Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 Hi everyone I wanted to post this here because I need to vent somewhere and hopefully can have some good feedback. I’m 24, the middle child. My older sister is 29, and we have a younger sister who is 19. This concerns my older sister and some of the choices she’s made in the last year or so. Around February of last year my sister confided in me that she was cheating on her husband with a coworker. I was really upset with her but for some reason she thought I’d be ok with what she was up to? She was actually upset with me when I told her she was wrong and she needed to tell her husband what she was up to. But she thinks she’s smarter than she is and said he’d never find out. So I talked to our mom about it. I was so upset I literally felt sick. Well that caused even more drama as my mother confronted her and she got really angry at me for not being trustworthy! I’m not trustworthy to the woman who’s cheating? Yeah, ok. Well I agonized about telling her husband but I didn’t have to because apparently he knew because she wasn’t really smart about covering her tracks. So he ended up throwing her out of the house. Now she’s living with our parents which is awkward because they’re both really angry with her. She can’t explain why she did it, her excuses change every time she tries to explain her actions. But she’s also continuing to see the guy she cheated with. That’s causing tons of stress on our family because my parents made it clear that he’s not welcome in their home or at things like family functions which has my sister angry at them. So she also has two kids, my nieces ages 5 and 3. For now they are with their dad all week and come to my parents on the weekend. But she’s never home! She spends the weekend with this guy and might see my nieces for a few hours on Friday afternoon and a few hours on Sunday before their dad picks them up. Last weekend was our parent’s anniversary and they decided the were renting a cabin and spending the weekend alone. So my sister wanted to leave the kids with our little sister. She’s 19! My dad said nope. He didn’t feel safe with my little sister being home alone and asked me if I’d let her stay with me for the weekend. I was fine with that. So our older sister then wanted me to take my nieces too! I have a roommate who I know doesn’t mind my little sister being there but to ask her to put up with a five and a three year old too is a lot. They’re wonderful little girls but that are a handful! And I feel like my roomie didn’t sign up for all that. So I told my older sister maybe she needs to be a mother for the weekend and spend the time with her kids. She told me she’s got plans to go to some wine tasting thing on Friday night and a wedding with this guy Saturday night! Not my problem I told her! Hanging out with my younger sister is one thing but watching my two nieces, and trying to maintain a busy schedule at work was too much. So now she had to miss her plans last weekend and said some of the meanest stuff to me about not being there for her. I am so upset and stressed out about this. I’ve got so much going on right now between work and my (so called) love life (maybe another post about that some day!). Thank you for reading my rant. It feels good to get this off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 9 minutes ago, Jessica_W_1998 said: my sister confided in me that she was cheating on her husband with a coworker. But she’s also continuing to see the guy she cheated with. That’s causing tons of stress on our family because my parents made it clear that he’s not welcome in their home or at things like family functions which has my sister angry at them. Sorry you were put in this position. You were right to confide in your mother. You're also right to not "cover" for her by babysitting. You don't have to tell her husband, that's her job, but you're under no obligation to condone or cover for her trysts. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 23, 2022 Share Posted June 23, 2022 I'm not sure if you're looking for help or suggestions at all or just ranting. You can't control what your sister does and it's clear she senses she's not welcome anywhere but with the man she had the affair with or whom she's currently seeing at the moment. In future say No to babysitting her kids and let her or your parents find suitable arrangements for your nieces. Maybe you have difficulty saying no to your parents or what they ask of you. Do you find that to be the case? Practice saying NO more often. Distance yourself emotionally from your sister's personal choices. They're not your choices. Stay on track with your work and anything else you have going for yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 23, 2022 Author Share Posted June 23, 2022 43 minutes ago, glows said: I'm not sure if you're looking for help or suggestions at all or just ranting. You can't control what your sister does and it's clear she senses she's not welcome anywhere but with the man she had the affair with or whom she's currently seeing at the moment. In future say No to babysitting her kids and let her or your parents find suitable arrangements for your nieces. Maybe you have difficulty saying no to your parents or what they ask of you. Do you find that to be the case? Practice saying NO more often. Distance yourself emotionally