Findingreliefsomehow Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 (edited) My daughter has had a habit of being extremely overprotective. After I lost my husband which is her dad she’s only got a lot worse especially because I had a hard time after he passed and I didn’t take care of myself. I started dating within a year and a half or two years and she’s never had anything good to say about anyone I’ve dated except for one person. Fast forward over a decade later, and I believe I have found a really great guy. I’ve seen him for a year and we decided to get an apartment closer to where he lives but I’m gonna still keep my house until next summer since I work part time near my home. Essentially, I’ll be spending a few days at my house and the rest of the time. I told her this a few months ago and all she said to me was well just don’t get married. Now that we’ve gotten the apartment she is freaking out and making me feel guilty for not spending time back at the house where my son lives nearby our family cat and also that I should spend more time with my girlfriends. She says I don’t need to see my boyfriend every weekend etc. etc. and he should come to me because of the price of gas on and on and on. How do I get her to back off and let me live my own life? Every time she calls I cringe because I know she’ll have some thing derogatory to say about my choices. i’ve experienced with this with her many times before and sometimes I just tell her to back off but it never lasts. I’m already 65 years old and I just don’t have the strength to keep on fighting. Edited July 8, 2022 by Findingreliefsomehow Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 4 minutes ago, Findingreliefsomehow said: How do I get her to back off and let me live my own life? Every time she calls I cringe because I know she’ll have some thing derogatory to say about my choices. Share what is going on with your CPA, estate attorney and trusted peers. Make your decisions based on appropriate professional advice. Simply keep your love life/private life apart from her. She seems to be trying to protect you from scammers, but she seems worried about other things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Findingreliefsomehow Posted July 8, 2022 Author Share Posted July 8, 2022 She FaceTimes me multiple times a day. Hard to keep things private when she does that Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 37 minutes ago, Findingreliefsomehow said: i’ve experienced with this with her many times before and sometimes I just tell her to back off but it never lasts. I’m already 65 years old and I just don’t have the strength to keep on fighting. Your daughter probably means well, but your life is yours to live and you have to set boundaries with her. Who you date, where you live, how you spend your time is really none of her business and the way to get that point across is to set firm boundaries and stick to them. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 33 minutes ago, Findingreliefsomehow said: She FaceTimes me multiple times a day. Hard to keep things private when she does that Facetime requires a two-way connection. She can only Facetime you if you allow it. Don't make yourself so available. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 34 minutes ago, Findingreliefsomehow said: She FaceTimes me multiple times a day Be much busier so this does not happen. Join some clubs and groups, volunteer, get more hours at work, take some classes and courses. Then talk about those things rather than your love life. Is you daughter working? Married? Kids? Why does she have this much time on her hands? If she won't cut the apron strings, you'll have to. Step back from this. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 8, 2022 Share Posted July 8, 2022 35 minutes ago, Findingreliefsomehow said: She FaceTimes me multiple times a day. Hard to keep things private when she does that I want to add, I am also a widow with three grown daughters, two of whom are also very protective. I am very close to them, but we all have established boundaries that we've learned to respect. It wasn't always easy. They did NOT like my second husband (with good reason) - but he was terminally ill, so I resolved to stayed involved with him until the end - much to their chagrin. The way I did that was to continually tell them I appreciated their concern, but I was going to make decisions in this matter that I could live with, and they just had to trust my judgment. You just really have to put your foot down and advocate for yourself, mom. Link to post Share on other sites
