do transitions often become LTRs?

[Romonce]

Greetings, new member here. 

When a guy adores a woman and she likes him a lot too but just wants to be transitional friends with flexible physical boundaries and says she doesn't see the guy as a future LTR (after he tells her, twice, how he feels about her), is there any point in hoping she might change her mind and eventually fall for him after all?

It feels funny asking this like a teenager in middle age (55), but I've been single for a long time and finally feel ready to have a relationship again.

She is 41 and divorced with two wonderful teens. By now I feel like I know a great thing when I see it. Or maybe I'm just seeing illusions? I ran away from a keeper when I was much younger and dumber and don't want to repeat the mistake.

We are both romantics, but I'm more practical now than I was at her age and no longer as prone to fairy tales. She seems to want Mr. Perfect, and I guess I'm just Mr. Great Transitional Guy. 

Evidently I'm still romantic enough to hope this might turn around, or is this hoping for too much? 

I figure I have a couple of options. One, take her at her word and enjoy whatever we have for now and let it go when she moves on. Two, move along now and seek a more reciprocal relationship. Or three, be patient and see if her feelings change. 

We've been hanging out for about six months now but have known each other for a few years. We were just acquaintances for a while, then just friends (always with endless things to talk about, which I felt as chemistry) because she was in a relationship. That long relationship ended last summer and she's been "in transition" since then. I was not expecting this breakup and was happy to get a chance to get to know her better. I liked her when we first met and now my adoration keeps growing.

I know it's impossible to answer this for sure, but I welcome any insights. Love has never been my strong point. I don't want to be too naive, but not too hasty either. Maybe give it a few more months and see where it goes?

 

Edited May 21, 2022 by Romonce
Typo

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Romonce said:

We've been hanging out for about six months now but have known each other for a few years.

Are you dating or FWB or just friends at this point? It's unclear what she means by "wants to be transitional friends with flexible physical boundaries"? She is avoiding emotional involvement or an exclusive relationship?

Keep your options open. While she may be a good friend or FWB, she's too confused to hold your breath for.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Romonce said:

When a guy adores a woman and she likes him a lot too but just wants to be transitional friends with flexible physical boundaries and says she doesn't see the guy as a future LTR (after he tells her, twice, how he feels about her),

Please clarify the part in bold above. What was it she said exactly here? What was it she was referring to? You're in denial if you're not listening carefully to what she's saying. 

Also, are you single, separated, newly divorced, financially stable, have your life together? Why would she say something like that? She's obviously physically attracted enough to you to keep being intimate. There's something or issues about you that she doesn't agree with.

 

[IrinaM]

Quote

says she doesn't see the guy as a future LTR (after he tells her, twice, how he feels about her), is there any point in hoping she might change her mind and eventually fall for him after all?

No. You told her how you feel and she says she doesn't see you as a LTR. Drop all contact with her and move on. This "relationship" will not end well for you.

[Romonce]

Thank you all for the followup questions and the reality check. I'm already thinking I might be as mixed up as she is, two middle aged ships lost in the night.

We are not FWB, just affectionate friends. This is strange and totally new to me. We hold each other a lot (watching movies) and kiss now and then. Couple of makeouts but fully clothed. I'm not sure where her flexible boundaries are, but it feels like this could become sexual pretty easily. 

She's never been single before (since marrying young) and says she's missing sex yet sends me mixed messages (IMO), saying we're just friends then getting streamed up when we kiss. She often thanks me for being so sweet and thoughtful, tender, etc. She's not used to being with truly nice guys, so I wonder if she will ever fall for one.

Last night I resolved to talk with her about "friendship" boundaries a week from now when she returns from a business trip.

As for me, I'm very financially sound, super stable. Never married, just a couple of LTRs in the past, but the last one ended years ago. I'm a quiet and very shy person and don't meet people easily or often. Also a perfectionist, which I'm trying hard to recover from. It's my only addiction. I'm totally clean substance wise and law abiding.

When I told her how much I like her and would like to be with her seriously, she said she values our special close friendship and feels safe with me but that she doesn't sense this developing into a permanent relationship, meaning marriage. She described her last LTR (7+ years) as toxic and feels the need to heal from this. 

In addition, last summer she fell in love with a married coworker and had high hopes that they could somehow get together. His wife found out and it was quite the scene even though nothing happened beyond suggestive texting. She seems over this now, after much grief, but perhaps apparently still blind to reality. She says she wants to meet Mr Right and be married again.

I don't know why I don't qualify in her eyes. Maybe not quite her fantasy, maybe too old in her view (her parents are young too and actually closer to my age than she is).

As I write this I'm suddenly realizing how mixed up she is. You guys caught this right away and here I am in denial for six months not realizing it. Looks like I am mixed up as well. 

You guys have helped me already. Guess I'm older but not much wiser yet. She's super smart (professionally at least) and gorgeous too but at this point probably not worth the tangled web of FWB. I'm rather traditional but trying to be open minded. Now thinking I need to either set my own boundaries or prepare for further confusion.

Edited May 22, 2022 by Romonce

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, Romonce said:

just wants to be transitional friends

What is a "transitional friend"? That's a new one for me. Transitioning from what? 

12 hours ago, Romonce said:

is there any point in hoping she might change her mind and eventually fall for him after all?

Unfortunately, this is very unlikely. It is best to stop all the cuddles and what not. She is indulging in some physical affection and attention, but doesn't have romantic feelings for you. You are going to wind up hurt if you hang on to the hope that she might one day fall in love. I have had a couple close male friends, one of whom revealed his feelings for me. I just didn't see him that way, and it never changed. We had to put some distance there so as not to cause further issues. He eventually found a lovely woman who is crazy about him. He was a wonderful guy, but just not for me. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Romonce said:

 last summer she fell in love with a married coworker and had high hopes that they could somehow get together. 

Try stepping back from this. She seems too messed up to get involved in if she's chasing after married men.

Don't be led on. Free yourself for a lady who appreciates you.

[glows]

12 hours ago, Romonce said:

When I told her how much I like her and would like to be with her seriously, she said she values our special close friendship and feels safe with me but that she doesn't sense this developing into a permanent relationship, meaning marriage. She described her last LTR (7+ years) as toxic and feels the need to heal from this. 

In addition, last summer she fell in love with a married coworker and had high hopes that they could somehow get together. His wife found out and it was quite the scene even though nothing happened beyond suggestive texting. She seems over this now, after much grief, but perhaps apparently still blind to reality. She says she wants to meet Mr Right and be married again.

I don't know why I don't qualify in her eyes. Maybe not quite her fantasy, maybe too old in her view (her parents are young too and actually closer to my age than she is).

You don't qualify because you aren't toxic like her previous relationship and the other one, Mr. Married. I agree with the others. Steer clear, let her know that you aren't open to being friends and wish her well. This is a new beginning for you with someone else. This woman is utterly not an option to date. 

[Alpacalia]

Her failure to process her baggage and make good decisions is evident by her dating a married man after a toxic relationship. The advantage of dating a married man is that she might get what she wants without sacrificing too much time and energy. There's barely enough mental energy to react against an old flame who messed her over.

Whether you end up dating her, you're doing yourself no favors by being a cuddle buddy. Just say no. Bottom line: Even though it may sting, it will also leave you with a sense of dignity - which is really more precious than the thought of another excellent make-out session that makes you feel hollow and sad as hell.

Hold the expectation that she will treat you as special as you treat her, and stick to it.

[Romonce]

Thank you all again. This situation is becoming clearer to me by the hour. Now if I can just fall out of my infatuation and let go of my own fantasies about her. 

I love the cuddling as much as she does, but I'm now facing the fact that my ulterior motive is the hope of changing her mind about me. If this is unlikely, I need to ditch it and move on.

To clarify, she did not date a married man or even go after him. He started it by confessing feelings for her. She wrote this off at first but then fell for him after all. It never amounted to anything beyond texts and talk and lots of emotions. Could have been much worse. It was just an awkward workplace drama, and I think lesson learned.

Now she seems to be turning the tables by being the unavailable one instead of falling for an unavailable guy. Makes me wonder why I'm so drawn to her. Maybe I'm not as available or ready as I wish either. Self-reflection is tough sometimes.

[glows]

You seem to have rosy lenses with her. Talking and involving herself through texts, calls or other means with a married person is an emotional affair. He was in an emotional affair with her and she fully participated. Take those pink glasses off. It will help you determine better partners in the future and let go of this limerence or infatuation with someone not truly available or interested in dating you. 

I think you are correct that you may not be as emotionally available yourself as you might have anticipated. Let her know her proposal doesn't work and wish her all the best. 

Edited May 22, 2022 by glows

[Romonce]

Thanks for teaching me the word limerence. It sounds uncomfortably close to what's been happening here. Me with her, her with him, him with her. Tinted glasses all around, and not for the first time. Sigh, much inner work to do.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Romonce said:

Thanks for teaching me the word limerence. It sounds uncomfortably close to what's been happening here. Me with her, her with him, him with her. Tinted glasses all around, and not for the first time. Sigh, much inner work to do.

You’re welcome and self-improvement is lifelong for everyone. No one is perfect.