from your sister's personal choices. They're not your choices. Stay on track with your work and anything else you have going for yourself. Pretty much just ranting. I did say no and will continue to. My parents have never once tried to influence me to help her out. In fact my mother and her had a massive fight a few weeks ago because she leaves the kids every chance she gets. As for my parents my sister knows they’ll never say no to having the girls because they love them so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 24, 2022 Author Share Posted June 24, 2022 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry you were put in this position. You were right to confide in your mother. You're also right to not "cover" for her by babysitting. You don't have to tell her husband, that's her job, but you're under no obligation to condone or cover for her trysts. Well her husband figured it out. I guess she wasn’t really good at covering her tracks. And no I will not enable her by babysitting. Don’t get me wrong I love my little nieces so much but I’m not going to enable their mother. She’s in for a shock when the divorce come through and he has full custody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 (edited) Sounds like she needs to bite the bullet and hire a sitter if you won't help her out. Since she's now single, she's probably interested interested in looking for new partners or at least having a bit of fun on some evenings. C'est la vie. But finding supervision for her kids is ultimately her responsibility. Leaning on friends and family for this is always a "favor" and for better or worse should not be an "expectation"/entitlement. Edited June 24, 2022 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 17 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said: And no I will not enable her by babysitting. Nor should you and I agree with Mark that she should hire a sitter. Why haven't you guys told her this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 24, 2022 Share Posted June 24, 2022 fwiw, i think you're in the right. your sister expecting you to be dishonest and/or using her children as pawns in her games is pretty gross. family or not, you don't have to assist or agree with her choices. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted June 25, 2022 Share Posted June 25, 2022 You seriously need to distance yourself from your older sister, and get yourself into a position where her life choices can't stress you out, because you are safely at a distance and not mixed up in her drama. You have zero control over her choices and how she lives her life. So don't agonize over it, just stay out of it. Make it clear that you won't be babysitting. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted June 25, 2022 Share Posted June 25, 2022 I am sorry to hear that this has been stressful for you, as your sister has put you in an awkward position. This treatment is totally inexcusable. Encourage her to hire a nanny and keep her private affairs private. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 25, 2022 Author Share Posted June 25, 2022 9 hours ago, stillafool said: Nor should you and I agree with Mark that she should hire a sitter. Why haven't you guys told her this? Well you can’t really tell her much these days. She’s in this so called “affair fog” where she thinks this new guy is the center of the universe and she’s neglecting almost anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 25, 2022 Author Share Posted June 25, 2022 2 hours ago, ShyViolet said: You seriously need to distance yourself from your older sister, and get yourself into a position where her life choices can't stress you out, because you are safely at a distance and not mixed up in her drama. You have zero control over her choices and how she lives her life. So don't agonize over it, just stay out of it. Make it clear that you won't be babysitting. I have made it clear to her that I am not interested in hearing about her affair or how great this guy supposedly is. I posed this question to her “If the guy didn’t respect your marriage what makes you think he’ll respect his relationship with you?” Also I asked her if she got bored with her husband and cheated what makes he think she won’t get bored with this new guy? That led to another argument so I’ve given up on even discussing her “relationship”. She’s in a fog and meanwhile my brother in law is full steam ahead with divorce proceedings as far as I know. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 25, 2022 Share Posted June 25, 2022 16 hours ago, Jessica_W_1998 said: Well you can’t really tell her much these days. She’s in this so called “affair fog” where she thinks this new guy is the center of the universe and she’s neglecting almost anything else. It's really only a matter of you guy's telling her the next time she ask to watch the kids, "sorry you're going to have to hire a sitter or stay home with them". It sounds like the kid's father should have the main custody at this time in your sister's life. She may agree. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 26, 2022 Share Posted June 26, 2022 Good for you to sticking to your guns on this, OP. Your sister is going to learn the hard way how much she messed up her own life. Eventually, this new relationship-thrill will wear off. Her new boyfriend will probably not stick around for a long time. Then reality will hit her like a ton of bricks, when she's left single and without primary custody of her own kids, living at Mommy and Daddy's. Which makes me wonder, does she has any plans to get her own place? How long do you suppose your parents will be willing to put her up before they're asking her to leave too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 26, 2022 Author Share Posted June 26, 2022 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Good for you to sticking to your guns on this, OP. Your sister is going to learn the hard way how much she messed up her own life. Eventually, this new relationship-thrill will wear off. Her new boyfriend will probably not stick around for a long time. Then reality will hit her like a ton of bricks, when she's left single and without primary custody of her own kids, living at Mommy and Daddy's. Which makes me wonder, does she has any plans to get her own place? How long do you suppose your parents will be willing to put her up before they're asking her to leave too? You know this is a discussion I’ve had with my younger sister about this. My dad is getting ready to retire next year and my mom is a teacher so she had summers off. They are both planning to travel a lot after my father retires and we believe they’re not going to want to have to deal with this much longer. My parents are both really unhappy with my sister and he choices. A little background: my parents are Puerto Rican and somewhat conservative in their views on marriage and relationships. So her infidelity is a really sore spot with them. My dad is particularly upset by the whole thing. As far as how long they’ll put up with it I don’t know. If my brother in law gets full custody and she doesn’t even have the kids on the weekends will my parents let her still start there? We don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
SingFish Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 I'm really close to my sister and her son, so whilst she would know better than to ask me to tell lies I would always be there for her and her kid. He remembers this now, we did have some joyful times when he was young. On 6/26/2022 at 8:52 AM, Jessica_W_1998 said: As far as how long they’ll put up with it I don’t know. If my brother in law gets full custody and she doesn’t even have the kids on the weekends will my parents let her still start there? We don’t know. Your sister is making some mistakes, there is no need to be harsh with her, life catches up with us all fairly quickly. At 19 someone is quite capable of taking care of children but that's not the point, they are your sister's responsibility. She will be broken-hearted later when she realizes her mistakes and she'll need love and support. These things can bring people closer or tear families apart. Link to post Share on other sites
siren8272 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 Maybe I am built different...because the way these new husbands set up. Theres no person more single than a married person especially on a dating site. I dont condone cheating BUT i recommend you mind the business that pays you as the gen zers say. Its not your marriage, not your husband and not your concern. I agree if you dont want to enable her dont babysit and help her cheat. You also dont know what her hubby has/ had been up to. She could have caught him cheating and feels justified. Sister or not you cant control her and just stay way out of it trust me telling on her will do nothing. I bet since she knows how you feel about it she will not confide in you anymore...cheat or not shes still your sister. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
siren8272 Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 (edited) I also want to add why does it seem that your familiy has more loyalty to the hubby who isnt their blood from what i understand over their own daughter? Right or wrong I mean at least stand behind your family she didnt cheat on ya'll. Kicking her out for cheating is harsh and will def lead to an estrangement. I mean you see people's mothers on the news knowing their kid was wrong still not drag them in public. I just think maybe your sister's cheating is because she feels unloved ijs ...ok ill put the psychology degree away. Just something that stuck out to me. In other words y"all are behaving in a manner that one would expect HIS FAMILY to act. Shes not a stranger shes your sister. Edited June 28, 2022 by siren8272 clarification 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 1 hour ago, siren8272 said: ight or wrong I mean at least stand behind your family They already are. She is living with her parents again, and they offer childcare. Beyond that, they absolutely do not need to support her choice to cheat. 1 hour ago, siren8272 said: I just think maybe your sister's cheating is because she feels unloved No, she cheated because she is selfish. You feel unloved, you get a divorce. Not have an affair and blow up your family. Her behaviour is atrocious and her family does not need to pretend they are okay with it, especially when it comes to her disinterest in her own kids. Link to post Share on other sites
