Redwoodgirl Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 Hello. My AF partner is starting the process of seperating from his wife. There will be a lot of ups and downs and I want to be supportive and help him through this. Anyone out there who has been through this I would appreciate your feedback Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 12 minutes ago, Redwoodgirl said: My AF partner is starting the process of seperating from his wife. There will be a lot of ups and downs and I want to be supportive and help him through this. Anyone out there who has been through this I would appreciate your feedback It would be best to step back while they are separating. That would be the most supportive, since he will need to direct attention to legal matter, finances, moving etc. His attorney and therapist can best guide him through the process. When/if he files for divorce, lives separately and is more sorted out, would be a good time for him to have the time and energy to focus on your relationship. Unfortunately, keep in mind that even if he is separating it doesn't mean you'll end up together so lower your investment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Redwoodgirl said: My AF partner is starting the process of seperating from his wife. There will be a lot of ups and downs and I want to be supportive and help him through this. If it was me, I would take a big step back. He is a grown man, very capable of dealing with the end of his marriage. He doesn’t need you to hold his hand. He would be well served if you have him the time and space to settle his affairs and grieve the end of his marriage. Do they have children? Because, that is a whole different kettle of fish… This kind of enabling/codependent thinking tends to be ubiquitous of many other women. As was said above, by stepping back you are in fact supporting him by allowing him the time and space to end his marriage. Dare I say, your future relationship is likely to be more successful if you allow him to end on relationship before “beginning” another. It’s not healthy for people to move directly from one serious relationship to another. Edited July 5, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 The post tells me that what you have going on is more than a fling. Apparently it's for real, MM is leaving his wife presumably to be with you. You're in the "lucky 5%" I guess. I second the earlier replies that you should stand back. I understand you want to support your lover through this (which is sweet). But the biggest effect would be to infuriate his wife. For a more peaceful transition it is best if you stayed on the background through this. No need for you to be at the courthouse. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 5 minutes ago, Will am I said: You're in the "lucky 5%" I guess. Lucky, all right. She is about to commit to a man who has proven himself to be dishonest, untrustworthy, and unfaithful. Perhaps the lucky one here is his wife, the woman who is about to free herself from an unfaithful husband. Time will tell for OP whether this was a good decision or an omen of things to come - 5 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Will am I Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 Different perspectives. I imagine OP loves her MM and she must be deligthed to be set free from the position as OW and "promoted" to AP's primary partner. The other perspective is that "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you". Which makes OP's position not so desireable at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 3 hours ago, Redwoodgirl said: Hello. My AF partner is starting the process of seperating It' would also be best if you focused on your divorce, if you plan to be with him. What does he mean by "starting the process of"? Has he contacted an attorney or told his wife he wishes to divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 1 hour ago, Will am I said: I imagine OP loves her MM and she must be deligthed to be set free from the position as OW and "promoted" to AP's primary partner. Unfortunately MM won't be able to say the same because OP will still be the MW. Which puts her in line to lose MM as he will then be a free man and dating others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 (edited) You should step back, but IMO not too far. If his decision to divorce is in part predicated on you being there, make it clear you're not suddenly no longer committed/drifting away. But yes, give him space he will need. It is unfortunate, but not every marriage lasts. If you are divorcing (or even if not) you should probably check with your lawyer whether "alienation of affection" lawsuits are allowed in your jurisdiction. Only a few states allow them and I suspect that even there they are uncommon, however, they are a potential issue/danger. A lawyer in your jurisdiction should be able to quickly clear up for you whether this is a potential is a potential problem for you. Edited July 5, 2022 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 Didn’t realize OP was married. What are your plans then, are you also filing for divorce? Waiting to see how things go for your affair partner - whether he actually follows through before upending your own life? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redwoodgirl Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 5 hours ago, BaileyB said: If it was me, I would take a big step back. He is a grown man, very capable of dealing with the end of his marriage. He doesn’t need you to hold his hand. He would be well served if you have him the time and space to settle his affairs and grieve the end of his marriage. Do they have children? Because, that is a whole different kettle of fish… This kind of enabling/codependent thinking tends to be ubiquitous of many other women. As was said above, by stepping back you are in fact supporting him by allowing him the time and space to end his marriage. Dare I say, your future relationship is likely to be more successful if you allow him to end on relationship before “beginning” another. It’s not healthy for people to move directly from one serious relationship to another. We both have grown children Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redwoodgirl Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It' would also be best if you focused on your divorce, if you plan to be with him. What does he mean by "starting the process of"? Has he contacted an attorney or told his wife he wishes to divorce? He has told his wife he wishes to divorce and right now she is in denial even though she knows things have be wrong for a long time. And I don't blame her one bit as I'm sure this is a very normal reaction Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redwoodgirl Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: Didn’t realize OP was married. What are your plans then, are you also filing for divorce? Waiting to see how things go for your affair partner - whether he actually follows through before upending your own life? Yes my plan is to also divorce. It is what I want even if things didn't move forward with my AP Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: What are your plans then, are you also filing for divorce? Waiting to see how things go for your affair partner - whether he actually follows through before upending your own life? Yes, it's tricky as far as both of you separating/divorcing. This was mentioned in your initial thread : Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 what steps has he taken to "start the process of separating" do they live at seperate addresses? do they have a seperation agreement drawn up and filed with the court? has he retained an attorney? has she? I'm sorry I would still be skeptical at this point. It seems that all that's happened is, "he told me that he told her that he wants a divorce." That's not really "a thing," y'know? He could just be keeping you sweet. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 1 hour ago, Redwoodgirl said: Yes my plan is to also divorce. It is what I want even if things didn't move forward with my AP How far along are you in your process to divorce? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 Focus on your own divorce. Regarding him, there’s nothing to do. He will have to sort out the details with his wife. You both have a long way to go. Please don’t bend over backwards attempting to be the nurturer and carer in this process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 36 minutes ago, glows said: Focus on your own divorce. Regarding him, there’s nothing to do. He will have to sort out the details with his wife. You both have a long way to go. Seconded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Redwoodgirl Posted July 5, 2022 Author Share Posted July 5, 2022 1 hour ago, stillafool said: How far along are you in your process to divorce? I have a consult with an attorney in 2 weeks Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 5, 2022 Share Posted July 5, 2022 2 minutes ago, Redwoodgirl said: I have a consult with an attorney in 2 weeks Have you told your husband yet? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 On 7/5/2022 at 2:54 PM, Redwoodgirl said: He has told his wife he wishes to divorce and right now she is in denial even though she knows things have be wrong for a long time. And I don't blame her one bit as I'm sure this is a very normal reaction How can you be so sure he told her? I do not know if I could trust a man that has cheated on his wife. I also don't think it's your place to support him through a divorce. Back away let your divorce and his become final then see where you are. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 Curious, is he also thinking about holding your hand and supporting you through your divorce (if you actually decide to divorce). On 7/5/2022 at 12:54 PM, Redwoodgirl said: He has told his wife he wishes to divorce and right now she is in denial even though she knows things have be wrong for a long time. And I don't blame her one bit as I'm sure this is a very normal reaction That, in itself, means nothing. Couples work things out and give each other second or third or tenth chances. She might convince him to do some cancelling or something. Couples separate and get back together all the time. He might decide that a divorce is not worth all that after seeing a lawyer. Wanting a divorce and actually getting a divorce are two very different things. I don't know. Either work on your own marriage or get a divorce. But if you choose to divorce, do it for yourself, and not because you envision your future with him. He may decide to stay with his wife in a long run. Let him handle this on his own. He is a grown up and doesn't need your help. Put yourself first and foremost. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 On 7/5/2022 at 8:54 PM, Redwoodgirl said: He has told his wife he wishes to divorce and right now she is in denial Is this all? Or has he also contacted a lawyer to formally initiate the legal proceedings? Because until he has done the latter, I would not assume that he is really leaving her. Many people chicken out and decide to stay in the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Myabee Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 On 7/5/2022 at 5:51 PM, Redwoodgirl said: I have a consult with an attorney in 2 weeks Does not matter if you have a consult as far as supporting MM. Divorces take time and can be messy. You need time to deal with your stuff and he his. End the affair and make it a partnership once divorces are final. I don't mean to sound brazen, I just learned a-lot from being an OW is all. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 7, 2022 Share Posted July 7, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Is this all? Or has he also contacted a lawyer to formally initiate the legal proceedings? Because until he has done the latter, I would not assume that he is really leaving her. Many people chicken out and decide to stay in the marriage. These are my thoughts as well. Tread with care, OP. Keep working on disentangling yourself from your marriage and divorcing your husband if that’s what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
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