Having Doubts

[aequanimis]

Hi everyone. 

I've been struggling with some doubts that I've been having about my current relationship. My partner and I have been together for almost 5 years. When we first started dating, we lived an hour away from each other. About a year after, I moved 500 miles away to go to college in another city and we agreed to be long distance. We had a plan to move in together once I graduated college. He was uncertain about what he wanted to do with his life, but he wanted to figure it out and find a stable profession/career by the time I graduated so we could begin our life together. I've always told him that I didn't care if he had a career or not, but I supported him fully regardless of what he pursued.

For the most part, over these past 5 years, our relationship has been really great. I feel like he's my best friend, and I trust him more than anyone in this world (even my family). I feel like our beliefs really align with each other's and like we could build a really nice life together. We have so much fun together. There's some problems that we have for sure, but nothing has really made me want to leave. I feel like he loves me and I love him. However, recently, I've been having some doubts. I've just graduated and found a job in a city that's ~5 hours away from our respective hometowns. He had been saying for the past 5 years that he wanted to go to college and get a certification or a degree. Some family stuff happened that held him back from going to school for 2 years, and he did try to become a firefighter in 2019. He decided that wasn't right for him though and decided not to complete the program. From 2019 to the beginning of 2021, he wanted to try and find a program that he felt passionate about to pursue. He eventually chose to pursue an IT certification program in summer of 2021, and I helped map out how he should go about enrolling in his local community college. He's always been a procrastinator, but he really put off doing it until basically May of 2022 and took a summer class to jump-start it. Since the program takes a year to complete, he asked me if we could postpone our plans to move in together for another year because he just needs to do this and then we can start our life together. 

I know it's just a year, but this kicked off a ton of weird emotions in me that I've been trying to figure out. I said it was fine, but I did voice that I was a little disappointed that our plans were changing. I know plans change, but we'd be long distance again for another year and that's been difficult for me to come to terms with. I've been spending these past two months in my hometown and regularly visiting him, which only makes me further dread being long distance. I've also been struggling with feeling alone. We talk a lot about our future together, and while I've been apartment hunting for new job, he mentions that he'd prefer if I got an apartment with ___ ammenity or that I should go ahead and get a more expensive apartment because he'll be there soon to split the rent with me. This frustrates me because I feel like I'm planning my future with someone I'm not sure is going to be there. 

I've tried to voice some of my doubts, but he gets upset and says he doesn't want to lose me over something like this and it makes me feel bad. He says he'll just drop out of his classes and move in with me if it'll make me happy, which I don't want because it was already so much work to get him enrolled in the college and he's did really well in his summer class. He's struggled so much with feeling inferior to me because of my degree, and we've worked so hard together to build his confidence in himself that I'm worried we'd revert back to before. But I'm not sure if I can take another year of being long-distance and I want someone that I can rely on and live my life with. We do have a great connection, and I don't want to lose it. Has anyone had similar doubts? Can anyone share some advice?

[S2B]

Plan your future for yourself. If he obtains his goal then you can change things down the line. With that said - don’t get the more expensive apartment now.

you look out for yourself. IF he does what he’s said - then you can plan more after he obtains his goals that help support you.

most women that have to push and push a guy to become self supporting get tired of being in the role as a mommy. Beware.

[glows]

4 hours ago, aequanimis said:

I've tried to voice some of my doubts, but he gets upset and says he doesn't want to lose me over something like this and it makes me feel bad. He says he'll just drop out of his classes and move in with me if it'll make me happy, which I don't want because it was already so much work to get him enrolled in the college and he's did really well in his summer class. He's struggled so much with feeling inferior to me because of my degree, and we've worked so hard together to build his confidence in himself that I'm worried we'd revert back to before. But I'm not sure if I can take another year of being long-distance and I want someone that I can rely on and live my life with. We do have a great connection, and I don't want to lose it. Has anyone had similar doubts? Can anyone share some advice?

This is an incredibly manipulative and backhanded thing to say. It's also financially irresponsible for him to suggest you rent a more expensive apartment or spend more than you need especially when you're moving for a new job and just starting out in a new city. When you try to speak sense or discuss he finds a way to manipulate the conversation so that he guilts you into doing things his way.  

