New relationship, annoying FWB issue

[SingFish]

3 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Well,  we were informed we had a positive Covid exposure at work when I got in here at 1pm (we worked together last night and she was sick) so I don’t think I should go down there being as he’s recovering.  

I replied to his texts on my break. I think you’re right, I shouldn’t stew over this.  Just feel like I’m hitting him with this when he’s in pain.

It's reasonable to ask and check if he is exclusively with you. I must say social media really complicates life, if you hadn't seen this little message you would be happier!

 

 

[slippinglimpse]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems bumpy all along, so your instincts are good.

What you are noticing is this little thing, then that thing, etc. cropping up. Like Whac-A-Mole.

Keep in mind the SM entry you noticed is not the full story. Trust your gut feelings.

Take time to reflect if he's good at lip-service or relationships.

Thank you for this.  Believe it or not, I am very intuitive.  My problem is acting on that.

This is great insight, ty so much.

[slippinglimpse]

59 minutes ago, SingFish said:

It's reasonable to ask and check if he is exclusively with you. I must say social media really complicates life, if you hadn't seen this little message you would be happier!

 

 

I thought the conversation we had before being intimate covered exclusivity.  I firmly said I do not have sex with someone who is having sex with others.

I was very happy until I saw that she knew he was having surgery that morning.  

Obviously, it could of been from a text —-hey how are you?  And finding out surgery was scheduled for the next day.

She could of left it at that, but went on to comment.  Which means he never said I’ve met someone or if he did she doesn’t GAF.

Thank you for this input SingFish, I appreciate it.
 

 

Edited May 19, 2022 by slippinglimpse
Spelling

[slippinglimpse]

54 minutes ago, glows said:

Bring it up at a time that feels comfortable to you. The least you can do is let him know you're not ok with one of his friends but I'm also not sure what good that would do. Be prepared to go your separate ways if you both disagree. He seems to be very persuasive and you seem like you're very much in love with him so trying to be objective about whether he's compatible with you or acknowledging those disagreements may be very challenging. 

The worst case scenario is that you are not fine with his choice in friends, you both disagree and you stay with him anyway because he keeps persuading you that it's a good choice.

 

Thank you for your support Glow.  I need to read this over and over.

I don’t thinking bringing it up will change much either.  Not sure he will get it.

There is a reason he told me about his friend that he wanted me to meet and a reason why he didn’t identify the one he was involved with before me (they met two years ago).

He doesn’t want me to know about her.  But then again, he didn’t hide the comment either, which is a simple thing to do.

 

[Alpacalia]

I can guarantee you that if he was serious about the two of you, the other woman would fall off the radar

So, no.

It's not worth taking him seriously.

[FMW]

You are assuming that they are still in regular contact because of the short period of time in which she could have found out about this particular issue.  You don't know how it happened - maybe a mutual acquaintance told her.  But sure, it could be that they are in contact almost daily and share all the details of their life with each other.  I'm constantly amazed, but it seems there are a lot of people who post personal thoughts and feelings on SM all the time, including messages for any and all to see.  Her post may reveal more about her personality than her current involvement with him.  

If he and the relationship are important to you I think it's worth at least having a conversation about it and asking pointed questions about his current relationship and contact with her.  

If you actually think there's a good chance they are still having sex then you have a trust problem.  Either you find it hard to trust anyone and automatically jump to the worst case scenario, or he's actually NOT trustworthy and you are picking that up.  

Again, I think it's worth having a conversation, about all the issues about which you are unsure.  In the meantime it probably would be a good idea to dial back your emotional investment in the relationship until you have a better idea of where you stand with him.  

[slippinglimpse]

33 minutes ago, FMW said:

You are assuming that they are still in regular contact because of the short period of time in which she could have found out about this particular issue.  You don't know how it happened - maybe a mutual acquaintance told her.  But sure, it could be that they are in contact almost daily and share all the details of their life with each other.  I'm constantly amazed, but it seems there are a lot of people who post personal thoughts and feelings on SM all the time, including messages for any and all to see.  Her post may reveal more about her personality than her current involvement with him.  

If he and the relationship are important to you I think it's worth at least having a conversation about it and asking pointed questions about his current relationship and contact with her.  

If you actually think there's a good chance they are still having sex then you have a trust problem.  Either you find it hard to trust anyone and automatically jump to the worst case scenario, or he's actually NOT trustworthy and you are picking that up.  

Again, I think it's worth having a conversation, about all the issues about which you are unsure.  In the meantime it probably would be a good idea to dial back your emotional investment in the relationship until you have a better idea of where you stand with him.  

Thank you FMW, you managed to encapsulate my widely spiraling thoughts into a neat timeline.

I don’t have much knowledge of this FWB relationship type and that is why I posted here.

I am so thankful for each measured response here, they all have enabled me to look at all aspects of this.

I am a confident woman!  I was not concerned that he was still having sex with her at all.  From what I can see He has no interaction with her beyond what any friend would do. Until I saw the comment on such a private matter by her….. Following our extended weekend together before his surgery.  I was like what the heck.

There had not been any signs of her giddy enthusiasm towards him, that was exhibited by her at times before we met —since we became involved.  She is very easy to read and the times following any benefits are easily spotted by her SM tone on his page.

I too am incredulous at times by what people post. 

We will have to talk about it. I would prefer to do so in person so it might have to wait until my Covid exposure proves negative.

I miss feeling like myself tonight towards him.  But I agree-  right now it’s self preservation time. 
 

Thank you again.

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse
Spelling

[slippinglimpse]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately it seems bumpy all along, so your instincts are good.

What you are noticing is this little thing, then that thing, etc. cropping up. Like Whac-A-Mole.

Keep in mind the SM entry you noticed is not the full story. Trust your gut feelings.

Take time to reflect if he's good at lip-service or relationships.

"Like whac-a-mole" -- thank you for the much needed levity I literally laughed out loud.

I'm going to say that the SM entry I noticed is not the full story to him.  What is?

 

[slippinglimpse]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I can guarantee you that if he was serious about the two of you, the other woman would fall off the radar

So, no.

It's not worth taking him seriously.

Thank you for your input Alpacalia, I appreciate it.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

I don’t have much knowledge of this FWB relationship type and that is why I posted here.

There isn't really one standard, though. Again, it means something different to everyone. For some, it's basically just casual sex but with someone you know. For others, it's a friendship that took a turn towards sexual intimacy. And for others still, one person has feelings and wants more but will settle for just sex even though the other party doesn't want to date them. 

9 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

 He came back a day later asking if we could go to dinner and said the concern would not rise again—“I promise”.  And it hasn’t.

What concern was this? 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

He doesn’t want me to know about her.  But then again, he didn’t hide the comment either, which is a simple thing to do.

Unfortunately he seems to treat you all like FWB, in the sense of having fun together, but with limits on the relationship. Meaning he keeps his life quite separate and prefers it that way.

Perhaps that's the best he can do or all he's offering. It's seems like you would like a relationship with some potential for growth.

But he's keeping it stalled in a FWB situation with you to avoid any real intimacy. That's his style, that's who he is.

Think about it. Someone who wants FWBs doesn't really want relationships. That's the point of it. Even if you are exclusive, he's still keeping you at arm's length.

[slippinglimpse]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately he seems to treat you all like FWB, in the sense of having fun together, but with limits on the relationship. Meaning he keeps his life quite separate and prefers it that way.

Perhaps that's the best he can do or all he's offering. It's seems like you would like a relationship with some potential for growth.

But he's keeping it stalled in a FWB situation with you to avoid any real intimacy. That's his style, that's who he is.

Think about it. Someone who wants FWBs doesn't really want relationships. That's the point of it. Even if you are exclusive, he's still keeping you at arm's length.

It's possible that he doesn't want relationships.  Maybe before me.  I don't think that his actions towards me supports that.  I don't know if FWB goes to the lengths he has.  The first time we met up he came with gifts--his homemade canned goods, bakery items, treats for my pets.  The first time I went to his home he stocked up on my favorites. Doted on me. Very affectionate, romantic.  Had my favorite music playing.  Introduced me to his daughter.  Showed me around his property, sat outside holding hands and talking for a long time.

I didn't think that FWB go to the lengths that he has. Every morning he reaches out, sending sweet and funny greetings.  Checks in during the day.  Sends songs.

I am a giver also.

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse
Spelling

[slippinglimpse]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There isn't really one standard, though. Again, it means something different to everyone. For some, it's basically just casual sex but with someone you know. For others, it's a friendship that took a turn towards sexual intimacy. And for others still, one person has feelings and wants more but will settle for just sex even though the other party doesn't want to date them. 

What concern was this? 

The dreaded political talk.

[introverted1]

19 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

He makes plans for us, we were to go away next month with his friends, wants to take me everywhere he goes.  I really was blindsided seeing her comment, to see she knew he was having surgery.   That they were that close that she knew between the Friday and the Sunday (that we were together).

Was it emergency surgery?

If not, odds are that he's known about it for a while.  Non-emergency surgery typically isn't scheduled on a Friday for Monday.  This would indicate that perhaps the friend knew about it from an earlier conversation, not one over the weekend.

[slippinglimpse]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Was it emergency surgery?

If not, odds are that he's known about it for a while.  Non-emergency surgery typically isn't scheduled on a Friday for Monday.  This would indicate that perhaps the friend knew about it from an earlier conversation, not one over the weekend.

It was not emergency surgery.  

It was scheduled late Friday for Monday am.  He did know the date not the time.  I was surprised when I saw her comment because we were together Thur-Sunday.

I just realized he/we knew the date for awhile.  A few weeks.

It was the time he didn’t know.  

So she could of known for a week or two it was that day.  

Thank you introverted.  

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse
Spelling

[SingFish]

2 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

The dreaded political talk.

What does that mean?!

[Mrin]

Mmmmm I'm going a different direction on this OP. I think it'll give you some food for thought though I don't think you'll be inclined to agree with my point of view.

You know, there is a big difference between an FWB and a F-buddy for some people. The F in FWB stands for "friend". Perhaps he just dropped the "WB" and has maintained a friendship with this woman? Maybe he really values her friendship. And you didn't say how long they have been friends (with or without benefits) but let's just suppose it was measured in years. Why would he de-friend a long-term friend for a woman he's dated for what... 3 months? Who admittedly is just now re-entering the dating scene after many years - typically those sorts of relationships don't work out long term. I don't mean to be cruel but I want you to put this in perspective...

F-buddies are all about a different F. Lol. Once that stops there's nothing worth preserving. 

Speaking for myself, I am still friends with most women with whom I've been in relationships. Those friendships matter to me. They matter to me. But they are in no way a threat to a woman I'm currently dating. No more so than my guy friends. Seriously, I can't even wrap my head around the idea... Maybe it is because I can compartmentalize? But it's never become an issue and none of my past female lovers have ever tried to cross that boundary when I am in a relationship. 

I dunno OP. I think you're spiraling here and insecurity is showing through. I also think he's doing a horrible job of communicating with you about this. You shouldn't be left guessing as to what's going on. He should be proactive and explaining what his friendship or connection with this woman is to set your mind at ease. And he should be very transparent about it.

Look, I get it. It's not ideal but life is messy and organic especially as we get older. If he's going to preserve these sorts of friendships - and I totally get why he would want to - then he needs to go above and beyond to make sure that you feel as safe and secure as possible.

I'll leave you with this one last thought. Men like this - who preserve the friendship aspect of past FWB's or relationships - typically form bonds with relationship partners that go beyond the romantic and sexual. The bonds are bigger and broader.  More encompassing and have real friendship aspects to them. Which is great but it also means that they don't treat women as disposable once the romantic parts of that bond die off. You should ask yourself - what sort of man do you want to form a relationship bond with? One that is purely limited to the romantic? Or one that is broader and more encompassing such as what I described above?

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited May 20, 2022 by Mrin

[slippinglimpse]

50 minutes ago, SingFish said:

What does that mean?!

There’s only so much political talk one wants to listen to.  It’s everywhere.

Thats why politics are not allowed to be discussed on this forum—outside of the sub-forum.

End of discussion, it was asked and answered.

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse

[glows]

I'd cool off on the relationship and slow it down if you feel that your physical attraction or intimacy is affecting your decision making, ie whether he's a partner long term. 

The issue is fairly straightforward as you have more questions about him that you have answers in terms of your relationship, his lifestyle, his choices, how he thinks. If you're not confident in the way a person thinks, trust is likely to be on shaky ground. You have little understanding between one another. What you feel for him has far outweighed and move too far along in that respect compared to what you actually think about him and also whether you can respect him or be with him long term.

People don't change overnight especially where it concerns their friends and chosen circle of those they trust and admire. Even if you were exclusive as a couple, it will play at the back of your mind whether you trust him or whether the guy is shifty and lacks judgment in relationships. I come at this with the premise that we date to see what kind of person that person is over a longer period of time, not fall in love and then try to fit that person into what we want them to be. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, slippinglimpse said:

It's possible that he doesn't want relationships.  Every morning he reaches out, sending sweet and funny greetings.  Checks in during the day.  Sends songs.

Yes, he seems to care about you a lot but also seems to compartmentalize quite a bit. Continue to trust your instincts.

Most of all continue to observe if incompatibilities are clouding the sunny skies here or if you're just not used to each other's way of thinking.

[slippinglimpse]

32 minutes ago, glows said:

I'd cool off on the relationship and slow it down if you feel that your physical attraction or intimacy is affecting your decision making, ie whether he's a partner long term. 

The issue is fairly straightforward as you have more questions about him that you have answers in terms of your relationship, his lifestyle, his choices, how he thinks. If you're not confident in the way a person thinks, trust is likely to be on shaky ground. You have little understanding between one another. What you feel for him has far outweighed and move too far along in that respect compared to what you actually think about him and also whether you can respect him or be with him long term.

People don't change overnight especially where it concerns their friends and chosen circle of those they trust and admire. Even if you were exclusive as a couple, it will play at the back of your mind whether you trust him or whether the guy is shifty and lacks judgment in relationships. I come at this with the premise that we date to see what kind of person that person is over a longer period of time, not fall in love and then try to fit that person into what we want them to be. 

Thank you for this Glow.

I need to think, not just feel.  I generally am a deep thinker and give thought to everything but—-my work is really bogging me down.  It doesn’t leave much room for me to dig deep on my personal concerns and I’m not thinking clearly.

I feel better today—we’ve agreed to meet next week because of the concerns mentioned earlier.  He’s in a lot of pain unfortunately.  And my Covid exposure is reason enough not to see him.

He has had relationships with really nice women.  Our first dinner date he was approached by the son of his former girlfriend—they remain friends.  

She had relocated to another state.  Her son approached him and they had such a nice interaction.  The respect for one another was obvious.  I was introduced and we all had a nice conversation.

I allowed this one person to get under my skin and she remains there.  Once we have the much needed conversation regarding her I hope we both can move forward in a healthy way.

 

 

[slippinglimpse]

1 hour ago, Mrin said:

Mmmmm I'm going a different direction on this OP. I think it'll give you some food for thought though I don't think you'll be inclined to agree with my point of view.

You know, there is a big difference between an FWB and a F-buddy for some people. The F in FWB stands for "friend". Perhaps he just dropped the "WB" and has maintained a friendship with this woman? Maybe he really values her friendship. And you didn't say how long they have been friends (with or without benefits) but let's just suppose it was measured in years. Why would he de-friend a long-term friend for a woman he's dated for what... 3 months? Who admittedly is just now re-entering the dating scene after many years - typically those sorts of relationships don't work out long term. I don't mean to be cruel but I want you to put this in perspective...

