How can I cut the attachment I have to my mother?

[tito1501]

Hi friendly people...

I am a 29  year old male, who has lived 8 years abroad in several countries and lived only with my mother until I was 21 years old. My parents broke up when I was still in my mother's belly, so to say. However, my father was always present during my childhood and they got along very well.

I see that my attachment to my mother definitely affects my overall life and mainly my romantic relationships. 

Me and my mom go along extremely well, which for me is a treasure in life. However, I see that we both 'depend' a lot emotionally on each other. For example, my main fear in life is the day my mother will pass away. I start crying just by thinking of it.

When I have a fight with my current gf, the first thing I want to do is to talk to my mother, as I know she will comfort me, she is and always will be my best friend. She never disappointed me. However, I know that this attachment is not good if I want to be a mature adult in a relationship.

When I close my eyes I also see my mother in a 'divine way', a very beautiful way and I cannot imagine not having her one day. This is very weird to feel as I do not know if other grown ups feel something like this.

I also feel sorry to see my mother getting old and losing her parents, also not getting along with her husband and potentially divorcing him. Just imagining her alone in her sixties whilst I want to be more independent makes me gasp.

My current gf studies psychology and she sees that this attachment is not good for me/for us. 

I could try going to therapy but any practical advice on things I could start changing in my life would be extremely valuable, if you have any.

I appreciate all the effort you had in reading this text and thanks a lot for your support. I hope you have a good day!

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, tito1501 said:

I have a fight with my current gf, the first thing I want to do is to talk to my mother, as I know she will comfort me, she is and always will be my best friend

My current gf studies psychology and she sees that this attachment is not good for me/for us. 

The best thing you could do is live your own life. Including discussing things with your GF directly rather than running to your mother. Your mother has remarried and has her own life. 

[BrinnM]

I don’t see anything wrong with your relationship to your mother. It seems close and healthy. Of course you want the best for your mother, you love her! And if we love somebody we sometimes worry about them. It’s normal that you don’t want to see her get old and possibly sick, or unhappy due to a bad marriage. But I see a strong woman who has raised a good son with love and dignity, almost all by herself, so you shouldn’t worry too much about her. She seems pretty capable!

[FMW]

It sounds like your mother is a strong woman, she brought you up on her own (even though your father was around).  Marriages can be complicated, so her not getting along with her husband or even possibly divorcing at some point is unfortunate, but not unusual.  Being divorced in her sixties will not mean she is alone or lonely and unhappy. 

Because imagining losing her one day is something that you actively fear, you are seeing her losses through your own lens (which is normal).  Loved ones passing on is difficult, but as we age we develop more strength in handling those losses.  I'm sure she's more resilient than you realize.  And back to you, work on appreciating and enjoying her - and everyone and everything else you have now - in the present.  Don't take away from that enjoyment by focusing on the fear or loss.    

It's great you have a close relationship with her.  I would recommend working on seeing her as the independent strong woman she is and trusting that she can continue to navigate the difficulties that life presents to all of us.  Your primary emotional focus should be on yourself and your girlfriend (if you have serious intentions about your relationship).  

[glows]

You're only 29 and I don't think this is unhealthy or strange. You seem to have a strong bond with your mother but are finding out that good boundaries are equally important, if not more. Your girlfriend may be disturbed or questioning lack of boundaries more than your bond with your parent. 

Enforce better boundaries for yourself and learn to cope with life's challenges on your own without divulging all issues about your relationship to your mother. This is just a habit you can break if you want to out of respect for your girlfriend. 

I don't think your psych major girlfriend needs to read into this too far. 

[vla1120]

I don't think there is anything wrong with being close to your mom. I would caution you, however, on sharing all the details of your relationship with your gf. While your mom is your best friend and may give you great advice, revealing every detail about your relationship with your gf might not show your gf in the best light. It might influence your mom's opinion of your gf unfavorably, even if that's not your intention. Being a mom myself, when I hear about some of my daughters' boyfriends' "bad habits", it does, unfortunately, affect my opinion of them.

Your mom sounds like a strong woman who can handle herself in her marriage and in life. Being alone in her 60's isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm 61, been alone for two years, and I've never been happier in my life! Don't worry too much about your mom. She can handle herself. You can also handle yourself. Just practice some healthy boundaries (in both directions) when it comes to revealing info about your relationships. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by vla1120

[tito1501]

Hey guys thanks a lot for all the incredible insights!

i really appreciate your help!