divorce: Is it inevitably? /transgender girl/

[redHairs]

Hello everyone, I'm a stealth transgender girl - a person, who act and looks like a female, and pretend to be female, but have a male biological sex, and don't disclose it to her environment, including employer, friends, etc. I'm looking for a relationship advice.

[ ] 
I'm 37 y.old, I'm married - my husband knows who I am, but his parents and friends are not - I live in the stealth. We're 6 years together, and we're immigrants. We married in our home country. About 6 month ago, we separated our budgets, but decided to try to save our family. Also, in about 2 months ago, the only relative which accept me, died. Other relatives, like my father, ready to kill me and go into jail, if ever see me again. So, technically, I'm alone in the world. I have only 4 friends outside the internet(and about ~100 in my home country) and my husband. And we about divorced.

There are multiple reasons of it :
First, he wants to return to his home country. Second, we're not good fit in terms of sex. I had a bottom surgery. [ ] It looks natural, and I can have orgasm. In my previous relationships I didn't have this problem. My husband is just too big for me. Time to time things like this can happen even in a case of a natural girl....

Third, in the past, we had a lot of common hobbies - like science, like reading, like cycling, like board games. We visited a lot of science-related events in the past, watched hundreds of youtube videos together, discussed a lot of topics, etc. [  ]  I tried to join, but each time when I comment something, he become angry. But even If I don't watch this content, he wants to discuss it with me, and easy become angry if I say something what he is not agree. What angry means? Well, he destroyed, since this year, 2 my computer monitors, one my smartphone and one e-ink reader which I really loved. Also, he beat me several times(I guess, about 20 times?) - not very hard, never punched me in the face, but I had a lot of bruises after it. Also, once, he used kitchen knife and stashed my arm. But later, said a lot of sorry after it. I have a scar in it after this. Also, he punched me once by his leg in my leg, it was very painful, but for me, it was no any trauma. But he claims, that he is still feel a pain in his leg, and claim, that it's my fault. Probably it's a joke, kinda of post-irony, but I am not sure about it.

We had an American dream, we wanted to buy a house, have pets, etc. I always had a hope to adopt a child. But we never discussed it with husband. My mom-in-law is very conservative, Christian woman. When we lived in our home country, I'm really afraid of her. Right now, and even a couple of years ago, she tends to send me messages in WhatsApp like "save sex is a sin" - it's a cringe, and maybe I have to show it to my husband, but I'm ashamed to do this. Especially because it's her way to let me know that she's waiting a baby, which I can't bear. We're former colleagues with my husband, and first half of year he didn't know that I'm kinda of Frankenstein. When we started to be friends, and start to feel a chemistry, I made a coming out. He accepted me, and I told him, that I hate to be this, and asked him to pretend that I'm just a girl - forget this forever. So, we really rare discuss trans issues, and even less rare discuss my trans-related issues. It's reason why I never reported him these messages of his mom. Last time, we had sex 4 months ago. I think about a correction of my bottom surgery, to make it more deep to make us better fit. But money is a problem. Also, surgery risks is a problem. Additionally, maybe it's too late in our relationships? Maybe I had to do it years ago? I am not discussed it, because tend to ignore everything related to trans life. Ah, and covid of course changed plans of everybody. My to make this surgery - too

Our couple were semi-conservative(and I always liked it): we both worked, but kitchen was only my, apartment cleaning, apartment style etc, was only my. Also, it's mostly me managed meetings with our, my and his friends. But husband always did things like assemble furniture. Since we separated budgets, nothing is changed here from my side. In the most cases my husband buy a food component to prepare something. He said, because I'm against to return to home country, where national food is more common, it could be right if I still prepare it. I'm not against it, because I love to cook, especially to cook for somebody, and because I want to make something good for him, to maybe fix our relationships. But he stopped to do anything what is related to things which is difficult to do for me - because I'm artificial, but a girl, with a real gender dysphoria before I transitioned in 17, always were feminine in the behaviour. So, I have problems with my table (and it not fully prevents my remote work, but often force me to go into office and stay here more than usual), with my desktop (which he helped to fix in the past, and which has problems right now because he punched it - it tends to overheat).
Also, because of death of my relative, I spend a lot of my money (after we separated our budgets), and right now I have 4 thousands dollars debt in my credit card (with a limit 15,000). I have some money in the pension plan, but don't want to touch it. I expected to get annual bonus in my work, but it is not happened, because my environment became very stressful and no longer make me happy. I hope, I am not lost my work because of underperformance. My husband has no any problems with money, he is programmer in FAANG corporation.

Furthermore, I still fill chemistry for my husband, but I feel like somebody else stolen his personality. He changed so much. I time to time think, maybe he has a brain tumour? Or maybe it's kinda of post-covid effects(but he is probably never got a covid or even cold - in the last couple of years)? How do you think, is it any chance if he stops to be so involved in the politics? And return to our common habits/hobbies? - BTW he believes that West is going to lose for China, and it's reason why he wants to return. And I don't want to return, because I'm worried about trans rights in my home country. I am not sure if it will be possible to live there in the stealth mode.


I don't want to divorce, because it was so much good in the past, and because I still believe in our common dreams. Also, if he changed because of covid/brain tumour or something like this, it could be a betrayal to leave him alone. Especially, because I'm not believe in the medicine in our home county. He wanted to by tickets back three times in last half of year, but each time, when I asked him before leave a work (his employer don't have office in our home country) to help me move into a trash can some heavy stuff which is related to our memory, he always changed his mind, because he is probably feel pain about it.
Also, half of year ago, instead of call me kitty, he started to call me a snake. But 3 weeks ago, he started to call me a helminth, and it hurts me each time, I cry. But we still sleep in one bed. And he hugs me sometimes (not every night like year ago or early).


Also, I am not sure if my "value" in the "dating market" is above of zero. There are a lot of girls, which can bear, more yang, more beautiful, etc. I'm not very beautiful, maybe among of transgirls I look more than good. But not among of real girls. The only thing which is beautiful in me is maybe legs. It's not enough. I'm passing is female, but it means nothing, because half of mankind passing as female. There are a lot of fetishists who looking for girls like me, but they don't want a relationship, a family (also, they always want something strange in terms of sex, and probably I'm not something what they're looking for, i'm too old-fashion for this(also they want transgirls without bottom surgery). But in the another hand, maybe I'm too pessimistic - in 2022, two guys(one in a bike track, another in board game club) asked my phone, and I'm free or not.


Another problem is, my friends don't know about me. I usually shopping together with them, discuss their relationship issues, etc. I not sure if I tell them everything, that I keep them as friends. As I said, in my home country I had several transgenders friends, but I don't want to go back. I expect, If I divorce, they want to help me and try to date me with somebody. But I can't do this, because this skeleton in my closet.


In the theory, I like tall, brazen, clever, and kind (like my husband in the past) educated guys. But it's too high grade for me. I expect, if I divorce, I'll be forever alone, and what I can do in this case - make adopt a child.


Thank you guys for your attention, I hope, you can advice me something.

Edited July 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic content