SallyTrue82 Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 My first post on here as I have no idea where to turn. Apologies its a long story. So around 18 months ago, I started talking more openly with a work colleague, we have been friends for over 16 years and always had a flirty relationship, we were both going through tough times and I guess talking to each other bought us closer. I had been married for 9 years at this point and been unhappy for many of those. The more we spoke the more I knew my feelings were growing which also confirmed to me that my marriage was over so I left my husband. I have never cheated on a partner and I knew I couldn’t take any further steps whilst I was still married. Once I left our relationship escalated and we grew closer and closer, taking steps forward all whilst he was telling me he was leaning towards leaving his wife. My husband found out a while later and although we weren’t together he still found it disrespectful and confronted my friend about it which made him end the relationship a couple of weeks later. He said he needed to put effort into his marriage for the sake of the children even after telling me that staying for the children wasnt the right thing to do. After another 9 months of no talking or contact (I couldn’t deal with him at work, i would get too upset) i saw him one day and felt like i needed to explain why i didnt talk as i felt rude. We had a massive chat with him basically telling me he still had strong feelings for me and that he ended it because he felt too stressed and pressured to carry on. After that conversation it started back up again for a couple of months, but it was different this time, it was more about spending time together and making plans together, we went away for a night and he was affectionate with me in public, we spoke all day every day. Apparently his wife found out and so he ended it again, saying that he started it back up again because of how he felt and that he didn’t want to lose me but found it hard not being able to spend much time with me etc but felt he owed it to his kids to try one last time to make it work. So now I am left broken again, I can’t concentrate on anything, I genuinely feel that we are soul mates and we are meant to be together. We were such good friends and I know he wouldn’t have done this to use me. Surely him coming back meant something, i think he is genuinely too scared to leave because its such a massive change. How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. I know some of you may feel that I was wrong for going back when I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place but I had to follow my heart. I dont want to be alone forever but I also dont want to ever be with anyone but him I just dont know what to do with myself Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 57 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: ... I had to follow my heart. I dont want to be alone forever but I also dont want to ever be with anyone but him No, you have self-control and choices, and following your heart certainly isn't using your brain in a worthwhile way. As for "don't want to ever be with anyone but him," that's another erroneous feeling. You CAN and WOULD find someone else if you started dating single, available men. It would probably take time, and you'd have to make choices about who is good for you and who is not, rather than fall for someone who isn't good for you because of your "heart." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 1 hour ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. I dont want to be alone forever but I also dont want to ever be with anyone but him. Sorry this is happening. Are you legally divorced and living apart? Unfortunately it's not your call to "make him see" that he should leave his wife. If he wanted to, he would have. Cheating involves a lot of deceit, including telling you how horrible his wife/marriage is. Sadly this is the classic "my wife doesn't understand me" line. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 1 hour ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. You can't. And you shouldn't try. You need to stay out of their marriage now, and respect his choice to end this. Don't be the woman who won't take "no" for an answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, SallyTrue82 said: I know some of you may feel that I was wrong for going back when I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place but I had to follow my heart. You say that you were following your heart but my friend, I would suggest that your heart has really led you astray. You really need to raise your standards. This man unceremoniously left you twice when you was discovered - where was your self respect when he came back after the first time? Were you under the impression that he too would leave his marriage such that you could be together? Because, like so many other women who believe real life is like the rom-coms, you seriously underestimated his commitment to you. He chose his wife and rather unceremoniously dumped you when you were discovered. That should have been enough to shake you from your affair fog… but, when he came around again offering false promises - and you fell for it again. And then, when his wife discovered your secret affair, he has dumped you - again!! That you are still going on about soul mates and moaning about the fact that you will never love another man… this man chose another woman - twice!! He owed it to his children to try and make it work - please! His children were not on his mind while he has been sneaking around making plans with you. 1 hour ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. You don’t know that his marriage is unhappy. The only thing we know with certainty is that he is a cad - he is dishonest, unfaithful, and trustworthy. He has lied to his wife, and he has lied to you about his intentions. That’s not a good man. And why you think you would have a different experience than his wife, I’m not sure. How can you get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isn’t right - you can’t. It’s his decision, and he has chosen to stay with his family. You must stop interfering in their marriage - you have no right to do so. You say - surely he can’t love his wife if he is cheating on her. I say with kindness and what will feel like brutal honesty, surely he does not love you if he has walked away twice when discovered. If he wanted to divorce and be in a legitimate relationship with you, the opportunity presented itself - and he chose his marriage. 1 hour ago, SallyTrue82 said: We were such good friends and I know he wouldn’t have done this to use me. Surely him coming back meant something, i Time to take those rose coloured glasses off, I’m afraid. Your soul mate just chose to stay in his marriage. I’m sure it hurts to consider this, but that is exactly what he has done - he used you when it was convenient for him and he discarded you when he got caught. That’s not love, it’s not even my definition of friendship. Him coming back simply meant, he missed whatever he was enjoying in your affair… Edited July 1, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 You're in love with a mirage, if he had any respect for you, he'd do the right thing and be with you completely, or leave you alone entirely and not play with your emotions like he has. It's hard medicine to take, but you are the problem here, and worth so much more, you just need to realize it and move on. Emotions involved with affairs are hard though, they cloud your judgment and grind-down your self-worth until you are left in a helpless situation emotionally, digging out is the hardest part, realizing what has happened. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SallyTrue82 Posted July 1, 2022 Author Share Posted July 1, 2022 No I’m not legally divorced but we are separated, living separately and have been for 12 months Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 10 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: No I’m not legally divorced but we are separated, living separately and have been for 12 months Good for you that you're divorced but you are in love with someone else's husband. Your soulmate lied to you twice about leaving his wife; but when challenged he runs back to her. Just so you know he won't lose his kids if he divorces his wife. They use "the kids" excuse because it makes them sound noble and a great father. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 (edited) 20 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: No I’m not legally divorced but we are separated, living separately and have been for 12 months Focus on getting that finalized. Enlist the help of a good therapist to navigate the emotional throes of divorce. Keep in mind, now that you are almost single, unavailable men won't appeal to you, so affairs have no purpose. A lot of affairs have a theme of "we'll leave out rotten spouse and ride off into the sunset together". But as you have seen, he's not on board with that. Edited July 1, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SallyTrue82 Posted July 1, 2022 Author Share Posted July 1, 2022 I wasn’t attracted to him because he was married, there has always been something there. Apologies if I have annoyed people by my honest post, I never said that what I have done is ok but it has happened. I have no intention of getting involved with his marriage and have respected his choice. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 (edited) 43 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: Apologies if I have annoyed people by my honest post You haven’t annoyed anyone, we sincerely want to help you here. In return, you will receive honest advice from the posters, many of whom have lived this on both sides and all of whom want to save you some grief by sharing their experiences and the wisdom they have gained. I hope you at least read and consider what is posted. 43 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: I have no intention of getting involved with his marriage and have respected his choice. Except that you have already involved yourself in his marriage. And, you came here, among other reasons, to ask this - 2 hours ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. How are you coping with the end of this relationship Sally? Do you have a counsellor? Are you able to spend time with friends or family members? Do you have some hobbies to keep you busy and distract your mind? Edited July 1, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SallyTrue82 Posted July 1, 2022 Author Share Posted July 1, 2022 I’m not coping with the end of the relationship which is why I posted and I knew there were going to be harsh truths that i needed to hear. I received counselling after the first time it ended but it didnt really help me, my friends and family are doing all they can to be supportive but there is only so much they can do. at the moment i am still only getting around 4 hrs sleep a night as i cannot shut down and i get upset every time i wake up. i appreciate i got myself into this mess however I genuinely feel that its not over and in which case i cant move on from it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 (edited) 16 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: I’m not coping with the end of the relationship Sorry this is happening. It seems like a tsunami of pain from a divorce and an affair ending back-to-back. Deal with the divorce. Sadly affairs are often Band-Aids for bad marriages but you're out now. Then you can date single honest men who can give you their whole heart. Edited July 1, 2022 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 I’m sorry to hear that Sally. I wonder if perhaps you should consider a visit to your physician. Medication may help you though this difficult time. I would also suggest that you try to find a different counsellor - sometimes counselling isn’t helpful and maybe that’s because it just wasn’t the right person. Or maybe, it just wasn’t the right time. I would encourage you not to give up on counselling. You say that you genuinely feel like it’s not over - if I may, I hope it’s over. It’s not healthy for you to stay in this relationship. Every time he comes around and leaves, he takes a little bit more of your self esteem, your confidence, your mental and emotional well-being. He leaves you more broken than he found you - He has chosen his family - does not matter why, whether they are good together or not - he is where he has chosen to be and as such, you need to try to let go. There is no happy ending when you are in love with another woman’s husband. Just pain, frustration, loneliness, and despair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SallyTrue82 Posted July 1, 2022 Author Share Posted July 1, 2022 Thank you. Yes I am going to file for divorce as soon as I can afford to do so, at least that will be finalised then. With regards to counselling I have started looking at other options this week, as agree with what you say not everyone is suitable. I know I shouldn’t want him back and I should have had more respect for myself the first time. I’m just not strong enough when it comes to him. I have never had mental health issues before but think its just the knock on effect of marriage ending, moving house, having affair and that ending. All too much at the same time. I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and I hate myself for having these thoughts. I’ve always been the strong one but this has completely ruined me and I can’t see a way out Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 (edited) 29 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and I hate myself for having these thoughts. Hugs Sally. This will get better. Give it some time, because it will get better with time and distance. Glad to hear that you are searching for another counsellor. Different time, you may see things differently (particularly if you find someone you connect with). You have literally nothing to lose for trying - I hope you find someone who can offer the kind of support you need. Affairs are insidious things… you get drawn in by the wonder of it all but, the whole experience damages people in a way that they could never have known. The pain of betrayal causes devastation (not only for the people involved, but the spouses, the children, the family members, the friends). Of course, the end of your affair on the heels of the end of you marriage compounds the stress and the grief you are feeling. It sounds cliche but, radical self care! Try to get some exercise, eat well, try to sleep, keep busy with hobbies and spend time with friends and family. I know you want this man back but - you need to get off this roller coaster before it destroys you. If he loved you and wanted the best for you, he would end it and you would never hear from the man again. That’s what love looks like in this situation. Married or not, re-engaging with an unavailable man who has broken your heart twice before is not a good decision. Edited July 1, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 He throws you under the bus whenever his wife finds out, there is no honor in "staying for the kids" when his W is likely making him choose. Do you still have to see him at work? I couldn't handle that sort of emotional torture. I know you don't want to move on but as you can see from all of the broken-hearted people in this section people with children rarely leave their spouses, hell, rarely even leave WITHOUT kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 23 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: there is no honor in "staying for the kids" when his W is likely making him choose. He is likely working pretty hard to make amends right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 You weren't dating a married man you were having an affair. One is done openly and the other in secret. A lot of APs come back after a dday, when their spouse has relaxed even slightly. I hate to say it but it's often because it's easier than finding a new AP. As said before you didn't have to follow your heart, you made conscious decisions to act the way you did with someone who wasn't free to be with you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 5 hours ago, SallyTrue82 said: How can I get him to see that staying in an unhappy marriage isnt right, he cant love his wife for doing this to her twice. Well he did chose her twice and went back. So I ask you, how can you still believe he's in love with you when he's chosen her twice over you? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Luna66star Posted July 1, 2022 Share Posted July 1, 2022 It's great you will file for divorce and taking action in that regard but don't count on MM being available. Many MM and MW are unhappy. However MM find it very hard to give up the comforts that a marriage offers. The kids, financial reasons all keep them tied to the mother of their children. Unless wife kicks him out, they will stay and attempt to have their cake and eat it too. Why upset the wife, kids and go through all the legal challenges of a divorce. If MM has a reasonable friendship with wife and they get along for the most part - they won't leave. You are making it easy for them to stay because you aren't demanding much. Except a bit of their time. Even if MM does leave, they are going to want to play the field before settling down seriously with a new woman. He will dump you. Sorry to be pessimistic. I'm asking you to be realistic. Is he the only man on this earth 🌎? No. Please dispense with the oneonitus. If he were your soul mate - he would be with you and not the wife!!. Forget about this guy! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SallyTrue82 Posted July 2, 2022 Author Share Posted July 2, 2022 Yes I have no doubt he is trying to make things work at home now. Yes I still have to see him at work, not daily and I obviously avoid where possible. I have been with the company a long time and I can’t walk away from the security of it now i am on my own. i’m not saying he is in love with me but I know he does have deep feelings for me…obvs not enough for him to leave I agree with that, I don’t think he has chosen her twice as such, he has chosen the ease and comfort of his home life even though he isn’t happy Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 5 hours ago, SallyTrue82 said: I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up and I hate myself for having these thoughts. I’ve always been the strong one but this has completely ruined me and I can’t see a way out Unfortunately, you gave him power over you. You did the right thing by leaving a marriage in which you were not happy. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, which is why he went crawling back to his wife twice. He has lied to you (and to his wife). He has no intention of leaving his marriage. He never did. He's not worthy of the pain you are feeling. You are STILL a strong woman, you just have to be determined NOT to let this man sway you with his smooth words (which are lies, as you know now.) Instead of wishing he would leave her to be with you, I wish you would find your anger at his deception. Again, he is not worthy of your pain and anguish. He's a lying, cheating cad. Even if he did leave his wife, you know he's a cheater. He isn't likely to change. Please find your anger at being deceived and used by him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 37 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: I don’t think he has chosen her twice as such, he has chosen the ease and comfort of his home life even though he isn’t happy Unfortunately, this is an age old tale. Read the infidelity board. You'll find story after story after story of women who fell in love with their AP, only to find he would never leave his wife. They hung on for years and years with the promise he was going to leave when the time was right - after the kids graduated....after the kids left home....yada, yada, yada. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2022 Share Posted July 2, 2022 41 minutes ago, SallyTrue82 said: I don’t think he has chosen her twice as such, he has chosen the ease and comfort of his home life even though he isn’t happy Whatever the reason, he is home with his family tonight. In that way, he has chosen her twice. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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