My suggestion is to decide what you want for yourself and focus on your new job. Relationships take work and two people who are compatible or are on the same wavelength, not one breaking the other down while the other tries to hold both of you up. You take a step forward and he pushes you both two steps backwards. Each time you're both making headway, he finds a way to damage what you're both working towards. 

The issue also isn't what type of apartment or how far away you're moving (although long distance is tricky and difficult). It's in the way you both problem solve and work out solutions, respecting and upholding each others' concerns and validating one another, valuing one another's thoughts and opinions. That's the glue that holds couples together - the way you work through life together. You say you struggle with feeling lonely. It’s because you feel alone in a relationship that’s been dysfunctional for some time.

While I hope you both are able to work this out and he comes to his senses, from the behaviour or comments you describe from him, I'm not too sure this will be happening.

Edited July 19, 2022 by glows

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, aequanimis said:

  I want someone that I can rely on and live my life with. We do have a great connection, and I don't want to lose it. 

Sorry this is happening.  How old is he? Unfortunately at some point in distance and incompatible relationships, the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

It's harder to break up when there is no frank animosity however at some point after half a decade of this going nowhere with no light at the end of the tunnel, you'll have to cut your losses.

[aequanimis]

On 7/19/2022 at 5:23 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  How old is he? Unfortunately at some point in distance and incompatible relationships, the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving.

It's harder to break up when there is no frank animosity however at some point after half a decade of this going nowhere with no light at the end of the tunnel, you'll have to cut your losses.

He is 30 and I'm 23. 

I just don't know what to do. It's hard because other than this, we've had a really good time together. We've really grown a lot as people together. But I've started to see him more as a friend than a partner lately and I think it has to do with the change in our long-term plans. 

I told myself that if things still aren't feeling right by the end of the year, I'll end it. I am really stressed out right now with setting up my apartment stuff and my new job, so maybe I just need some time to adjust.

[stillafool]

You shouldn't have to push and do all the work for a 30 year old man.  He's way too old for you btw.  

4 hours ago, aequanimis said:

But I've started to see him more as a friend than a partner lately and I think it has to do with the change in our long-term plans. 

I hope so because you can do better.

[ExpatInItaly]

This man is 30? Wow. 

OP, I hate to break it to you, but if he hasn't already got some ducks in a row at this age, you're in for a constant parent-child dynamic. He souds emotionally immature and not very responsible. This would be a good time for you to really reassess the long-term viability here. 

And don't get an apartment that you can't afford (yet more indication of his lack of adulting skills)  Get whatever apartment you want that suits your budget. I have a feeling that a year from now, you won't be in this relationship anymore anyway. 

[basil67]

@aequanimis at only 23, you're already far more mature than him.  Can you imagine the disparity when you're 33 with a great future and he's 40 and still scratching his rear end?   Honestly, you were more mature straight out of high school than he is now.  

Out of curiosity, who is supporting him financially?   I don't suppose he's living in his mom's basement.....

[Els]

A 30 yo man that needs you to sit down with him and assist in "mapping out" his path through community college (and then procrastinates for a whole year!) is not a man that you want to make long-term plans with. Sorry, but that is my opinion and I feel it quite strongly. Barring extenuating circumstances like him being a refugee from a war-torn country with no experience in navigating modern life, this is quite unacceptable and shows you very clearly who he really is. He will not change. Is that really something that you are OK with?

I was in a LDR with my husband (then boyfriend) for 2 years, when his college studies took him on a different path from mine. I can understand the pain of an LDR, and the hope that carries both people through it. What I cannot understand, is someone faffing around during that period of time, jumping from one career option to another, not making any solid plans to graduate or free themselves up to move. But that is exactly what your partner is doing.

Please think very carefully if this is something that you want. I personally feel like he has been holding you back all this time and giving you almost nothing in return. I suggest you cut the cord, free yourself up to date your peers (rather than a boy that you have to "mother"), and actually enjoy your 20s.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/18/2022 at 11:45 PM, aequanimis said:

 .I've just graduated and found a job in a city that's ~5 hours away from our respective hometowns. 

