Long distance relationship problem

[Esthene]

Hi. I have an issue that has been bugging me for a long time. Our relationship no longer looks like it did. I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost 4 months, the puppy stage is over, he moved to a new city and was a bit overwhelmed with responsibilities. At the same time, we planned for him to come visit me, which didn't work out, however, and it wasn't his fault. For about two or three weeks his attitude changed, he is very insecure and was in a bad mental state because everything overwhelmed him with the moving, then he also broke up with me because he thought it would be better, but the next day he apologized and said he didn't know what got into him then (that day he was heartbroken and cried). Since then he has been showing me less love. We talked about it, and he himself doesn't know why, because he still loves me. He says he thinks very often about how it will be in the future, because we planned a lot together. He knows that the distance between us is a big obstacle and it takes a lot of money and effort, and we will still meet every six months and miss each other in between, and he would like to have me there now so we can just cuddle in bed right now. I can see that the thoughts of this agonize him a lot, I have a feeling that he s jusy overthinking. But I can also see that since he thinks about it so much, he takes me seriously. What should I do? I am going to come to him, but it will be only in a few months, how can I help him overcome this thinking? I have a feeling that he is not ready for a long distance relationship, but I love him very much.  

 I will only add that his family knows about me, and they have tentatively talked about my coming, he has also talked to his mom about this long distance relationship thing problem but she doesn't change his thinking. 

I would also add that now he has started spending more time with his friends, but we still spend time together and talk a lot, he doesn't leave me out of his life, it's just the way it was, he just doesn't show me those feelings anymore (occasionally he will say baby, but that's all)  He will respond to me with an I love you when I say it too,  he will say goodnight baby, but he said that I am on par with his friends now, because in the beginning it was spending time only with me and rejecting friends, he says that playing with them helps him not to think about this problem, I can see that it tires him and he does not want it because even on our time together i see he's like not sure about anything and thinking all the time, not pure enjoying the time were spending together like before.

 

Edited July 6, 2022 by Esthene

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Esthene said:

I have been in a long-distance relationship for almost 4 months and we will still meet every six months and miss each other in between. I have a feeling that he is not ready for a long distance relationship, but I love him very much.  

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? Was it a distance situation before he moved? How often have you seen each other in person? 4 mos. is the observation and get to know you period, so limit your investment.

If you are noticing red flags like breakups, too stressed, busy, etc. to engage in the relationship reflect on that and consider if you are cut out for the loneliness and frustration of distance situations.

[Esthene]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How did you meet? Was it a distance situation before he moved? How often have you seen each other in person? 4 mos. is the observation and get to know you period, so limit your investment.

If you are noticing red flags like breakups, too stressed, busy, etc. to engage in the relationship reflect on that and consider if you are cut out for the loneliness and frustration of distance situations.

We got to know each other online and started spending a lot of time together, he confessed to me that he felt something more for me and at first we just spent a lot of time together and the feeling evolved,  we haven't met yet. He was supposed to come to me now, but unfortunately it was a bit out of his hands. He tried very hard to come, organized visa, and other related things - to come to me it takes a lot more work and money than me going to him - i do not need a visa and I would live at his house and here my house is not an option unfortunately, I think he may have been so burned out, because he said he was very disappointed that it did not work out and he tried so hard. - we really were living for meeting each other in this time, and talking almost only about that and what we will do when he come.

 

I really think he loves me, but the distance is killing it... I told him that maybe because of it he's that cold to me, he don't want to show that much feeling cause when he do, he starts overthinking about the distance.

I want to help him overcome the thoughts he has, that he thinks negatively about some things because of the distance that separates us (I live in Poland, he lives in South Africa).

Edited July 6, 2022 by Esthene

[stillafool]

It sounds like the more he's thinking about it a relationship with you won't work because of the distance and the money it will take to make it happen.  Seeing each other every 6 months is not sustainable for a young man.  I think he's trying to gently break it off with you.  The good thing is you haven't even met him so hopefully you're not too attached.

