Male friend is acting like us drifting apart is my fault and claims I led him on

[abiwantstobeyours]

I've had this male best friend for almost 2 years, I'll call him Larry just for the sake of this story. This is gonna be kinda long so bear with me please.

Larry and I have always been really close, telling each other everything and talking 24/7. We used to always hang out at each other's places and do absolutely everything together, and throughout our entire friendship, he had a crush on me. Very early on in our friendship, he told me he had feelings for me, to which I validated his feelings but declined any sort of relationship, BUT I told him I wasn't sure if I liked him or not (news flash to past me, I didn't, but I was figuring out my feelings). Larry was 100% okay with this and told me to take my time to figure out what I felt, and even added that we could just be friends like normal if I didn't like him back.

Now fast forward a year and a half, to about 2 months ago, I only just recently got a boyfriend (we've been properly together only a month and a half) and I'll call him Kevin. Kevin and I hadn't been talking for very long before we started dating (2-3 months, although we did briefly know each other before our talking stage). Larry knew about him, but was under the impression that we were just friends until about a week before we started dating. The reason I didn't tell Larry that we were more than friends is because I knew he would blow up and try to convince me my feelings weren't real, which turned out to be exactly what happened. He asked me one day if I liked Kevin, and I admitted that yes, we liked each other and had been having conversations about making things official, to which I began talking about how I really like Kevin.

Larry didn't take this well. He decided right then was the time to tell me that he's deeply in love with me and tried to convince me that I haven't known Kevin for long enough to be in a relationship with him. He told me that I led him on and never gave him a proper answer, making him think I liked him back for 2 years only to get into a relationship with a guy I "barely know". He tried to say that he's been here through everything I've been through, and said that he's always treated me like "how I deserve to be treated" like always complimenting me romantically (something that he always did despite me telling him to stop, and they were creepy comments too like how my body is so perfect it deserves to be put in a model's magazine, and how my boobs and butt is what every man would want), giving me gifts (which I also never asked for) etc. I let him down gently that I didn't like him that way, and he seemingly accepted it, begrudgingly so until...

A week later once Kevin and I actually got together, I told Larry that I can't continue to hang out with him alone outside of school because it's disrespectful to my boyfriend (and also because I didn't feel comfortable with everything he said a week prior) and to this he said he doesn't think we should talk or hang out at school at all, mentioning Kevin saying he wants to respect our relationship . I asked him if he was sure and he said he was 100% sure and just wants to make sure I'm happy.

Shortly after this, Larry seemed very off at school. I had a short conversation with him after school just checking in and he told me he's been depressed ever since, and still doesn't think it's fair that I chose someone else over him, when he had been waiting for me for 2 years. I told him that I didn't lead him on, I was honest with him when I told him I wasn't sure if I liked him, and with Kevin I just knew, I never had to doubt myself, which is why it happened so "quickly". Larry took this quite harshly and blocked me. We don't talk at all anymore.

Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here. All of his friends hate me, and things are being spread around the school. The only people who like me are my friends.

[ShyViolet]

Larry was NOT your friend.  He was some guy who was interested in you romantically, didn't listen to your boundaries and didn't want to take no for an answer.  He was only staying "friends" with you because he was hoping to manipulate you into ending up dating him.  He was creepy and manipulative.  You cannot remain "friends" with that guy.  You're better off cutting him out of your life completely.  He did you a favor by blocking you.  If he decides to come out of the woodwork and try to contact you again, you should be the one to block him.

[basil67]

I'm sorry this happened.  But given that Larry's affections were very obvious, it was always going to crash and burn when you got a boyfriend. 

I do find it odd that you say you didn't lead Larry yet his friends hate you.  Assuming his friends are sensible, they are likely seeing quite a different picture to you.   I wonder what happened to give Larry the idea that you were a bit interested.  I don't suppose the two of you were ever cuddle buddies?  Also, if his compliments were genuinely creepy, why didn't you stop hanging out with him?   To be clear, I'm not blaming you for any of this, but a bit of introspection as to what you could have done differently would be good for future reference if you're in this situation again.

 

[glows]

Leave Larry alone. He’s acting very selfishly and immaturely. Don’t you think a man who cares deeply for you would want to see you happy? He’s not thinking about you. He’s just thinking about himself. 

And those shallow, sexualized comments about your body are inappropriate. In future be more careful about your “friends”. Get rid of trashy stuff like this, quickly.

[abiwantstobeyours]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:I wonder what happened to give Larry the idea that you were a bit interested.  I don't suppose the two of you were ever cuddle buddies?  Also, if his compliments were genuinely creepy, why didn't you stop hanging out with him? 

Nah we were never cuddle buddies or anything like that haha. I did give him one or two compliments throughout our friendship that he might have taken as romantic? Stuff like “you have a nice smile” and small things like that.

