Confessions from an EX OW.

[Myabee]

Hello All. It's been some months since I posted or read anything here or anywhere. I copied  and pasted the link to my intial very long thread below that gives my entire story. I wanted to say this. If you are the OW I relate. I feel what you feel in an OW sense. I also wanted you all to know being the OW in my opinion, NOT worth it. The heartache, confusion and stress takes it's toll. I went on like that for 18 bplus months with a MM. Then went on even futher  in my head after D Day End of Nov 2021. So where am  I now? I’m not missing him at all any more. I last spoke to him on April 10th of this year and I will not get into details of how that came to be. One thing I do know is I had placed him on a pedastal in my head for far to long all while losing a  big part of my self respectl.. Looking back now, none of this was worth it. The love I had I was convinced would never go away. Guess what? It went away. I am still working on not beating mysef up for allowing myself to fall into something like this.  fact is, I made a choice. I did it to myself by staying hooked and in. Now I can be free a little more each day. A little more each day of forgiving  myself. I have many flasbacks on occasion  and still some darker days. But boy.. what difference from Jan 2021. You know they say that relationship’s that really never came to be are the hardest to get over. I will agree with that as basically that’s what an affair is. My strength is   amazing I have learned.

My initial stoiry: 

tps://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/602308-do-they-actually-leave/

Edited June 22, 2022 by Myabee

[stillafool]

Good for you Myabee.  It was a long road for you, that's for sure.  So glad to see you made it to the other side.

[Myabee]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Good for you Myabee.  It was a long road for you, that's for sure.  So glad to see you made it to the other side.

Thanks! Working on forgiving myself daily and trying hard to keep in control of not so pleasant flashbacks.   

[stillafool]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

rying hard to keep in control of not so pleasant flashbacks.   

This will happen from time to time.  Just breathe and redirect your mind and thoughts.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This will happen from time to time.  Just breathe and redirect your mind and thoughts.

Everyday. I hope my experience serves a purpose for the better good to help out someone else. Truly being in an OW situation is simply not worth it.  

[Will am I]

I think it’s brave for a woman to come out in the open about being (having been) the other woman in an extramarital affair.

If only because this provides honest perspectives for women who are getting into these affairs. The men are in question are sometimes promising the sun and the moon (“my marriage is over, all it needs is some formalities”. “I will leave my wife after the holidays”. “you are my soulmate”). If their AP is falling in love, she may believe this and get caught up in a bad situation.

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, Will am I said:

I think it’s brave for a woman to come out in the open about being (having been) the other woman in an extramarital affair.

If only because this provides honest perspectives for women who are getting into these affairs. The men are in question are sometimes promising the sun and the moon (“my marriage is over, all it needs is some formalities”. “I will leave my wife after the holidays”. “you are my soulmate”). If their AP is falling in love, she may believe this and get caught up in a bad situation.

I took time the other day to read back through my long 78 page thread from last July. I realize just how blind I was. I realize I needed to take my power back. MM rarely leave this I know now. The mental  and physical toll this all takes on a person is something that can be avoided if OM and OW take a quick step back and say STOP sooner rather than later. From my heart I mean it! 

[IfWishesWereHorses]

16 hours ago, Myabee said:

You know they say that relationship’s that really never came to be are the hardest to get over. I will agree with that as basically that’s what an affair is. My strength is   amazing I have learned.

My initial stoiry: 

tps://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/602308-do-they-actually-leave/

My favorite poem from childhood was Maud Muller by John Greenleaf Whittier. This well known quote rings true. "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

[vla1120]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I took time the other day to read back through my long 78 page thread from last July. I realize just how blind I was. I realize I needed to take my power back. MM rarely leave this I know now. The mental  and physical toll this all takes on a person is something that can be avoided if OM and OW take a quick step back and say STOP sooner rather than later. From my heart I mean it! 

I'm glad you are in a better place. We all started posting on LS for one reason or another from many different perspectives. It's good to step out of the fog and realize you have valuable knowledge to share from your experience, hoping to prevent another person from living through the same pain you experienced.❤️

[Myabee]

23 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

My favorite poem from childhood was Maud Muller by John Greenleaf Whittier. This well known quote rings true. "For of all sad words of tongue or pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'"

I think in my case I was spared from what might have been... had we ended up together. The trust looking back now would be so iffy. 