[Esthene]

44 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It sounds like the more he's thinking about it a relationship with you won't work because of the distance and the money it will take to make it happen.  Seeing each other every 6 months is not sustainable for a young man.  I think he's trying to gently break it off with you.  The good thing is you haven't even met him so hopefully you're not too attached.

This is really bad news for me.

I've had boyfriends in the past, ones I've been with for up to 3 years, but I've never been as afraid of a relationship as I am of what exists now. When he broke up with me (and it was after a long conversation at night, the next day he wrote me a long message saying that it was a mistake and he doesn't want me to leave his life) I had to recover from that for a week. It's still not good, because the breakup was about two weeks ago and I really went through it, I lost 4 kilos and I still have trouble "finding something to do". Everything started to break down when he failed to go to me. I am also a student, just like him, but somehow I can imagine it.... I, in a year's time, can come to him permanently and look for a job there, as I am finishing my studies. I know that this distance is terrible and also I would like to have him with me all the time, but I do not want to end this  love because of the distance between us....

[glows]

I suggest you both put this on hold and move about your regular lives independently and keep in touch. If you move to S. Africa, be cautious about it and ensure that you can move back to Poland easily. Don't remain stuck in a country or with a man you've only met a handful of times and remain trapped in a corner of the world where you find it difficult to leave. 

You're noticing that you can't force someone to have feelings for you or "overcome" negative thoughts and a person's own opinions or instincts that this isn't working. If you care about him you might see that this LDR is affecting him badly and you're too focused on what you want. I'd go back to reasons why you thought LDR was a good idea in the first place. Be stern and real with yourself, whether you are looking to move to escape a current situation or whether this relationship is something you want to invest in further. Don't waste your life on the wrong move for one guy across the world when your options are limitless right now.

Edited July 6, 2022 by glows

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Esthene said:

I am also a student, just like him, but somehow I can imagine it.... I, in a year's time, can come to him permanently and look for a job there, as I am finishing my studies.

Have you discussed moving there with him after your graduate in a year and what did he say?  

[Esthene]

9 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Have you discussed moving there with him after your graduate in a year and what did he say?  

Yesterday we talked about it, because he had plans at the beginning to live in Europe. But now he thinks he might move to Cape Town, and that might be a problem for me. I told him that the profession I want to go into and am currently studying is very often remote where you can work from your computer at home, and for me it's not a problem to live in Cape Town if he wants to. He said that's fine but he himself is not sure of anything yet, of how to arrange his life.

But for now it mainly stood that meeting and coming to each other cause of distance is not the easiest.

He changed after moving to a new place. He had trouble getting acclimated, I think he still has some. That's when all these problems started.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Esthene

[stillafool]

9 minutes ago, Esthene said:

But now he thinks he might move to Cape Town, and that might be a problem for me. I told him that the profession I want to go into and am currently studying is very often remote where you can work from your computer at home, and for me it's not a problem to live in Cape Town if he wants to.

I'm confuseed by your statement above.  On one hand you say moving to Cape Town might be a problem and then you say it is not a problem.  Which is it?

[Esthene]

Just now, stillafool said:

I'm confuseed by your statement above.  On one hand you say moving to Cape Town might be a problem and then you say it is not a problem.  Which is it?

He was thinking it might be a problem for me, because our plans were different, but i said to him its not a problem.

[glows]

Why don't you both put less pressure on yourselves and work out your current work/school situations until the end of the year? One year is not long. Make a decision closer to the end of the year. 

It's only very sad at the moment because he's going through some challenges and you feel him draw away from you. Keep in mind that you have never met this person at all, not even once, and he may be feeling some conflict in the way the relationship is proceeding as in it doesn't make sense to overinvest with a person he's never met yet either. His parents or family may be telling him to be cautious even though they support the both of you. 

Four months long distance is not enough for the honeymoon stage to be over. I tend to think the honeymoon stage lasts through the first 2-5 years of knowing someone and you both have not spent any considerable time in person together to start.

