zouz71 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 Boy, that's a reach and a half, nothing the OP has posted supports that contention. For all you know, she could be swinging from the rafters in an attempt to keep his interest. Stick to the facts... Mr. Lucky agree with you Mr lucky , i am pushing beyond facts stated , I am trying to find anything logically that is pushing her to accept all the BS her husband did ... The story is still missing a lot ... Best Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 26, 2018 Share Posted November 26, 2018 No I guess most women would not like any of that but I do believe some women when faced with a cheating and hooking up spouse do a cost benefit analysis and then decide if it is worth divorcing and splitting up their family, wealth and assets over some short term affair or a few hook ups and to some it is better to stick with the marriage. (Some have little choice as they and their kids would be in dire straits if they were ever to divorce...) Why an emotional involvement is seen as "worse" is because he may actually then leave or instigate the divorce himself and that would be a disaster for such women... So it is not that an EA by itself is seen as "worse" than a PA, it it the implications of the EA that can be worse. if this true she is a life saver for her children. OP, any feedback ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 I truly feel there’s nothing else I can do from a sexual, emotional perspective. I’m staying because our children need a steady home and environment. Like I said, he is a good father. He hasn’t reached out to the woman and she hasn’t reached out to him. Since their last communication where she said they would talk tomorrow, which would have been a week ago. And the person who mentioned that what bothers me about this LTA is what could come from it - my home being broken - is correct. It appears that every day they go without talking, the more hope I have that he was just horny that night and reached out to her just because. I don’t know that she’s the one holding all the cards, as previously said in one of the posts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 He wants her because they have a connection and she won’t sleep with him. He likes the chase. Since you’re willing to tolerate his cheating, then I’d suggest that you stop snooping into his activities. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) Since you’re willing to tolerate his cheating, then I’d suggest that you stop snooping into his activities. Agreed. Besides, you may think that you know what’s going on, but I doubt that you have the whole story. They could have a standing coffee date every Thursday afternoon and you would never know. If there is one thing that a cheater is good at - it’s lying. This situation makes me sad. A good father would not be so careless with the well-being and stability of his family. You fool yourself if you believe that this kind of behavior is acceptable, or that your children will not learn the truth someday and lose respect for both of their parents. That’s all I will say, because you seem to have accepted this as your fate. Edited November 27, 2018 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 What concerns me is the ongoing threat to your health. How do you know your husband practises safe sex with his NSA hook ups and with during his oral sex with this particular OW. Not to pry but you do insist on a condom for your own sex life? Do you see your doctor for regular STI checks? You must realise you have to be proactive in this regard. What will you do if the prearranged contact happens? Do you think you are ready to make the hard decisions? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 He wants her because they have a connection and she won’t sleep with him. He likes the chase. Since you’re willing to tolerate his cheating, then I’d suggest that you stop snooping into his activities. I agree with this. If you have decided to stay for the kids and no matter what then accept that he's into her and stop the snooping. It's going to happen anyway but your snooping will just keep you upset. Ignorance is bliss here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I get that the snooping and finding out some details is like continually ripping off bits of the plaster, but leaving it be would be just as bad, forever "wondering" what was actually going on. edith does however IMO need to keep an eye as it is her family that may be at risk here, she cant just go lalala with her fingers in her ears and ignore totally as she needs to assess if this "EA" is escalating, so she is prepared for what could essentially be the end of her marriage. Then again instead of passively "waiting" she could just say enough is enough, and pull the plug when it suits her instead. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 I get that the snooping and finding out some details is like continually ripping off bits of the plaster, but leaving it be would be just as bad, forever "wondering" what was actually going on. edith does however IMO need to keep an eye as it is her family that may be at risk here, she cant just go lalala with her fingers in her ears and ignore totally as she needs to assess if this "EA" is escalating, so she is prepared for what could essentially be the end of her marriage. Then again instead of passively "waiting" she could just say enough is enough, and pull the plug when it suits her instead. A. Her husband has no respect for her and her insisting that he stop would just be a joke to him. B. She ignores the fact that he cheats constantly with a slew of other women and that he could transmit a disease to either her, their children, or both. If she can ignore that very real danger, then why the heck focus on this one woman? I mean, if she’s going to stick her head in the sand, then stick it in the sand and stop peeking out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 What concerns me is the ongoing threat to your health. I agree with this, but I will add that I am also concerned about your mental health. Over time, this kind of stress will take its toll in many ways... take care of yourself OP. If he is going to have sex with other women - even oral sex - you should be getting regular STD tests. You may also want to find yourself a good individual counsellor, when the time is right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 A. Her husband has no respect for her and