back and I am moving back to where I was 2 years ago. Right now I am in the jungle without a car and do not see anyone for weeks at a time. It has given me an insight as to why isolation is used as a punishment. You  can get a negative thought in your head and then there is nothing to stop it cycling through all day.

My main goal is to get back to civilisation, buy myself a table tennis table, get some housemates ensuring that playing table tennis at least 5 times a week will be part of the agreement. I do not feel a need to be looking for a relationship & I do not know if I ever will, not anything serious anyway. 

Edited September 19, 2022 by Jamaica0007
thought of something else

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, Jamaica0007 said:

would you think that because something in your life changed, maybe your wife did not like him or something, do you think it is appropriate to eliminate them from your life with zero warning?

I'm a woman, for what it's worth. And now to your question....Given the context and the fact that you also did this? 

On 9/8/2022 at 6:22 AM, Jamaica0007 said:

I started emailing her and over the course of the week I had noticed that I had sent 8 quite lengthy emails admittedly dragging up irrelevant past issues

Yes, I think ending all communication abruptly was appropriate. 

It's time to focus on you and not on her. 

[Jamaica0007]

On 9/9/2022 at 12:04 AM, stillafool said:

I agree that her new partner is not comfortable at all with her still being friends with her ex husband.  Very few people, if any, would be especially since you don't have a wife or gf of your own and are depending on her for emotional support.  I think she felt she had to do this in a cold manner to make sure the message got through to you that she's no longer your emotional support person.  Have you been dating anyone?

Not seriously however she was the one that came to me after I moved away from her to be friends and up to this point she was someone I held in high regard.

I do not agree she had to behave this way towards me. Had she asked me and given me more than 1 days notice then I would have bent over backwards to ensure that I withdrew from her life in a dignified manner. I have a 9 year history as a friend that is loyal and has never let her down, why would she need to treat me in such a cruel way when I have never given any indication that I would not let her down?

The thing was is by treating me in such a awful way, my reaction was the complete opposite of what she would have wanted. She was going out with this guy for 12 months & had all that time to get used to the fact I was of no longer any importance meanwhile I am there like a moron thinking she is just as important as at any other time during our friendship & then wham, 1 day and discarded. It was the way it was done that hurt & ultimately I thought she was better than that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ulimately, it doesn't serve much purpose to agonize over the way you feel she should have handled this. 

What's done is done, and cannot be changed. All you can do now is concentrate on finally letting go and moving forward without her in your life. Make this your journey towards healing rather than a negative spiral of what-ifs that can't be changed. 

[Jamaica0007]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm a woman, for what it's worth. And now to your question....Given the context and the fact that you also did this? 

Yes, I think ending all communication abruptly was appropriate. 

It's time to focus on you and not on her. 

So you think as a woman, you would rather stop communication abruptly instead of doing the right thing by a person? Just because they were of no further value to you?
I do not get that way of thinking and never will. The comments defending such dreadful behaviour are alien to me. If the roles were reversed and I saw a friend suffering say due to a bunch of emails coming through then I would empathise with them, make a phone call, explain the situation and make sure I did what was in my power to ensure their well being was taken care of.

Now if after that she continued to contact me, different story and I would be much more firm however yet continue to demonstrate that she mattered. I was not given that chance.

She was seeing him for 12 months and gave me 1 day to find out before ignoring me. 12 months so that she got used to me not meaning anything to her. Do you not think there is a level of premeditation there that is a little bit selfish? 

You can look at the number of emails I sent & what I will say is the day she told me, I did not contact her again for at least a week thinking that she would at least contact me and discuss things, it was not until I realised that the email she sent was her way of saying to never contact her again. So yes over the next week I sent a bunch of emails that went unresponded.

When I looked at that, even I thought, this just makes me look bad however, that was in response to being treated badly. If she had been decent and treated me with dignity and kindness, do you think I would have sent any emails? Of course not so its not all on me.

When someone discards another person from their life without warning while they have been aware of it for a long time then it is a very painful experience and I am not going to apologise for the fact she mattered to me enough that I was hurt by that treatment.

There is actually a name for the way she treated me & let me say it was unnecessarily painful and part of that pain was being made to look like a desperate muppet. If she had have just told me and treated me normally for a few weeks, I would not be writing any of this.

If she had shown even the smallest amount of empathy and given me a couple weeks, I would have done the right thing. She removed the chance for me to demonstrate how good a friend I was and instead her actions really hurt me.

Edited September 20, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Removed links

[Jamaica0007]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ulimately, it doesn't serve much purpose to agonize over the way you feel she should have handled this. 

What's done is done, and cannot be changed. All you can do now is concentrate on finally letting go and moving forward without her in your life. Make this your journey towards healing rather than a negative spiral of what-ifs that can't be changed. 

Easier said than done:) I agree with you 100% 

Writing about it here is probably one of the things that is helping me come to terms with things. It was just the abruptness that caused a level of betrayal I have never experienced. A lot of it comes down to the last 2 years have been my lowest ever & so in all honesty that is not on her.

[Jamaica0007]

Thanks for all the responses & they have given me some things to think about. In relation to the question I originally put, I think the answer is yes, it is quite common for people to discard others from their lives once they are of no further value to them.

I am going to go ahead and say that my view on that is the opposite to pretty much everyone elses here. I think if you consider someone in your life a true friend and there comes a point in your life where they can no longer be part of it. If they have been loyal and there for you then you do owe it to them to do whatever you can to ensure your actions do not cause unnecessary pain.

If the effort required by you is insignificant then even though they may no longer matter, you should still treat them like they do and not as if they are a problem to be managed even though that is the reality.

Also give the person a bit of time to get used to things, time matters especially. If you have allowed yourself the luxury of heaps of time to get used to eliminating someone from your life & then give that person no notice, that is a pretty low act.

This is my last response as I am mindful I am starting to think about it too much again and it is neither healthy or productive and just to reinforce, even though I did not agree with a lot of the replies, does not mean I did not appreciate them.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Jamaica0007 said:

She had been going out with him for 12 months

Then she needs to focus on him/her new life and you as well need to focus on making friends, joining groups and clubs, volunteering, perhaps a fun side hustle, taking some classes and courses. You'll meet people, make friends and when you've finally severed this unhealthy attachment to this ex, you can start dating again.

[mark clemson]

She probably considers you of enough "significance" that she may feel you're a potential threat to her new relationship. So she is focused on that.

I agree that people should try to be nice about cutting contact (when that's necessary) with a LT friend.

It sounds like perhaps in her mind she DID "do the right thing"/let you down easy/slow fade, etc. So as to reduce the emotional impact on you. She did that, but now you still want more than she is willing to give (which is any contact at all) due to it being e.g. potentially something her new BF could misinterpret, etc. She tried the "nice" way, it didn't work, so now she ripping off the band aid instead.

It's unfortunate, but I suspect this is her viewpoint. At any rate, the best thing to do is respect her decision and move on with your life. Although one can't replace a multi-decade friend, one CAN look for other friends, e.g. through shared interests.

[Stret]

Sorry that you feel betrayed and abandoned. It certainly sucks. Is there a way you can look at this as a new beginning for you? 

Please look up and research enmeshed relationships. You two had one of those. It is unhealthy for various reasons. 

I did not start a relationship with someone a couple of years ago because he had enmeshed relationships with several of his female friends. I wrote about it here back then and maybe you can see a perspective of a partner of your ex friend. 

 

 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I've never seen a relationship transition from romance to friendship without a period of a no-contact.

I'm close to several of my exes, but we had breaks between dating and friendship, sometimes long long breaks of a decade or more. 

You did a disservice to yourself to cling to friendship after the breakup. Things are just too entangled to transition from romance to friendship without a sharp break There is a big difference between how we talk to a love partner and how we talk to a close friend. Big difference.

If you are really friends, you can talk to your ex about their dating life (even hints of their sex life) without it being uncomfortable. There is no jealousy.  In other words, she could tell you about dating and also about lusting, maybe at some random person she saw on the street. That's what friends can do. 

Your ex is right to prioritize herself and her current love interests. Since you didn't develop other friends, your relationship with your ex was bound to collapse because once she began seriously dating, she simply wouldn't have the same relationship with you. 

[Acacia98]

20 hours ago, Jamaica0007 said:

There are times where she was going overseas on a holiday and asked me to look after her house 3 hours flight from where I live & which I  did & unfortunately during that time my dad ended up needing to have a life threatening operation & they needed me to look after their place at the same time. Because of the loyalty I felt towards this woman, I said I cannot  help my parents & to the decisions I made, to this day my sister no longer speaks to me or my parents and it was all to do with me not breaking a promise and that was 4 years ago.

It's unfortunate that your efforts to stand by your promise to your ex ended up costing you your relationship with your family. I'm not sure what the history is with your family. But I want to say that if you had a normal loving relationship with your family, it would have been perfectly acceptable for you to cancel your agreement with your ex and to go help your family. In my list of priorities, life-threatening surgery ranks higher than going on vacation. Moreover, to me, family comes before friends, especially under such circumstances. And your friend should have released you from your agreement (in my opinion) if she was a true friend and understood what was happening to your father.

So, to cut a long story short, I think you sacrificed too much for your ex. I can see why you feel bitter that, on her side of things, the friendship didn't even merit honesty with you about her being in a new relationship and wanting to pull away.

I've never been in your situation. But I was once in a romantic relationship with someone who decided somewhere along the way that he wanted out. I sensed he was pulling away and tried to have a conversation with him about it. I even made it clear that if he wanted to end things, I would be sad but I would respect his decision. But he went into this elaborate song and dance about how he didn't want things to end between us but recognized he wasn't a great communicator and wanted a chance to fix things. Foolishly, perhaps, I believed him. I agreed to give him time to address things. And as soon as I agreed, he started playing this cat and mouse game, avoiding me for a while then actually ghosting me. That was how he ended the relationship. It's not the same situation as yours. But, like your situation, it involves someone not being honest about their intentions while continuing to benefit from the other's affection and investment. It also involves someone doing things in a convoluted way that rubbishes the relationship instead of going about things in a kinder and more straightforward way. Moreover, it involves me losing some of my dignity because the guy denied me the information that would have allowed me to accept the sad news with grace and move on. I remember acting like a fool, trying to fix things with him before ultimately realizing that he had moved on.

Because of these parallels, I can see why someone in your shoes might feel betrayed and hurt and why you might feel her actions render whatever you shared in the past meaningless.

I must say, though, that I think your friendship with her was unhealthy. Hard as it is to accept that it ended and how it ended, it  is important for you to take the time to mourn the relationship and truly accept that it is over. Writing seems to be helping you with that. So please continue to do so. And also, take the time to learn what healthy relationships entail and the ways in which this particular relationship was unhealthy. That way, you can learn how to build healthier relationships and friendships going forward. 

[Jamaica0007]

33 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

It's unfortunate that your efforts to stand by your promise to your ex ended up costing you your relationship with your family. I'm not sure what the history is with your family. But I want to say that if you had a normal loving relationship with your family, it would have been perfectly acceptable for you to cancel your agreement with your ex and to go help your family. In my list of priorities, life-threatening surgery ranks higher than going on vacation. Moreover, to me, family comes before friends, especially under such circumstances. And your friend should have released you from your agreement (in my opinion) if she was a true friend and understood what was happening to your father.

So, to cut a long story short, I think you sacrificed too much for your ex. I can see why you feel bitter that, on her side of things, the friendship didn't even merit honesty with you about her being in a new relationship and wanting to pull away.

I've never been in your situation. But I was once in a romantic relationship with someone who decided somewhere along the way that he wanted out. I sensed he was pulling away and tried to have a conversation with him about it. I even made it clear that if he wanted to end things, I would be sad but I would respect his decision. But he went into this elaborate song and dance about how he didn't want things to end between us but recognized he wasn't a great communicator and wanted a chance to fix things. Foolishly, perhaps, I believed him. I agreed to give him time to address things. And as soon as I agreed, he started playing this cat and mouse game, avoiding me for a while then actually ghosting me. That was how he ended the relationship. It's not the same situation as yours. But, like your situation, it involves someone not being honest about their intentions while continuing to benefit from the other's affection and investment. It also involves someone doing things in a convoluted way that rubbishes the relationship instead of going about things in a kinder and more straightforward way. Moreover, it involves me losing some of my dignity because the guy denied me the information that would have allowed me to accept the sad news with grace and move on. I remember acting like a fool, trying to fix things with him before ultimately realizing that he had moved on.

