My Childhood Best Friend's Husband

[blackcatfever]

This weekend my childhood best friend and her husband flew to visit me. I have met her husband many times and spent a lot of time with them. The last couple times we have met up, I got the vibe that he was interested in me a little bit more than in a friendly way. I thought maybe he had a crush on me, I am older, single, and him and I have a lot of things in common. In my opinion, crushes are normal, everyone has them. I also want to preface this with: they. have a wonderful marriage of five years, they are happily married as far as I know. 

We were all hanging on Saturday night, we got so drunk throughout the day as we started drinking around 10AM. While we were out at the bar, I noticed he was touching my arm and when we went up to the bar to order drinks for the table, he squeezed my hand. At this point, I didn't really think much about it but I did find it a little flirty and odd. As the night progressed, I was only getting more drunk and my memories from that night are spotty. We got back to my house and decided to take a walk around my neighborhood. Well, my friend didn't want to go so it was just her husband and I that took a walk.

During the walk he grabbed my hand to hold it which isn't really new him and I have held hands before around his wife, it was just the dynamic of our friendship. However, it escalated and he pushed me into a fence and started kissing me. I pulled away and told him we shouldn't be doing that and that we should finish our walk and get back. We got back and then continued hanging out with his wife and some friends. The next day, I couldn't remember if it actually happened or if it was just a really vivid dream.

I felt sick because I felt so guilty for what may or may not have happened. He acted normal around me and claimed to have blacked out after leaving the bar. I don't know what to do. I am fairly certain  that he kissed me, but he hasn't brought it up and claims he doesn't remember Saturday night. Should I just move on as if nothing happened? They live 2000 miles away from me and I only see them maybe once a year.

[S2B]

He isn’t being honorable to his wife.

next time show him you have a boundary. You encouraged it by allowing him to touch you without making it clear he was crossing the line.

so he went for a kiss because you never gave him a red light!

start by making it clear he was out of line.

don’t be alone with him again… he’s a cheater!

[BrinnM]

18 minutes ago, blackcatfever said:

Should I just move on as if nothing happened? They live 2000 miles away from me and I only see them maybe once a year.

Yes! Definitely act as if nothing has happened. You were all drunk, so please don’t overinterpret his behavior towards you. Not sure what you’re asking: What else you should/could do? As in: Tell her about it, or pursue an affair? No no no! Act like it never happened!! You don’t even remember much of it, so please move along. Nothing to see (do) here. 

[blackcatfever]

definitely not trying to start an affair, I just don't know if I should say something to him and ask him why it happened or say something to her about it but I don't know if it is even something to blow up everyone's life over

[BrinnM]

3 minutes ago, blackcatfever said:

definitely not trying to start an affair, I just don't know if I should say something to him and ask him why it happened or say something to her about it but I don't know if it is even something to blow up everyone's life over

If he remembers anything he’s probably super embarrassed about it.They live 2000 miles away and you never ever see them.
He was drunk, she was drunk, you were drunk - everybody else was drunk – so that’s a no. Leave it be. You don’t even remember most of it. And if something happened (a kiss?) it was a one time drunk mistake. Just forget about it. There is no reason to make a big brouhaha out of it.

Edited July 19, 2022 by BrinnM

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

In my opinion, crushes are normal, everyone has them. I also want to preface this with: they. have a wonderful marriage of five years, they are happily married as far as I know. 

I have a friend and coworker who I have known for 20 years. Her husband is the sweetest and cutest guy! That said, I would never disrespect my friend by holding hands, kissing, or doing anything else with her husband. Full stop. 

Crushes are normal. Whether we chose to act on them or not… we’ll, that is another thing entirely. 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

While we were out at the bar, I noticed he was touching my arm and when we went up to the bar to order drinks for the table, he squeezed my hand.

Can I ask why you did not tell him to walk away? 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

At this point, I didn't really think much about it but I did find it a little flirty and odd.

Not dirty and odd - inappropriate and disrespectful, to both his wife and you. 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

As the night progressed, I was only getting more drunk and my memories from that night are spotty.

Do you normally have a problem with alcohol. 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

We got back to my house and decided to take a walk around my neighborhood. Well, my friend didn't want to go so it was just her husband and I that took a walk.

Seems like a wise decision - what could possibly go wrong? 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

During the walk he grabbed my hand to hold it which isn't really new him and I have held hands before around his wife

I’ve never once held hands with any of my friend’s husbands. 

2 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

I don't know what to do. Should I just move on as if nothing happened?

