Am I losing it?

[AmICrazyOrNo]

My (41m) partner (36f) and I have been together for 14 years. Living together 11. We have 2 kids, 4 1/2 (m)& 2 (f). Million dollar family. 

I have an embarrassing concern that has kept me up random nights for about 2 years and 9 months  

About a year and a half after our first, I had a very painful and sudden job loss. My partner had just gone back to work full time and was already out earning me when this happened. She is also from a wealthy family.  While this mitigated our financial concerns, our relationship suffered.

She was very unsympathetic and shortly after became downright contemptuous most of the time we were speaking.  We had been through a lot together and I felt awful that I could no longer contribute, but was hurt by her lack of care. During this time, we had almost no sex. She rarely said anything other than snarky criticism. I had been training for a career upgrade when I was let go so a few months into looking for work, I was stunned to hear her accuse me of losing my job on purpose to sit around and spend her money. She still doesn’t know this but that night a call back from a friend was the only thing that stopped me from taking my own life. I was full of self loathing and felt like her and our son would be better off without me as a burden, especially before my beautiful boy was old enough to miss me. 

Things were not good but I realized how sad and pitiful I’d become. She wasn’t helping (my state, or my ability to look for work) but I felt like I was lucky she hadn’t just kicked me out of our house, and kept me from our son. I had become extremely angry, depressed and probably quite unpleasant to be around.

Her and I had discussed another baby when times were better and the clock was ticking so to speak, so in spite of our situation, with her income and wealthy family to support us, we decided to try for number 2. 

Our first try that time was not successful and we were going to try for the next month. 

Before that day came, we were invited to a hallowe’en party. She dressed like she’s never dressed before. Her costume seemed to necessitate a tight satin mini dress and lots of time on hair and makeup. When we walked in she was turning heads. I felt thrilled with her with me. Her friend’s husband invited a lot of loud, boisterous, coke fueled, cocky grown-up frat boy types who I’ve long since grown unthreatened by. She seemed to know some, but nothing suspicious caught my eye.

The next week was halloween and other than taking our son trick or treating, she was more or less contemptuous the entire time. She would never go out normally and that week she went out at least 3 times, usually after some fuss in the bathroom to get ready. The last time she came home, dropped her phone on the table, brushed me off and jumped in the shower. 

I had grown so suspicious that I did the no-no. I flipped over her phone and scrolled through her call history. None from her friend.  Texts. No messages. Emails. No emails. Insta DMs. No insta dms. Unless she communicated with these women by effing raven, I had to  concede that I would never know how she was contacted or how those plans were made.

I felt sick and worried but pushed that away. I hadn’t been insecure like that since we’d first dated and it felt weird. I assumed I was losing my mind, or that she deleted messages to her friends complaining about how much she disliked me. I confronted her and she was dismissive and accused me of being paranoid and insecure, and managed to eye-roll her way out of questions I felt weren’t unwarranted.

A few days later, with her unenthusiastic, mechanical participation, we conceived our second. 

This pregnancy was during COVID. There was not contact with much of anyone and I somehow managed to find work, getting promoted quickly. As my confidence improved, so did our relationship. I have done a lot of work on myself for my family and my own sake since that time. I also spent the pandemic renovating our house which gave me a lot of pride at home and I began asserting myself in our relationship like I never had before.

By the due date all fear was behind me. I was over the moon when our daughter was born.  

But as I’d read so much about why and when wives cheat, what it looks like, why a wife might be mad at you all the time by this time, I couldn’t shake that week off.

Many articles stated that wives are likely to cheat when the relationship is bad. Check.

When they are over 30. Check. Withholding sex from their partner. Double check outside of scheduled baby making. 

Her mom cheated? Check  

When they have a one year old. Check.

And most painful:

when they are ovulating. Check  

Since that time our relationship has improved and I can’t imagine that my partner of 13 years would destroy or family and put us all through that sort of pain because I was laid off and struggled to find work for a few months, but I also know that every man who has been in that situation thought the same thing. 

If I could prove infidelity, I would just leave, but that would be crazy ona weird hunch.

if the timing wasn’t so critical, I’d just let it go and assume the worst but acknowledge my part in her feelings at that time. But with our relationship improving and me falling more in love with my daughter every day this little shred of doubt is tearing me apart.

Since things had been better, she had asked if anyone had ever flirted with me or seemed into me since we’d been together. I had always told her about any so I restated those examples and asked her the same. She brought up one guy she’d hit it off with at a party and he was cute and had been into her and asked her friend if she was single and that they’d only hung out a couple of times… like in a group. With her other friends. But that they really connected… then sort of cut herself off. 

is this worth a paternity test?

[S2B]

Oh yes, dna the baby.

it’s easy. You need to know what’s real.

[Wiseman2]

Replied in your identical thread:

 

[smackie9]

I know quite a few couples that suffered from infidelity. I recall one guy had a son that didn't look like him and everyone was telling him to get a paternity test. He never did/refused to, he was willing to love his son regardless. They get separated at one time, they ended up working it out, it got them talking.

If things are great, you have a wonderful family, why throw that all away? All the couples I know reconciled and now to this day are thriving, happy, all with good lives. Sometimes tragic events such as infidelity can bring a couple closer because they end up fighting for it, they want their life back together. So before you go off on this witch hunt, take the focus off, and really think about the repercussions and how it will change everyone's lives. Is this what you want? You willing to go through a divorce, share custody of the kids, shuffling them back and forth, trying to date again, seeing her dating again? Now if she was a serial cheater, then ya it's time to break out that toxic soup, but she's not. She, in her own head was seeing things differently during that time...not to put you to blame but honest communication wins the game. I suggest instead of just driving yourself mad, talk to your wife. Tell her honestly how you feel, ask her how she feels, listen...save your marriage.