20 years have past.

[Syd8]

A few days ago marked the 20th anniversary of meeting my ex in person for the first time. She was 42 and I was 27. We started the affair a few months earlier online. We finally met and it was everything I wanted. I was a virgin and hadn't even kissed a woman my whole life. We spent 5 days together and she "made a man out of me". I miss her to this day but things ended badly. I still try to reconnect with her on Facebook every few years but she declines my friend request. I still want a friendship with her as I haven't had any friends for years. I know we'll never meet again and she's still with her husband, but it would be nice to talk to her. She still has her cell phone and every year on her birthday I call and leave a voicemail to wish her happy birthday. It just sucks that the plans we made never became a reality. Life sucks. 

[Will am I]

20 years is a long time to spend reminiscing about an affair that lasted a few months online and 5 days for real (and probably shouldn’t have happened in the first place, I understand she was married already back then).

What you are doing is not ok on more than one level.

First, your AP has chosen to stay in her marriage. You should respect that and not actively pursue contact. Don’t mess with peoples’ marriages in general, and in this particular situation you need to realize that she owes her husband far more than she owes you.

Second, her actions are making it very clear that she does not appreciate the contact attempts. Facebook connection requests, all rejected. Phone calls, all sent to voicemail and never returned. How clear must she make it? What you are doing edges on stalking. Don’t be like that. You can do better.

What I want to add as a final motivation is not about your ex AP. Your actions are not respectful to yourself either. Look at the time you took away from building your own life and spent on chasing an old memory. Treating yourself with respect means not wasting your precious time and love on people who will not return any of it.

It’s long overdue, but really man, build your own life. With or without a life partner by your side, but away from this memory that you have been stuck in.

[Syd8]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

20 years is a long time to spend reminiscing about an affair that lasted a few months online and 5 days for real (and probably shouldn’t have happened in the first place, I understand she was married already back then).

What you are doing is not ok on more than one level.

First, your AP has chosen to stay in her marriage. You should respect that and not actively pursue contact. Don’t mess with peoples’ marriages in general, and in this particular situation you need to realize that she owes her husband far more than she owes you.

Second, her actions are making it very clear that she does not appreciate the contact attempts. Facebook connection requests, all rejected. Phone calls, all sent to voicemail and never returned. How clear must she make it? What you are doing edges on stalking. Don’t be like that. You can do better.

What I want to add as a final motivation is not about your ex AP. Your actions are not respectful to yourself either. Look at the time you took away from building your own life and spent on chasing an old memory. Treating yourself with respect means not wasting your precious time and love on people who will not return any of it.

It’s long overdue, but really man, build your own life. With or without a life partner by your side, but away from this memory that you have been stuck in.

First off, I realize I messed up and put past instead of passed. My mistake. Second, the affair lasted a few years and we spent more than 5 days together. 

[Syd8]

3 hours ago, Will am I said:

20 years is a long time to spend reminiscing about an affair that lasted a few months online and 5 days for real (and probably shouldn’t have happened in the first place, I understand she was married already back then).

What you are doing is not ok on more than one level.

First, your AP has chosen to stay in her marriage. You should respect that and not actively pursue contact. Don’t mess with peoples’ marriages in general, and in this particular situation you need to realize that she owes her husband far more than she owes you.

Second, her actions are making it very clear that she does not appreciate the contact attempts. Facebook connection requests, all rejected. Phone calls, all sent to voicemail and never returned. How clear must she make it? What you are doing edges on stalking. Don’t be like that. You can do better.

What I want to add as a final motivation is not about your ex AP. Your actions are not respectful to yourself either. Look at the time you took away from building your own life and spent on chasing an old memory. Treating yourself with respect means not wasting your precious time and love on people who will not return any of it.

It’s long overdue, but really man, build your own life. With or without a life partner by your side, but away from this memory that you have been stuck in.

Also, she pursued me and initiated the affair. 