F-buddies are all about a different F. Lol. Once that stops there's nothing worth preserving. 

Speaking for myself, I am still friends with most women with whom I've been in relationships. Those friendships matter to me. They matter to me. But they are in no way a threat to a woman I'm currently dating. No more so than my guy friends. Seriously, I can't even wrap my head around the idea... Maybe it is because I can compartmentalize? But it's never become an issue and none of my past female lovers have ever tried to cross that boundary when I am in a relationship. 

I dunno OP. I think you're spiraling here and insecurity is showing through. I also think he's doing a horrible job of communicating with you about this. You shouldn't be left guessing as to what's going on. He should be proactive and explaining what his friendship or connection with this woman is to set your mind at ease. And he should be very transparent about it.

Look, I get it. It's not ideal but life is messy and organic especially as we get older. If he's going to preserve these sorts of friendships - and I totally get why he would want to - then he needs to go above and beyond to make sure that you feel as safe and secure as possible.

I'll leave you with this one last thought. Men like this - who preserve the friendship aspect of past FWB's or relationships - typically form bonds with relationship partners that go beyond the romantic and sexual. The bonds are bigger and broader.  More encompassing and have real friendship aspects to them. Which is great but it also means that they don't treat women as disposable once the romantic parts of that bond die off. You should ask yourself - what sort of man do you want to form a relationship bond with? One that is purely limited to the romantic? Or one that is broader and more encompassing such as what I described above?

Best of luck!

Mrin

This has been very helpful to me.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me!

I definitely was spiraling (pretty sure I used that exact term upthread) and being insecure.  I’m a communicator.  I felt unable to do that on Monday because he was in surgery, nor after because…well-he had surgery.

I have zero experience with being in a relationship with someone who has had FWB and cherry on top—she’s actively on his SM and  likes to go down memory lane…..
 

So it’s an unknown to me—you and all the others have helped me immeasurably.

I’m not looking for him to discard anyone who he considers a friend.  I wouldn’t want a man like that.

What I told him was I won’t be intimate with someone who is having sex with others.  

That will not change.

Thanks again!

 

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse

[glows]

14 minutes ago, slippinglimpse said:

Thank you for this Glow.

I need to think, not just feel.  I generally am a deep thinker and give thought to everything but—-my work is really bogging me down.  It doesn’t leave much room for me to dig deep on my personal concerns and I’m not thinking clearly.

I feel better today—we’ve agreed to meet next week because of the concerns mentioned earlier.  He’s in a lot of pain unfortunately.  And my Covid exposure is reason enough not to see him.

He has had relationships with really nice women.  Our first dinner date he was approached by the son of his former girlfriend—they remain friends.  

She had relocated to another state.  Her son approached him and they had such a nice interaction.  The respect for one another was obvious.  I was introduced and we all had a nice conversation.

I allowed this one person to get under my skin and she remains there.  Once we have the much needed conversation regarding her I hope we both can move forward in a healthy way.

 

 

That's good to hear. See how it goes and take things step by step, bit by bit, each day at a time. You're not committed to this man. You're dating to see who he is.

[slippinglimpse]

40 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes, he seems to care about you a lot but also seems to compartmentalize quite a bit. Continue to trust your instincts.

Most of all continue to observe if incompatibilities are clouding the sunny skies here or if you're just not used to each other's way of thinking.

Thank you so much Wiseman.  You’ve helped me.  
 

You’ve given me guidance, and hope that we can work this out.

I just got a severe (real severe) weather alert on my phone.  And he just texted me the same urging me to be careful.  He has my town on his alerts.
 

I know he cares about me.

Thanks again.

Edited May 20, 2022 by slippinglimpse

[slippinglimpse]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

That's good to hear. See how it goes and take things step by step, bit by bit, each day at a time. You're not committed to this man. You're dating to see who he is.

Thank you Glow.  I’m going to slow down…..I thought I was moving very slow but I wasn’t.  My heart has a beat of its own.

I need to learn more about him, and he I.

What makes us tick.