Decidingfactors Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 My boyfriend and I get along well. But sometimes I feel unappreciated. . I stay with him on weekends but sometimes it would be nice if he offered to stay at my home so I can take a break from the 45 min drive. I do plan on selling my home next spring since we hope to buy a place together by June. It’s expected we each pay half. I’m not naive and know he does like the fact I have some solid finances since he’s mentioned things like “Between your money and mine we can buy something really nice”. He claims he has money too (he voluntarily told me how much which is a lot more than me). I believe him but he tends to be “tight” sometimes with spending money (I stick to a budget myself but not up the point where I don’t allow myself to buy clothes. His clothes are decent but quite worn). Also, he never buys me flowers despite me hinting about it several times. It’s not about the flowers but really about a gesture of showing I’m appreciated. He knows I like to drink wine on weekends (as does he). But I’m always the one buying the wine for us. He makes the social plans with his friends which include me so I appreciate that. He also pays for dinners (when we are together 2 nights a week) typically but I pay half of any trips or extras. He does express appreciation when I come to visit on the weekends. He is hoping I move in full time now but I’m not ready. It’s a big step. For him it’s his town anyway and needs to live in an apt since he had to give his ex his half of their home in the divorce. Any cards or gifts for my birthday or Valentine’s Day have been modest. He has mentioned he loves me but only a few times in over a year. I have told him I love him spontaneously because I do and want him to know it and hoping he would reciprocate which he somewhat did (saying I do too). He used to send me nice good night texts but I don’t receive them anymore but usually I’ll get a good morning texts. I used to reciprocate but when he stopped I only sent a few but he didn’t. I don’t want to be unappreciated especially since I do put a lot of effort into our relationship. I don’t want to be used or treated like a fool but I get mixed signals. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 17, 2022 Share Posted October 17, 2022 It doesn’t sound like you’re very much into this guy. I can imagine you’re both stuck in a horrible routine like this week after week and each weekend is exhausting as you live out of someone else’s closet or a suitcase. Just tell him it’s his turn to visit for a few weekends and bring the wine. Be less passive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 (edited) Wow! This is how people end up in boring loveless marriage. Girl, you are bored and it's not gonna get better. The man takes you for granted and he does the bare minimum. Between you and I, this is not the relationship you were hoping for yourself right? You don't have kids together, you don't have common assets yet, so it's time to shake the boat. Tell him exactly what you need, you want passion, want to feel special, loved, desired, you want to feel you're worth a $6.99 b'day card! Flowers and why not a weekend away once in a while! What you're looking at right now is how 'the rest of your life' will feel like. Edited October 19, 2022 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 Some men are just very practical. Not to say that there can’t be or shouldn’t be some romance, but men show their love in different ways. I agree that you should tell him what you want/expect from a partner. He may not be overly demonstrative, but he should care about the fact that YOU are feeling loved and appreciated in the relationship. That said, I try to follow the wise advice of a dear friend - “keep your expectations low, you will never be disappointed.” Appreciate the things that he does do for you as that is how he shows his love… 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 19, 2022 Share Posted October 19, 2022 The guy I'm involved with is not big into romantic gestures. In 3 years he's never got me flowers, never given me a card, doesn't buy gifts just to be buying them. But he paid for me to go to Europe with him for 3 weeks for his work and made it clear he wznts to do the same again. He includes me in family and friend plans. He takes me to places that mean a lot to him. He cooks for me. He shares himself, the good and the bad. I'm ok without all the romantic frills and I appreciate his own personal way of sharing his life with me, whether or not it matches with any preconceived ideas I had/have. I didn't get that you're bored from what you wrote, just that you aren't feeling his investment in you and your relationship. Definitely tell him you would like him to stay at your place half the time. You can't do much to change is personal style, and honestly if you can't accept it, he's not the guy for you. You don't want to be dropping hints for flowers, etc. forever if that's what you need. But you should express your desires for how and where you spend time together. You shouldn't be feeling unsure about where things stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 (edited) I agree, the last time I received flowers from my partner - when I told him it was unexpected, he said “well, I bought them for an event that I was attending. They were just going to die so I thought I may as well bring them home to you.” 🙈 He is very, very practical. He hates spending money on something that will just die. He hates buying flowers for Valentine’s day because they increase the price - but he still does it because he knows it will make me happy. He doesn’t buy me extravagant gifts but he does try to buy thoughtful gifts that he thinks I will love. We still split most bills. He definitely feels like because we put our money together, we were able to build a nicer home together. And, I spent the weekends at his house because he couldn’t sleep at my home (but he came to my house during the week). So yeah, I could have written a lot of this. I had to tell him - I expect at least a good morning and good night text if we are not together. I buy my own flowers hoping he will take the hint but he hasn’t. Oh - any my favorite… when I tell him that a woman needs to hear a man tell her he loves her occasionally, he teases me that he said it once so I should just assume it still stands unless or until he tells me otherwise… 🙈 But tonight, when I got home he had done the dishes. And last night, he had bought something special and made me dinner. And he rubs my back when we watch television together. He is kind to my family. He loves to spend time with me. We have a nice life together. Not without the occasional discussion - could you please do this for me. But, he takes direction well… In the end, the only person who can say whether it is enough for you, is you. Listen to your heart and dare I say it - don’t let a good man go because he doesn’t ever bring you flowers… Edited October 20, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 If you are having doubts about this relationship, you absolutely should NOT be buying a home together in the near future. Buying a home with someone is a life-altering decision that you can't easily get out of. Entering into that situation when this relationship is not on 100% solid ground is a really, really bad idea. On 10/17/2022 at 8:54 AM, Decidingfactors said: He claims he has money too (he voluntarily told me how much which is a lot more than me). I believe him but he tends to be “tight” sometimes with spending money He "claims" to have money? "I believe him, but....."? You sound like you are not entirely sure what his finances are. He has told you things but you have nagging doubts in the back of your mind as to whether he has told you the full truth. Again, you should not be buying a house with someone when there are these doubts!! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 I agree with shyviolet. You will need to apply for a mortgage which means that you will need to disclose all financial information to each other. You should also have some kind of cohabitation agreement that clearly outlines what will happen in the event of separation or divorce. You should definitely not be buying a home with a man if you are unsure about the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 (edited) On 10/17/2022 at 11:54 PM, Decidingfactors said: I stay with him on weekends but sometimes it would be nice if he offered to stay at my home so I can take a break from the 45 min drive. He shouldn't offer because that would be inviting himself. Rather, you should be offering and he should accept. Or, have you had a conversation about wanting to take turns staying at each other's place because of the drive? Quote I believe him [about his finance] but he tends to be “tight” sometimes with spending money (I stick to a budget myself but not up the point where I don’t allow myself to buy clothes. His clothes are decent but quite worn). Out of all the guys I've ever dated (and married) no matter what their finances were, they did not see the need to replace clothes which don't have holes in them yet. Daughter and I were discussing this about her partner too. While there are certainly exceptions to the rule, in my experience, this is just a man thing. And it's really normal for them to wear their underpants even when they are stretched and a bit transparent Quote Also, he never buys me flowers despite me hinting about it several times. It’s not about the flowers but really about a gesture of showing I’m appreciated. He knows I like to drink wine on weekends (as does he). But I’m always the one buying the wine for us. I remember feeling very unappreciated and wanting flowers from my ex-h. Then it turned out that my second husband was the least romantic man in the world. The only time he's brought me flowers is when I was in hospital and our son told him to. However, this time around I don't care. I realised that the flowers more about a symbol that he actually cares...but hubby makes it known by his actions on a regular basis. That's not to say that you should give up on flowers if they are really important to you, but I suggest you consider that they wouldn't be needed if you felt more appreciated in general Quote He makes the social plans with his friends which include me so I appreciate that. He also pays for dinners (when we are together 2 nights a week) typically but I pay half of any trips or extras This is very reasonable Quote He is hoping I move in full time now but I’m not ready. It’s a big step. For him it’s his town anyway and needs to live in an apt since he had to give his ex his half of their home in the divorce. Any cards or gifts for my birthday or Valentine’s Day have been modest. He has mentioned he loves me but only a few times in over a year. I have told him I love him spontaneously because I do and want him to know it and hoping he would reciprocate which he somewhat did (saying I do too). He used to send me nice good night texts but I don’t receive them anymore but usually I’ll get a good morning texts. I used