Don't rush this. As much as you want it to work, it pays to be more cautious and bide your time. You're going by your emotions and having not met this person yet. Not much of what you have been through as a couple has shown itself in real time or in person. 

[stillafool]

 Oh so at  first he wanted to live in Europe, and you decided you would move there too after you graduate.  Then he decides he wants to move to Cape Town, you told him that's not a problem for you, and now he's not even sure that is where he wants to live?  Is this correct?

[Esthene]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Why don't you both put less pressure on yourselves and work out your current work/school situations until the end of the year? One year is not long. Make a decision closer to the end of the year. 

It's only very sad at the moment because he's going through some challenges and you feel him draw away from you. Keep in mind that you have never met this person at all, not even once, and he may be feeling some conflict in the way the relationship is proceeding as in it doesn't make sense to overinvest with a person he's never met yet either. His parents or family may be telling him to be cautious even though they support the both of you. 

Four months long distance is not enough for the honeymoon stage to be over. I tend to think the honeymoon stage lasts through the first 2-5 years of knowing someone and you both have not spent any considerable time in person together to start.

Don't rush this. As much as you want it to work, it pays to be more cautious and bide your time. You're going by your emotions and having not met this person yet. Not much of what you have been through as a couple has shown itself in real time or in person. 

I must say that you speak very wisely. It's just hard for me, because I'm afraid I'll be replaced by some other girl who is closer, because it's easier. I don't want to be heartbroken, but I know I can't prevent it if it's going to happen, because it will be even worse if I start setting boundaries for him. I really regret that we couldn't be born in the same country.

It's probably a good thought to let go a little, because I'm currently living it, waiting to see if he has time and will spend it with me, and thinking if he still loves me. I don't want to put too much pressure, but it's hard. Maybe it's better to speak to each other as friends for now, so as not to magnify in him this thinking of a long distance between us. But rather we will stay in a relationship, I just won't put pressure on him, because unfortunately, I told him about the lack of affection, that he stopped showing it (which I'm sure is related to his deep thoughts about it) because I just felt unloved. I don't want to break it off, but if he does it again I think I will already be prepared for it....

He is a wonderful man who I would not want to lose. I know that in the beginning before telling me what he feels, he was afraid of it because he wants to have contact with me all the time, and getting into a relationship is such a road of no return, it's hard to become friends afterwards, but we finally got into a relationship. I know he doesn't want to lose me either.

[Esthene]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 Oh so at  first he wanted to live in Europe, and you decided you would move there too after you graduate.  Then he decides he wants to move to Cape Town, you told him that's not a problem for you, and now he's not even sure that is where he wants to live?  Is this correct?

I live in europe, but we talked about both of us living in another European country together. We even talked about him wanting to live in europe before we were in a relationship. We made plans, but the most important thing was meeting each other for the first time. Yesterday he told me that he thought he would live in Cape Town after graduation, and that he dont know now if he wants to live in europe, but he s not sure of anything yet. Then I told him about it, that for me it's not a problem to stay with him in the city if he feels like he want to.

Yes, hes not sure of anything now i can say.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Esthene

[glows]

22 minutes ago, Esthene said:

I must say that you speak very wisely. It's just hard for me, because I'm afraid I'll be replaced by some other girl who is closer, because it's easier. I don't want to be heartbroken, but I know I can't prevent it if it's going to happen, because it will be even worse if I start setting boundaries for him. I really regret that we couldn't be born in the same country.

It's probably a good thought to let go a little, because I'm currently living it, waiting to see if he has time and will spend it with me, and thinking if he still loves me. I don't want to put too much pressure, but it's hard. Maybe it's better to speak to each other as friends for now, so as not to magnify in him this thinking of a long distance between us. But rather we will stay in a relationship, I just won't put pressure on him, because unfortunately, I told him about the lack of affection, that he stopped showing it (which I'm sure is related to his deep thoughts about it) because I just felt unloved. I don't want to break it off, but if he does it again I think I will already be prepared for it....