[Myabee]

13 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I'm glad you are in a better place. We all started posting on LS for one reason or another from many different perspectives. It's good to step out of the fog and realize you have valuable knowledge to share from your experience, hoping to prevent another person from living through the same pain you experienced.❤️

Agreed. 😊

[Passionfruit500]

I often check on this forum, if there is any new and exciting thread..and just yesterday was wondering about you Myabee.. how you could be by now etc...and here it is, your update 🙂

Glad to read you are in a much better place.. I was following your story because mine is quite similar ( or rather, many OW stories have loads of similar traits...) I am just at the beginning of the healing process.. I guess finally I dropped the hopium pipe and need to pull myself together.. lost myself, my self respect, my spark in this ..

[Myabee]

37 minutes ago, Passionfruit500 said:

I often check on this forum, if there is any new and exciting thread..and just yesterday was wondering about you Myabee.. how you could be by now etc...and here it is, your update 🙂

Glad to read you are in a much better place.. I was following your story because mine is quite similar ( or rather, many OW stories have loads of similar traits...) I am just at the beginning of the healing process.. I guess finally I dropped the hopium pipe and need to pull myself together.. lost myself, my self respect, my spark in this ..

Hi. Thank you Passion for the kind words. It's a good thing you dropped the hope. I know how hard that is. We tend to hold hope for a long time and it feels sacred. I know I did for way to long. As for spirt, self respect yes I lost all of that as well. Come febuary,  I was depressed, sullen and felt no purpose. i continued to fixate on the what if's? Then come March when I was getting outside more to run and walk I dreaded those spots as often they were areas where I spent hours talking to him at. Fast forward to April that became easier. Now in June I can run through the park I like and tune that out. I can have my play list  cranked and not think of him. My spirit was slow to return. You take your time with this ok? Because when you do self care on your time it's genuine healing. You can get a little better each day. I fully get how crushing this is. However, the light is at the end of that tunnel.😊

[Bubble_20]

I’m pleased you’re in a much healthier place. Thank your lucky stars that you didn’t enter into a emotional AND physical affair with this MM. He did you a favour cutting ties before any long drawn out nonsense that might have wasted years of your life. 

You deserve so much more. 
 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Bubble_20 said:

I’m pleased you’re in a much healthier place. Thank your lucky stars that you didn’t enter into a emotional AND physical affair with this MM. He did you a favour cutting ties before any long drawn out nonsense that might have wasted years of your life. 

You deserve so much more. 
 

Oh it was 18 plus months that was long and drawn out. It was physical and  deeply emotional and did not end well. Luckily I did not end up with him. 

[mark clemson]

It's good that you are feeling happier and better! 🙂

[Passionfruit500]

On 6/22/2022 at 5:45 PM, Myabee said:

Everyday. I hope my experience serves a purpose for the better good to help out someone else. Truly being in an OW situation is simply not worth it.  

And you know what...I doubt anyone would learn from any story written in this forum..nope.

We just lurk, read them, comparing to our case... and despite the backbone is 90% the same in each stories... we think ours is different..special. and definitely will end not like these...but with happyending..

And then we are being dragged deeper and deeper.. compromising more and more, we desperately cling to the last bit of hope.. and after the tidious ride somehow it all dies away..

[Bubble_20]

Two months can turn into THREE YEARS!  Waiting around. 
Also, if you give yourself some time and distance to view your ‘relationship’, what is so attractive or appealing about a man who doesn’t have the balls to stand up for what he wants (i.e YOU!)?

Nobody likes hurting anyone, but doesn’t it gross you out knowing he is on holiday/sleeping with his fiancé… and texting you some bollocks at the same time? Real relationship material!

[Daliah]

That’s great to hear Mya,  that the scales have fallen and you can finally see more clearly.

I was recently on a cruise and a couple at the bar started chatting.   He was very amiable, as was she, but a little (ahem) ‘one over the eight’ shall we say, and was constantly touching her husband (this is my property, don’t be too familiar) and as she dominated the conversation, it became clear to me that she had previously been his concubine.  She was a bit drunk, he wasn’t particularly interested in having his life story aired at a ship’s bar, and she obviously found it very difficult to cope with his children being a part of their marriage.  My instinctive thought was, ‘goodness. What a way to live’..I didn’t see them more than once after that, at a distance!

All that glitters is not gold!

keep doing what you’re doing lovely, and open the door to happiness from within.

Edited June 25, 2022 by Daliah

[Myabee]

On 6/25/2022 at 3:20 AM, Daliah said:

keep doing what you’re doing lovely, and open the door to happiness from within.

Thank you. 

[Myabee]

On 6/25/2022 at 2:01 AM, Bubble_20 said:

Nobody likes hurting anyone, but doesn’t it gross you out knowing he is on holiday/sleeping with his fiancé… and texting you some bollocks at the same time? Real relationship material!

I have been pretty grossed out by this whole thing now that time has passed. A big red flag I missed was the fact that he is friends with ex wifes and ex girlfriends on social media. That right there shows he has no respect for his wife. Of course having an affair with me as well was proof of that. Him continuing to engage with females on social media while in a bad marriage to me is shady. I am glad I see the true character clearly now. I allowed myself to be used and disrespected that's on me. The anger at myself has been the hardest part for me. I still get pangs of anger... but have learned to distract myself and turn my attention to other things.  None of anything with him was worth the end result.     

Edited June 27, 2022 by Myabee

[Myabee]

On 6/24/2022 at 11:41 AM, Passionfruit500 said:

And you know what...I doubt anyone would learn from any story written in this forum..nope.

We just lurk, read them, comparing to our case... and despite the backbone is 90% the same in each stories... we think ours is different..special. and definitely will end not like these...but with happyending..

And then we are being dragged deeper and deeper.. compromising more and more, we desperately cling to the last bit of hope.. and after the tidious ride somehow it all dies away..

Well, Hopefully something I typed does reach someone and helps them think. 

[Brian1223]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I have been pretty grossed out by this whole thing now that time has passed. A big red flag I missed was the fact that he is friends with ex wifes and ex girlfriends on social media. That right there shows he has no respect for his wife. Of course having an affair with me as well was proof of that. Him continuing to engage with females on social media while in a bad marriage to me is shady. I am glad I see the true character clearly now. I allowed myself to be used and disrespected that's on me. The anger at myself has been the hardest part for me. I still get pangs of anger... but have learned to distract myself and turn my attention to other things.  None of anything with him was worth the end result.     

Don't be too hard on yourself. These feelings will pass. We all make mistakes, it's more about how we learn and move on from them. You're out now, don't focus too much on the past. 

I completely understand being "grossed out" by the whole thing. I am 1.5 years out of a very emotional and physical affair that lasted 10 months. He actually separated from his wife, but I chose to end it regardless of this, and I have never looked back. Once that affair fog lifts, it does make you feel sick what you allowed yourself to be a part of. But focus on the positives, onwards and upwards. Well done you. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Brian1223 said:

Don't be too hard on yourself. These feelings will pass. We all make mistakes, it's more about how we learn and move on from them. You're out now, don't focus too much on the past. 

I completely understand being "grossed out" by the whole thing. I am 1.5 years out of a very emotional and physical affair that lasted 10 months. He actually separated from his wife, but I chose to end it regardless of this, and I have never looked back. Once that affair fog lifts, it does make you feel sick what you allowed yourself to be a part of. But focus on the positives, onwards and upwards. Well done you. 

Good for you for getting out. I really commend you for not choosing him even after he separated from his wife. That is strength. You are right on the fog lifting then the after feelings of grossed out. That has occurred but each day that passes is one day more of freedom of me knowing that's behind me. Thank you for posting.  

[Myabee]

I wanted to share a little bit about the stupidity of a phone call I made to MM in April... April 10th to be exact. I was not going to get into it but you heal when you reveal.  It was pretty sly of me to ring dispatch at his work claiming some issue knowing the call would go to him. We ended up talking for 2 hours. At first he was like what the heck. Then went on talking. I was lashing out a bit. I flat out asked him to tell me he does not love me. He could not do that. I think I will always wonder why.??  This week has been a bit rough as it re hashes that camping trip he took then upon return wanted to turn things up. Anyway... I know this is just a bump and it too shall pass. For any OW reading this... don't do crazy things like I did with that call. Nothing comes from it. Thanks for reading.