Alana_cl Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Hi! I have been dating this guy for 2 months and it has been nice but the problem that I have it’s that last week, he asked to see me on Saturday only to cancel on me hours before because he had a situation with his family…. He immediately asked to see me next day and I even met his mom. This week, he said “let me know if you have any available space this week because I would like to see you” so I said Friday and today he asked me if it was possible to reschedule it for tomorrow…. I got upset and now I just don’t want to see him this weekend because I feel he doesn’t respect my time. I don’t know if I’m being too strict or difficult. He is really sweet in person and he also told me today that he wants something serious with me but it was important for him to resolve some situation today. He is also not a good texter and doesn’t even have social media. I don’t care about social media and I’m also not the best texter but he cancelling on me is making me feel unwanted. He has been also dealing with some family issues. His little brother it’s in some kind of mess.
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Life is short. He's disrespect and wasting your time. Tell him you're not a match, then delete and block him. At best he's disorganized,at worst he's on other dates. Either way he's a flake, so run.
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 He's not cancelling, he's rescheduling, big difference. He was good for 2 monnths, that has to count for something right? Now he reschedules 2 weekends in a row, to me rescheduling is not a big deal, life happens, the important is that he apologizes and he reschedules right away, if he were dating others like Wiseman2 suggested I don't think you would have met his mother. One day you'll be the one in a mess and you'll appreciate he's flexible with you. 3
glows Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 I’d be embarrassed and rethinking dating altogether if I had to reschedule twice, knowing I have ongoing family or personal issues preventing me from meeting a potential date. So, no, I wouldn’t overlook this if he’s blithe or expecting you to cater to changes in plans regularly. It is early days and it pays to trust your instincts on this. If you don’t feel he values your time, trust that and move onto a better match.
Alpacalia Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 (edited) 6 hours ago, Alana_cl said: He is really sweet in person and he also told me today that he wants something serious with me but it was important for him to resolve some situation today. 6 hours ago, Alana_cl said: He has been also dealing with some family issues. His little brother it’s in some kind of mess. It would seem there is an inconsistency there, wouldn't it? The message you are getting from him is that he is looking for a more serious relationship, but that he is too busy to devote as much time to the process as he would like. Things aren't going to move forward without some consistency in the beginning. Repeated rescheduling is stressful for you (regardless of the reason). He will have limited time, so he cannot spend it as freely with you. Edited May 7, 2022 by Alpacalia
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 6 hours ago, Alana_cl said: I'm feeling stressed and sad. At 60 days in, this is not how dating should feel. Trust your instincts that you're with the wrong person if during the usually bliss phase you're "stressed and sad" 2
smackie9 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 $%^& happens because life happens. He's doing what he can to see you while he deals with his family crisis. And for the love of god just pick up the phone and call him to see how he is doing. Texting is too avoidable, but a phone call will probably be more comforting for him and you. Men enjoy support from their lady. Be more positive, be his light. 3
Wiseman2 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 7 hours ago, Alana_cl said: His little brother it’s in some kind of mess. His brother is only in "some kind if mess" on weekends or when you happen to have a date? His parents aren't around?
dramafreezone Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 8 hours ago, Alana_cl said: Hi! I have been dating this guy for 2 months and it has been nice but the problem that I have it’s that last week, he asked to see me on Saturday only to cancel on me hours before because he had a situation with his family…. He immediately asked to see me next day and I even met his mom. This week, he said “let me know if you have any available space this week because I would like to see you” so I said Friday and today he asked me if it was possible to reschedule it for tomorrow…. I got upset and now I just don’t want to see him this weekend because I feel he doesn’t respect my time. I don’t know if I’m being too strict or difficult. He is really sweet in person and he also told me today that he wants something serious with me but it was important for him to resolve some situation today. He is also not a good texter and doesn’t even have social media. I don’t care about social media and I’m also not the best texter but he cancelling on me is making me feel unwanted. He has been also dealing with some family issues. His little brother it’s in some kind of mess. Two things can be true, he can have family issues as well as not have respect for your time. The former doesn't excuse the latter. You have to start by letting him know that you don't like the re-scheduling. I don't think this calls for extreme measures because it's not like he's flaking (ie. not showing up at the dating location). He is letting you know beforehand, but still I understand that you're setting aside time for him. Have a talk and discuss it. Let him know to only set aside time when he knows he'll be free. 1
Alpacalia Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 There's just one problem, though. This lady isn't his girlfriend. OP you can spend time trying to understand what is really going on with him, or decide on a course of action that has your best interests in mind too. Families can be demanding, and everyone gets ill. He cancelled, then asked when you are free, and rescheduled on that. It's hard to take someone seriously when they aren't sticking to their word. It also sounds like you’re not talking much in between dates? How do you feel about going on this date right now? Do you feel confident that you can enjoy yourself with him and have a good time with each other?