He is a wonderful man who I would not want to lose. I know that in the beginning before telling me what he feels, he was afraid of it because he wants to have contact with me all the time, and getting into a relationship is such a road of no return, it's hard to become friends afterwards, but we finally got into a relationship. I know he doesn't want to lose me either.

It's still very early days regardless of what you share. Let the relationship prove itself over time and build naturally on its own. There's no need to rush this along. I'd use the time instead from now to the end of your studies/graduation to think about whether this is worth the move. Do you have the support of your family if you decide to move back to Poland, should things not work out? Have a plan B. 

It sounds like you're more steady and a planner. He seems overwhelmed easily.

[Esthene]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

It's still very early days regardless of what you share. Let the relationship prove itself over time and build naturally on its own. There's no need to rush this along. I'd use the time instead from now to the end of your studies/graduation to think about whether this is worth the move. Do you have the support of your family if you decide to move back to Poland, should things not work out? Have a plan B. 

It sounds like you're more steady and a planner. He seems overwhelmed easily.

Certainly, if all goes well, I plan to visit him in January/February for the first time, and then we'll probably plan what's next, since he himself doesn't yet know what's coming. I suspect, however, that he will stay with his parents for a longer period of time. (but thats just my thinking). For now, the plan to move in together is a distant one, since we both think getting to know each other is just a formality, but you never know how that might be so we want to see.

Waiting seems like a good idea, just going with the flow and seeing how it all turns out. Although there are sure to be tougher times during these months.

And with the fact that hes easy to be overhelmed I can agree, it's not the first time he loses his head for something, afterwards when planning a trip to me he also had time like this, and not only with things related to me. I guess he's just that type of person.

Although sometimes I don't understand this thinking of LDR not working, because he has a best friend who is in the same situation - only that, his girlfriend (who also lives in Europe) visited him a month ago after six months of dating. So he has beaten proof that these things can work in a long-distance relationship.

I can tell you thank you, I did not think that someone can calm me down and make me think wisely from the side of my relationship (you showed me how it just looks)  understanding both sides of the situation.

Edited July 6, 2022 by Esthene

[Esthene]

33 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you have the support of your family if you decide to move back to Poland, should things not work out? Have a plan B. 

 

 

And yes, if I decided to move there I have the support of my family, I even have an uncle who lives in Zambia so if something would go wrong he is the closest. I'm also sure they would do anything to get me back to Poland.

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Esthene said:

we haven't met yet

Please, don't commit yourself and build your future around someone you have never met in person. 

You two got way ahead of yourselves without actually having any idea if you are compatible. That is something you can only learn when you spend time together over an extended period, in person. 

It sounds to me like he's realizing a purely online relationship with someone who lives so far away just isn't sustainable. I think you can expect this to end, unfortuantely. I'm sorry. In the future, stick to local men you can meet regularly before deciding to uproot your whole life for them. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Esthene said:

Certainly, if all goes well, I plan to visit him in January/February for the first time, and then we'll probably plan what's next, since he himself doesn't yet know what's coming. I suspect, however, that he will stay with his parents for a longer period of time. (but thats just my thinking). For now, the plan to move in together is a distant one, since we both think getting to know each other is just a formality, but you never know how that might be so we want to see.

Waiting seems like a good idea, just going with the flow and seeing how it all turns out. Although there are sure to be tougher times during these months.

And with the fact that hes easy to be overhelmed I can agree, it's not the first time he loses his head for something, afterwards when planning a trip to me he also had time like this, and not only with things related to me. I guess he's just that type of person.

Although sometimes I don't understand this thinking of LDR not working, because he has a best friend who is in the same situation - only that, his girlfriend (who also lives in Europe) visited him a month ago after six months of dating. So he has beaten proof that these things can work in a long-distance relationship.

I can tell you thank you, I did not think that someone can calm me down and make me think wisely from the side of my relationship (you showed me how it just looks)  understanding both sides of the situation.