[Will am I]

Even with these changes, I believe you spent a massive amount of time hoping for your AP to come back. Unfortunately for you, she had other plans. Affair ended, she stayed with her husband, later contact attempts you initiated were completely iced out. 

If a life partner or other form of romantic relationship is what you desire in life, this is getting you nowhere.

[Ashes84]

There are two things you've said that really stand out in the OP  "I haven't had any friends for years" and "Life sucks". 

I translate that to I'm isolated and depressed. Now I'm guessing that you might always have been isolated and depressed; that the MW arrived in your life and during a passionate relationship lifted you out of that state; that during the affair you felt connected and happy?

I had that experience as a teenager - I was in a mess due to some horrible family issues and my first love, for a year, transformed my life and my mental state. I never forgot her and 20 odd years later had a 2 year affair with her. That was 10 years ago and frankly I still miss her.

But what's it all about really? It's not her, its the transformation of your state. Yes she's probably very special but, in terms of that ability to lift you out of misery, not unique. I'm not saying "any other woman would do" or even that you should expect a relationship to achieve that effect but I'm guessing that's what might have happened and that you've attached to her all of these positive feelings. The trick maybe is to realise that you are capable of that happiness, that those feelings are within you. Your relationship unlocked that happiness but essentially that happiness is yours to find - she helped you find it but didn't give it to you.

If this rings true I'd encourage you to ask yourself

• Was I depressed and isolated before I met her?
• Was there a reason I felt like that?
• Were there traumatic events before I met her?
• Was there family dysfunction before I met her?  

I might be projecting here but I suspect you have pre-existing abandonment issues that were temporarily solved by the affair and re-opened by it's ending. Sadly that can result in a traumatic idealisation of a single person. I might be miles off but it may be worth thinking about? 

I only put this out there because your post spoke to me and I felt it chimed with my experience. You'd need a therapist to dig into this I'm obviously just seeing a coincidence.

And to continue with the theme. Every time you reach out you a) build a fantasy of reconnection b) get ignored and c) experience a sense of re-abandonment. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 6/4/2022 at 6:16 PM, Syd8 said:

I haven't had any friends for years

And why is this?

It seems you are lonely and keep trying to reach back into a "happier" time in your life, but it was two decades ago. It appears she has long since moved on and put it behind her, but you struggle to do so because you're evidently quite socially isolated. 

So, what has kept you from making or maintaining friendships? 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/4/2022 at 12:16 PM, Syd8 said:

she's still with her husband

Ok, don't bother with her then.

Get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Have some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Get involved in groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports, fitness, better nutrition and health. Commit to quitting bad habits. Take some classes and courses. Anything. Yoga, cooking, dance, a language. Make new friends. 

This isn't about a brief encounter 20 years ago, this is about your current status which you have the power to change with some help from professionals.

 

[SingFish]

On 6/4/2022 at 11:16 AM, Syd8 said:

It just sucks that the plans we made never became a reality. Life sucks. 

Sometimes, it does yes. We all have those 'what might have been' moments. But the past is done. Unchangeable. Maybe you posted here because you are ready to find a new friend or lover or activity? It may feel safer to obsess about the past than to venture out again in the present, but that's not fully living life which is why you are lonely. You are ready for new adventures?

Talk to us in the meantime!

🌄

 

Edited June 7, 2022 by SingFish
spelling

[S2B]

You have the ability to have a good life now IF you stop focusing on what is in the past.

the past is there to teach you. In this case, she used you because you allowed it.

as you can see she continued on with her day to day life with her husband.

it’s time for you to get counseling to help you change so you can have a healthy and full future.

[Syd8]

Thank you to all who have responded to my post. 

[anika99]

I agree that you should probably get some therapy to find out why you are clinging to something from the past instead of living in the present. This pining and pursuing a woman from many years ago who wants nothing to do with you isn't romantic, rather it's indicative of some deeper issues in your life. 

Quick personal story. Many years ago when I was in my 20's I started dating a man who I quickly became quite infatuated with as I had ended a long term relationship a couple of years prior so this new guy was the first guy I had dated in quite awhile. He was quite critical and judgmental of me but my insecure self just wanted his approval. Six months into the relationship he breaks up with me giving me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. I was hurt but accepted his decision. Five days later he calls me and says he thinks acted to hasty and had reconsidered the break up. Wants to start seeing me again. My low self worth, no self esteem self eagerly accepts. Six months later he breaks up with me again and this time he makes it clear that it's because I'm not meeting his standards. I was bending over backwards trying to be the perfect girlfriend but I wasn't as established and successful as he thought I should be. By this time I'm even more invested in the relationship so I take this break up harder than the first one. I cried, asked him to stay with me, made promises that I would better, etc. He comes back again 6 weeks later but by this time I don't trust him and I realize that not living under his judgmental eyes has been kind of relief so I decline his offer of getting back together. 

This dude simply would not go away. I mean he wasn't stalking me or harassing me or anything but he'd keep approaching me from time to time to see if I wanted to start up a relationship with him. At first it was like every 6 months to 2 yrs that I would hear from him. He would send me a Christmas card or leave me a voicemail which I generally ignored. Then I wouldn't hear from him for a few years at a time. I was never interested and wasn't holding on to any fond memories of our relationship. I wasn't flattered by his seemingly undying love, I just thought it was kind of weird. Finally one year about 16 yrs after we broke up he contacted me again and since I was single and feeling down I agreed to see him. We started dating again and it quickly became apparent that we were not on the same page at all. For one thing he was clearly wanting me to be the same woman he had dated years ago but I was no longer that person. While I was viewing our dating situation as a brand new casual relationship he was seeing it as a continuation of the relationship we had started many years ago. For him this was somehow supposed to be some great romantic love story where we finally got back together and walked off into the sunset together. However I was realizing that there was something really off in how he had romanticized and held onto our past relationship for so many years. He had some personal insecurities and social phobias that made it difficult for him to meet women. When we were young and I was infatuated with him I gave him unconditional love and approval. I went above and beyond trying to please him because I wanted his love and approval. That's what he wanted back all these years. It wasn't that he loved me and wanted me, it's that he wanted what I gave him and the way I made him feel. He was never able to find that kind of devotion with anyone else so that's why he kept pursuing me. I had made him feel loved and accepted, met all his sexual needs, and he wanted to recreate that experience and in order to make that happen he needed me to cooperate and play along. However I had changed and grown far too much and there was no way I could give him what he wanted. 

So we dated for awhile but he would quickly become frustrated by my cautious and casual approach. He wanted instant passion, intense feelings and hot sex right from the moment we saw each other again while I was more like "hey lets just get to know each other and see if anything can develop". This hurt his feeling but I couldn't fake passion that I didn't feel and the pressure he was putting on me was such a turn off that  it soon became apparent that there was no way it was going to work out. When we ended this time I really thought I would never hear from him again. I figured that our brief reconnection had shown him that his memories were really a fantasy and he would finally let go for good which he seemed to do but then 6yrs later he messaged me again on facebook. I didn't respond. 

Now I realize that my story is probably very different from your story. However  take away almost the entire story and the details and just focus on this one segment: 

That's what he wanted back all these years. It wasn't that he loved me and wanted me, it's that he wanted what I gave him and the way I made him feel.

I suspect that this applies to you as well OP. You want to recreate that experience and to have the same feelings but that can't ever happen. You haven't been able to duplicate that experience with anyone else so you want her to do it. That isn't love and it isn't romantic and even if you saw her again it would never be the same so accept it and let it go. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Think about it from her perspective, if she' still with her husband, they have probably mended the pain of the affair, put it behind them, then you come along every so often and disturb the balance, if you had/have any strong feelings for her, let her be, wish her a good and fruitful life and nothing but the best in your thoughts.  THEN, you will be able to move on, you deserve exactly what you will be wishing her, and will eventually believe it too for yourself.