To the second bit I suppose it was sort of just like I’d feel guilty if I left him? He always used to say I’m the only good thing in his life, and he never really had any proper friends apart from me (until he stopped talking to me, and that was the only reason he made an effort with them, he’s been “acquaintances” for a while but was always too fixated on me to spend proper time with them). He was also bullied heavily as a kid and has pretty bad social skills because of it and can’t read the room (explains a lot of his actions, but doesn’t justify them). I think at some point it started to feel less like taking someone damaged under my wing and more like being guilted into a toxic friendship. It was my two amazing best friends now who encouraged me to be honest with him and get rid of him.

Also, he’s pretty good at twisting stories, so I’d say his friends probably hate me because they heard a very different version of the story.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

   Larry took this quite harshly and blocked me. We don't talk at all anymore.

 The only people who like me are my friends.

You knew all along he had a crush, so it was unfair to hang out. It's good he blocked you because you weren't really friends. His friends don't have to like you. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Next time a boy wants to date you, don't hang out as friends. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

Please tell me if I'm in the wrong here. All of his friends hate me, and things are being spread around the school. The only people who like me are my friends.

The only thing you did wrong was to still hang out with Larry after he told you how he felt about you.  If you knew your feelings didn't match his you should have ended the friendship because he wanted more.  Then after he said he would leave you alone at school and respect you and Kevin's relationship you shouldn't have checked in with him but left him alone to grieve and get over it.  Of course he would be depressed and that's a normal reaction when someone you want doesn't want you back.  Now you need to leave Larry alone, stop talking to him and go on with your relationship with Kevin.  In time Larry will be okay.

[glows]

6 hours ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

To the second bit I suppose it was sort of just like I’d feel guilty if I left him? He always used to say I’m the only good thing in his life, and he never really had any proper friends apart from me (until he stopped talking to me, and that was the only reason he made an effort with them, he’s been “acquaintances” for a while but was always too fixated on me to spend proper time with them). He was also bullied heavily as a kid and has pretty bad social skills because of it and can’t read the room (explains a lot of his actions, but doesn’t justify them). I think at some point it started to feel less like taking someone damaged under my wing and more like being guilted into a toxic friendship. It was my two amazing best friends now who encouraged me to be honest with him and get rid of him.

Also, he’s pretty good at twisting stories, so I’d say his friends probably hate me because they heard a very different version of the story.

That shows you he’s not a man who cares one iota about you, OP. He’s rude and manipulative. This has nothing to do with him having a sad childhood. Plenty of people have poor upbringing and are able to tell the difference between right and wrong, treating someone well and manipulation. He’s butt hurt over you dating someone else and needs to grow up.

Open your eyes and see someone’s actions and words for what they are. If he has issues they’re not your issues. Have healthier boundaries around people who constantly disrespect you or are toxic in some way. 

Good for you that you’ve stopped hanging around him. Steer clear as from his behaviours this is not a person who cares about you. 

[abiwantstobeyours]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You knew all along he had a crush, so it was unfair to hang out.

Maybe, but to be fair at the time I hadn’t realised yet that I didn’t have feelings for him. He was also fully aware of the possibility that I didn’t feel the same and was willing to continue to be friends either way it turned out (or so I thought), so it was just as much his decision as it was mine

Edited June 7, 2022 by abiwantstobeyours

[abiwantstobeyours]

13 hours ago, stillafool said:

Then after he said he would leave you alone at school and respect you and Kevin's relationship you shouldn't have checked in with him but left him alone to grieve and get over it.

I understand this, but I checked in with him because his mental health is extremely fragile and I didn’t want to be the reason for something bad happening. I decided to say this over text and not at school, since he didn’t want anything to do with me at school

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, before I lend my thoughts, can I ask how old you are?

You mention school, so it's not clear to me if you mean highschool or post-secondary school. 

[abiwantstobeyours]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, before I lend my thoughts, can I ask how old you are?

You mention school, so it's not clear to me if you mean highschool or post-secondary school. 

I'm 17 and in high school 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, abiwantstobeyours said:

I'm 17 and in high school 

Ok. Leave him alone now. He's not really your friend and his mental health is not your concern. In the future make sure you are not leading boys on. That way there's no misunderstanding and hard feelings.

[Alpacalia]

On 6/5/2022 at 6:24 PM, abiwantstobeyours said:

Larry and I have always been really close, telling each other everything and talking 24/7. We used to always hang out at each other's places and do absolutely everything together, and throughout our entire friendship, he had a crush on me. Very early on in our friendship, he told me he had feelings for me, to which I validated his feelings but declined any sort of relationship, BUT I told him I wasn't sure if I liked him or not (news flash to past me, I didn't, but I was figuring out my feelings). Larry was 100% okay with this and told me to take my time to figure out what I felt, and even added that we could just be friends like normal if I didn't like him back.

+1 on glows's observation, but you also do not want to continue to spend time with someone if they tell you they are interested in you from the outset while you "sort out your feelings."