Because of these parallels, I can see why someone in your shoes might feel betrayed and hurt and why you might feel her actions render whatever you shared in the past meaningless.

I must say, though, that I think your friendship with her was unhealthy. Hard as it is to accept that it ended and how it ended, it  is important for you to take the time to mourn the relationship and truly accept that it is over. Writing seems to be helping you with that. So please continue to do so. And also, take the time to learn what healthy relationships entail and the ways in which this particular relationship was unhealthy. That way, you can learn how to build healthier relationships and friendships going forward. 

The reason I did it was she had asked me a long time in advance to do this for her and I had agreed, I did not have a label on her as "ex" she was family as far as I was concerned.

If my dad had have asked first then and she had have asked me after then I would have turned her down. To me it is more about keeping your word with someone.

Someone mentioned above about my motivations for not wanting to know about her private life, I said that to her because she is a private person and wanted to make her feel comfortable, not because it would have hurt me to hear details of her sex life and such. In actual fact I have asked her for advice in the past with women I was interested in and it was no issue.

For me what it boils down to is I trusted this person to treat me kindly at all times even if the time came where the reality was, I no longer mattered to her.
I think people are getting hung up on the fact she was my ex and perhaps now I have gone through this, maybe she was always going to treat me differently at some point.

I just do not understand how the fact we were in a relationship a decade ago has any impact on treating someone with dignity and kindness. I can think of one other person in my life who happens to be male that if he did this to me, it would hurt the exact same amount. 

Also just to clarify, I have a good relationship with my parents, it is my sister that is estranged from all of us and it all started when I made the decision to do what someone asked me to do after promising they could rely on me. I am coming to terms with the way I was treated and it will be OK. I still would not treat another person the way I was treated.

I had actually stopped contact with her after we broke up and I moved across the country. The re initiated contact with me and I saw no harm in it as I was 100% over her, then she actually came on a cruise that stopped where I lived and came for a week one Christmas too.

If I knew then what I knew now, sure I would not have had her in my life after breaking up but it has nothing to do with her being my ex, it is to do with how she treated me the moment I no longer had any value to her.

[Jamaica0007]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I've never seen a relationship transition from romance to friendship without a period of a no-contact.

I'm close to several of my exes, but we had breaks between dating and friendship, sometimes long long breaks of a decade or more. 

You did a disservice to yourself to cling to friendship after the breakup. Things are just too entangled to transition from romance to friendship without a sharp break There is a big difference between how we talk to a love partner and how we talk to a close friend. Big difference.

If you are really friends, you can talk to your ex about their dating life (even hints of their sex life) without it being uncomfortable. There is no jealousy.  In other words, she could tell you about dating and also about lusting, maybe at some random person she saw on the street. That's what friends can do. 

Your ex is right to prioritize herself and her current love interests. Since you didn't develop other friends, your relationship with your ex was bound to collapse because once she began seriously dating, she simply wouldn't have the same relationship with you. 

There was a period of 6 months where after we had a slight argument on the phone and I thought she was still treating me like we were in a relationship, I hung up and never expected to hear from her again. She was the one who initiated contact which sort of shocked me to be honest and then visited me several times so the word clinging is probably not appropriate here.
I will concede that because I am presently in a trough with my life, it has had a bigger impact than it otherwise would have & that is something I have to address.

I only said she does not need to tell me anything because she is a private person and I was ensuring I made here comfortable. I could not care less if she was telling me about her sexual escapades from a envy standpoint, she never did though. However I have asked her advice a number of times with women I have been involved with and that seemed no issue but I would have never told her about any sexual things because I don't consider it appropriate but then I would not do that with a female friend that is not my ex either.

I have no issue with priorities, of course she does but that does not mean you treat another person like crap because they no longer hold value to you. I just do not get why everyone is trying to tell me I am upset because of a bunch of reasons that just are not correct. I am upset because I was treated badly at the end.

That has zero to do with her being my ex from my point of view. Any person that I view at the highest level of trust (at 49 apart from parents that is maybe 5 people over that time) They have the ability to really cause pain if their actions are either intentional or in this case because I no longer mattered, putting any effort into doing the right thing was too much.
That is if it is a man or a woman.