Getting divorce after 20 years- terrified to jump!

[Summer2024]

Hi! I am a 43 years old woman, with adolescent children, who has been married for 20 years. I love my husband but we caused each other a lot pain. He inflicted a lot of pain on me and caused traumatic experiences at the beginning of our marriage, like when he decided to be watching porn while I was having contractions in the hospital expecting our first child, or like when he met a woman in the park and they arranged to meet for coffee (only I found the email before they did- we shared a computer back then) or when he left me after having our first child and I had postpartum depression. I begged him to come back (I was 24 years old, with a new baby, family in another country and scared- I was fragile) we went to therapy and things seemed to get better.  We had more children right after and he seemed finally happy and I was too. Even though he is 7 years older than me, he was very immature and justified it to me that way and I forgave him (or maybe I did not) I carried the resentment for many years, I still feel pain when I think of those first years of my marriage. Looking back,  I wasn’t kind to him many times, I lashed back at him, calling him derogatory names and telling him I would divorce him, I wanted to make him feel the pain he made me feel. That was my mistake. I did not let go of the past. So fast forward 20 years and he asked me for a divorce. Our relationship has not been great for the last two years, we became disconnected and I started to see so many flaws on him just as he did with me.
 

I always tried to be the perfect mom, the “good wife”, home made dinners most every night, his clothes were always organized and clean, house looked great, I run our social life and we had a lot of friends. But in reality, I never let go of the pain he caused me and blamed him. (There are many more examples, like him proposing with a plastic ring, not thinking it through, out of an impulse) I always felt like he did not value me enough to plan a nice proposal with a real ring. Anyway, I can see now the mistakes I made and how perhaps we were never a good fit. But if I did not married him and insisted on being married to him, I would not have the amazing children I have. 

I need to move on but I am, sometimes, terrified of being alone, of screwing my kids so much (the statistics are scary on their own) I am afraid of how I will react when he has another partner, (it will break my heart again) I am already heartbroken.
 

He has many good, decent qualities, such as he is a good dad, honest, was never unfaithful (maybe because I was quick to figure it out), he is easy going and gets alone with my side of the family but he lacks passion, and excitement, and most importantly he was always willing to live without me. (That is how I felt for all these years).

There are days I cry a lot and there days I feel like I got this. I also have doubts of how I will find a guy who checks all the boxes for me. I am picky, and a bit of a type A. Is this the right choice? Should I begged my husband again to stay with me? Should we try again? Honestly, I think divorced men my age want to date women 20 years younger and although beauty was never an issue for me, I am not 23 anymore and I will not date a man who is 20 years older than me. I feel like most nice men are married, taken, that is why they are married and unavailable!

I have gotten in really good shape, I exercise and eat healthy, I feel physically strong but emotionally, I am mess. I never thought I would get divorce (even after I threatened him with one a few times). I just never expected he would want out, since I was the one who gave him so many chances. I thought he owed me for life, ha!

I guess I need to figure out what to do next, how to heal, how to get emotionally strong. 
I have this analogy in my head, when I was a young girl, in the summers, I used to go to this pool that had a very high diving board, I would always get to the edge but not jump, I was too scared of how I would feel while In the air, while crushing the water, while taking that step out. I thought about every possible feeling I could feel and that would possibly harm me. I feel the same way now,  the difference is, I know I HAVE to jump but I am terrified.

I know my story is complex, but if some pieces resonate with you, or you have some similar experiences and are now doing great and happy,  I would love some advice and to hear about your journey.

 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

  fast forward 20 years and he asked me for a divorce. 

You'll feel a lot better when you contact an attorney and get specifics on your situation. The moment a spouse says "divorce", they are threatening legal action. He has probably already spoken to an attorney.

Threatening divorce over and over is much different than what he is doing and that is telling you he's filing for divorce.

This isn't about springboards and mustering up the courage. This is about getting your ducks in a row for a pending lawsuit.

In this case he'll be the plaintiff and you'll be the defendant unless you act promptly and get appropriate legal advice.

 

[Summer2024]

Wiseman2- already there. I retained a lawyer and have been working on putting my ducks on a row the entire summer. It’s the emotional part, that is hard. But thank you for the advice!

alwayscurious- Thank you! 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

I retained a lawyer and have been working on putting my ducks on a row the entire summer. It’s the emotional part, that is hard.

Excellent.  You did not mention you retained an attorney. It's good you did and your attorney should have already discussed all the options and specifics of your situation.. A therapist can help you with the emotional fallout, navigating this and transitioning to being a single parent.

Edited August 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[stillafool]

On 8/22/2022 at 11:20 PM, Chaptertwo said:

I have this analogy in my head, when I was a young girl, in the summers, I used to go to this pool that had a very high diving board, I would always get to the edge but not jump, I was too scared of how I would feel while In the air, while crushing the water, while taking that step out. I thought about every possible feeling I could feel and that would possibly harm me. I feel the same way now,  the difference is, I know I HAVE to jump but I am terrified.

If you are a good swimmer you need to go ahead and jump off a diving board into the water to put this behind you.