Take the job. Set yourself free from this go-nowhere situation. You've been trapped in this since age 18. It's time to live your own life and follow your own dreams. He's just dead weight holding you back.

[aequanimis]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

@aequanimis at only 23, you're already far more mature than him.  Can you imagine the disparity when you're 33 with a great future and he's 40 and still scratching his rear end?   Honestly, you were more mature straight out of high school than he is now.  

Out of curiosity, who is supporting him financially?   I don't suppose he's living in his mom's basement.....

Sorry, I should have clarified this a little more in my post. He has been working a full-time job these past 5 years and does financially support himself. He just never felt completely happy with his job and his past work history and wanted to have something he could be proud of, but he suffered a lot from indecisiveness. I was pretty lucky because I knew what I liked ever since I was a kid, so going into my field was an easy decision. I helped a lot with his enrollment process because none of his parents went to college and I was a little more familiar with it with my own college endeavors.

He lives with his parents right now, but I also lived with mine when I was in college. I think he's completely capable of moving out, but he's very close with his family. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with living with family (especially in our current economy). I just wished that he would've taken our future more seriously. 

[aequanimis]

8 hours ago, Elswyth said:

A 30 yo man that needs you to sit down with him and assist in "mapping out" his path through community college (and then procrastinates for a whole year!) is not a man that you want to make long-term plans with. Sorry, but that is my opinion and I feel it quite strongly. Barring extenuating circumstances like him being a refugee from a war-torn country with no experience in navigating modern life, this is quite unacceptable and shows you very clearly who he really is. He will not change. Is that really something that you are OK with?

I was in a LDR with my husband (then boyfriend) for 2 years, when his college studies took him on a different path from mine. I can understand the pain of an LDR, and the hope that carries both people through it. What I cannot understand, is someone faffing around during that period of time, jumping from one career option to another, not making any solid plans to graduate or free themselves up to move. But that is exactly what your partner is doing.

Please think very carefully if this is something that you want. I personally feel like he has been holding you back all this time and giving you almost nothing in return. I suggest you cut the cord, free yourself up to date your peers (rather than a boy that you have to "mother"), and actually enjoy your 20s.

The procrastination was definitely very frustrating, and he still struggles to explain to me why he waited so long. I still don't know why he put everything off so much. I helped with enrolling him and getting him set up because I remember how confusing it was for me as a freshman (we're both first-generation college students if that helps). 

I think my posts make things seem very one-sided, but I do want to say that he has been there for me emotionally and helped my parents with a lot of housework and errands while I was away at college (even though they live an hour away from him). I know that he loves me, and I've always felt very secure in our relationship.

This whole situation has been very complicated as the topic of his long-term career is and has been a recurring topic between us. I honestly never cared if he found a "professional" career. He works full-time as a licensed security guard and I was fine with that, but he just wanted something he could proud of. I just don't think he knew what that meant for him.

[glows]

1 hour ago, aequanimis said:

Sorry, I should have clarified this a little more in my post. He has been working a full-time job these past 5 years and does financially support himself. He just never felt completely happy with his job and his past work history and wanted to have something he could be proud of, but he suffered a lot from indecisiveness. I was pretty lucky because I knew what I liked ever since I was a kid, so going into my field was an easy decision. I helped a lot with his enrollment process because none of his parents went to college and I was a little more familiar with it with my own college endeavors.

He lives with his parents right now, but I also lived with mine when I was in college. I think he's completely capable of moving out, but he's very close with his family. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with living with family (especially in our current economy). I just wished that he would've taken our future more seriously. 

So has he ever moved out or lived on his own?

It's fine living with family but if he's never lived on his own then he won't know what it takes to support himself. His fire under the arse is lacking. I'm sure you understand what I'm referring to. There's no way to describe that to someone who hasn't supported themselves.

There's a domino effect that goes with that - he's disconnected from reality including anything to do with your "future".

 

[Els]

3 hours ago, aequanimis said:

The procrastination was definitely very frustrating, and he still struggles to explain to me why he waited so long. I still don't know why he put everything off so much. I helped with enrolling him and getting him set up because I remember how confusing it was for me as a freshman (we're both first-generation college students if that helps). 

I think my posts make things seem very one-sided, but I do want to say that he has been there for me emotionally and helped my parents with a lot of housework and errands while I was away at college (even though they live an hour away from him). I know that he loves me, and I've always felt very secure in our relationship.

This whole situation has been very complicated as the topic of his long-term career is and has been a recurring topic between us. I honestly never cared if he found a "professional" career. He works full-time as a licensed security guard and I was fine with that, but he just wanted something he could proud of. I just don't think he knew what that meant for him.

I understand that there must be something he's doing right, for you to put up with a LDR for so long, and it's good to know that he's employed. My point was more about the fact that... all these years, he didn't have a plan for closing the distance. If he wasn't attached to a college and didn't have a solid idea of what he wanted to do for a career, he could have put out job applications to the place you live in,  surely? Or he could have applied to colleges where you live, etc.

I don't think you should ditch the job or get an expensive apartment for a person who hasn't even tried.

[S2B]

IF he really wanted a different job - HE would be making effort to change that for himself.

and a 30 year old man still living at home? No way! He’s not trying to build an independent life for himself.

I don’t think you can count on him being independent from his family.

once a child is early 20’s - the dynamics to have that adult move towards being self supporting and independent is critical. If it doesn’t happen then or shortly after - the dynamics become odd - and leave little room for a woman to expect a man to live out on his own.

does he cooks his own meals? Do his own grocery shopping? Do his own laundry?

what are the dynamics within his place living with his parents? What is he responsible for? Rent? 

is he from a culture where adult kids stay living with the parents long term?

Edited July 21, 2022 by S2B

[aequanimis]

On 7/21/2022 at 3:13 PM, Elswyth said:

I understand that there must be something he's doing right, for you to put up with a LDR for so long, and it's good to know that he's employed. My point was more about the fact that... all these years, he didn't have a plan for closing the distance. If he wasn't attached to a college and didn't have a solid idea of what he wanted to do for a career, he could have put out job applications to the place you live in,  surely? Or he could have applied to colleges where you live, etc.

I don't think you should ditch the job or get an expensive apartment for a person who hasn't even tried.

Oh no, no. I never planned to ditch my job for him. I know that sounds bad, but I've always expressed to him that going to school and breaking into my dream career was my top priority. He's always understood and never asked me to drop school or my job for him (and I wouldn't anyways lol). 

Yeah, I do understand what you're saying. Part of me feels kind of dumb and a little resentful (?) because I feel that for these past 5 years, we've talked about our future and how much we wanted to move in together and I almost feel like I was the only one who put in the effort to make it happen. Like, I got through school and I found a job and I tried to find one in his hometown (but there were no entry-level positions in his city) because I so badly wanted us to take that next step. I know that's not true at all and he's been putting effort too, but he's suffered from depression and some pretty bad family problems these past 5 years.

In the past week, I've expressed a little more how disappointed I really was with our change of plans and told him, simply-put, that I was going to give long-distance a try for the next year, but I really wasn't sure if I was truly okay with it. He was very upset at the prospect of us breaking up, but understood that I didn't just want him to drop out and move in with me immediately. I told him that I wanted more concrete plans (a definitive move-in date and to see him actually put in effort into finding jobs in my area), and if I didn't get that in the next year, I was walking. He's agreed to put in more effort into our future. I'm still uncertain about being long-distance since I had a really hard time with it this past year, but I feel a little less doubtful about our relationship. 

[S2B]

You may need to spell it out for him.

he may not understand what you mean when you say “put more effort into our future”.

my guess is - he has no idea what that looks like for you. So be specific with him.

and you may also need to understand that he isn’t as goal oriented as you are - and may never be.

if that’s the case - you may not be a good match. Put a deadline on it. That’s for you. So you don’t waste years and years more waiting for him to show proof he will accomplish goals.

[justwhoiam]

On 7/21/2022 at 10:23 AM, Elswyth said:

A 30 yo man that needs you to sit down with him and assist in "mapping out" his path through community college

See above.

1. He's 7 years older than you and still figuring out what his profession should be, if any.

2. He's being picky about jobs but didn't feel like studying. Men who prefer to work instead of studying will get a hard job no matter how hard, and will do anything they can to bring their hard-earned bread home. Just guess if you got pregnant in a few months. He's not financially stable, but not stable with any job either.