poppyfields Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 I'm with Gaeta and smackie9, sh*t happens and having the ability to be flexible is so important imo. I think if this happened on the first few dates scheduled it's one thing, but OP you've been dating him for two months consistently, that should account for something, don't you think? Plus he introduced you to his mom! Lol It sounds like you're allowing past hurts and insecurities to guide your thought process, which is sad. My advice is give him benefit of doubt, trust in the connection you've developed thus far and maintain a full and busy life so when a last minute reschedule arises, you're not left with nothing to do. Continue observing and if it becomes a habit, then reconsider. 3
glows Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Pay attention to a person’s actions early on and whether they match what they say. If you have your life moderately sorted and organized and don’t have a need to keep rescheduling it’s likely you’ll expect the same out of someone you’re dating. If you are the kind of person who has things come up then, yes, you’re going to want someone to date with the same flexibility. Honestly, it’s not any much more complicated than that. You date those who are similar to you and there’s no right or wrong answer. If you don’t like him or the way he handles his life, move on. It would be ridiculous to keep meeting someone who is dissimilar to you or continues to disappoint you. I’d also pay attention to his family relationships and other obligations as that can take a lot out of a person. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 11 hours ago, Alana_cl said: He is also not a good texter and doesn’t even have social media. I don’t care about social media and I’m also not the best texter I am curious why you mention his lack of social media if you don't care about social media. Me thinks you wouldn't have pointed this out for posters if it's not something that bugs you to some extent. So, how is that connected to this issue? Do you feel like you don't know him as well as you would like? 1
seapebbles Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 13 hours ago, Alana_cl said: Hi! I have been dating this guy for 2 months and it has been nice but the problem that I have it’s that last week, he asked to see me on Saturday only to cancel on me hours before because he had a situation with his family…. He immediately asked to see me next day and I even met his mom. This week, he said “let me know if you have any available space this week because I would like to see you” so I said Friday and today he asked me if it was possible to reschedule it for tomorrow…. I got upset and now I just don’t want to see him this weekend because I feel he doesn’t respect my time. I don’t know if I’m being too strict or difficult. He is really sweet in person and he also told me today that he wants something serious with me but it was important for him to resolve some situation today. He is also not a good texter and doesn’t even have social media. I don’t care about social media and I’m also not the best texter but he cancelling on me is making me feel unwanted. He has been also dealing with some family issues. His little brother it’s in some kind of mess. I'm going to assume that you both agreed to date exclusively and that he isn't dating others. You don't have to see him tomorrow. You told him that you had free time on Friday and Saturday, so let him know that Sunday doesn't work for you. You don't have to bend over backwards to accommodate his schedule even if he is going through a family crisis. It would be helpful for you to know a little more of what he's dealing with, so you can be a supportive person for him and also understand why he only has free time on Sundays. I agree that there needs to be flexibility when there are sudden changes in plans, but I also don't like feeling that a person doesn't respect my time and that I'm just supposed to be available when they are. It would help if you let him know that you understand he's going through some family issues and that's why he's had to reschedule, however it makes you feel bad and that you're time isn't being respected. If he's really wants a serious relationship with you then he'll try to work things out. 3
poppyfields Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 15 hours ago, Alana_cl said: This week, he said “let me know if you have any available space this week because I would like to see you” so I said Friday and today he asked me if it was possible to reschedule it for tomorrow…. I just re-read your post and this^ stood out. I agree with @seapebbles, why not simply tell him Sunday doesn't work and schedule another time you're both free? You do not have to be at his beck and call, in fact doing so may be adding to your feelings of disrespect and sadness. We teach people how to treat us. Through our actions. In this case by not always being available on his terms and maintaining a full and happy life on your own, you're "teaching" him to respect your time AND you without a saying a thing or having any sort of 'talk' about it which at this early stage, isn't likely to go over well.
