Ex-husband Clueless that Daughter is in Mental Hospital

[vla1120]

I was not sure where to post this, but I really need to vent and I have no one to talk to concerning this issue. Long story short, earlier in the year, I had to finally accept that my daughters are estranged from their father. Previously, I tried to intervene and get both sides to contact the other. I stepped back and decided to cut all contact with my ex-husband, as well. Since we both work in the same field, there are occasions where we run into one another. We had not since January, but last night, when he was relieving me, I intended to keep it strictly professional, pass down the necessary information for his shift, and leave. When I was walking out the door, he said "Not so fast. The IRS kept my tax return this year because supposedly we owed back taxes from the year before we divorced." I said, "Yes, I received that letter. You filed your taxes before me, so I guess they took all of your return and some of mine." He said "But those were taxes YOU owed. Not me." I told him "Ah. No. We filed jointly. The debt was both of ours. Considering the fact that I have paid our youngest daughter's health benefits, dental bills, car insurance, etc., for the past 8 years without a single penny from you, I think you got off pretty cheap. PLUS, you will be getting half of my pension in two years. You'll be collecting more per month than that single tax return was worth. If I were you, I'd be quiet and count your blessings." I left while he was still bantering with threats (What could he possibly do? I'm not worried in the slightest!) Meanwhile, he didn't even MENTION his three daughters, as if the measly amount of money is more important than they are. GRRRRR!

Then, I got home and at midnight, I received notification that my middle child was on one of our local suspended bridges and intended to jump and commit suicide. She's battled with her mental illness for years. She does fairly well most of the time on her own, but sometimes she gets triggered and cannot cope very easily. Last night was one of those nights. Her plan to jump from this bridge is the most deadly way she's considered attempting suicide. There've been 5-6 other attempts including running her car into a pole, taking pills, planning to slit her wrists in a bath full of hot water, but she failed at each of those attempts, thank goodness. Jumping from a bridge, however, would have been a definite and final act. There is no coming back from that.  I made her go to the ER and she had a psych eval where they gave her the option of voluntarily committing herself, or she would be involuntarily committed. 

I am not going to contact him or say a word about what has happened. His lack of knowledge of his daughters' lives is on him, not me. I'm infuriated at him for having the audacity to spring that on me, as if he expected me to fold and pay him the money (and in the past, I might have done that - but I am a different person, now.) The more time passes, the more I wonder how the HECK I spent 32 years with his sorry arse.

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

I got home and at midnight, I received notification that my middle child was on one of our local suspended bridges and intended to jump and commit suicide. She's battled with her mental illness for years. She does fairly well most of the time on her own, but sometimes she gets triggered and cannot cope very easily. Last night was one of those nights. Her plan to jump from this bridge is the most deadly way she's considered attempting suicide. There've been 5-6 other attempts including running her car into a pole, taking pills, planning to slit her wrists in a bath full of hot water, but she failed at each of those attempts, thank goodness. Jumping from a bridge, however, would have been a definite and final act. There is no coming back from that.  I made her go to the ER and she had a psych eval where they gave her the option of voluntarily committing herself, or she would be involuntarily committed. 

Sorry this is happening. Take care of yourself and your daughter. How old is she? Does she live at home? Forget your exhusband he does not matter anymore.

[glows]

 Is she deciding to go voluntarily? I'm sorry to hear this. 

Regarding your ex-spouse, it may be in trying so hard all these years to have that link and communication that things have finally caved and reached boiling point. You can't change who he is and I agree: exes are usually a constant reminder of what should be left in the past. 

[vla1120]

Yes. She decided to go voluntarily. 

You are right about the ex. I think I just needed to vent because I was SO angry at his behavior. It used to drive me nuts that he didn't have a relationship with the girls. I've come to terms with that because THEY are okay with it. My oldest said "Mom. I don't want the toxicity in my life and that's all he has to offer." That's when I finally decided to let it go (and have been so much more content since then.)

[Alpacalia]

There must be a lot of disappointment in your heart about your ex-partner.

Stay the course, it sounds like you're a smart and caring mum. Your daughter and your children are in good hands.

Absolutely nothing anyone can do if a parent does not want to have involvement in their child(ren)’s life.

It's unfortunate that this is the case.

Edited May 6, 2022 by Alpacalia

[glows]

8 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Yes. She decided to go voluntarily. 

You are right about the ex. I think I just needed to vent because I was SO angry at his behavior. It used to drive me nuts that he didn't have a relationship with the girls. I've come to terms with that because THEY are okay with it. My oldest said "Mom. I don't want the toxicity in my life and that's all he has to offer." That's when I finally decided to let it go (and have been so much more content since then.)

He will probably continue like this for as long as he's alive, a combination of a sad sense of entitlement and general cluelessness. It'd drive anyone up the wall. 

[vla1120]

On 5/6/2022 at 3:17 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Take care of yourself and your daughter. How old is she? Does she live at home? Forget your exhusband he does not matter anymore.

She is 32 (and has been battling anorexia, depression and anxiety since she was 14). When COVID hit, she moved in with her boyfriend's family and has been there ever since. She does have a bedroom in my house. You're right. My ex does not matter any more. I already know that the reason it bothers me is because my own dad left when I was 3 and we never had a relationship. I didn't want that for my kids, but I realize I cannot change the situation. I'll never understand how a parent can so easily turn their back on their kids, regardless of age. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

She is 32  she moved in with her boyfriend's family and has been there ever since. She does have a bedroom in my house. You're right. My ex does not matter any more.

It's wonderful you have an open door policy with her. Hopefully she'll stabilize a bit more during this hospitalization. Sadly suicidal thoughts and behaviors increase greatly in spring . 

Stop interaction with your ex-husband. Focus soley on yourself and your family. He doesn't matter. Although you feel overwhelmed with having to deal with this on your own, try to enlist the help of extended family and friends.

I'm not sure what support groups are available in particular situation, but check with the hospital. The weight on your shoulders is enormous, so take care of yourself too.

Edited May 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[vla1120]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Stop interaction with your ex-husband.

That's the difficult part. We work at the same weather office (a rare job - neither of us can simply get another job at another location in the same field). The office is manned 24x7 (three 8-hr shifts per day), but we rarely cross paths. On the off chance we do relieve one another, there used to be verbal interactions. However, this time when I knew he was relieving me, I decided to just give a quick pass down like he was any other co-worker and leave. Gathering my articles to leave gave him too much time to address me. Next time, when I know he is relieving me, I will be standing at the door ready to go. I will either write down the pass down and hand it to him as I am walking out - or annotate it in our daily log. Either way, I'll leave no room for a verbal interaction. You also called it on the support group. I am going to start attending a support group that meets twice a month.