By doing that, you were creating false hopes for him whether intentionally or unintentionally, and this is unfair to him.

Instead, you would have done better if you had taken some time apart from him to let him get over his feelings and to allow yourself to sort out your own affairs without dragging him along.

If you could picture yourself having a super-mega-crush on some guy you always hung out with, and being able to admit your feelings to him would be like a dream come true. In response, he says, "thanks for considering me a hottie, but I would prefer not to be anything more than friends with you."

Then he keeps on coming around, and keeps asking you to walk or go hang out with him.

Mixed signals, huh?

 

Edited June 7, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

2 hours ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

I'm 17 and in high school 

You did the right thing. Now just focus on your school work so you can eject yourself quickly out of this crowd. Do your own thing and make new friends when you leave. Learn to avoid individuals like this.

[JRabbit]

In highschool I always had guy friends....really close guy friends I loved so much. Over the years every single one of them at one point or another confessed their love to me and basically did this same thing.  Every single one didn't want to stay friends when I told them I wasn't interested in that way (for the record I never once led these guys on, ever dated other guys while friends with them).

It taught me that it is very very VERY rare a man wants to just be your friend. One friend who I was so close with stopped talking to me and it was honestly soul crushing at the time. He was my best friend.  But I learned they just don't see us the same way we see them in those instances. It's hurtful, but the truth. They have an agenda.

[Johnjohnson2017]

It's almost impossible for a guy (single) to have genuine friendships with women he is attracted to. He will get jealous if the woman gets a bf or flirts with a guy (something that a friend shoulden't feel)

If the guy has a girlfriend/wife, then genuine friendship is possible. 

 

 

 

[abiwantstobeyours]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

If you could picture yourself having a super-mega-crush on some guy you always hung out with, and being able to admit your feelings to him would be like a dream come true. In response, he says, "thanks for considering me a hottie, but I would prefer not to be anything more than friends with you."

Then he keeps on coming around, and keeps asking you to walk or go hang out with him.

Funnily enough, this has pretty much already happened to me and I was cool with it and my feelings disappeared. I was wrong for assuming it would be the same for him, but that’s how I am with crushes

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

Funnily enough, this has pretty much already happened to me and I was cool with it and my feelings disappeared. I was wrong for assuming it would be the same for him, but that’s how I am with crushes

It's not that simple, I guess.

A great movie has been made about this:

 

[SingFish]

21 hours ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

his mental health is extremely fragile and I didn’t want to be the reason for something bad happening.

what did you fear he might do?

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

It's almost impossible for a guy (single) to have genuine friendships with women he is attracted to. He will get jealous if the woman gets a bf or flirts with a guy (something that a friend shoulden't feel)

If the guy has a girlfriend/wife, then genuine friendship is possible. 

 

 

 

The same applies to women.  That is why we advise not trying to be friends with a man who women have a romantic interest in because sooner or later he will get with a woman he likes and the "friend" will end up hurt.

[abiwantstobeyours]

1 hour ago, SingFish said:

what did you fear he might do?

I don't know, either hurt himself or become heavily depressed. He already struggles with anxiety and mild depression, but he's also completely headstrong about not wanting professional help for these issues.

[SingFish]

12 minutes ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

he's also completely headstrong about not wanting professional help for these issues.

one way or another everyone has to manage their own health. It's not on other people to walk on eggshells for them. 

Hope you are doing okay, enjoy your summer.

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, abiwantstobeyours said:

I don't know, either hurt himself or become heavily depressed. He already struggles with anxiety and mild depression, but he's also completely headstrong about not wanting professional help for these issues.

This is not your problem.   While we all seem to agree that it was foolish to continue a friendship with a guy who's got a thing for you, it does sound as though you didn't actively lead him on.  

Let me reassure you, if he does something foolish, you did not make him do it.  Whether it be his choice of behaviour or refusing professional help, this is all his own responsibility.  Caring too much about what he thinks of you is likely what got you into this situation in the first place.  A clean break is what you need to do

[mark clemson]

If his mental health is genuinely an issue, it's one that is WAY above your paygrade at 17. Leave it to professional counselors and the like. They may, possibly, fail to help him, particularly if he never reaches out to them. But if you are 100% honest with yourself, you'll realize that in truth you're very unlikely to do anything useful for him, particularly given his hurt feelings, etc, and have a good chance of actually making things worse.

Guys like this (who you can see a lot of on Reddit under "NiceGuys") have deep rooted issues and tendencies towards personality disorders. There is no quick fix and indeed there is some risk in being a girl he has unrequited romantic attachments for. Steer clear and hope he leaves you alone. That's the best outcome here, despite the fact that you may have once been friends. One thing you'll learn in life is that generally friends do NOT last forever, and, as essentially all the experienced adults on this site are telling you, this particular "friendship" (actually it was him being an orbiter) is much better ending sooner rather than later.

Edited June 8, 2022 by mark clemson