keeping in contact with people you had sex with

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Jtomzs said:

A lot yes. 

Right so clearly there’s more behind this that has built up. It really could be incompatibilities. I’ve been in a few relationships, most where there was no jealousy and a couple where there was. It came down to different views on relationships, appropriate boundaries, views on opposite sex relationships, flirting etc. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Let's see. One of my very best friends (I mean top three) is a woman I had sex with. I'm also friends with her husband--though that took some time. He and I genuinely like one another.

Well, let's see, this woman and I haven't had sex in 35 years. (I'm 60. Do an equivalent adjustment for your guys at age 13). Let's see. My friend's husband isn't the jealousy type. He is incredibly supportive of her. 

BTW: my relationship with my friend is 100 percent clean. No flirting whatsoever. She shares about her life and even about her marriage, and I share what's going on with me and women. 

I don't think the old rules apply anymore. Men and women these days will move out of dating and sometimes into genuine friendship. God, I'm close to two other exes. One I just hung out with for dinner. She and I were friends long before we had a fling, and the fling was bring. We stayed apart for a while, and then eased back into friendship. And it's legit (neither wants anything more) friendship. I can't imagine that if she gets a new boyfriend that he will be jealous of me. And frankly, I know my ex, and she wouldn't cut off our relationship to please a man in a romantic relationship. And neither would I!

OP, the male OP, make sure you're allowing yourself to feel the full security and love of your current partner. She really wrote respectfully of you here and she isn't hiding anything. Make sure you're allowing her love to sink in. Whenever I got jealous, it was usually because something was bothering me or I was blocking connection with my current partner. If I am seriously connected to my current partner, then my jealousy brain just gets bored and goes to sleep. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, flitzanu said:

if these posts are real and not fabricated, and now the OP and the girlfriend

Agree.

Are you the boyfriend? Or the girlfriend under the guise of the boyfriend.

Kind of hard to provide advice if you're not being forthcoming with that.

[Martyn35]

Thanks for everyone ones opinions 😊

[Mrin]

7 hours ago, Martyn35 said:

Thanks for everyone ones opinions 😊

It's a tough subject OP. As you can see it's not exactly clear cut. People are all over the board on the subject. IMHO, the best course through these treacherous waters is to focus more on what you need to feel secure in the relationship and what she needs to not feel constrained, rather than what one "should" or "shouldn't" do. The more open and heartfelt conversations you have about insecurities and fears on both sides, the better off you will be. 

Best of luck!

Mrin

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, BrinnM said:

Yeah, I can imagine that that’s uncomfortable. Not something I would put up with, TBH. 

Maybe it's just a matter of not having to put up with it. 

It seems reasonable to remain platonic friends with someone you used to sleep with (after the cooling off period has expired), and respect your partner's boundaries, and not to force them to hang out with the people you slept with.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Alpacalia

[BrinnM]

3 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

seems reasonable to remain platonic friends

Yes, you’re right, and after reading more posts, it seems like they’re not necessarily in contact on a regular basis anyways. Just old acquaintances. Nothing wrong with that, really. The first post made me think of a woman who constantly texts her former FWB, or meets up with him during her lunch breaks, to share memories, without including her current BF. That’s obvs not the case here. 

[smackie9]

It really depends. If they are texting each other almost everyday, meeting up one on one, etc. That's a problem. Long time friends, both have moved on with other people, might wish them a happy birthday every year...not a problem. 

[introverted1]

On 8/25/2022 at 10:25 AM, Martyn35 said:

when it was spoken about she did say that she would like to meet up and have a drink with him for a catch up as he is a sound guy, I think you two would get along. 

So she's suggesting that you join them on this get together? If so, that sounds ok. 

Unless you think she is master-minding an affair and only inviting you to throw you off the scent, this sounds like the behavior of someone who has closed the old chapter and is inviting her friend into the new chapter of her life.

More realistically, she has known him for 12 18 years and, if they actually have a friendship, it's normal that she would want him to meet you and vice versa.

 

Edited August 26, 2022 by introverted1
Correctoin for number of years of friendship

[basil67]

Both my husband and I have a FB connection with our respective exs from decades ago.  Both of us have had a reunion with them, and invited family and partners along.  His ex is very nice, and my ex is also a good guy.    Since then, the contact has dropped back to only commenting on their life events....such as job changes and babies.   There are no insecurities among us, so we don't have a problem with it at all.