What reason did you husband give for wanting the divorce?  Has he already filed and moved out?

[Summer2024]

Thank you stillafool. I am a pretty good swimmer  but it always takes me a bit of time to Jump in. 
 

He says I mistreated him and he is deeply unhappy. (And I acknowledge I did, not all the time, when we had arguments I raised my voice at him and did call him derogatory names)- we had a lot of good happy years (the vast majority) but I did carry resentment for what he did the first couple of years of our marriage, I believe he mistreated me and undervalued me for the 20years of our marriage. 
 

I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel frozen right now. I guess I was not expecting him to want out. I am not in loved with him anymore but it is hard to just accept that it is over just like this, no trying marriage therapy, and see him that he is done. I wonder many times if there is someone else. It does not make sense to me.
And yes he is filing for D in a couple of weeks.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

 

3 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

yes he is filing for D in a couple of weeks.

It's great you have an attorney, because once someone files you're in shark infested waters, not standing on a diving board over a pristine pool. Take care of yourself and family. Dissociate as much as possible from him and carefully follow the advice of your attorney and therapist. Be frank with trusted friends and family and seek support.

[stillafool]

52 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

And yes he is filing for D in a couple of weeks.

Has he already moved out of the house?

[Summer2024]

We have been separated for 8 months, leaving apart. 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

We have been separated for 8 months, leaving apart. 

I was thinking if he were still in the house there might be a chance; but this sounds like the final nail in the coffin.  Sorry.  You'll be okay.

[Summer2024]

But do you think the relationship deserves another chance? 

[R22X]

Hello,

It's actually the first real sad story I have read on here so far.

I am so sorry to hear that the family is falling apart and there are children/kids involved.

When I was 21 and lived at home, I went through traumatic experiences seeing my parents fight. My dad had been cheating on my mum for years with various women due to the fact that they disconnected and did not sleep in the same bed.

I saw the anger in my dad because he was guilty. He used to come home drunk and smash up glasses in the kitchen, throw laptops at doors and he was just real angry due to the fact that he was cheating.

My mum has always been the perfect mum and the perfect wife. Although he's always been a good father to me and my little sister and provided, my mum is just a gold heart and lets my dad get away with murder.

10 years later, they are happy, they go out together, they laugh, they flirt and everything is good.

The only bad thing is me and my sister suffer with terrible anxiety.

What I am trying to say is that marriage is not easy and believe me I sit and think gosh how does it even work for anyone but it does.

I don't think you should beg your husband to stay as if he wants to stay he will, but on the other hand if you said your divorcing him then maybe just say the threats are enough and you want it to work for the future.

It's really difficult, but the things you have listed above, although they aren't great I don't think they are reasons to divorce.

Can you not go to therapy together? you married each other and said your vows - surely that love can be found again?

X

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Chaptertwo said:

But do you think the relationship deserves another chance? 

In all the years after his first infidelity did you guys ever try marriage counseling to heal the marriage?  It doesn't matter what I think, it's what you and him want.

Edited August 24, 2022 by stillafool

[BrinnM]

1 hour ago, Chaptertwo said:

But do you think the relationship deserves another chance? 

I do not.

WHY: He has treated you terribly over the years, maybe not continuously (there may have been "good" times, even though it doesn't sound like it, TBH), but OMG when I read about you being in labor and him doing whatever, and/or having affairs and sex with other women left and right, naaaahhhh – you deserve better. Plus, he already asked for a D (the audacity!), so I am sure he has been with somebody else during the separation (or with multiple women, who knows). During this eight-month separation, I don't think he's come around rethinking and regretting his life choices, or feeling remorse for hurting you. He's probably enjoying himself.

Also this: His reason for filing is ridiculous:  You mistreated him and he is deeply unhappy? OK – typical case of blame-shifting here. You had every [expletive] right to be mad at him! Don't let him tell you otherwise. His bad choices and his disrespectful behavior are NOT on you!!!

And these are only some of the reasons why this M is not worth saving. No no no. You are a self-respecting human being, and you don't want to stay in this. The only reason why a woman would stay in this nightmare of a marriage I could imagine is if she had absolutely zero income, and no education, and absolutely no chance in hell to ever find a job in order to support herself. Other than that: Staying and trying cannot be justified under these circumstances – ever!!! I wish you had filed, not him. 

[Summer2024]

Thank you BrinnM, stillafool and alwayscurious! 
 

I agree and believe me when I say I am not making this decision based on this or any other forum. I am only looking for people who had similar stories or can see this from another perspective. 

He was an awful husband during our first two years of marriage and because I insisted on doing marriage therapy (as I said, I was young, fragile and with a new baby) we had more kids and happy years. I carried resentment toward him for many years and miss treated him by calling him names when we had fights (such as “you are weak”, “a coward” or “not enough man”) I know, I am not proud of that but yes, now he has the audacity to do this!!

I am done with him but hurt for our family and our kids who do not deserve to suffer because of our actions. 
 

[Els]

If you've been separated for 8 months, and given his history, I strongly suspect that he is already with another woman and he is filing for divorce now because he wants to make their relationship more official. Sorry.

Basically, I think the chance for reconciliation has long passed at this point, if it was even ever feasible.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

Thank you BrinnM, stillafool and alwayscurious! 
 

I agree and believe me when I say I am not making this decision based on this or any other forum. I am only looking for people who had similar stories or can see this from another perspective. 

He was an awful husband during our first two years of marriage and because I insisted on doing marriage therapy (as I said, I was young, fragile and with a new baby) we had more kids and happy years. I carried resentment toward him for many years and miss treated him by calling him names when we had fights (such as “you are weak”, “a coward” or “not enough man”) I know, I am not proud of that but yes, now he has the audacity to do this!!

I am done with him but hurt for our family and our kids who do not deserve to suffer because of our actions. 
 

Is he at least still spending time with his kids?

[Summer2024]

He is a good dad and my kids love him! 
Also, he was never unfaithful, I said he watched porn whole i had contractions in the hospital (I did not give birth that day) and he was supposed to meet a woman for coffee (but did not) also while I was pregnant. But he swears he was never unfaithful, I believe him. This all happened 20 years ago. 

one more thing I will add. He is an alcoholic, however I met him when he was sobered for 7 years, and he has been for 19 years of our marriage sobered. Last fall he had a relapse, we were disconnected and relapsed. He blames it on me not stopping him. And I did not, here is why, I never saw him drinking anything during our marriage, and many times I fantasized with the idea of how it would be to have a glass of wine with my spouse and I verbalized that to him during our marriage. So last fall, we were so disconnected he one day had a beer, and I asked him “are you sure?” But I did not stopped him bc I thought it would maybe loosen him up and we would reconnect. I made him promised that he would only drink when we were together and ye promised me that, well, a month into it and he was drinking day and night, hiding it from me until three months later when it all exploded and I figured it out. That is when we separated. He says, I should have never let him drink, if I was a good wife  I should have stopped him. 
 

so I guess I am not a good wife, and I miss treated him and he is deeply unhappy.

so there it is! Full story!

 

 

[Summer2024]

And he has been sobered again since we separated. For these 8 months. He is no longer drinking. 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

He is an alcoholic. Last fall he had a relapse, we were disconnected and relapsed. He blames it on me not stopping him. He says, I should have never let him drink, if I was a good wife  I should have stopped him. 

You dodged a bullet. Be glad he is divorcing you. Not only a relapsing alcoholic but blames you.

In addition to therapy to sort out divorce issues, research research "dry drunk".

Also Al-Anon, for the unfortunate people involved with alcoholics : https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[R22X]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You dodged a bullet. Be glad he is divorcing you. Not only a relapsing alcoholic but blames you.

In addition to therapy to sort out divorce issues, research research "dry drunk".

Also Al-Anon, for the unfortunate people involved with alcoholics : https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

I can see why you call your self ''Wiseman'' as your answers are extremely professional and covered at all angles. 

[stillafool]

36 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

He is a good dad and my kids love him!

Well this is good that the kids are not losing their dad.   They will adjust to the co-parenting and new living arrangement.   Is he and the other woman now living together?  

[stillafool]

38 minutes ago, Chaptertwo said:

And he has been sobered again since we separated. For these 8 months. He is no longer drinking. 

This is great for him as well as the kids.  Glad he pulled himself back from the addiction.

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

But do you think the relationship deserves another chance? 

I think you have to decide what you want. 

When I read your OP I can't tell if you are actually wanting to reconcile with your husband because you love him and want to make a life with him or if your real concern is the potential lack of future dating/marriage partners.

If you truly love your husband and want to reconcile, the first step would be to ask him if this is something he is open to.  If he is, marriage counseling would be your best bet, as it appears that there are multiple layers of hurt that you have each exacerbated over the years.

All that said, it is possible that with 8 months' distance already, your husband has already made the decision to move on, in which case there is nothing for you to do except to get into IC if you need it, take good care of your kids (and make sure they are not pawns in the divorce) and know that, although it may take time, there are better days ahead.

Edited August 24, 2022 by introverted1

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Chaptertwo said:

Last fall he had a relapse, we were disconnected and relapsed. He blames it on me not stopping him. And I did not, here is why, I never saw him drinking anything during our marriage, and many times I fantasized with the idea of how it would be to have a glass of wine with my spouse and I verbalized that to him during our marriage. So last fall, we were so disconnected he one day had a beer, and I asked him “are you sure?” But I did not stopped him bc I thought it would maybe loosen him up and we would reconnect. I made him promised that he would only drink when we were together and ye promised me that, well, a month into it and he was drinking day and night, hiding it from me until three months later when it all exploded and I figured it out. That is when we separated. He says, I should have never let him drink, if I was a good wife  I should have stopped him. 

It's possible that this is what made your husband decide he could no longer be in the marriage.  He probably felt you were being selfish by risking his sobriety by even wanting him to drink only with you in order for him to loosen up and reconnect.  That's almost impossible for an alcholic and a drug addict because as you can see he completely fell off the wagon.  He probably thinks the only way he can hold onto his sobriety and live a healthy life is to be away from you.

Edited August 24, 2022 by stillafool