SingFish Posted June 28, 2022 Share Posted June 28, 2022 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: No, she cheated because she is selfish. You feel unloved, you get a divorce. Not have an affair and blow up your family. Her behaviour is atrocious and her family does not need to pretend they are okay with it, especially when it comes to her disinterest in her own kids. The way to influence her isn't to judge and turn their backs. We've all done something terrible and had to return to our family/friends subdued...hopefully to be loved and helped. I'd never turn my back on my sister or she on me. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jessica_W_1998 Posted June 28, 2022 Author Share Posted June 28, 2022 15 hours ago, siren8272 said: I also want to add why does it seem that your familiy has more loyalty to the hubby who isnt their blood from what i understand over their own daughter? Right or wrong I mean at least stand behind your family she didnt cheat on ya'll. Kicking her out for cheating is harsh and will def lead to an estrangement. I mean you see people's mothers on the news knowing their kid was wrong still not drag them in public. I just think maybe your sister's cheating is because she feels unloved ijs ...ok ill put the psychology degree away. Just something that stuck out to me. In other words y"all are behaving in a manner that one would expect HIS FAMILY to act. Shes not a stranger shes your sister. Not sure where you think my family is more loyal to her husband. I mean she screwed up and my parents are old school and don’t believe in cheating so of course they’re going to call her on it. And the o e who kicked her out was the husband not my parents. They took her in. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted June 29, 2022 Share Posted June 29, 2022 Could you or your parents convince your sister to try some counselling? It might help her in some ways. Even to understand what she actually wants out of life at this point. The best case scenario is that with the help of a counselling she is going to get her priorities straight and is going to snap out of the affair fog and see things more clearly. She needs to plan for the own future as a single mother (assuming she wants to have kids in her life) but she needs to get get her head straight first. I would say that even thou she is wrong, be there for her emotionally. :Let's just hope that at some point she is not going to feel lost and overwhelmed and start sinking even further, 2 Link to post Share on other sites
siren8272 Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 On 6/28/2022 at 4:38 PM, Jessica_W_1998 said: Not sure where you think my family is more loyal to her husband. I mean she screwed up and my parents are old school and don’t believe in cheating so of course they’re going to call her on it. And the o e who kicked her out was the husband not my parents. They took her in. Im going off you saying that you are wondering how long before they kick her out. Also them calling her out is wrong too bc not their marriage either. they dont have to like it , but not their beeswax. From the tone of the whole post it appeared your fam supports him more than your sister. Again shes still YALLS family blood NOT HIM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
siren8272 Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 On 6/28/2022 at 2:38 AM, ExpatInItaly said: They already are. She is living with her parents again, and they offer childcare. Beyond that, they absolutely do not need to support her choice to cheat. No, she cheated because she is selfish. You feel unloved, you get a divorce. Not have an affair and blow up your family. Her behaviour is atrocious and her family does not need to pretend they are okay with it, especially when it comes to her disinterest in her own kids. They can STAY OUT OF IT. Thats what they can do...what sense does it make she didnt cheat on them so why are they so pressed? No it's not right , but she didnt murder anyone..her BLOOD family is way to involved in this. Mom and Dad need to worry about their own marriage and make sure the other is cheating. Which is why I say theres nobody more single than a married person on a dating app, but maybe im biased bc i dont believe in nor wish to get married. Had the sister not been married I bet cheating wouldnt have occurred marriage adds a legal layer that makes people stay and cheat. Again maybe im biased i describe myself as a "whole city girl" so marriage isnt even in my thoughts and im 40. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2022 Share Posted June 30, 2022 2 minutes ago, siren8272 said: They can STAY OUT OF IT. She is living in their house and expects them to care for her children. If she wants everyone to stay out of it, she can out on her Big Girl Pants and find a new place to live - and not expect her parents and sisters to look after her kids when she doesn't want to. 4 minutes ago, siren8272 said: her BLOOD family is way to involved in this. She involved them when she moved into their house. 12 minutes ago, siren8272 said: Mom and Dad need to worry about their own marriage and make sure the other is cheating I don't think Mom and Dad's marriage has anything to do with this. 6 minutes ago, siren8272 said: Had the sister not been married I bet cheating wouldnt have occurred Because people don't cheat on partners they're not married to? Forgive me, but that makes no sense and is not true. Link to post Share on other sites
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