Lost interest Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 I do not like my stepson. He does not like me. My husband and I are having a family party and there was no mention of his son being invited. Found out today my husband did invite him with out telling me. I don’t want him at my home and it is my home. I don’t want to be nice to him. What to do? Some of the recent reasons I don’t like him is he is a freeloader. He never pays for anything or pays for any damage he does. He is sloppy and super lazy. He was at my home staying in the guest house a year ago. He broke a $600 lamp, he broke dishes, he left half of his old car seats in my garage, he brought his bulldog and I ended up having to board my little Pomeranians for their safety. His doesn’t clean up after his dog. We were invited to our friends house for dinner and he got drunk and embarrassed me to death. I have had 30 years of his bullshit and I am done. My husband is disable and does nothing at home, so everything is my job and we have a large place. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 This is an issue between you and your husband more than it is between you and your step son. What does your husband say when you bring up these issues? Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 He's your husband's son. Unless your husband also can't stand him, you can't expect him to exclude his own son from family gatherings. If he wanted to move in, or go on a vacation with you, I would be on your side. This is a party. He's not likely to have an opportunity to freeload. Don't invite his dog. The long and short of it is that you have to endure this person to some extent in your life. I'm sorry, though. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 2 hours ago, Lost interest said: Found out today my husband did invite him with out telling me. I have had 30 years of his bullshit and I am done. My husband is disable and does nothing at home. How long have you been married? It sounds like you resent your husband. How long ahs he been disabled? Are you his primary caretaker? If the son does things like get inebriated tell your husband to ask him not not come. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 29, 2022 Share Posted July 29, 2022 2 hours ago, Lost interest said: I do not like my stepson. He does not like me. My husband and I are having a family party and there was no mention of his son being invited. Found out today my husband did invite him with out telling me. I don’t want him at my home and it is my home. I don’t want to be nice to him. What to do? Some of the recent reasons I don’t like him is he is a freeloader. He never pays for anything or pays for any damage he does. He is sloppy and super lazy. He was at my home staying in the guest house a year ago. He broke a $600 lamp, he broke dishes, he left half of his old car seats in my garage, he brought his bulldog and I ended up having to board my little Pomeranians for their safety. His doesn’t clean up after his dog. We were invited to our friends house for dinner and he got drunk and embarrassed me to death. I have had 30 years of his bullshit and I am done. My husband is disable and does nothing at home, so everything is my job and we have a large place. Your husband more or less deceived you and wasn’t open about inviting him or discussing it with you first. It’s that detail that would be most bothersome and make me pause. There’s poor communication and not enough respect for one another. If the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree, it would explain a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 22 hours ago, Lost interest said: there was no mention of his son being invited. Found out today my husband did invite him with out telling me. Have you previously discussed (and agreed) with your husband that his son would no longer be included in anything at your home? If not, I don't think your husband deceived you. 22 hours ago, Lost interest said: I don’t want him at my home and it is my home. Is it also your husband's home, or do you feel it's only yours for some reason (you paid for it, etc.)? 22 hours ago, Lost interest said: My husband is disable and does nothing at home, so everything is my job and we have a large place. It seems that you feel you should have the final say, that your husband is also kind of a "freeloader". 22 hours ago, Lost interest said: I don’t want to be nice to him. What to do? You don't have to be nice to him, but that doesn't mean the only alternative is to be hostile or forbid him from coming. Your feelings are certainly legitimate, they are yours and only you know everything that has led up to them. I understand not wanting to see him and fearing he may embarrass you again in front of your friends. I just don't think it's reasonable, without your husband's cooperation, to completely ban his son from visiting your home for a few hours. The "without your husband's cooperation" is the key part of my response. Talk to your husband. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 (edited) You want what you want, and clearly he is a problem. However, it isn't reasonable to expect someone to never see their own kid unless they've decided that too. If this party has nothing to do with family, it's realistic to ask your husband to ask him not to come. If it's a family gathering that's less fair/reasonable unless it's all/only folks on your side. Speaking generally, it would probably be useful to find a different place where your husband can (safely, if he is disabled) spend time with his son occasionally if that's at all possible. Maybe a local community center of some kind that has facilities/help for disabled folks? IF you can find something like that or an equally viable alternative, they might also have more luck enforcing reasonable rules on the son. Edited July 30, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 On 7/29/2022 at 12:55 PM, Lost interest said: I do not like my stepson. He does not like me. My husband and I are having a family party and there was no mention of his son being invited. Found out today my husband did invite him with out telling me. This is the problem..... not enough communication between you and your husband. You left it unsaid and assumed his stepson would not be invited. You didn't explicitly have a discussion that you don't want his stepson in the house. If his stepson is such an awful person, then you need to have a talk with your husband about what exactly the ground rules are. Is the stepson banned from the house, or what? Will your husband agree to that? And if not, this is an issue between you and your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 (edited) As it is your home your husband’s omission or not informing you he invited his son who has been an issue on more than one occasion is deceiving. To me, it says clearly that even though is been an inconvenience and has damaged your property in the past, your husband still did not care nor have the courtesy to tell you he has invited his son - the actual source of past grievances. It may be different if he was just obnoxious or embarrassing company to have, and I would think even such company deserves checking with a spouse on whether it’s ok to have over. That he has caused some serious issues in the past (with you and also damaged your home) makes it a different matter. It’s quite self-explanatory he is not welcome especially that your spouse knows how you feel about him. You’ll have to talk about this with your husband. I have a strong feeling he didn’t tell you because he disagrees with you and doesn’t want to argue with you. You both aren’t in agreement and I don’t think it was appropriate that he invited his son in this instance knowing or having those issues in the past whenever he’s been over. It’s also not reasonable to expect that his son never come over at all or his relationship with his son suffers. Edited July 30, 2022 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 On 7/29/2022 at 9:55 AM, Lost interest said: What to do? Uninvite him... Call the stepson up and tell him that his father made a mistake and he is not welcome at this gathering and DO NOT COME!! (I am making the assumption the stepson is an adult over the age of 18) As for his stuff in the garage, inform him (in writing) he has 30 days to have a moving company remove the items otherwise you'll have it hauled away. I assume from the past tense of your opening post, that he is no longer living in the guest house. Do not invite or rent to him again. If he becomes homeless, he can live in the car he removed the seats from. Point him in the direction of some Bureau of Land Management land, he can go live in his car and freeload on public land. You do not have to have your life turned upside down by another adult, be it stepson or otherwise. (I am assuming he has legal capacity and has not been deemed legally incompetent) If the stepson wants to visit with his father go to a neutral location... Take your husband to a park, recreation area, picnic area (something along those lines) and they can visit with one another and you can then take your husband home (when finished). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 21 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Uninvite him... Call the stepson up and tell him that his father made a mistake and he is not welcome at this gathering and DO NOT COME!! (I am making the assumption the stepson is an adult over the age of 18) Why would it be a unilateral decision of a step parent to permanently ban their spouse's adult children from the marital home? Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Why would it be a unilateral decision of a step parent to permanently ban their spouse's adult children from the marital home? If the stepson knew how to behave and present himself like a gentleman, I would agree with you. But this (adult) individual has no respect for his step-mother nor her property and thus has forfeited any privilege in the home. Turning the tables, why does the father get to unilaterally invite the stepson knowing the trauma the stepson has caused his wife. You don't subject your wife/girlfriend to unpleasant circumstances in the comfort of their home. The father (being disabled) should ask the wife to take him to a neutral location & drop him off, if he wants to see/visit with his son for a couple of hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: If the stepson knew how to behave and present himself like a gentleman, I would agree with you. But this (adult) individual has no respect for his step-mother nor her property and thus has forfeited any privilege in the home. This has been going on 30 years. When you marry someone with kids, the kids are part of the package. If you can’t stand the kid, get a divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 3 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: Turning the tables, why does the father get to unilaterally invite the stepson knowing the trauma the stepson has caused his wife. You don't subject your wife/girlfriend to unpleasant circumstances in the comfort of their home. It's not unilateral. It needs to be worked out between the couple. But if you marry someone with children, you have signed up for those children. That's a given. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: This has been going on 30 years. When you marry someone with kids, the kids are part of the package. If you can’t stand the kid, get a divorce. This is not a kid... He is NOT a minor. This is an adult that needs to grow up and be an independent & respectful individual. Edited July 31, 2022 by Happy Lemming Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 15 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: It's not unilateral. It needs to be worked out between the couple. But if you marry someone with children, you have signed up for those children. That's a given. At some point it is not the responsibility of a parent to deal with or take care of an adult child. Once the child is 18, he is a legal adult and should act like one. The wife certainly shouldn't be dealing with his adult child that refuses to grow up and who trashes their home and disrespects her. She didn't sign up for that. If you break something you replace it, if your dog makes a mess you clean it up, you certainly don't leave trash behind when you move out. This "child" appears to be more of a man-child that refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 Since it seems the son moved out already, the issue right now seems to be whether or not he's allowed to come to the party - presumably not an event where he will trash the place, leave more stuff in the garage, or bring the dog to make a mess. This is an event that will presumably last no more than a few hours and then he will leave along with all the other guests. So it comes down to whether he's banned from ever even entering the house again. That's what the discussion with the husband should be about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 OP, reading between the lines, you resent your husband a lot, too. This is not just about his son. You and your husband evidently aren't communicating well if you had no idea his son was coming to this party and he didn't know his son was not allowed at your house. You also say this is your home - is it not your husband's home too? This appears to be a very "me versus him" battle lighting up, and you sound angry at the both of them. What does your husband say about you banning his son from the house? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 (edited) @ExpatInItaly 's thoughts are much the same as mine. What stands out to me is the huge disconnect between you and your husband. This is the kind of issue which should have been worked out between you long ago. What does your husband say about his son? While he may have invited the son to a family event, does he broadly agree with your concerns? How would you describe the state of the marriage? And what of your husband not helping around the house....you mention that he's disabled - is he lazy or is he unable to help and you're feeling overwhelmed? As for this event in particular, I would say that when it comes to family parties, the default is to invite all of the family. That's not to say that the default can't be changed, but it needs to be negotiated between you and your husband. Thing is, if you start banning family members, there could also be fallout from the rest of the family and this needs to be negotiated too. All in all, it sounds like the two of you are both trying to make unilateral decisions...and when a marriage gets to this point, it doesn't bode well. Edited July 31, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 31, 2022 Share Posted July 31, 2022 14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Why would it be a unilateral decision of a step parent to permanently ban their spouse's adult children from the marital home? Unfortunately because it was a unilateral decision to invite him. Agree under normal circumstances, this makes no sense, but if the son is a troublemaker and the father can't manage it, there needs to be agreement on boundaries rather than inviting him behind her back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JRabbit Posted August 10, 2022 Share Posted August 10, 2022 Its very sad after 30 years you don't see yourself as this persons mother. Even if they are a monster now, were they always a monster? Was there ever a family dynamic there? 30 years is such a long time, the label of step son should be long gone by them. My step father is a father to me and it hasn't been 30 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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