 

10 hours ago, Esthene said:

And yes, if I decided to move there I have the support of my family, I even have an uncle who lives in Zambia so if something would go wrong he is the closest. I'm also sure they would do anything to get me back to Poland.

Your job potentially would allow you to work remotely anywhere in the world so strive for that and maintain your independence financially. It can be difficult to keep a steady head when it comes to wanting to be with someone but I think you have more to risk or lose. I don’t suspect he’s willing to help or contribute to your flights or moving. You are the the one doing the bulk of the traveling and he only waits for you. It’s easy for him not to plan, not to think ahead. He doesn’t have to. Be careful and look out for yourself. 

Yes, take it easy and go with the flow. Confide in your parents or those closest to you. Do not make big decisions alone if you feel uneasy. Talk to your loved ones at home.

[Esthene]

I now have another problem... recently we had a great time together and I finally felt loved, he spoke to me lovingly, and in general we had a good time. I thought everything was back on track. Today he sent me a picture his mom took of him as he slept, I wanted to set it for my phone wallpaper (he's had me on it since the beginning of the relationship), and he said he was thinking of changing his phone wallpaper where I am to a different one. It's such a small thing but it made me a little sad like you know, im being kinda replaced or i dont know. I feel like it shoudnt affect me that much.

Also yesterday he said that he gets a lot of joy from spending time with his friends and playing games by himself, which I totally understand, but it sounded like it makes him more happy than spending time with me. In addition, when I talked to him about the time we spent together yesterday as an example of joy with me, he said "i enjoyed it but after everything when i was in bed i got a kinda tired feeling, i was wondering why, it was like the tired feling of wanting to be alone for a long time". (he meant just with himself not without relationship) But what can i do?

we will probably still talk about it because he himself does not know why he feels this way. For the time being, I asked him if he feels this way around friends too, but we will talk about it tonight. I'm scared kinda, i really wasnt pushing, the conversation just go by with flow like this...
He himself wanted to meet now (yesterday) , I didn't pressure him, he proposed himself.
I don't know what to do, I have a mixed feeling because he really was very loving to me yesterday. 

 

Also I want to thank you all for the support I have here and all the guidance, words of wisdom given to me. I've taken them to heart, and I'm trying not to get so involved, but it's just that yesterday's situation and today's conversation knocked me off track because of two different extremes of emotion.

 

Edited July 10, 2022 by Esthene

[justwhoiam]

A few considerations.

1. You've never met in person. So planning a whole future with someone you've never met is giving the both of you too much credit. Maybe you're not compatible in person. Maybe there are so many things he does you don't like and vice versa. That's not good foundation for a solid relationship. And this is coming from someone who chatted with her man for 10 years as friends before getting into a bf/gf relationship. I'm not saying you should follow in my steps. Not at all. I'm just saying you don't jump into a gf/bf dynamic, sucking up his time when you've never met and before being sure of each other's feelings. I know you both have feelings but what counts is real life and not the virtual relationship. Sometimes things only work out virtually and not out in the real world. So you are asking too much of him.

That said, I have questions for you:

1. If it's easier for you to travel to S.A. (and it is), then why didn't you pursue that arrangement if it means so much to you? And why is everything lost now you could still travel to him.

2. Why was his visa application rejected? Did he show that to you? I guess you were both too naif in handling all that, which is a serious thing from Africa into the EU. What kind of visa did he apply for? Hopefully, not the girlfriend visa. He had to supply a lot od documents, did you work on it together? Did you help him check all the documents required? And do you know that he can appeal the visa rejection at the embassy/consulate where he applied?

3. How old are you both?

4. Why if you went to him, you could stay at his place but if he came to you he couldn't?

That said, from what I know, the easiest country to go to would be Ireland. If he applied for a job there, he could get the visa to work there and then travel throughout the EU. There are offices assisting you for this procedure. If you're serious about that, don't just file docs crossing fingers, do it wisely, with the help of experienced professionals.

Edited August 1, 2022 by justwhoiam