Lisa Posted May 7, 2022 Senior Moderators Posted May 7, 2022 This thread has had a clean up. We ask you to allow other posters to have their views without debating them. 1 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 Stuff happens. It’s called life. idont know enough about his personal situation. If he has kids they are a priority if anything happens with them. Does he have an elderly parent. it’s probably too early to have you get involved in family life stuff going on to include you in. 1
basil67 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 @Alana_cl if this happened to me, I'd ask what happened and if everything is OK. Thing is, if it was a situation which couldn't wait, it's reasonable for him to postpone you and I believe that a bit of understanding would be in order. But if it was something which could have been dealt with over the phone or the next day, you may want to reconsider.
basil67 Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 I'm going to change my previous thoughts. At two months in, I'd expect him to offer up an explanation of what was going on. You didn't mention what was a higher priority than you - is this because you're respecting his privacy or is it because he didn't explain himself?
chillii Posted May 7, 2022 Posted May 7, 2022 lt was only twice and same wk probably the same stuff, family or whatever. He sounded like he was good about it and he must've of gotten much notice himself. See how he goes. 1
Gaeta Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 18 hours ago, Alana_cl said: He has been also dealing with some family issues. His little brother it’s in some kind of mess. Can you relate to what he's going through? I can sense loud and clear you are offended but there is not a hint of concern for him in your story. I'm guessing before his brother's situation you had already built up resentment for something else? 1
poppyfields Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) Alana, if you're still reading, I agree with Gaeta and also as I said in previous post, try to not allow insecurity and past hurts to steer your ship. Which imo it sounds like it is at least on some level. Flexibility and compassion might serve you well here. That said, should this become a regular thing, then revisit the situation. But honestly, becoming so upset to the point you don't want to see him at all, just because he has a family situation to tend to and had to reschedule ONE day later, seems a bit extreme and over the top imo. Edited May 8, 2022 by poppyfields 1
Noproblem Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 He is cancelling for a good reason. Family reason! Anyway, on another note, can't stand bad texters, ruin the whole communications for me.. I guess, give it a 3rd chance, it if occurs again.. Abort! 1
Stret Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 I agree with @poppyfields that we teach people how to treat us. I also remember seeing a video from a relationship coach, who advises to act politely and take time to yourself to answer. Don't be available right away when he reschedules because that way you are living life on his and his family's schedule and if you set those rules now, they will stay as long as you're together. His little brother will always rely on him when he needs support and you will always be the one to wait around and not be a priority. If you want to see if he cares - stress him out. Don't reply to his texts right away - don't even read them right away. When you do reply be polite but tell him you'd let him know when you have time for your next meeting (put the control in your own hands). Then have him wait for a couple of days to hear from you. Then schedule the meeting for the next week. This way you will teach him that your time is valuable, and that if he doesn't priorities your relationship over his little brother's issues, you will start withdrawing. I mean, he could have met with you for a few hours and helped his brother later, I presume? Or what was it precisely that he needed to mess you schedule about? If he is not telling you, that is an issue as well. He owes you that much.
poppyfields Posted May 8, 2022 Posted May 8, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, Stret said: I agree with @poppyfields that we teach people how to treat us. If you want to see if he cares - stress him out. Don't reply to his texts right away - don't even read them right away. When you do reply be polite but tell him you'd let him know when you have time for your next meeting (put the control in your own hands). Then have him wait for a couple of days to hear from you Well, I respect your opinion @Stret but to clarify, it isn't exactly what I had in mind when I quoted the saying "we teach people how to treat us." On its face, it sounds like intentional game playing and manipulation especially given the fact he's already stressed with family issues which is why he had to reschedule the date in the first place. Alana, my $.02 as always, but if you want men to be real and genuine with you (no games), then be real and genuine with them (no games). It's another variation of "we teach people how to treat us" but more positive and without the games. Just be genuinely busy with friends, family, life, there is no reason to intentionally ignore a man's texts because he had to reschedule a date due to a family emergency imho. That is how I choose to live my life anyway, it works well for me and am typically treated quite respectfully and well by men because of it. Remember, caring goes both ways. All the best, hope it works out the way you hope. Edited May 8, 2022 by poppyfields 2
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