NEED LOVE ADVICE

[Rose Angel]

we have been together in a relationship for 5 years, and supposed to be, about getting married last Month.I personally want to get married since I am comfortable with him and somehow learned to accept everything he can give/provide for me., considering also my age, I am already 30 years old and I want to get pregnant next year (I do not want to get pregnant out of marriage, so I really want to get married first, also to avoid gossips from my surrounding especially I am a teacher and I do not want to hear negativities from my co workers by being unmarried pregnant)

We dont have official ring/engagement,  We just both agreed by ourselves deciding to get married. but he and his family already went to our house asking permission to my parents. My partner doesnt have permanent work but I do . his parents are old and unemployed so they cannot help with the wedding expenses. I offered to get loan so we can have money to use for the wedding since I was able to apply for it., we agreed to pay for it equally divided every month.  

For the wedding, everything was set, we already had our list of entourage and all. Most of it, I did the preparation including all the papers needed. But a week before the scheduled wedding date, he was somehow unresponsive to my chats, we seldom saw each other because we both have work and came home late so we didnt have enough time to see ourselves during weekdays .(we are not yet together, we still live with our parents) usually we only see ourselves during weekend if we are available .)

he gave me so many reasons like he was under pressure just like that so I decided to cancel our wedding since I cannot have a firm response from him and I found out that he lied to me by not yet inviting his friends while I know he already did because they were part of our entourage .. He did not invite them because eventually I get it that he is really not yet ready to get  married ..

Now that the wedding day was over, I felt so  frustrated., however,  now we still see each other, he still pursue me to fix our relationship , he said that we can resched our wedding next year just to give him enough time like to (find better work, save money, help his old parents first something like that) he said he still love me and I still love him that is why I still allow him to see me but I  still feel so frustrated because of what happened.

I dont have assurance for what he is saying  about the rescheduled wedding next year, i lost my trust on him.. we have tried to get a part for a week after the said wedding date but I feel so lonely, and unmotivated, and cried every night) that is why I am getting in touch again with him .. but despite the fact that I love him, I am really confused whether to still go or fight with our relationship or find a new partner who is more provider /or someone who is looking forward into marriage as well..I am confused and I dont know what to do.Can you help me pls?

Edited August 26, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Rose Angel said:

 he said that we can resched our wedding next year just to give him enough time like to (find better work, save money, help his old parents first something like that) he said he still love me and I still love him that is why I still allow him to see me but I  still feel so frustrated because of what happened. 

You don't need a fancy wedding or ring to get legally married in order to live together start a family. Unfortunately he does not want to get married.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Rose Angel said:

I personally want to get married since I am comfortable with him and somehow learned to accept everything he can give/provide for me.,

What will you be giving and providing for him?   Why did his parents go with him to ask yours for your hand in marriage?  Is that your culture where you're from?

It seems all the pressure is surrounded around a wedding you two cannot afford.  At the age of 30 and above most people are paying for their own weddings here in the US, so expecting aging parents who don't have the money to pay for a wedding is unheard of.  Even so here the cost of the wedding for young brides falls on the bride's family, not the grooms.

I agree that a wedding is not necessary if you really love each other and want to be married.  Especially if the cost is creating a strain.  You can do something in the back yard with just family and only the closest of friends very inexpensively.  Plain wedding bands wouldn't cost much either.  You can get the diamond engagement ring later on. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Your issue is not that you need marriage. Your issue is that you are running out of time to have children.  Do not make the mistake so many other women make by waiting for a man who is never ready to commit starting a family. Do not waste you reproductive years for this guy.  If he truly wanted a family and marriage. He would have done so with you by now.  He has put in very little effort in the next step to marriage and so you need to judge him by his actions.  
Love is NOT enough when it comes to commitment for marriage and family.  It is about mature love which is rooted in choices.  His choices have so far shown you he is not ready. 
 

Do not go back to him. You need to show him you are serious and will not wait any longer by cutting him off. Go no contact so you can move on and find someone better. And someone who loves you and wants the same as you and shows theses things by his choices.

 

[Summer2024]

I agree with lonelyeolanetmoon, don’t do it! It seems like you feel the pressure of your woman clock ticking. Women now-a-day have babies in their late 30s and early 40s. 
 

It sounds to me that you do not have a solid relationship. You do not even see each other every weekend and you have been dating for 5 years. And let’s don’t even mention the fact that he won’t be able to contribute financially. You are putting so much stress on getting married to Someone simply because you want babies and because you don’t want people to talk about you. 

I think that if you were to married him and then find yourself, pregnant, unhappy, and with a partner than can’t help financially (in addition to all the wedding bills you will be still paying) you will find yourself in a miserable situation. Who cares about your community talking?! You won’t be the first or the last one who broke an engagement!!

Now, if you are deeply in love with him and think that he has many qualities and can offer you the life you want (emotionally and financially) then have a talk with him, give him sometime for him to get a job an find himself into a steady financial routine and then marry him. Set up a timeline. A reasonable amount of time you are willing to wait for him To figure all this out. If he loves you and truly wants to build a life with  you and have a family with you, he will be very motivated. 
 

Don’t rush into anything!! You will regret it!!

[glows]

Whether you're able to forgive him or not is a question mark at this point. You're completely incompatible with each other. I understand you care about him but you also seem torn and conflicted about the way you feel. Trust is broken and love without trust is only a shadow of what it once was. Unless you're able to work through that resentment towards him, I don't think the relationship will recover. I think you were on entirely different wavelengths for some time and it's possible he wanted to please you and do as you wanted but realized it's too soon. You both want different things and not in the same amount of time. 

I'd spend some time reflecting on whether you can ever see him or look at him the same way after what has happened and second, whether you see yourself marrying or having a family with a person who isn't stable financially (doesn't have permanent work). You've already taken a loan out for an event that didn't follow through. How many loans will you keep taking out or how much debt do you see yourself in before you realize that both of you aren't ready for this?