Another woman I know...her ex is part of her friendship group.  They don't have any private communication. However, to completely cease contact with him, she would need to avoid all events with her friends and she's simply not going to do that.  So she gives any prospective date the information beforehand to make sure he's cool with it.  The guys she's dated have obviously been cool with it (otherwise, they would not have dated) and the guy she's in a relationship with is fine with it.

Edited August 26, 2022 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

It's neat to see different perspectives.

Neither my exes nor I maintained contact with exes while we were together. It's possible we didn't feel the need to. It might be because I have a platonic male friend from childhood and another from just as long, so perhaps that's why I don't maintain contact with exes.

Sure, the occasional hello how are you every couple of years, but that's about it. 

Interesting topic.

[stillafool]

I've been friendly with my exes and don't care if my husband is friendly with him as long as it isn't a habit.  I find that most people no longer desire sex with an ex because there is no mystery involved in it which can raise your desire.  More like been there done that.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/25/2022 at 6:55 PM, Martyn35 said:

Thanks for everyone ones opinions 😊

It sounds like your GF chimed in and thought you are insecure jealous and controlling and that these are not new issues. She also stated that this friend is benign and she has no intention of isolating herself from friends because of what she feels are your insecurities.

Hopefully it works out, but it hasn't been that long and there are significant incompatibilities. Perhaps one day you'll feel less threatened and more secure in this or future relationships.

[salparadise]

I dated a woman for a few months recently whose ex-h and father of her adult daughter lives nearby (I live farther away). She is big into playing music (guitar), and get together every Friday to play with the ex-h and her good friend. She would express what an excellent guitarist the ex-h is, and how much she enjoys those weekly sessions. She also hosted a father's day get together for him. They've been divorced several years, and I'm sure they're done with the romance...  but I just found it annoying that Friday evenings were dedicated to him and there would be no visit-call-texting at a time when I was most available. The twinkle in her eye when she'd talk about his guitar prowess was annoying too. 

So while not a jealousy issue in the usual sense, because I am confident that she's not the least bit inclined to get back with him or anything like that, I decided that I preferred to not be in the mix with someone that connected to an ex, and I didn't have any right to try and influence her behavior. I just prefer someone who is unencumbered. I guess I learned something about myself through the experience. 

OP, if this is only about one contact on social media and there is nothing else actively going on, you'd be crazy to turn it into a relationship issue. But I also think you should not get together with this guy and try to become pals. And hopefully your GF will respect that. Try to turn that jealously switch off and lean into this sweet woman.

Edited August 27, 2022 by salparadise

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, salparadise said:

I dated a woman for a few months recently whose ex-h and father of her adult daughter lives nearby (I live farther away). She is big into playing music (guitar), and get together every Friday to play with the ex-h and her good friend. She would express what an excellent guitarist the ex-h is, and how much she enjoys those weekly sessions. She also hosted a father's day get together for him. They've been divorced several years, and I'm sure they're done with the romance...  but I just found it annoying that Friday evenings were dedicated to him and there would be no visit-call-texting at a time when I was most available. The twinkle in her eye when she'd talk about his guitar prowess was annoying too. 

So while not a jealousy issue in the usual sense, because I am confident that she's not the least bit inclined to get back with him or anything like that, I decided that I preferred to not be in the mix with someone that connected to an ex, and I didn't have any right to try and influence her behavior. I just prefer someone who is unencumbered. I guess I learned something about myself through the experience. 

OP, if this is only about one contact on social media and there is nothing else actively going on, you'd be crazy to turn it into a relationship issue. But I also think you should not get together with this guy and try to become pals. And hopefully your GF will respect that. Try to turn that jealously switch off and lean into this sweet woman.

Well, that's the thing.

We all have insecurities.

It is imperative not to allow these insecurities to influence the behavior of another individual. Despite that, if you find that relationships with past sex partners or ex-partners interfere with your relationship either because of your own insecurities or inappropriate contact/behavior with past relationships, either the insecurities are liable to drive the other person away or the inappropriate behavior (if any) will drive you away. 

After some point, I guess the question becomes, which is more significant, maintaining your past relationships or your present one?

If you can do both, that's great.

[Weezy1973]

There is always the debate when it comes to these things. A lot of people immediately write off the person that’s feeling jealous as insecure, but it’s not always the case. Of the partner is indeed doing things that can actively cause jealousy. I had an ex back in my 20s that actively checked out other men in front of me and would comment that she was getting “moist”. She also openly flirted with other men, refused to hold my hand in places where attractive men were, and would pretty much ignore me if she were chatting with an attractive man. Needless to say, those things altogether made me feel jealous and insecure. And she’s an ex for a good reason. 
 