3. So all the previous comments lead to one conclusion: he has no sense of responsibility. And that's not a quality you want in a family. So you're already starting on the wrong foot.

4. Doing everything for your man will eventually grow old pretty soon. You want your man to do things for you. Booking a table for your anniversary. Arranging a surprise. Etc. You're settling for a tired relationship at 23! Which is an absolute no-no. This is the time when you should enjoy your young age and all the little things a couple can do at this stage of your life. Life is long nowadays, the relationship would hardly survive.

5. Do not pressure him to drop his lessons/course/studies. Do not get a bigger apartment, get one that is affordable to you paying the lowest rent. You want to put away some money. Times are going to be hard ahead, most economists are saying there'll be another big crisis by 2027. Insist on being separated for the time being. If the relationship survives that hurdle, then you can think of living together. If you feel, you're better off on your own then let him know.

[aequanimis]

Hello all, 

 

I don’t know if anyone is still following this thread (probably not LOL — it’s been almost a year), but I thought I’d throw an update into the void. 

Shortly after I moved to start my new job, I started having a lot of trouble adjusting. I was overwhelmed with all the newness and the information at work and being alone in a new city, and I just felt like I really needed my partner with me. He would reassure me that he would visit  every couple weeks and he just needed to get through school and we could move in together, but it just wasn’t enough. I think I was going through a lot of hurt that he wasn’t there along with some general doubts I had about everything and I needed to figure that hurt out on my own. So in early September of last year, I told him I needed some time alone to sort myself out. 

Of course, that turned into a breakup. For the separation, we agreed we could keep minimal contact until the end of the year and focus on improving ourselves individually. Then, we would reconvene and see how we felt. My last interaction with him was in December when I told him that I loved him and I wanted him in my life, but I needed him to be with me in my city. And basically, he told me that while he was willing to get back with me and intended to move in with me at some point, he couldn’t guarantee a time or date to even pick up the discussion of moving in together again, much less to ballpark actually moving in together. At that point, he wasn’t doing well in one of his classes and had decided to cut his losses and drop out of all of them. He told me school just wasn’t for him and he was going to pursue a trade and was just figuring out what specifically to pursue. So he was unemployed (his parents agreed to support him while he went to school) and wasn’t even in school anymore. It honestly kind of pissed me off because if now isn’t a good time to move in together, when will it be a good time? And it just hit me that it wasn’t going to happen. So I told him that it was just over. 

A lot of friends/family asked me why I didn’t just wait. If he really intended to move with me, why not just wait? The way I rationalize it is that I think in his mind, he really did plan to move in with me. I think he was waiting for some job or sign to come along to show him he was ready — but whatever he was waiting for didn’t exist because he just wasn’t able to move. His whole life was in his hometown — his friends, family, everything he knew. And I just don’t think he was emotionally mature enough to realize he couldn’t leave it behind. Which is fine — it is a lot to ask for someone to pick up their life and move with you. I’ve done it twice and it’s hard every time! I just wish he would’ve been able to self-reflect enough to realize it on his own and not string me along. 

Obviously, there were a lot of other things that were wrong with our relationship that led to us breaking up. I had been unhappy with a lot of things for a long time, and the move-in was just the catalyst for me to be able to see those things clearly. I have come to feel that I made the right call, even if it was hard. I learned a lot from him and I hoped he learned a lot from me. 

So I am alone now. I have been for some time — and it feels good. Figuring out myself and my life. The job stuff worked out and I feel much more comfortable with what I do. I’ve made friends here. I’ve gotten new furniture at my own space to make my apartment feel more ritzy, and my apartment is one that suits my budget and lifestyle. It’s a little hard to be one of the only people on my team not in a committed relationship or married, but I think that someday, I’ll find that person that wants to share their life with me and move in together. But right now, it’s about me and I’m just vibing. 

Hope the same for anyone reading this. 

Edited May 26, 2023 by aequanimis
Just fixing spacing

[BaileyB]

Glad it is working out for you. It all sounds really positive and you definitely made the right decision. Good luck!