Am I being too hard on myself for forgetting this wedding?

[ironpony]

I have been really exhausted lately, because I have been working a lot of in my job, and there has been mandatory overtime lately, and I am also trying to make a feature film project in my spare time and having to do both, has caused me to not have as much time to sleep but also have trouble sleeping as well because of the anxiety from it for the last few weeks.

On top of this I had to celebrate four birthdays in less than two weeks as well as help my parents out with some things I wanted to help them out with. It got to the point where I was so mentally exhausted that my brain just broke down and crashed and I got really emotional over it, and just fell asleep just completely brain dead.

Next day I found out I slept through my best friend's wedding, and I told I would be there of course, and this is my best friend going back to when we were teens, so I felt horrible, missing it, just absolutely horrible.  I don't know how I could have and how my brain managed to just pass out and forget that.  

I managed to get up and make the reception later, but missed the ceremony and I feel horrible, but my gf says I am being way too hard on myself and I haven't slept well in a long time, and and I have had all the birthday events, the parent events, the making of the movie, and all the mandatory overtime at work that I didn't know that was going to happen.

Does she have a point, or did I really screw up and should feel bad do you think, or what can I do now?  Thank you very much for any advice on this!  I really appreciate it!

[basil67]

It was a monumental stuff up on your part.  Given the excitement leading up to the wedding of your best friend, there is absolutely no justification for falling asleep and missing it.

Whether or not you feel bad is not the question you should be asking.   What you should be doing is working out what you could have done differently so that you learn from the experience and don't repeat it.

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

What is the state of your friendship with your best friend? Is he angry with you?

Were you supposed to be in the actual wedding ceremony?

This would be pretty significant to miss if you did.

If it's just that you missed the ceremony and in view of the time of the friendship you have had with your best friend, and considering the fact that something like this has only happened once, I would certainly not hold this against you. I would just give them a break since I know for a fact that my friends won't intentionally do something like that. Honestly, if they were so overworked and overburdened, then I would let it go. Nevertheless, if this is something that you do on a regular basis, then I would certainly think twice about whether there is a point in continuing our friendship.

In this situation, I suggest sending a nice gift, apologizing for being late, and asking when you can take them out for dinner on you to celebrate in order to make sure there is no hard feelings.

Give your friend a few days to recuperate once he returns from their honeymoon and then go over to their home. Make it all about him and his wedding. Look at pictures of the honeymoon, watch a video of the wedding (if they have one) and enjoy it with him and her to the fullest.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ironpony said:

.I managed to get up and make the reception later, but missed the ceremony 

If your friend doesn't care and didn't notice, it doesn't matter what your GF thinks. Why wasn't she invited as your date? Interesting you managed to make it to the reception.

[Els]

I mean, yes, and no. s*** happens, yes, but it's also totally normal to feel bad for missing your best friend's wedding, and I'd be extremely concerned if you weren't feeling bad! It's one thing to forget a friend's birthday, and another thing entirely to forget their WEDDING which you RSVP'ed to. The former comes around every year, the latter only happens once (hopefully).

You need to apologize to your friend.

Edited May 28, 2022 by Elswyth

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, ironpony said:

I managed to get up and make the reception later, but missed the ceremony 

Did you get them a gift? Were you invited with a guest? 

It sounds like you are being too easy on yourself. Anyone can set an alarm. Apologize to the bride and groom. 

[ironpony]

I apologized to them a few times.  I set an alarm but I slept right through it apparently.

I didn't have a guest and I got them a a gift.  I agreed to do the photography for them, and feel bad about missing that.  But he said it was fine and other people took photos, but I guess since I am into that professionally, I feel I am being a stickler to myself about it, my gf he says.

I am not sure how he feels about it or his wife, because they seemed so happy together and preoccupied with the wedding, and not sure if the reaction will be different later on or not.

[ironpony]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If your friend doesn't care and didn't notice, it doesn't matter what your GF thinks. Why wasn't she invited as your date? Interesting you managed to make it to the reception.

Oh I made it to the reception because I woke up in enough time to get there.  It was a small wedding because of covid so the number of guests were limited, but my gf had to work anyway.  

[glows]

Do you keep a calendar? Some people have more than one or separate work from personal. I'm guessing since you were so fatigued, any alerts or reminders might have gone unnoticed if you were sleeping deeply and some people sleep with ear plugs. 

Take a look at your calendar every week if not every day so you know what's coming up and can plan for it ahead of time. 

In future you'll know when you're stretching it too thin. Perhaps decline a few invitations if you're feeling overwhelmed or don't stay the whole period. Excuse yourself after an hour or so after you've wished the person happy birthday for instance and passed anything you wanted to pass over. 

Yes, do use this as learning experience. 

[ironpony]

I have a calendar but Ive been so fatigued I keep forgetting to look at it for the past few days because I've been so preoccupied.

I feel like I keep screwing up in life but my gf says  too hard on myself and have low self esteem if she has a point.

[ ] 

Edited May 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
starting circular debate

[BaileyB]

I would be pretty darn angry if my best friend missed my wedding.

Quote

I agreed to do the photography for them, and feel bad about missing that.  But he said it was fine and other people took photos

Seriously? You agreed to be their photographer and then missed the wedding. Other people took photos? 

That would be a tremendous disappointment - it’s their wedding day, and they are relying on the photos their guests took because their photographer missed the wedding. I feel badly for them. You should be very grateful that they were so understanding. Most people would not have been so understanding.

Edited May 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Deleted, duplicate post.

