Thought we were starting something, now getting mixed signals. What to do?

[PotatoHead]

After recently getting out of a relationship, I started talking more with this woman who had been an acquaintance or maybe a friend for quite a while.  Our kids go to some of the same activities so we see each other regularly.  We started messaging each other and eventually talked about our break ups and how neither of us are ready to start a relationship or anything yet, but that it would be nice to maybe hang out and enjoy each others company.  We agreed that we weren't looking for anything more than that and would keep it light, so it seemed pretty great.

We ended up getting together one night and had an amazing time.  She told me she would like for it to be a continuous thing and to get together again, but it has been a few weeks now and it hasn't happened.  We still exchange a few messages almost every day.  When we cross paths in person we have some lengthier conversations and laugh together quite a bit.  She always says that we will hang out again soon and have some fun, I have invited her a couple times but she always suggests a different day and then it never happens.  At this point I have stopped asking.

What gets me is that she will randomly still message me, ask how my day or night is going, sometimes is flirty with me.  One night I could tell she had had a couple drinks she said she missed me and wished we were together.  Other days I will message her and barely get a response back.  So it seems to me she is still interested but for whatever reason is not motivated enough or doesn't want to actually come spend time with me, or she is conflicted.  She is a bit younger than I am and I know she has plenty of friends and a busy social life, so maybe I am just something for when she is bored and she likes keeping my attention.  It seems the longer I wait to message her back or the shorter responses I give, the more interested she is in talking.

Not sure what she might be looking for, if I need to be more firm in making plans to see her again, or if I should just let it be and wait for her to come around?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

I started talking more with this woman who had been an acquaintance or maybe a friend for quite a while.  Our kids go to some of the same activities so we see each other regularly.

Just slow down a bit. While company is nice you are barely out of the mistress relationship, then the nanny crush and so on. Make sure you don't muddy the waters when it comes to kids and what type of stuff gets back to their mother. Be discreet, enjoy female company but keep it separate from anything having to do with your children.

[PotatoHead]

For sure, there is nothing going on around the kids or involving them.  It is just what allowed us to connect.  Not trying to take things fast by any means, just confused as to what this woman's intentions might be.  At most I thought we might be friends with occasional benefits.  I've just never done that before and not sure what to expect, how to move forward or initiate things.

[Kamille]

Quote

We started messaging each other and eventually talked about our break ups and how neither of us are ready to start a relationship or anything yet, but that it would be nice to maybe hang out and enjoy each others company.  

Her behavior is in line with your original agreement. She's not looking for a relationship or anything yet. 

Apparently you are wanting more. Keep your options open - start looking elsewhere for that relationship.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

We started messaging each other and eventually talked about our break ups and how neither of us are ready to start a relationship or anything yet,

Her behaviour with you supports this. 

She is evidently only looking for occasional company in you. Some attention or affection when it suits. But it's not a priority for her. My guess is that if she spoke about her break-up with you, she is still processing that and not in a place to offer you more consistent hook-ups. 

Try not to get attached to the texting. It doesn't mean a lot and might give you false hope. 

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for the advice.  Like I said I am new to this type of arrangement, so it feels abnormal switching between hot and cold all the time.  I will try to stop thinking on it and hoping to see her.

For now I am back on some online dating apps, just seeing what's out there and to give me something to do.  Again not looking for anything serious.

[glows]

4 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

so maybe I am just something for when she is bored and she likes keeping my attention. 

This about sums it up very well.

Find other things to do besides online dating apps and women. Balance things out a little with other interests and hobbies. 

[Alvi]

She probably wants to keep you around her orbit just in case. Don't think she is that interested, even in something very casual. But on the other hand, if she is young and very sexual and is looking for a casual thing, she probably has an army of guys at the front door, vying for her attention. So she has plenty to choose from. You on the other hand would have to compete hard for her. Or maybe she really wants something very casual and infrequent.

7 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

For now I am back on some online dating apps, just seeing what's out there and to give me something to do.  Again not looking for anything serious.

Get some other hobby. Doubt the on-line dating is going to relieve your boredom. You may find a woman or two to have a fling with but for most part you are going to have plenty of competition. If a woman is relatively good looking and is only after sex, well, just being honest, what are the chances that she is going to pick you out of all other guys?

[Ami1uwant]

7 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks for the advice.  Like I said I am new to this type of arrangement, so it feels abnormal switching between hot and cold all the time.  I will try to stop thinking on it and hoping to see her.

For now I am back on some online dating apps, just seeing what's out there and to give me something to do.  Again not looking for anything serious.

This isn’t hot and cold.

There was  no relationship here.

 

she sounds like you had fun together but it’s not the time fir a relationship foreither of you so no need to rush and see you again.

 

 

[dramafreezone]

On 5/27/2022 at 8:39 AM, PotatoHead said:

After recently getting out of a relationship, I started talking more with this woman who had been an acquaintance or maybe a friend for quite a while.  Our kids go to some of the same activities so we see each other regularly.  We started messaging each other and eventually talked about our break ups and how neither of us are ready to start a relationship or anything yet, but that it would be nice to maybe hang out and enjoy each others company.  We agreed that we weren't looking for anything more than that and would keep it light, so it seemed pretty great.

We ended up getting together one night and had an amazing time.  She told me she would like for it to be a continuous thing and to get together again, but it has been a few weeks now and it hasn't happened.  We still exchange a few messages almost every day.  When we cross paths in person we have some lengthier conversations and laugh together quite a bit.  She always says that we will hang out again soon and have some fun, I have invited her a couple times but she always suggests a different day and then it never happens.  At this point I have stopped asking.

What gets me is that she will randomly still message me, ask how my day or night is going, sometimes is flirty with me.  One night I could tell she had had a couple drinks she said she missed me and wished we were together.  Other days I will message her and barely get a response back.  So it seems to me she is still interested but for whatever reason is not motivated enough or doesn't want to actually come spend time with me, or she is conflicted.  She is a bit younger than I am and I know she has plenty of friends and a busy social life, so maybe I am just something for when she is bored and she likes keeping my attention.  It seems the longer I wait to message her back or the shorter responses I give, the more interested she is in talking.

Not sure what she might be looking for, if I need to be more firm in making plans to see her again, or if I should just let it be and wait for her to come around?

She may be vascillating.  I don't think it's just her friends or that she's busy.  She may be but when someone really likes you all of that other stuff falls by the wayside.

It probably doesn't help that you are over-pursuing.  She probably senses that you are getting attached too quickly and is holding back because of that.  When you back off, then she heats up.  This is just how some people are, they are only interested when you are less interested.

I wouldn't take her too seriously to be honest.  Just hang out and have fun if it happens again but I wouldn't keep her at the top of your list of priorities.  She does not know what she wants.

[smackie9]

She likes the type that stays aloof because she finds the challenge stimulating. Leave it at that, and date other people.

[CLS63AMG]

Make a move for crying out loud, she's screaming for it.  You're going waaaay too slow. 

[ChatroomHero]

It sounds like you are an orbiter and she is keeping you there. Someone else said, make a move, but you have said you have asked and been turned down enough times that you stopped asking. Here's the basics...she says she misses you and wants to hang out with you...you say, ok, let's hang out...she says, "Nah".

"I know she has plenty of friends and a busy social life"...meaning she has time to see you whenever she wanted to, but on her list of priorities you can't even crack the top 100. If someone has moderate interest in you, they will go to pretty great lengths to find time. She's going to 0 lengths to make time for you. That's the orbiter's role, fill the need for mental stimulation, verbal companionship, someone to text about things, but keep them away from anything meaningful.

You want to date her, she wants a pen pal. If I were you, I'd cut bait and cut ties. Basically, I'd stop being a pen pal and move on. She's not going to "come around", what you have now is what she wants, her actions have told you that explicitly. She communicates with you when you fill the need, when you are not needed you do not exist to her. When she replies fast, she is bored. When the responses slow, she has something better. Her pen pal fills the gaps of boredom and nothing else. 

 

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

"I know she has plenty of friends and a busy social life"...meaning she has time to see you whenever she wanted to, but on her list of priorities you can't even crack the top 100. If someone has moderate interest in you, they will go to pretty great lengths to find time. She's going to 0 lengths to make time for you. That's the orbiter's role, fill the need for mental stimulation, verbal companionship, someone to text about things, but keep them away from anything meaningful.

 

In other words, actions speak louder than words OP.  She can say whatever she wants but if she is taking no action to be with you, then that's how she feels, not strongly enough to want to see you in person.

[Wiseman2]

It's good to have female friends and especially ones you have something in common with like your kids etc. However be careful not to let the desire for things blur the lines.

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for all the feedback here, I've been away for a bit.

I've taken a step back and am not going to pursue anything, I don't message her unless she messages me first and am keeping it very platonic.  I think I had made it pretty clear that I wanted to see her and she didn't feel the same, so I am not going to continue.  Her words were very different from her actions.

 

[PotatoHead]

On 5/27/2022 at 9:54 PM, Alvi said:

If a woman is relatively good looking and is only after sex, well, just being honest, what are the chances that she is going to pick you out of all other guys?

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence there 😂  but no, you're right.  Online dating is much different than the real world, it seems it is skewed heavily in the woman's favor.  And it's not just looking for sex, I am open to go on some dates, find friends, see where it goes.   I am better than average in appearance, height, etc. and have a lot going for me.  The women I've met in real life and been with are also above average, usually comparable in scale to myself or above.  With these dating apps though, obviously women are flooded with options and are able to increase their standards, while men are lucky to get any matches or responses.  The matches I've gotten are women that I would never be excited to go on a date with.  I've chatted with a few but there has to be at least some basic attraction, and I don't think it's too much to ask that someone takes care of themselves.  So I am kinda over it already and just finding other ways to pass the time.

[Lotsgoingon]

There are no mixed signals. No such thing. A relationship requires clarity on both sides, high clarity that they can and want to move forward.

Mixed signals could be ambivalence on her part. One day she likes you, another day she doesn't want to go further. 

Mixed signals could be turmoil in her life. She doesn't have the time or energy to really let a relationship go further.

Mixed signals could be that in the moment, she wants to have sex with you (and nothing more other than friendly conversation) but then she thinks about it and realizes she can't do that without making your relationship messy.

All of these are a "no." All are red flags. 

Her disappearing act and then quick and intimate returns when she flirts --huge red flag. She's all over the place. She's just not ready for anything more.  Again, this is a "no."

 

 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks for all the feedback here, I've been away for a bit.

I've taken a step back and am not going to pursue anything, I don't message her unless she messages me first and am keeping it very platonic.  I think I had made it pretty clear that I wanted to see her and she didn't feel the same, so I am not going to continue.  Her words were very different from her actions.

 

Kindly, I'd like to see you take the next couple of years to throw yourself into activities with your kids (can you maybe coach their teams, etc.?) and learn to be alone (and happy) with yourself. When you yearn for a relationship with a woman, you leave yourself wide open to getting involved with someone who may not be the best option for you and that comes from desperation and "needing" a woman in your life. When you spend some time alone, focusing on the upbringing and well-being of your children, you learn about yourself. Eventually, you'll find that you won't need nor accept the first warm body that crosses your path. 

[Lauriebell82]

So what I don't quite understand is that you both said you weren't looking for a relationship and to keep things more casual. She seemed to be doing that, but perhaps your expectations were more for her to act like a girlfriend but not actually be one? I say this because I have had this experience in the past after my divorce where men would tell me they weren't ready for a relationship, YET they acted similar to how a boyfriend would act. I mean it was like everything except the title. 

My other thought was that you aren't actually ready for a relationship, yet given that she has made herself unavailable to you it makes you want to chase after her. I feel like this is something that happens to a lot of guys who don't want a committment or a relationship-the minute a girl starts playing hard to get they start chasing. But it's short lived because I think if this girl actually DID express interest and text you back/see you regularly, you may get bored or lose interest in her quickly because you aren't looking for that level of committment. Something to think about. 

[CLS63AMG]

She only wants the hanky panky when its convenient, I'd keep her around for that (why not!?).  If you take it easy and dont force things it could turn into more.

[PotatoHead]

18 hours ago, Lauriebell82 said:

My other thought was that you aren't actually ready for a relationship, yet given that she has made herself unavailable to you it makes you want to chase after her. I feel like this is something that happens to a lot of guys who don't want a committment or a relationship-the minute a girl starts playing hard to get they start chasing. But it's short lived because I think if this girl actually DID express interest and text you back/see you regularly, you may get bored or lose interest in her quickly because you aren't looking for that level of committment. Something to think about. 

I think that sums it up pretty well.  This was a new type of situation to me, I wasn't sure what to expect but could only base my expectations on what she was telling me.  That she wanted to see me, hook up again, etc. so of course I was hoping she would follow through.  But after that not happening for a while I realize now she wanted to keep me on the back burner and keep getting attention from me.  I'm not going to play those games, so I stopped messaging and don't try to keep our conversations going in person anymore.

Edited June 2, 2022 by PotatoHead