Supporting my AP through his divorce

[Alvi]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Is this all? Or has he also contacted a lawyer to formally initiate the legal proceedings? 

Because until he has done the latter, I would not assume that he is really leaving her. Many people chicken out and decide to stay in the marriage. 

Yeah, it is true. My father threatened my mother with a divorce numerous times. But hey, they are still married after 46 years together. Doesn't mean that they are happily married, quite the opposite. But they are married. Like I said before, asking for a divorce and actually getting a divorce are two totally different things.

[Redwoodgirl]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

Does not matter if you have a consult as far as supporting MM. Divorces take time and can be messy. You need time to deal with your stuff and he his. End the affair and make it a partnership once divorces are final. I don't mean to sound brazen, I just learned a-lot from being an OW is all. 

Good advice for sure. We have a long road ahead and we aren't wearing rose colored glasses. It's gonna take a lot of work on both our parts

[glows]

6 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

Good advice for sure. We have a long road ahead and we aren't wearing rose colored glasses. It's gonna take a lot of work on both our parts

Have you both considered leaving this on friendly terms and ending your marriages first before continuing a romance? 

The risk is leaping from one relationship to another without a break, missing red flags or issues in the process.

Edited July 8, 2022 by glows

[Will am I]

7 hours ago, Alvi said:

Yeah, it is true. My father threatened my mother with a divorce numerous times. But hey, they are still married after 46 years together. Doesn't mean that they are happily married, quite the opposite. But they are married. Like I said before, asking for a divorce and actually getting a divorce are two totally different things.

Once the D-word enters the spectrum of threats, I think it does irreparable damage. 
 

I try to be very gentle when using that word.  I would never say “then I’ll just divorce you” or the likes of that. In a setting where you’re arguing and standing opposite one another.

I’m more like “maybe we should consider that this could be coming to an end, if we  cannot sork this out”. Cooperative mode, next to eachother.

And even that will bring the possibility of divorce one step closer.

[Myabee]

10 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

Good advice for sure. We have a long road ahead and we aren't wearing rose colored glasses. It's gonna take a lot of work on both our parts

If I may aak, has this been an in person affair? Or primarily through text? Have you considered the very big part that fantasy plays?  I mean at the end of the day can you pay bills with this man? Live with all of his quirks you probably know nothing about yet? Look. I would hate for you to end up like I did. As very srsly a year ago my ex MM returned from a camping trip  with the W advising me he could not continue his marriage  and needed to find a way to end it. That turned out to only be one big lie.. when she discovered the affair in late Nov 2021 I was thrown in the trash. He ran away with his tail between his legs. Actions Red... actions. He is giving you words. See the divorce papers then believe it. Until then you are a side dish and distraction for him. Cut all contact. Good luck. 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said:

We have a long road ahead and we aren't wearing rose colored glasses. It's gonna take a lot of work on both our parts

Your first step is retaining an attorney to discuss your specific situation and your options in divorce, given your finances, assets, retirement etc. Then comes the task of telling your husband you wish to divorce. Then come the negotiations between your attorney and his and however complicated and expensive one or both of you choose to make it. Do not worry about your lover. So far he's done nothing but claim he told his wife he wants a divorce. Don't get caught in the "you go first" game of who actually divorces or not.

[Myabee]

47 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

So far he's done nothing but claim he told his wife he wants a divorce. Don't get caught in the "you go first" game of who actually divorces or not.

Yes this!! This is what frightens me for her in this situation. I was told in my affair the same thing... he was going to have a talk with his wife. It was all bs.He never had that talk not intended too.🥺

Edited July 8, 2022 by Myabee

[IrinaM]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Yes this!! This is what frightens me for her in this situation. I was told in my affair the same thing... he was going to have a talk with his wife. It was all bs.He never had that talk not intended too.🥺

Same here. Their "separation" was a construct of our shared fantasy world and the talk of his "impending divorce" had all the legitimacy of Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy. Turns out, it doesn't work that way.

[HappyAgain2014]

When he’s told what this will cost him, he’s likely to not go forward. It’s typically cheaper to stay married. Sad but true. 

[Birdies]

Hey there. I was a MW having an affair with a MM (which is a stupid effing idea!). Things came to light and completely blew up. We both ended up getting divorced, because our marriages were really over, no matter what happened with each other. This was in 2015. We are now married (4 year anniversary coming up this month) with a child and truly, truly happy. 

My best advice is to try to be there as a friend for him, not as a participant in the Drama Triangle with him and his ex (google the DT). And once you are divorced, take plenty of time to date like regular people and see if you have a real relationship, versus a fake illusion affair relationship. Most affairs will not make it in the real world, and that’s ok. 

[CMon]

I was there for mine every step of the way. He was married when we met and I was separated. I supported him by listening, not getting jealous or upset and. NOT giving too much unsolicited advice. He is now divorced, I am on the verge of a settlement. So for us it was a two way street of love and support. It’s been over a year since we met. He left his wife after 8 weeks And we moved in together a few months ago and are planning to get married soon. 

Edited July 16, 2022 by CMon

[pepperbird2]

On 7/5/2022 at 8:42 AM, Redwoodgirl said:

Hello. My AF partner is starting the process of seperating from his wife. There will be a lot of ups and downs and I want to be supportive and help him through this. Anyone out there who has been through this I would appreciate your feedback

i would give him space to sort through this, because as committed as he may be to you, it's still going to hurt, and it will be  pain that's "outside" of you.

One thing you might suggest if you think he's really struggling is that he attend counselling with his soon to be ex. I know that may sound off, but it wouldn't be to save their marriage, but  to end it in a way that's best for all, especially the kids.

After that, I woudl suggest you two attend some counselling together as well. Give yourselves the best start you can by addressing trust issues and other baggage you would both bring.

[S2B]

Have you actually told your H you plan to divorce him? 

[S2B]

What does “starting the process of separating” actually look like?

what has he changed? Did he move out? Did he separate finances? Did he filed for divorce yet? Told family and friends? Be specific.

what exactly has he changed?

[IrinaM]

9 hours ago, S2B said:

What does “starting the process of separating” actually look like?

my thoughts too. Because while divorcing is somewhat of a process, separating isn't. You move out, or the other person does. It's either done or it hasn't been done.

[Myabee]

On 7/17/2022 at 4:23 AM, IrinaM said:

my thoughts too. Because while divorcing is somewhat of a process, separating isn't. You move out, or the other person does. It's either done or it hasn't been done.

Oh separating is a process. It was in my case when I forced my H to move out. He moved out. It's filing for a legal seperation that's a process. I question if that's been done in this case?