Yes. You should go back to your life and never drink like this with these friends again. You should never be alone with this man again. If you do, at least have the decency to tell your friend that you have an interest in her husband so that she can find some better friends…

Edited July 19, 2022 by BaileyB

[S2B]

It’s so odd you describe him as the cutest and sweetest when he totally betrayed who he’s married to!

it’s odd, it appears that you lead him to believe he could get lucky with you.

why are you giving green light signals when you give the red light after so many green light indicators?

I think you should tell your ‘friend’ what you did. That way at least she knows what her H is capable of - and then she also knows not to visit you again.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, blackcatfever said:

He acted normal around me and claimed to have blacked out after leaving the bar. They live 2000 miles away from me and I only see them maybe once a year.

Unfortunately there's no he said /she said here because you were both so inebriated, there's no clear recollection of what did/did not take place.

Leave them alone and address some other things in your life such as feeling lonely or getting the drinking under better control.

[mark clemson]

You don't need to feel too guilty, as he is the one who "made a move" not you.

However, it's clear the lack of "pushback" or at least some indications of "flirting is all it can ever be" from you gave him the idea that a romantic tryst was possible. So, he gave it a shot. Probably in retrospect you could have given clearer signals WRT his "overtures".

The fact that you have a close friendship with his wife suggests to me a lack of caution on his part. However, as you mention, everyone was apparently quite drunk and people certainly don't make the best decisions when it comes to amorous behavior generally, or this forum probably wouldn't exist. C'est la vie.

[pepperbird2]

It sounds to me like you may have unintentionally sending out signs that you we interested. You indicate that he's been flirty with you and you hold hands in a platonic way.

It could just be me, but hat doesn't sound  very platonic on his end. It sounds more like he was waiting for an opportunity to make a move.

 

[stillafool]

21 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yes. You should go back to your life and never drink like this with these friends again. You should never be alone with this man again. If you do, at least have the decency to tell your friend that you have an interest in her husband so that she can find some better friends…

^^^THIS^^^.  Please remove yourself from this friends life because you aren't really her friend and apparently neither is her husband.

[Daliah]

Your boundaries are weak and his are more than unscrupulous.  As Bailey points out, holding hands and kissing a friends husband is a boundary that shouldn’t be crossed no matter what. It’s inappropriate at a fundamental level.

Tell this man if he approaches you inappropriately again you will inform his wife and the friendship will end.

[vla1120]

On 7/18/2022 at 7:13 PM, blackcatfever said:

During the walk he grabbed my hand to hold it which isn't really new him and I have held hands before around his wife, it was just the dynamic of our friendship.

I've never held hands with any of my friends' husbands, nor would I.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 7/19/2022 at 1:13 AM, blackcatfever said:

him and I have held hands before around his wife, it was just the dynamic of our friendship

This is  weird, sorry. I have never held hands with my friends' husbands or boyfriends. You should not being doing this, because even if the wife is fine with it (which seems strange), you are sending the wrong signals to this guy. 

On 7/19/2022 at 1:13 AM, blackcatfever said:

I couldn't remember if it actually happened or if it was just a really vivid dream.

Come on. You know this wasn't just a dream. 

On 7/19/2022 at 2:43 AM, blackcatfever said:

I just don't know if I should say something to him and ask him why it happened

No, you should have zero private communication with him. If you say anything, confess to your friend. She deserves to know what sort of man she is married to, and that her so-called friend does not maintain appropriate boundaries, either. You were not a totally innocent party here. It's time to reflect on where your values are and why you did not shut this down sooner and instead went for a late-night walk with a drunk married man who'd already been flirty with you. What were you thinking, OP?

[anika99]

On 7/18/2022 at 6:43 PM, blackcatfever said:

definitely not trying to start an affair, I just don't know if I should say something to him and ask him why it happened or say something to her about it but I don't know if it is even something to blow up everyone's life over

You would only talk to him about it if you are purposely trying to take things further and get into a full blown affair with him, otherwise there is absolutely nothing to talk about with him. You are not close to these people, they live thousands of miles away, so definitely keep your mouth shut and move on. Holding hands with men isn't as innocent and friendly as you try to pass it off as. I have many good male friends and when I was younger my best friend was a man. He and I spent tons of time together, we even slept over at each other's houses. We emotionally supported each other and told each other everything and yet somehow we never held hands. Walking down the street holding hands is what people do with their love interests. It's not sexual but it is romantic and intimate. Holding hands with a married man who just so happens to be married to a friend of yours is wildly inappropriate and shows a lack of respect and non-existent boundaries. Obviously this isn't all your fault, the married man is just as much to blame, probably more so, and even your friend is not exercising appropriate boundaries by letting this touchy feely stuff go on between her husband and friend. However, you have no control over the sloppy disrespectful way they are treating their marriage but you have control over yourself. In the future keep your behavior with him and any other married men you know totally platonic and above reproach.