to reciprocate but when he stopped I only sent a few but he didn’t. I don’t want to be unappreciated especially since I do put a lot of effort into our relationship. I don’t want to be used or treated like a fool but I get mixed signals. Just how modest are we talking for birthday gifts? Are we talking about a $10 box of supermarket chocolates? If you tell him that you love him, does he say "I love you too" Or does he say "thanks" It might be just me, but good morning and good night texts are in the realms of the stuff people do when they are first dating and then it fades. I wouldn't read too much into it. I'm not seeing any mixed signals to be honest. But I wonder how you feel about the rest of the relationship. Do you have good conversations or do you have nothing to talk about? Do you both look forward to seeing the other or are you a bit meh about it all? Do you laugh together? Edited October 20, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 In a relationship when we start complaining about the small stuff like flowers and the size of gifts it's because there are bigger problems laying underneeth. Something is missing and it's not the flowers. In 5 years with my ex-bf he never bought me flowers, never celebrated b'days, holidays, but he showed me his love *daily* in so many other ways that it never crossed my mind to complain about flowers & gifts. The important words are that you feel unappreciated so if you feel that way it's because you are. Trust your instinct and start searching the real issues, l doubt it's flowers. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 Doesn't sound like you guys are working well together. In other words, stop all the foolish thinking about moving in (as you are doing). You have big problems if this early in a relationship there are all these imbalances. Either you're not speaking up for what you want (might need to quit the hinting) or he's clueless and deaf to your words and desires. Either way, sounds like you guys are just going out to be going out. I don't see any real hook here. Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 With all fairness it doesn't exactly seem like you're rolling out the red carpet for him either, so Im not seeing the effort you don't feel is being reciprocated. Traveling 45 minutes must suck and you should express your desire to split locations, but personally if I'm paying for outings and dinners I don't think that's imbalanced if she has to drive out to me to do that. Buying at this stage in the relationship seems like a road straight to misery tbh. Both of you need to provide each other more investment and make sure this is what both of you want before taking such a huge step. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 (edited) It seems you know based on your adult chidrens concerns and your paying half his rent and that all he talks about is how to spend your money on him and a house for him, that you do realize he's just taking advantage of a lonely widow with some assets. Trust your instincts on this and don't be afraid to discuss what's going on with your family and friends as well as financial and legal advisors. Edited October 20, 2022 by Wiseman2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems you know based on your adult chidrens concerns and your paying half his rent and that all he talks about is how to spend your money on him and a house for him, that you do realize he's just taking advantage of a lonely widow with some assets. Trust your instincts on this and don't be afraid to discuss what's going on with your family and friends as well as financial and legal advisors. Aargh..what did I miss? I can't see references to paying half rent, widowhood or children. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 The OP’s situation matches multiple threads posted under other names. This is ongoing for some time. I treated it as a separate thread but also remember other aliases. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 9 minutes ago, glows said: The OP’s situation matches multiple threads posted under other names. This is ongoing for some time. I treated it as a separate thread but also remember other aliases. I also remember seeing this story numerous times. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 You just can't go "OK I have a BF but now I need him to be this way, how do I make him treat me the way I expect to be treated?" When your expectations are not being fulfilled, you end the relationship. That is your solution. Find someone that does do the things you expect...the right kind of man for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2022 Share Posted October 20, 2022 14 hours ago, basil67 said: Out of all the guys I've ever dated (and married) no matter what their finances were, they did not see the need to replace clothes which don't have holes in them yet. While there are certainly exceptions to the rule, in my experience, this is just a man thing. Lol, agree. 2 hours ago, glows said: The OP’s situation matches multiple threads posted under other names. Thanks for this. I remember too, don’t sell your family home for this man if you have doubts. And, you should have doubts. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts