Anxiety over long distance

[Jim_F]

Hi all!
I met a great girl recently and we immediatly began a full on relationship. she lives 150 miles away and we see each other when we can and have a great time but its further complicated by the fact she is moving to ireland soon.
We were both so idealistic about each other we decided on date 2 we really liked each other and would make it work.
All was going well for a few weeks but now, with her moving away date looming I've realised I've dived straight in head first with someone I don't know that well and am basically going to be putting my life on hold  while she gets on with hers.
She is very reassuring towards me and is already planning my trips over there and  I basically feel like she has 'decided' everything is going to work out between us - which is great but I have severe doubts.
It is starting to have an effect. Ive decided I really like her but am so anxious over what the future holds Ive started being 'off' with her - i'm constantly watching her social media messages to see if she has read my messages and wonder why she doesn't reply straight away.
I pick up on tiny details she says and wonder if she really likes me and have basically gotten obsessed, jealous and stressed over the whole thing and i cant understand why. I guess its all just so uncertain and feels like a massive commitment to someone who could just drop me at any time.
Recently she has backed off towards me considerably which doesn't help - she has gone from messaging ALL the time to barely at all and I THINK or at least HOPE its because she has taken the next step and is a bit more chilled about 'us' and doesn't feel the need to message all the time but she has kept reiterating that she considers herself single and is just enjoying seeing where things go. After her initial coming on so strong this feels like a red flag to me though. Am I just being childish?
I do talk to her about it all but no matter what she says my negativity just overrides everything. I think its because I crave closeness and connection but i won't be able to get that from her long term.

[glows]

It’s odd that she’s planning your trips there. Does that mean she makes no trips to you? Does she help foot the bill for your travels to her? She says she’s single so no, you’re not a couple. This is not a full on anything, least of all a relationship. It’s a great big nothing for you and yes, you will hurt yourself further believing she and you are an item. 

It sounds like she’s got the better end of the deal with you coming to her so rethink this. I think she suckered you into it filling that void you have needing closeness and companionship. LDRs are tricky. You especially want to make sure the person you’re meeting is who they say they are and of some decent character to invest any kind of travel or fun times.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Jim_F said:

I met a great girl recently and we immediatly began a full on relationship. I guess its all just so uncertain and feels like a massive commitment to someone who could just drop me at any time.

How long have you been dating? If she is moving, it's best not to get overinvested and continue to prepare for when she leaves. There's no reason to fret, because you met recently and she's moving away anyway.

[Jim_F]

1 hour ago, glows said:

 

 I think she suckered you into it filling that void you have needing closeness and companionship. LDRs are tricky. You especially want to make sure the person you’re meeting is who they say they are and of some decent character to invest any kind of travel or fun times.

She is lovely and reassures me all the time.... but my gut tells me otherwise. She has gone from acting totally in love with me to being stand-offish. Don't get me wrong, she still likes to chat/message a lot but is non-comittal about dates and things like that. She has also started taking the piss a lot! I can joke with the best of them but what she says feels personal and cutting now as opposed to just jokey.

[Jim_F]

58 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? If she is moving, it's best not to get overinvested and continue to prepare for when she leaves. There's no reason to fret, because you met recently and she's moving away anyway.

its too late about getting over-intersted - she came on to me VERY strongly -  on our first date we had sex, on our second she was telling me about our future together, she phoned me most nights but all that is now gone or going and its left me feeling incredibly anxious. I honestly don't know if she is just chilled out with me or an extremely talented emotional terrorist!

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Jim_F said:

She is lovely and reassures me all the time.... but my gut tells me otherwise. She has gone from acting totally in love with me to being stand-offish. Don't get me wrong, she still likes to chat/message a lot but is non-comittal about dates and things like that. She has also started taking the piss a lot! I can joke with the best of them but what she says feels personal and cutting now as opposed to just jokey.

It sounds like she’s stepping back because she senses you’re likely waaaay too invested. Step back and be involved in real life. I highly doubt she takes you seriously but you are still thinking of this like it’s a relationship. It’s not. 

[Jim_F]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

It sounds like she’s stepping back because she senses you’re likely waaaay too invested.  I highly doubt she takes you seriously but you are still thinking of this like it’s a relationship. It’s not. 

I think you are right. What should I do? Just carry on and be chill like she is? Or  talk to her about it? I feel like some damage has been done and not sure what to do

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Jim_F said:

I think you are right. What should I do? Just carry on and be chill like she is? Or  talk to her about it? I feel like some damage has been done and not sure what to do

She’s moving to Ireland which seems farther away, if I’m understanding correctly. What is the whole point of this? Like or love has little to do with whether you keep putting yourself on the line for this imaginary far away unattainable figure. I suggest being more realistic. She also doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. The way this morphed into what it is now is passive aggressive/dumb jokes that aren’t funny. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Jim_F said:

She has also started taking the piss a lot! I can joke with the best of them but what she says feels personal and cutting now as opposed to just jokey.

How is she making fun of you? Does she just have a bizarre sense of humor or is she being nasty toward you?

[Jim_F]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

She’s moving to Ireland which seems farther away. What is the whole point of this? Like or love has little to do with whether you keep putting yourself on the line for this imaginary far away unattainable figure. I suggest being more realistic. She also doesn’t sound like a nice person at all. The way this morphed into what it is now is passive aggressive/dumb jokes that aren’t funny. 

The cynic in me 100% agrees with this. The passionate/romantic guy in me tells me to hold on because it could be something good if i keep my nerve. 

I think the only way it will work is if I eventually move to Ireland to be with her but you are correct - that is a pretty ridiculous idea and something we'd have to sort out before she leaves in 5 weeks and i havent known her long enough to broach the subject - especially since we arent a couple

[Jim_F]

50 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How is she making fun of you? Does she just have a bizarre sense of humor or is she being nasty toward you?

she is attacking my personality then laughing it off. Again might just be me being too serious but she never used to so it feels like shes covering up the fact she wants to say something and is using 'humour' to disguise it

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Jim_F said:

All was going well for a few weeks but now, with her moving away date looming I've realised I've dived straight in head first with someone I don't know that well and am basically going to be putting my life on hold  while she gets on with hers <snip>

 its all just so uncertain and feels like a massive commitment to someone who could just drop me at any time

I'd like to address these comments and hope that I can ease your anxiety. 

Agreeing to date long distance is a challenging endeavour but it's not a commitment that you can't escape.  Like her, if this gets too much, you can drop her at any time.    And you mention that your life is being put on hold but she's getting on with hers.  How will this arrangement put your life on hold?

One last thing: do you actually want to move to Ireland?  And can you accept her rude "jokes"?  If not, it's OK to tell her that you've changed your mind about the whole thing.

 

Edited June 16, 2022 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds like you're realizing that you two are actually not that compatible. 

You signed up for something when you had no idea what you were actually signing up for. And now you're seeing it's not exactly what you hoped. You two are already coming up against each other and she hasn't even left yet. 

How long have you been dating, and how far away is Ireland from where you live now? Is this a permanent move? 

[Jim_F]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

How long have you been dating, and how far away is Ireland from where you live now? Is this a permanent move? 

Since end of April so less than 2 months. I'm in Midlands UK so its only a short flight and yes its permanent as far as i know as its for a job she really wants.

[glows]

10 hours ago, Jim_F said:

The cynic in me 100% agrees with this. The passionate/romantic guy in me tells me to hold on because it could be something good if i keep my nerve. 

I think the only way it will work is if I eventually move to Ireland to be with her but you are correct - that is a pretty ridiculous idea and something we'd have to sort out before she leaves in 5 weeks and i havent known her long enough to broach the subject - especially since we arent a couple

I don’t think discussing a move on your part is appropriate given the way she treats you. Keep your nerve how? Stand up for her lousy jokes and comments that you’re not a couple? She’s correct that you’re not in a relationship. What isn’t acceptable is the way she treats you or the things she says. I have a strong feeling she knows she can say anything she wants to you and you’ll believe it’s fun and jokes no matter how crude or rude it is. 

What’s stopping you from dating a nicer lady who is local? Why pursue a woman who is moving further away? I think you’re too easy (not romantic) and it’s alarming if you bring up moving to be with her. It makes one highly suspicious why you have no options to date locally and are looking to move to be with someone who isn’t making any effort to be with you or reciprocate those efforts. 

[Jim_F]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t think discussing a move on your part is appropriate given the way she treats you. Keep your nerve how? Stand up for her lousy jokes and comments that you’re not a couple? She’s correct that you’re not in a relationship. What isn’t acceptable is the way she treats you or the things she says. I have a strong feeling she knows she can say anything she wants to you and you’ll believe it’s fun and jokes no matter how crude or rude it is. 

What’s stopping you from dating a nicer lady who is local? Why pursue a woman who is moving further away? I think you’re too easy (not romantic) and it’s alarming if you bring up moving to be with her. It makes one highly suspicious why you have no options to date locally and are looking to move to be with someone who isn’t making any effort to be with you or reciprocate those efforts. 

Wow thats honest but probably what I needed to hear lol. I agree I'm not in a relationship, i thought we were but can see now i'm not and thats healthier - allows me to see the wood for the trees! I'm supposed to be seeing her today. will see what happens!

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Jim_F said:

Wow thats honest but probably what I needed to hear lol. I agree I'm not in a relationship, i thought we were but can see now i'm not and thats healthier - allows me to see the wood for the trees! I'm supposed to be seeing her today. will see what happens!

Ok good luck. Please do not settle for so little and breadcrumbs from afar. No, it’s not a relationship. That’s what she said to you so there’s no commitment or exclusivity whatsoever and she’s free to date and meet others (as are you). 

[giotto]

Midlands to Ireland is round the corner... the flight is about 1 hour. Totally feasible. In fact, it might be quicker than driving for 150 km. 🙂  I would just relax. Take a step back and see what happens. Have you talked about exclusivity at this point? Are you boyfriend/girlfriend? 

[BaileyB]

19 hours ago, Jim_F said:

I do talk to her about it all but no matter what she says my negativity just overrides everything.

Indeed, she is moving to Ireland and that is exciting for her. Your worries and need for reassurance is not what she wants to think about right now.

It may be different had you been dating for two years but you’ve known this woman all of two months. My personal advice - let her go to Ireland and find someone else who is local to date. Long distance relationships are notoriously hard for good reason… dating should be fun! I wouldn’t be investing to seriously here.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Jim_F said:

Since end of April so less than 2 months. I'm in Midlands UK so its only a short flight and yes its permanent as far as i know as its for a job she really wants.

This relationship is way too short to commit to long-distance, in my opnion. 

You two are already having problems. It's your cue to end this. 

[Jim_F]

On 6/17/2022 at 11:32 AM, giotto said:

Midlands to Ireland is round the corner... the flight is about 1 hour. Totally feasible. In fact, it might be quicker than driving for 150 km. 🙂  I would just relax. Take a step back and see what happens. Have you talked about exclusivity at this point? Are you boyfriend/girlfriend? 

We have both said we are exclusively dating each other yes but she has also made it clear we are NOT boyfriend/girlfriend which is probably sensible. She has hinted that she is in love with me which I'm not sure how I feel about that. 

[Jim_F]

On 6/17/2022 at 12:57 PM, BaileyB said:

Indeed, she is moving to Ireland and that is exciting for her. Your worries and need for reassurance is not what she wants to think about right now.

 

I know, i know! I can't help it though! she is moving on and I'll be left waiting to see if she needs me in her life and I'm very fearful of that. I'm not good at 'waiting to see what happens' - I'm either 100% in on something or 100% out so this is making me very anxious. She moves in 5 weeks so I have that long to for us both to acknowledge our feelings for each other and communicate them.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Jim_F said:

she has also made it clear we are NOT boyfriend/girlfriend

Ok, wait. 

You two are not even a couple? No, there is no way I would sign up for a long-distance relationship here.  Just end it now and find a local woman to date. All of this angst is not worth it, for a woman you have dated two months and is not even your girlfriend. You two just don't have the foundation to really make this work, especially considering she is already pulling away. 

Time to read the writing on the wall here, Jim. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[Jim_F]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ok, wait. 

You two are not even a couple? No, there is no way I would sign up for a long-distance relationship here.  Just end it now and find a local woman to date. All of this angst is not worth it, for a woman you have dated two months and is not even your girlfriend. You two just don't have the foundation to really make this work, especially considering she is already pulling away. 

Time to read the writing on the wall here, Jim. 

I know! Thank you for your honest advice - i'm going to have to process this and act accordingly.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Jim_F said:

she is moving on and I'll be left waiting to see if she needs me in her life

Jim, there are many relationships that don’t work out because the timing isn’t right - wrong time, wrong place. This is one of those relationships. It’s sad but it’s just life. 

You are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole here. She has pretty much told you what her intentions are - she does not want to be tied down on a long distance relationship when she moves away.

You really need to ask yourself why you are tied up in knots waiting for a woman to chose you. Surely there are other options - women that would be excited to date you that would be more successful and satisfying relationships because they are not long distance. 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by BaileyB