Intentions of exes who hoover, stalk, position themselves nearby'

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Hi all. I could use some insight as to what makes an ex hoover, stalk, "place themselves in close proximity", etc.... And how does one know whether or not an ex is hoovering, stalking or showing up by mere coincidence? I've seen a few threads about a controlling partner or an ex. Is it about them wanting control or is about them wanting to see what's going on with their ex?

I've been through a few breakups where the guy was seriously opposed to the breakup.  One ex ended up stalking to the point of me taking him to court to get a restraining order. Another guy seems to make life decisions that put him in close proximity to me.  One thing they had in common was that they were passive aggressive and/or didn't have the best ability to communicate their emotions. I never thought I would be so agitated, but it's very bothersome. One ex issue is more recent, while the other ex was years ago when I had to get a restraining order against him.

Why do they do it? Do they want to keep tabs, do they want to intimidate, do they think it will make the ex go back to them, do they intent to follow through with a bigger plan or some sort, or what? The best thing would be, for the breakup to have not been necessary to begin with, but in my case it was necessary. Soon enough I'll be with someone who's more fitting and/or I'll just have a better picker. My most recent ex and I have been cordial, but he very casually one day told me that he was looking to move down the street from me.  I automatically thought, but hoped this is not something that turns into a bigger issue than what it already is. I feel like he may have thought that I would be likely to get back together with him because of his move. Prior to our breakup he'd act as if he knew people on the street, but I don't know if that's true. Either way, the thought of possibly having someone lurking or watching me is incredibly aggravating because I'm trying so hard to forget about him. I actually told him that and maybe I shouldn't have.

Again, why do they do it? Should I be super alarmed?

Edited August 21, 2022 by ladyeatinggreens20
title misspelling

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

. My most recent ex and I have been cordial, but he very casually one day told me that he was looking to move down the street from me.

Sorry this is happening. How long were you dating him? What was the breakup about? 

Why are you cordial with him? Do you work together? 

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Reset your social media privacy settings. Get a video home security system.

You can't stop people from moving to wherever they want but you can stop interacting with them.

[glows]

5 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Hi all. I could use some insight as to what makes an ex hoover, stalk, "place themselves in close proximity", etc.... And how does one know whether or not an ex is hoovering, stalking or showing up by mere coincidence? I've seen a few threads about a controlling partner or an ex. Is it about them wanting control or is about them wanting to see what's going on with their ex?

I've been through a few breakups where the guy was seriously opposed to the breakup.  One ex ended up stalking to the point of me taking him to court to get a restraining order. Another guy seems to make life decisions that put him in close proximity to me.  One thing they had in common was that they were passive aggressive and/or didn't have the best ability to communicate their emotions. I never thought I would be so agitated, but it's very bothersome. One ex issue is more recent, while the other ex was years ago when I had to get a restraining order against him.

Why do they do it? Do they want to keep tabs, do they want to intimidate, do they think it will make the ex go back to them, do they intent to follow through with a bigger plan or some sort, or what? The best thing would be, for the breakup to have not been necessary to begin with, but in my case it was necessary. Soon enough I'll be with someone who's more fitting and/or I'll just have a better picker. My most recent ex and I have been cordial, but he very casually one day told me that he was looking to move down the street from me.  I automatically thought, but hoped this is not something that turns into a bigger issue than what it already is. I feel like he may have thought that I would be likely to get back together with him because of his move. Prior to our breakup he'd act as if he knew people on the street, but I don't know if that's true. Either way, the thought of possibly having someone lurking or watching me is incredibly aggravating because I'm trying so hard to forget about him. I actually told him that and maybe I shouldn't have.

Again, why do they do it? Should I be super alarmed?

Then say you don’t appreciate him moving close to your building and it’d be an insensible and insensitive thing to do. If he can casually remark like this surely you also have a voice? 

Obsessive individuals, stalkers and other deviant behaviour is kneejerk and involves other mental health issues deeper than what you’re required to understand. It doesn’t matter what they are. If you don’t like it speak up. Just avoid these people and find your voice. Make it very clear his presence is unwanted and then have good boundaries and boot them out of your life. This means they take up no space in your head either and any contact is finished and over. 

 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

Thanks for the responses. I have spoken up. I also didn’t freak out though. 
 

We broke up for a few reasons. Main reason was that I just no longer felt we were right for each other. Some of our differences (IMO) were non negotiable for me.  Like some of his jealousy and passive aggression, expectations and habits, etc. And some direct aggression in his interaction with people in general. 
 

We were cordial because the breakup was gradual and we’re not enemies AND to be transparent, my boundaries were not as hard as they should’ve been. We shared a dog and did so many things together it was hard and still kind of is. But I’ve made difficult decisions before in life, so I’m just dealing with this as best as I can. So is he I guess, albeit not very logically at times.

[stillafool]

When I've broken up with exes I try not to be places where I know they will be.  If one told me he was actually "trying" to move down the street from me I would politely ask him not to and move someplace else.  I wouldn't spend time wondering why they do what they do because no one can read their minds.  When it's over, it's over and it's best to just move on with your throughts and person.

[ladyeatinggreens20]

21 hours ago, stillafool said:

When I've broken up with exes I try not to be places where I know they will be.  If one told me he was actually "trying" to move down the street from me I would politely ask him not to and move someplace else.  I wouldn't spend time wondering why they do what they do because no one can read their minds.  When it's over, it's over and it's best to just move on with your throughts and person.

Yeah, of course I told him it’s not a good idea to move near me. He already knows that. However, like I can’t read peoples minds, I can’t  control where a grown man decides to move… I can move though. Not sure how soon because there’s a such thing called a “lease”  and increases in rent this year, so…

And of course we can’t read their minds. I’m just trying to gain insight on whether or not I should be more concerned and if there’s a profile for men who may be similar to my ex.

Thanks for your reply.

Edited August 22, 2022 by ladyeatinggreens20

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

I’m just trying to gain insight on whether or not I should be more concerned and if there’s a profile for men who may be similar to my ex

Yes you should be concerned because he's purposely moving into your area and invading your privacy.  You've already mentioned he has jealousy issues and direct aggression with people in general.  If he hasn't already moved you should be putting up such a stink about it he would be having second thoughts by now.

[mark clemson]

It's a form of revenge and/or abuse, apparently -

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201306/in-the-mind-stalker

https://www.vice.com/en/article/3k94wj/psychology-of-stalking-treatment

 

Believe the links above are legit, but in case they're not/get removed by moderators, you can do an internet search on "psychology of stalkers" or similar to read about these folks' "issues".

Edited August 22, 2022 by mark clemson

[glows]

On 8/21/2022 at 9:22 AM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Thanks for the responses. I have spoken up. I also didn’t freak out though. 
 

We broke up for a few reasons. Main reason was that I just no longer felt we were right for each other. Some of our differences (IMO) were non negotiable for me.  Like some of his jealousy and passive aggression, expectations and habits, etc. And some direct aggression in his interaction with people in general. 
 

We were cordial because the breakup was gradual and we’re not enemies AND to be transparent, my boundaries were not as hard as they should’ve been. We shared a dog and did so many things together it was hard and still kind of is. But I’ve made difficult decisions before in life, so I’m just dealing with this as best as I can. So is he I guess, albeit not very logically at times.

It sounds like you’re struggling with the break up still. Wean yourself off decoding and trying to interpret what his actions mean.

The relationship is over. Let go. Each time you feel compelled to go down this similar rabbithole learn to redirect your thoughts and energies to more productive things. It’s reconditioning your brain and it doesn’t matter whether you want to or not or how difficult it is. Just do it anyway and tell yourself it’s ok to move on.

[Wiseman2]

On 8/21/2022 at 12:22 PM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

We were cordial because the breakup was gradual and we’re not enemies AND to be transparent, my boundaries were not as hard as they should’ve been. We shared a dog and did so many things together it was hard and still kind of is.

You need to delete and block him, otherwise the encouragement of chitchat is not considered 'stalking' or trying to unilaterally suck you back into a relationship.. For example, you would be better off not getting in conversations  with him about where he lives, dogs etc. The relationship is over so you need to make a clean break.

[glows]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to delete and block him, otherwise the encouragement of chitchat is not considered 'stalking' or trying to unilaterally suck you back into a relationship.. For example, you would be better off not getting in conversations  with him about where he lives, dogs etc. The relationship is over so you need to make a clean break.

Agree. 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

4 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds like you’re struggling with the break up still. Wean yourself off decoding and trying to interpret what his actions mean.

The relationship is over. Let go. Each time you feel compelled to go down this similar rabbithole learn to redirect your thoughts and energies to more productive things. It’s reconditioning your brain and it doesn’t matter whether you want to or not or how difficult it is. Just do it anyway and tell yourself it’s ok to move on.

Yep…you’re right. I am struggling. And I agree that I need to redirect my thoughts. I’m trying and it’s gotten a bit better. 

 

 

[ladyeatinggreens20]

5 hours ago, alwayscurious said:

Redirecting your thoughts will definitely help as will TIME.  You can do it just take things day by day

Yes I hope so.  Having a somewhat challenging evening of lingering  thoughts… Knowing he’s nearby isn’t a good feeling.

[glows]

On 8/22/2022 at 3:45 PM, ladyeatinggreens20 said:

Yep…you’re right. I am struggling. And I agree that I need to redirect my thoughts. I’m trying and it’s gotten a bit better. 

 

 

It takes time. Hang in there. 

Edited August 27, 2022 by glows

[ladyeatinggreens20]

On 8/27/2022 at 9:27 AM, glows said:

It takes time. Hang in there. 

Thanks. I’m trying.