her insisting that he stop would just be a joke to him. B. She ignores the fact that he cheats constantly with a slew of other women and that he could transmit a disease to either her, their children, or both. If she can ignore that very real danger, then why the heck focus on this one woman? I mean, if she’s going to stick her head in the sand, then stick it in the sand and stop peeking out. A) Where did I say she should tell him to stop? B) This woman is a big threat to her marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 Honestly, I'd suggest seeing a therapist and an attorney. Therapist to help you process your feelings around this and an attorney to discuss ramifications and legal ways to protect yourself AND your children should you stay in this marriage OR if you should divorce. If he's sleeping around as much as he is - you need to be sure that YOUR children of YOUR marriage have financial protection. Should he have other children out there in the world who may have a claim to inheritances, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author edith Posted November 27, 2018 Author Share Posted November 27, 2018 This needs to be a quick post, sorry - I saw an attorney once, brought him pages upon pages of emails between my husband and this particular woman back in 2010. Attorney said until I was serious about getting a divorce, he could t help. Counselor is a good idea. Why exactly is she a big threat to my marriage? I understand the time issue, how long they’ve been doing this, but nothing in their communications says they’ve even been on a date, they’ve met for oral sex. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand but also don’t want to give her undue importance. Will be back later, thanks again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 27, 2018 Share Posted November 27, 2018 (edited) Why exactly is she a big threat to my marriage? I understand the time issue, how long they’ve been doing this, but nothing in their communications says they’ve even been on a date, they’ve met for oral sex. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand but also don’t want to give her undue importance. With all due respect, how do you not see her as a threat. I ask this because you are trying very hard to minimize this relationship, and his betrayal. The truth is, if you are willing to continue business as usual, she may not be a threat to your marriage. After all, he has carried on this way for a long time... there is really no reason to think that he won't continue unless you have a problem with the status quo. It would certainly be in his best interest financially to continue things as they have been - he maintains his reputation and financial wellbeing, while free to explore other relationships with no consequence. But then again, he could decide tomorrow that he wants to be with this woman, or pursue other relationships for that matter. He may come to you and tell you that the children are older, he is no longer willing to stay in the marriage "for the children," and file for divorce. It's difficult, if not impossible, to assess the risk or predict his behavior. This is the risk you take, the uncertainty that you will live with, as long as you allow him to continue in this way... Edited November 27, 2018 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 This needs to be a quick post, sorry - I saw an attorney once, brought him pages upon pages of emails between my husband and this particular woman back in 2010. Attorney said until I was serious about getting a divorce, he could t help. Counselor is a good idea. Why exactly is she a big threat to my marriage? I understand the time issue, how long they’ve been doing this, but nothing in their communications says they’ve even been on a date, they’ve met for oral sex. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand but also don’t want to give her undue importance. Will be back later, thanks again I find it odd that you are okay with your husband cheating on you yet you never had a discussion with him about that. If it were me I would have opened up a conversation about that so I could lay down some ground rules. Maybe if your husband knew he had your blessing to chase no strings attached sex perhaps he wouldnt' have let himself get attached to this particular OW. Do you really feel that you have a happy and healthy marriage when there are so many secrets between you and your husband? Do you really feel like you two are intimately and authentically connected when there is so much unspoken? When you are unable to have honest conversations with him? Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 This needs to be a quick post, sorry - I saw an attorney once, brought him pages upon pages of emails between my husband and this particular woman back in 2010. Attorney said until I was serious about getting a divorce, he could t help. Counselor is a good idea. Why exactly is she a big threat to my marriage? I understand the time issue, how long they’ve been doing this, but nothing in their communications says they’ve even been on a date, they’ve met for oral sex. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand but also don’t want to give her undue importance. Will be back later, thanks again -OP ,you are in denial phase , not that your husband is cheating on you (yet you give hime a free pass); the denial is that you think you are in control of everything while when it comes to Jack emotions you can control nothing . -For me it is still obscur if your husband is a serial cheater and you are a victim , or he is human and you are enabling him to do whatever he wants . "don’t want to give her undue importance" : how ? she is connected to your husband ...she is already important to him . If you are confortable because you are living a good life with him , and you don't care about small details , carry on with same life style . Frankly , I don't see you in love with him ,you love yourself more , Which is normal for your type of ppl . If you are interrested in rectifying the main problem, you need to talk about what's wrong in your relationship . Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 OP, have you ever thought about opening up your marriage? You seem resigned to your WH cheating so why not just discuss it and put up boundaries? This should also let you know where you stand with regards to this particular OW. It would also give you the freedom to"date" other men if you wished. I know you currently don't want to but if everything was out in the open and with a properly negotiated contact that may change. If you're going to live this, make it work for you as best as you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
zouz71 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 OP, have you ever thought about opening up your marriage? You seem resigned to your WH cheating so why not just discuss it and put up boundaries? This should also let you know where you stand with regards to this particular OW. It would also give you the freedom to"date" other men if you wished. I know you currently don't want to but if everything was out in the open and with a properly negotiated contact that may change. If you're going to live this, make it work for you as best as you can. It seems OP s faithful, sex is not important to her or stability and her kids life is more important . Usaually a person like this is either a giver type , or materialistic stability is more important to her . Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 It seems OP s faithful, sex is not important to her or stability and her kids life is more important . Usually a person like this is either a giver type , or materialistic stability is more important to her . Or she has grown up in a spot where the men have affairs, have multiple mistresses, see prostitutes etc. and the women are supposed to not mind. Their job is to tend to the home and raise the kids and turn a blind eye. I also blame "love" and the good old marriage vows. They both trap honest decent monogamous people into having relationships with and staying in relationships with cheats and liars, who would not know what monogamy was if it was staring them in the face. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 OP, have you ever thought about opening up your marriage? You seem resigned to your WH cheating so why not just discuss it and put up boundaries? This should also let you know where you stand with regards to this particular OW. It would also give you the freedom to"date" other men if you wished. I know you currently don't want to but if everything was out in the open and with a properly negotiated contact that may change. If you're going to live this, make it work for you as best as you can. OK but that is a LS-type suggestion, how many of these work out well in reality? Few, very few. Open relationships work well if both are committed to an open lifestyle. Having an open relationship as some sort of revenge or payback to her husband cheating on her is never going to work. She is already getting sex from her husband, she doesn't need to advertise herself on Craigslist or Tinder to get sex from no doubt other cheating men... She has kids too, "Mummy is just going on a "date"... Be good." Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Elaine, trust me, I know and not something I would normally suggest and can't believe I'm actually doing it. In this case it's more for the fact that if she's going to put up with a cheating husband (because of whatever reason she's convinced herself he's allowed to cheat) then at least with an open marriage there are rules that each partner has to respect. OP can be open about asking questions relating to her health and well-being. Finally, in a perfect world, if the husband sees OP willing to date other men, who knows - it may scare him into stopping (I know, it's unlikely). Anyway, that's my reasoning, if she's not going to come out of the infidelity then bring the infidelity into the light. Not how I would live but it's not my life or family. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 Anyway, that's my reasoning, if she's not going to come out of the infidelity then bring the infidelity into the light. Not how I would live but it's not my life or family. She is scared that bringing the infidelity out into the light will ruin everything she has. She may be right. It really depends on why he is staying put in the first place. If she blows up the pretence, and tells him that she knows all about his wandering ways, then he may then see no need to stay any longer. That is the dilemma. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 This needs to be a quick post, sorry - I saw an attorney once, brought him pages upon pages of emails between my husband and this particular woman back in 2010. Attorney said until I was serious about getting a divorce, he could t help. Counselor is a good idea. Why exactly is she a big threat to my marriage? I understand the time issue, how long they’ve been doing this, but nothing in their communications says they’ve even been on a date, they’ve met for oral sex. I don’t want to stick my head in the sand but also don’t want to give her undue importance. Well, you seem to know which direction you want to go. Head first, right down into the sand all the way up to your shoulders (despite your protestations that you don't want to bury your head in the sand). You, in fact, have every intention of doing exactly that. But that's ok, if that's how you want to handle it. It's not my job to try to change your mind. I will just say, good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 I'm sorry Edith but I am in the camp that if this has been going on for 10 years it is more than just the sex. He has been leading a double life. If you want to save your M you know what needs to happen. Obviously the A has to end and you need a remorseful spouse. I was put through False R for 3 years and my WS was leading a double life during that time. There is no way I would continue in my M if the A was ongoing. I'm also not staying out of love or loyalty. I have 2 kids who are almost adults and we have kept it pretty stabile and amicable. I will reassess when they leave home. If I feel I have nothing to work with at that point and my WS still displays the same NPD behavior I'm getting a D. You have nothing to work with if the A is active. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted November 28, 2018 Share Posted November 28, 2018 you need to get out for yourself. hes put you at risk of stds. lied to you. im the ow im pregnant again 2ith his baby he will never change. his wife sure puts up with alot of his lies. she has no idea there is a life out there life him but shes scarred to be on her own. I know hes bring her down and her time i tell her it must hurt her so hes hurting her too 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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