For the OP, he has to figure out if this is a pattern in his life with all his partners. Or is this specific to this relationship. And if it’s just this relationship, why specifically? I suspect it’s not just this one incident.

[Jtomzs]

On 8/27/2022 at 8:46 PM, Weezy1973 said:

There is always the debate when it comes to these things. A lot of people immediately write off the person that’s feeling jealous as insecure, but it’s not always the case. Of the partner is indeed doing things that can actively cause jealousy. I had an ex back in my 20s that actively checked out other men in front of me and would comment that she was getting “moist”. She also openly flirted with other men, refused to hold my hand in places where attractive men were, and would pretty much ignore me if she were chatting with an attractive man. Needless to say, those things altogether made me feel jealous and insecure. And she’s an ex for a good reason. 
 

For the OP, he has to figure out if this is a pattern in his life with all his partners. Or is this specific to this relationship. And if it’s just this relationship, why specifically? I suspect it’s not just this one incident.

He’s told me he’s never been this way with anyone and it is just me specifically. I am very chatty and outgoing, but very respectful to my partner. He thinks people may see that as flirting, but I’m just chatty. The same with any male or female. To me, if someone thinks I’m flirting with them when I’m just being nice, then that’s on them. I’m a loyal person. We’re very much together when we’re out. I’m not out to play games. He has stated a few times that the fact that I look after myself and I can be quite glamours (when I do myself up) he’s not used to a woman going the extra mile like I do. But I take pride in my appearance and it’s not for anyone else other than myself. And the fact that I’m often on my phone. But who isn’t in 2022!? Note that I’m not private with my phone. I’ve got nothing to hide. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Jtomzs

[Jtomzs]

Edot 

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, Jtomzs said:

To me, if someone thinks I’m flirting with them when I’m just being nice, then that’s on them. 

This is probably the crux of it. Not caring about whether or not someone perceives you to be flirting with them while you’re in a relationship. A lot of people will purposefully act different to make sure there’s no ambiguity. They’ll mention their partner early in a conversation. Say “we” when referring to plans and activities instead of “I”. They’ll be a bit shorter with their conversations with the opposite sex. Not saying what you’re doing is wrong per se, but if in his mind, if being in a relationship means you’re actively protecting that relationship when you’re out and about, then you likely just have some core values differences. 

[glows]

On 8/25/2022 at 8:12 AM, Martyn35 said:

Also ening it is not wahat I want to do. Im no hear to end it. Im here to get out side views. If the majority side with me then hopefully you opinion can allow her see the way i see it and the hopfully she will act accordingly to how she sees fit. But if the majority side with her then I know that I will need to do something about the way I feel and just call it a day with this situation 

It depends on the couple and a host of other issues. Do you see yourself with her long term? Are other values compatible? While it’s good of you to be considering other viewpoints listen to your gut and make decisions that are best for you. It makes no sense whatsoever to be dating someone you feel uncomfortable with. 

[Natalie2476]

You say she should be considerate to your feelings, but what about hers? You are accusing her of doing things she hasn’t done. So she publicly commented on fb to an ex what’s the big deal? She is clearly very honest with you as she has told you he was an ex or somebody she has slept with. It seems like she doesn’t have anything to hide? I think you need to respect her by trusting her, she has given you no cause for concern. I think the main issue here is clearly trust. You need to learn to trust her and or any future girlfriends otherwise I fear you will end up alone. Ultimately if somebody is going to do something they would wether you accuse them or not. Trust the girl and try and relax if you want to save this relationship. 
Best of luck. 

Edited August 30, 2022 by Natalie2476

[salparadise]

On 8/28/2022 at 4:56 AM, Alpacalia said:

We all have insecurities.

It is imperative not to allow these insecurities to influence the behavior of another individual. Despite that, if you find that relationships with past sex partners or ex-partners interfere with your relationship either because of your own insecurities...

 

On 8/28/2022 at 5:46 AM, Weezy1973 said:

A lot of people immediately write off the person that’s feeling jealous as insecure, but it’s not always the case.

Right. I think it's ludicrous to jump the to conclusion that it's about a man's personal insecurities. In the example I related it was not, because I did not suspect any ongoing romance or sexual tension between them at all. I thought of it more like an annoying habit, or a personality trait, that I didn't care for... sort of like a whiny, nasal voice injecting "like" between every other word, or someone who considers dogs or cats "their children." It's not something I have a right to try and change, but also not what I'd choose for a relationship partner. [It's OK for men to lose] interest due to annoying associations of this kind [and this] does not make us insecure in the least.

Edited August 30, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating