Stuck in the middle? New wife and parents hate each other!

[littlekitty]

"Leaving and Cleaving" all sounds very logical and sensible, but has anyone considered the repercussions? The biggest one of all is, of course, NOT BEING HAPPY.

 

Who ever told you life was going to be a bunch of roses?! We don't all get to be happy all the time. Blimey I wish we did!

 

You've sat on this fence for so damn long now you must have huge splinters in your arse!! Get off the damn fence.

 

Stop sitting in the middle doing a poor me act and hoping it will sort itself out. It will not.

 

You have to make some move towards action..! I think although you love your parents, you must see their level of control is not appropriate. They didn't like that your wife wanted to arrange her own wedding. I know what I've have told them if I was her.. it would have been poilte, but pointed out!! Time to stick by the women you married, and let your parents figure it out for themselves.

[ehehef]

You have to make some move towards action..! I think although you love your parents, you must see their level of control is not appropriate. They didn't like that your wife wanted to arrange her own wedding..

 

Action, action, action... everyone talks about action. Yet the fact that I'm writing in here doesn't mean I'm not doing anything. As a therapist told me around this time last year: "Even inaction is a form of action". Meaning that I do stand by my woman, and the fact that this has all come up is, as I said, the result of either my parents complaining or me bringing up the topic myself (wish I could've kicked myself in the butt beforehand!) in order to "make them see" that I'm suffering.

 

I'm not angry but allow me to raise my voice: SO WHAT THE HE** DO I DO????? What is my "move towards action"? How can I confront my parents about this when they're not really doing anything to us right now (just leaving us alone, really). Can you make a sixty-year old person admit his mistake? They're so set in their ways I think they would rather keep things the way they are rather than use the word 'sorry'.

 

Everyone says to take my wife's side. Well, considering the seriousness of the situation the fact that I'm still with her means that I'm on her side (is there any other viewpoint?). Except that once in a while my sentimentality flares up and I get disappointed at not having the life/marriage I wanted. Happens to the best of us, right?

 

Maybe I'm just a bit TOO sensitive. I've been told that in the past.

[littlekitty]

Action, action, action... everyone talks about action. Yet the fact that I'm writing in here doesn't mean I'm not doing anything. As a therapist told me around this time last year: "Even inaction is a form of action". Meaning that I do stand by my woman, and the fact that this has all come up is, as I said, the result of either my parents complaining or me bringing up the topic myself (wish I could've kicked myself in the butt beforehand!) in order to "make them see" that I'm suffering.

 

I'm not angry but allow me to raise my voice: SO WHAT THE HE** DO I DO????? What is my "move towards action"? How can I confront my parents about this when they're not really doing anything to us right now (just leaving us alone, really). Can you make a sixty-year old person admit his mistake? They're so set in their ways I think they would rather keep things the way they are rather than use the word 'sorry'.

 

Everyone says to take my wife's side. Well, considering the seriousness of the situation the fact that I'm still with her means that I'm on her side (is there any other viewpoint?). Except that once in a while my sentimentality flares up and I get disappointed at not having the life/marriage I wanted. Happens to the best of us, right?

 

Maybe I'm just a bit TOO sensitive. I've been told that in the past.

 

Ok, well perhaps you've taken the therapists words to much to heart?! Because I'm not seeing the type of actions I would want to see? (This is just my opinion!)

 

I don't see that your parents will ever admit they have a part of the blame in this. It's unlikely. But you do have the ability to act. You can tell them the way it is, and the way it's going to be from now on. Then they can either to chose to hold out the olive branch, or stay away. You aren't making any choices it seems to me right now. You're just letting it go on around you?! You were seeing your parents, without your wife, all be it. Then they argued with you, so now they're staying away again. At what point in that have you made a choice or taken an action? You need to do something. Find the strength from somewhere and do it. I think once you realise you can do it, you can stand up to everyone, that you'll find it wasn't as hard as you thought!

 

The action you take is up to you? I presume you are unhappy since you're not seeing your parents. How is your wife currently feeling about the situation?

 

Here's a for instance:

 

First, tell your parents that if they can not forgive and forget past issues with your wife and hold out an olive branch then you feel you must cut contact with them for the time being. That the strain that it is putting on your family is too much and you are not prepared to accept it. Explain that neither side was in the right, but that you feel you must support your wife now. That you are married and you intend to up hold that.

 

Next let your wife know you've taken action. Let her see you chosing her? If you haven't done that yet you should do it. Just sticking in the middle as you seem to have done probably hasn't reassured her the way she would like. She wants to see you say, 'I will stand by my wife'. Does that make sense? Not just be chose by the fact that she's there, by obligation.

 

What will this cost you? Your parents probably for some time. Hopefully, eventually they would realise it to be in their best interests to make some moves towards reconciliation. I know you don't want to loose your parents, but if you don't try this solution to see how much happier you can be, then you'll never know?

 

I understand your pain, frustration and desire for a happy family. Unfortunately you missed this issue when you married. So now you have to accept the consequences and find a solution. Do you want to remain controlled by your parents, or build a family and future of your own making?

[ehehef]

The action you take is up to you? I presume you are unhappy since you're not seeing your parents. How is your wife currently feeling about the situation? /QUOTE]

 

Just to clarify, nobody is staying away: I AM seeing my parents still, and about as much as I would have been seeing them if I was living on my own in the same city. I'm just not seeing them with my wife, not since the last argument they had over six months ago.

 

In fact, even after the small 'argument' I had with my father a few days ago, we got together for lunch the next day and chatted as if nothing has happened. I think one person's argument is another person's 'discussion'! Even today I'm going to visit them (as I do about once a week) and I'm sure we'll be as if nothing is wrong -- they're always glad to see me, treat me nicely and we discuss whatever is going on in our lives.

 

My wife is far too busy and exhausted with other things in her life (work, a new house, etc.) to get involved with this issue. She is angry though that I somehow expect things to change on their own (she has told me so), and she insists that things won't change beause of any action on HER part, since she's not responsible for the situation. So I'm keeping her out of it, though I have told her that I want to talk to her about it at some point but because I love her and don't want to add to her stress I'm keeping my mouth shut for now.

[catgirl1927]

You said your parents didn't like your last girlfriend either? It may be that your parents aren't going to like anyone you're with, simply because it takes attention away from them. I have some experience with crazed, controlling parents, and your situation sounds like your parents want things to be they way they were when you were a child, and they were in complete control, and there were no adults but them. Never seeing your wife again sounds like exactly what your parents want. They are obviously more important to you than she is because you allow them to basically make her disappear any time they want.

 

This is going to be really ugly when kids get involved, because your parents are going to want to be in charge of those kids. They're going to want to keep the kids when your wife isn't around so they can turn them against her too. I don't think they'll stop until your wife is gone, just like they did with your last girlfriend.

[ehehef]

Never seeing your wife again sounds like exactly what your parents want..

,

 

If this is true, then why do I care about 'convincing' them? Even my own father, when I directly asked him if he could put up with my wife for my sake, answered, "I love you, but even I have limits as to what I can do for you." How supportive! They are ADAMANT about feeling wronged by my wife and it doesn't help that apparently most friends, relatives, etc. who have heard their side of the story support them (very few people, except this forum, have heard MY side of the story!)

 

One flaw I have is that I forget easily: which means that if I speak to my parents, they can remind me things my wife said in that last argument that were insulting to them and out of line. Similarly, my wife can remind me of things my parents said to her that were just as damaging. Me, I guess I don't want to remember the details, so I don't bother. Which means I have no 'ammunition' to back up my position when I fight with my parents or wife about the situation.

 

Has anyone else felt that in an argument you can't avoid sounding like you're a mouthpiece for someone else, instead of actually stating your own position?

[catgirl1927]

Well, maybe you're wasting your time trying to convince them. You're driving yourself crazy, I'm not sure it's going to work. Ever.

 

I agree with the other posters. The only thing that's going to work is an ultimatum.

 

Your father said there are limits to what he'll do for you. Ok, fine. Here's the deal. She's my wife. Love me, love her. Hate her, don't see me. Get it?

 

And to your wife, they are my parents, I love them, you have to get along with them.

 

Will one of the two pick a fight? Oh yeah. Will they drag you through the middle of it? For sure. What do you do then? Whoever picked the fight is out.

 

She met your parents before you guys married, and vice versa. She doesn't have to stand there and be insulted and assaulted by your parents, but she can't pick on them either. The same goes for your parents. Who loves you enough to make a REAL effort to get along? There's only one way to find out, and then your choice will be clear.

 

It's harsh, but man, you're being torn apart here. Just make a choice. You're the only one who can stop all this sniping. And for Christ's sake, do it BEFORE there are kids involved. Don't bring a baby into this nightmare.

[littlekitty]

Just to clarify, nobody is staying away: I AM seeing my parents still, and about as much as I would have been seeing them if I was living on my own in the same city. I'm just not seeing them with my wife, not since the last argument they had over six months ago.

 

In fact, even after the small 'argument' I had with my father a few days ago, we got together for lunch the next day and chatted as if nothing has happened. I think one person's argument is another person's 'discussion'! Even today I'm going to visit them (as I do about once a week) and I'm sure we'll be as if nothing is wrong -- they're always glad to see me, treat me nicely and we discuss whatever is going on in our lives.

 

My wife is far too busy and exhausted with other things in her life (work, a new house, etc.) to get involved with this issue. She is angry though that I somehow expect things to change on their own (she has told me so), and she insists that things won't change beause of any action on HER part, since she's not responsible for the situation. So I'm keeping her out of it, though I have told her that I want to talk to her about it at some point but because I love her and don't want to add to her stress I'm keeping my mouth shut for now.

 

So in effect, currently, the only issue is that life isn't the way you wanted it to be, and that stresses you out and upsets you sometimes?

 

So maybe the answer is... acceptance? Maybe you just have to accept the situation isn't what you'd wish.

 

Your parents and your wife aren't particually unhappy with the situation as it seems? Or am I wrong?

 

CG has a good point about children though. When that happens, if you left all as the current status quo, you will find yourself with a much bigger issue on your hands. Your parents will want to control your children like they do you, and couldn't your wife.

 

Do you accept that your parents are controlling?

[Kenyth]

Bud, you and me are a lot alike, except I"m a few years further down the road. You've been bullied and pushed around your whole life. I gather your parents AND your wife push you around. Your coping mechanisms are ill suited for this. Get out of the middle and let them sort it out amongst themselves. You can't reason anyone out of this. There's not going to be an epiphany resulting in the angels singing and this all going away.

[blind_otter]

I learned, from being in abusive relationships, that if something bad happens, like an argument, or an incident, if you smooth it over, and hang out the next day like nothing happened, you're basically giving them the unspoken message that what they did was OK, and you are fine with it.

 

If it involves you, that's cool. As long as you do feel fine with it. But I guess when they make comments about your wife, and then you just smooth it over and act like everything is ok, your parents feel that you are ultimately not going to allow them to continue belittling her. This is JMO.

 

From what I've read you have a really close relationship with your parents but don't see how they behave badly. I am really really REALLY close to my Dad. I love him loads, I think he is the best thing since sliced bread. But the thing is that he has always accepted me regardless of my choices. He knows it's my life, I deal with the fallout, no one else. So although some things I have done definatley made him sad, he never attempted to control the decisions I made to govern my own life. See what I'm saying?

 

I understand being close to a parent. I just don't get how you can accept them trying to interfere with your personal choices. Or judging them, even.

[littlekitty]

I learned, from being in abusive relationships, that if something bad happens, like an argument, or an incident, if you smooth it over, and hang out the next day like nothing happened, you're basically giving them the unspoken message that what they did was OK, and you are fine with it.

 

If it involves you, that's cool. As long as you do feel fine with it. But I guess when they make comments about your wife, and then you just smooth it over and act like everything is ok, your parents feel that you are ultimately not going to allow them to continue belittling her. This is JMO.

 

From what I've read you have a really close relationship with your parents but don't see how they behave badly. I am really really REALLY close to my Dad. I love him loads, I think he is the best thing since sliced bread. But the thing is that he has always accepted me regardless of my choices. He knows it's my life, I deal with the fallout, no one else. So although some things I have done definatley made him sad, he never attempted to control the decisions I made to govern my own life. See what I'm saying?

 

I understand being close to a parent. I just don't get how you can accept them trying to interfere with your personal choices. Or judging them, even.

 

Great post BO. And well said. I particually agree with the first paragraph.

[hooghie]

I haven't read all of the posts so please forgive me if I'm repeating advice given.

 

BUT.......

From what I've read- everyone is telling you to choose your wife if you have to choose. I disagree. Your family has always been there for you and does love you. No matter what happens- your parents will always love you and be there for you. Spend some time looking at divorce rates and the relationship forums here to see the likelihood of the same being true with your wife.

 

You say most people agree with your parents. your parents don't seem like eveil people- they want a close relationship with you and they have certain expectations from your wife.

 

Now, before your wife married you- she knw what your relationship with your family is and she CHOSE to marry you anyway. If she married you with the hope of one day cutting you off from your family- that is messed up.

 

You KNEW how your wife is with her family and you said your family and her didn't get along- you CHOSE TO MARRY HER ANYWAY. What did you think would happen to the problems?

 

I think your parents DO need to realize that you are married now and older and it's not just the 3 of you anymore. BUT- your wife needs to be a little less selfish and stop trying to control your relationship with your parents.

 

You really are a pushover on both ends. Your parents are older, rasied you and deserve a little legroom- not as much as you give them, but a little. Your wife on the other hand is your equal and shouldn't put this pressure on you if she loves you.

[SoleMate]

Please read the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It's the single most effective self-help book I have ever encountered. He helps you realize that your feelings (of happiness or sadness) are NOT caused by external events, but by your emotional reaction to those events. Often that reaction is based on illogical thinking. When you correct the erroneous thoughts, you greatly ease the negative feelings.

 

One of your erroneous thoughts is, "I can only be happy if my parents and wife are emotionally close to each other, and we visit my parents every week." I know that SEEMS true to you right now...but objectively, it's not.

 

I use this technique myself, many times per day, and it is far and away the best way to cope with the kind of down feelings and disappointments you are currently experiencing.

[Guest]

Have you ever realised how your wife will be feeling?It seems to me that you are more concern about how your parents are feeling about the situation rather than your wife.Everyone here have given good advices but still you are admanant to any of it.

 

I think your wife is being very patient with you..if it were me i would have reacted differently and would have given up long time back.And no not because my h parents don't like me or anything of that sort but because my h didn't have the balls to do anything..

[ehehef]

Please read the Feeling Good Handbook by David Burns. It's the single most effective self-help book I have ever encountered. He helps you realize that your feelings (of happiness or sadness) are NOT caused by external events, but by your emotional reaction to those events. Often that reaction is based on illogical thinking. When you correct the erroneous thoughts, you greatly ease the negative feelings.

 

One of your erroneous thoughts is, "I can only be happy if my parents and wife are emotionally close to each other, and we visit my parents every week." I know that SEEMS true to you right now...but objectively, it's not.

 

How is that thought not true or not right? Sounds like a very interesting theory, is that book available anywhere to download (where I live I'd have to order it online and it'll take weeks to get here)?

 

The questions is how to identify those erroneous thoughts on our own when we're right in the thick of things, right in the middle?

 

I believe that if my desire for a "perfect arrangement" wasn't so strong, if I could control it somehow, then I would be far more relaxed and accepting of the situation.

 

Is anyone surprised that I've been used to getting what I want in life, being a (slightly) spoiled only child? :-))

[Kenyth]

You have to ACCEPT that you CAN'T control other people. You also have to comfort yourself with the fact that it's not your responsibility to solve other peoples relationship problems.

[ehehef]

You have to ACCEPT that you CAN'T control other people. You also have to comfort yourself with the fact that it's not your responsibility to solve other peoples relationship problems.

 

I can accept that, it's actually easy for me because I consider myself a logical person.

 

What I find very hard to accept is my lack of inaction earlier on, and wondering where we'd be now if I had actually stepped in way back in the beginning (when I saw tension building) and said to my parents, "hey, this is my wife, respect her feelings and opnions, take it or leave it" and to my wife "hey, this is how my parents are, we can't change them, take it or leave it".

 

Come to think of it, I guess saying all that now to both of them wouldn't hurt, would it?

 

In short, I blame myself for not keeping the peace between them and not helping to avoid conflicts and tension between my wife and father... because the argument that happened afterwards was just an excuse for both sides to bring up everything that bothers them, and that's why they don't want any contact anymore.

[sumdude]

Man, you're obsessed with this!

 

Just let things be as they are for now. Accept that you cannot change your parents, your wife or the past. Don't even try to take sides anymore. Love , and support your wife and maintain a relationship with your parents too.

 

Put the idea of everyone getting along in the "Wouldn't it be nice" pile, sorta like world peace. Believe it or not these sort of issues are more the norm than everyone in an extended family getting along. Most big family events I go to there are at least 6 people who hate each others guts for one reason or another.

[SoleMate]

David Burns has a Feeling Good web site. I'm sure it has some info on it. Please also see a list of common cognitive distortions at http://healthymind.com/s-distortions.html

 

Your first assignment is to identify the cognitive distortions in the following thought, "I can only be happy if my parents and wife are emotionally close to each other, and we visit my parents every week." It really is best for you to do this for yourself. I can comment on your result if you like.

[ehehef]

Let's analyze this a bit, shall we?

 

Could it be I'm thinking TOO much about this issue? As an only child, I've long been spoiled and had pretty much whatever I wanted in life, and faced few major disappointments. And I'm generally a sensitive person -- if I have a heated argument with someone about something (which I might call a 'fight' and someone else might call a 'discussion'), I feel affected by it for days afterwards.

 

In short, maybe I'm letting myself get upset and frustrated with this issue, instead of just letting it go, since fixing it isn't entirely within my power.

 

Perhaps I get too affected by my father's words, who claims that only _I_ can fix the situation now (by talking to my wife) rather than him doing anything about it. And I'm VERY susceptible to guilt or blame from my parents, even at my age.

 

SoleMate, what are the 'cognitive distortions' in the statement that "I can only be happy if my parents and wife are emotionally close to each other, and we visit my parents every week." ?? Could it be that getting stuck so strongly on that thought might be wrong? And how?

[SoleMate]

SoleMate, what are the 'cognitive distortions' in the statement that "I can only be happy if my parents and wife are emotionally close to each other, and we visit my parents every week." ?? Could it be that getting stuck so strongly on that thought might be wrong? And how?

 

Please read the book and do the work. It really is best for you to do this for yourself.

[mrscrawdad0503]

You need to be the man here and stand upto your parents. I am going throught the same thing with my in-laws. They talked about me from day one and a few weeks ago I finally got tired of it and told them how I feel. Now I have nothing to do with them and they believe, of course, that I am a B***h. This wouldn't have happened if my husband would have stood up to them from the beginning. Your wife is to be your best friend....not your parents. Tell her everything....not them. She is to be first in your life. You took vows with her......not them. They need to get their own lives. Taking their side and not standing up for your wife will only hurt her more and tear apart your marriage......which is supposed to be your first priority. It's hard to do, but if you want a good marriage and to stay married, then you must do it. Good Luck!!