Edited May 28, 2022 by BaileyB

[ShyViolet]

Beating yourself up about it now accomplishes nothing.  You genuinely didn't mean to miss it.... it's not like you missed it because you didn't care.  Let this be a wake-up call that you need to stop letting yourself be too exhausted and overwhelmed by a grueling schedule and taking on too many things.  Just look at this as a learning experience and make the necessary changes in your life so you aren't feeling like this going forward.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

I feel like I keep screwing up in life 

And while you focus on the pointless discussion of whether or not you should feel bad, you will continue to screw up.   In short, you made some bad choices which led to this very big mistake,  so what can you learn from it?   

Obviously the cause of the mistake was that your schedule was too full.  And it's also obvious that if you were burning out, you needed to cull a few things from your schedule.  So as the learning experience, you need to look back and consider which things you could have postponed or cancelled in order to prioritise the most important things.   So which things could you have postponed or cancelled to ensure you were all good for the wedding? 

 

[Foxhall]

18 hours ago, ironpony said:

I managed to get up and make the reception later,

well at least that was something and they are still talking to you, so youve probably got away with it on this one,

likewise I would say you are never going to please everyone and cannot be always dancing to other peoples tunes,

It takes time I guess but being able to say No and having the conviction to suit yourself is a mentality worth aspiring too.

[BaileyB]

OP, people who have demanding jobs and a personal life tend not to have a side hobby that takes up all their time. 

Likewise, people who are very committed to work and/or heavily invested in hobbies tend not to be able to manage much of a personal life. 

You are trying to do it all and as you have just discovered - you can’t. You need to prioritize what is most important to you.

 

Edited May 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I would be pretty darn angry if my best friend missed my wedding.

Seriously? You agreed to be their photographer and then missed the wedding. Other people took photos? 

That would be a tremendous disappointment - it’s their wedding day, and they are relying on the photos their guests took because their photographer missed the wedding. I feel badly for them. You should be very grateful that they were so understanding. Most people would not have been so understanding.

Well I mean they may react differently once they are over with the honeymoon, since I don't know how they felt, since it was a public event, and they may have just been nice because they were in public.  I'm not sure.

What can I do to make it up to them do you think?

Edited May 29, 2022 by ironpony

[ironpony]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

And while you focus on the pointless discussion of whether or not you should feel bad, you will continue to screw up.   In short, you made some bad choices which led to this very big mistake,  so what can you learn from it?   

Obviously the cause of the mistake was that your schedule was too full.  And it's also obvious that if you were burning out, you needed to cull a few things from your schedule.  So as the learning experience, you need to look back and consider which things you could have postponed or cancelled in order to prioritise the most important things.   So which things could you have postponed or cancelled to ensure you were all good for the wedding? 

 

Well I didn't want to cancel my siblings birthdays, and well as my friend's and niece's birthday, but should I have?  Or I didn't want to not work on my job either.  My problem was I didn't know all the overtime at work was going to happen, and I will try to watch out for that next time.  But is there anything I can do to make it up them?

Edited May 29, 2022 by ironpony

[ironpony]

50 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

OP, people who have demanding jobs and a personal life tend not to have a side hobby that takes up all their time. 

Likewise, people who are very committed to work and/or heavily invested in hobbies tend not to be able to manage much of a personal life. 

You are trying to do it all and as you have just discovered - you can’t. You need to prioritize what is most important to you.

 

Those are good points.  I don't think I can get out of work though, or a filmmaking project, once the ball is rolling.  If I need to concentrate on work and the filmmaking, how do I say I'm too busy to make it to birthdays and weddings though, without people taking it personally though?

Edited May 29, 2022 by ironpony

[basil67]

6 minutes ago, ironpony said:

Well I didn't want to cancel my siblings birthdays, and well as my friend's and niece's birthday, but should I have?  Or I didn't want to not work on my job either.  I am not sure what to do...

Life involves making choices which are difficult.  Avoiding those hard choices led to you not only missing the wedding but also in not meeting your promise of being photographer.  People have birthdays every year.  A wedding only happens once. 

Your priorities should have looked something like what I've put below and if you were getting slammed, you needed to cull some of the items in #3

1. Paid Work

2. Wedding

3. All the other things

 

[ironpony]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Life involves making choices which are difficult.  Avoiding those hard choices led to you not only missing the wedding but also in not meeting your promise of being photographer.  People have birthdays every year.  A wedding only happens once. 

Your priorities should have looked something like what I've put below and if you were getting slammed, you needed to cull some of the items in #3

1. Paid Work

2. Wedding

3. All the other things

 

Thank you very much for the input!  Next time there is a wedding I can try to say no to anything else for the rest of the month surrounding it, if that's best, just to be safe, besides work of course?

But also, is there anything I can do to make it up to them now perhaps?

[basil67]

You've apologised.   As you can't go back in time and photograph their wedding, there's really nothing else you can do.

[ironpony]

Okay, thank you very much for all the input.

[ironpony]

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Beating yourself up about it now accomplishes nothing.  You genuinely didn't mean to miss it.... it's not like you missed it because you didn't care.  Let this be a wake-up call that you need to stop letting yourself be too exhausted and overwhelmed by a grueling schedule and taking on too many things.  Just look at this as a learning experience and make the necessary changes in your life so you aren't feeling like this going forward.

How do other people not beat themselves up about this kind of thing though, and just write it off as people make mistakes though?

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

 But is there anything I can do to make it up them?

You could get them a wedding gift that would be meaningful to them (only you know what that might be as you know them personally).