juliaw Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 long story short, so I known this guy for less than a year.. and he seems to act normal when he is around a group of other guys (and me), but he becomes a bit shy, embarrassing and talk very softly when he is with me alone. And he also told me about his past like he smoked for many years before but quitted smoking already, and suddenly told me the jobs he had done before, and what he wants to do this year, and sometimes about his family... he told me all these personal things without me asking any... seems quite open up to me one of the strange thing is that he never asked me out or initiated conversation with me (usually I initiate first), but he is the introvert/ type of shy guy so I am not sure.. but he would reply me with many words and could keep talking for a few hours if i text him.. recently he mentioned he wants to go to another country as a short trip in a weekend maybe with his friends, then I asked if I can join with his friends and him, then he said he's sure I would not like his friends so he would go with me alone for the trip and promised me going with me... (actually I like him but don't know what he thinks really) do you think he likes me? or just normal friend?
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 (edited) How do you know each other? Work? School?. He's never asked you out so it seems he's not interested. However it seems you have a crush and would like him to be It's important to date men who are interested in you and asking you out. Chasing uninterested men is an exercise in futility. Edited May 2, 2022 by Wiseman2 1
Author juliaw Posted May 2, 2022 Author Posted May 2, 2022 44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: How do you know each other? Work? School?. He's never asked you out so it seems he's not interested. However it seems you have a crush and would like him to be It's important to date men who are interested in you and asking you out. Chasing uninterested men is an exercise in futility. we are coworker, but i will be changing job soon.. so I guess he thinks its not good to date coworker so never asked me out..? for this job, it is WFH now.. so we dont actually go to office and see everyday, but we had gatherings and went to office for a few times, so we went to office and left together once.. apart from seeing, we talk and chat for at least a few hours everyday recently he said going to a trip with me alone is a bit of out of my expectation and felt like more than friends? as originally i just asked to join with them, but he said he is sure i wont like his friends and go with me only, he can simply go with friends or family but he choose to go with me.. so made me a bit confusing
Wiseman2 Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 2 minutes ago, juliaw said: Recently he said going to a trip with me Has he actually asked you out? Try to date local single available men who are asking you on dates. Stop chatting with him all day.
stillafool Posted May 2, 2022 Posted May 2, 2022 10 hours ago, juliaw said: then I asked if I can join with his friends and him, then he said he's sure I would not like his friends so he would go with me alone for the trip and promised me going with me... ( You can ask him "is this a date?" Since you asked him if you could go he may just be nice, plus his friends may not want you along so he's taking you. 1
Author juliaw Posted May 3, 2022 Author Posted May 3, 2022 On 5/2/2022 at 1:33 PM, stillafool said: You can ask him "is this a date?" Since you asked him if you could go he may just be nice, plus his friends may not want you along so he's taking you. now I'm not sure if I should go to trip with him alone... 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 3, 2022 Posted May 3, 2022 38 minutes ago, juliaw said: now I'm not sure if I should go to trip with him alone... A coffee/drink date is more appropriate. He seems to just want a motel room together.
stillafool Posted May 3, 2022 Posted May 3, 2022 3 hours ago, juliaw said: now I'm not sure if I should go to trip with him alone... Why? I thought you wanted to be with him. 1
glows Posted May 3, 2022 Posted May 3, 2022 So this is a male coworker who has been wfh most of the time that you've known him. He has a case of verbal diarrhea, invites you out to go on a trip with his friends, says you won't like them, asks you to go on the trip with him alone. He is more scrambled than my eggs I had for breakfast. I think you ought to be wary as he seems restless and all over the place. The thought may be there and there's some interest but he's doing it all wrong and it's virtually a stranger, someone employed by the same company but you don't know in person very well. That he also volunteered you may not like his friends says a lot about the company of his choosing. I'm of the mind that birds of a feather generally fly together so he may not be much different from his friends when push comes to shove. No, I would not go on a trip with this guy alone. If you think he's interested in you suggest a coffee instead and a walk. If he backs off considerably and realizes what you're thinking or assuming you have your answer (he's not interested). 1
Author juliaw Posted May 3, 2022 Author Posted May 3, 2022 (edited) 1 hour ago, glows said: So this is a male coworker who has been wfh most of the time that you've known him. He has a case of verbal diarrhea, invites you out to go on a trip with his friends, says you won't like them, asks you to go on the trip with him alone. He is more scrambled than my eggs I had for breakfast. I think you ought to be wary as he seems restless and all over the place. The thought may be there and there's some interest but he's doing it all wrong and it's virtually a stranger, someone employed by the same company but you don't know in person very well. That he also volunteered you may not like his friends says a lot about the company of his choosing. I'm of the mind that birds of a feather generally fly together so he may not be much different from his friends when push comes to shove. No, I would not go on a trip with this guy alone. If you think he's interested in you suggest a coffee instead and a walk. If he backs off considerably and realizes what you're thinking or assuming you have your answer (he's not interested). we have come out and met and got along in person for a few times already.. he is also an honest and simple person, whatever he said was usually the fact and straight forward.. even wfh.. we all have video meeting everyday.. so there is no much difference from seeing in person I think the idea of asking him for a coffee doesn't mean anything, he will simply agree to have a coffee.. but may still treat me as friend only.. is there any other reliable way to test him? Edited May 3, 2022 by juliaw
Wiseman2 Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 10 hours ago, juliaw said: .. is there any other reliable way to test him? He's not asking you out so that's a good indicator. It sounds like you are work friends and that's ok.
glows Posted May 4, 2022 Posted May 4, 2022 16 hours ago, juliaw said: we have come out and met and got along in person for a few times already.. he is also an honest and simple person, whatever he said was usually the fact and straight forward.. even wfh.. we all have video meeting everyday.. so there is no much difference from seeing in person I think the idea of asking him for a coffee doesn't mean anything, he will simply agree to have a coffee.. but may still treat me as friend only.. is there any other reliable way to test him? Going for coffee and keeping it low key is an alternative to going on a trip alone with someone you've only known virtually up until now. He also throws his friends under the bus suggesting that you won't like them. This doesn't make sense as what person keeps friends whom he knows others wouldn't like, especially a partner/potential partner. Honestly, no, he doesn't sound like a simple or honest person or if he is, he doesn't seem to make sound choices when it comes to who he hangs out with. It may be that he never actually does take the initiative to ever ask you out even though he may be interested because he has never made good choices when it comes to friends, relationships etc. That brings me to your question about testing him. I'm not sure why you would want to. You can more or less see what kind of person he is, whether he's shy, lacks initiative or confidence, doesn't have good friends or make friends with people he can call friends and so on. Going for coffee or keeping it low key also buys you more time and lets you see the type of man he is. I think if you're very interested you wouldn't have to "test" someone. You can see from his actions or inactions whether he's interested. If you feel he'll agree to anything you suggest and doesn't take any initiative or seem to show any effort, he and you may not be compatible as a couple, he doesn't see you in a romantic way or he just lacks the social awareness or ability to date.
Author juliaw Posted May 10, 2022 Author Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) On 5/4/2022 at 8:27 AM, Wiseman2 said: He's not asking you out so that's a good indicator. It sounds like you are work friends and that's ok. I have tried asking him for meetup and a coffee, he prefer doing shopping.. so we will meet up next week.. then what does it mean? as you think Edited May 10, 2022 by juliaw
Author juliaw Posted May 10, 2022 Author Posted May 10, 2022 On 5/4/2022 at 2:55 PM, glows said: Going for coffee and keeping it low key is an alternative to going on a trip alone with someone you've only known virtually up until now. He also throws his friends under the bus suggesting that you won't like them. This doesn't make sense as what person keeps friends whom he knows others wouldn't like, especially a partner/potential partner. Honestly, no, he doesn't sound like a simple or honest person or if he is, he doesn't seem to make sound choices when it comes to who he hangs out with. It may be that he never actually does take the initiative to ever ask you out even though he may be interested because he has never made good choices when it comes to friends, relationships etc. That brings me to your question about testing him. I'm not sure why you would want to. You can more or less see what kind of person he is, whether he's shy, lacks initiative or confidence, doesn't have good friends or make friends with people he can call friends and so on. Going for coffee or keeping it low key also buys you more time and lets you see the type of man he is. I think if you're very interested you wouldn't have to "test" someone. You can see from his actions or inactions whether he's interested. If you feel he'll agree to anything you suggest and doesn't take any initiative or seem to show any effort, he and you may not be compatible as a couple, he doesn't see you in a romantic way or he just lacks the social awareness or ability to date. I have tried asking him for meetup and a coffee, he prefer doing shopping.. so we will meet up next week.. then what does it mean? as you think
glows Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 9 minutes ago, juliaw said: I have tried asking him for meetup and a coffee, he prefer doing shopping.. so we will meet up next week.. then what does it mean? as you think He sounds like a friend and it doesn't seem like a date. Did he say what he wanted to go shopping for? 1
Author juliaw Posted May 10, 2022 Author Posted May 10, 2022 9 minutes ago, glows said: He sounds like a friend and it doesn't seem like a date. Did he say what he wanted to go shopping for? he needs to buy clothes.. it's better than saying busy and not coming to meet me, if he not come out, you will say he sees me as friend too you said if he backs off it means he's not interested, and he comes to meet me now
stillafool Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 I agree clothes shopping for him sounds like he's bringing a girl friend along to help him choose clothes. I don't think a potential bf would do that but would want to surprise you by wearing his new clothes. I could be wrong.
Author juliaw Posted May 10, 2022 Author Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) 14 minutes ago, stillafool said: I agree clothes shopping for him sounds like he's bringing a girl friend along to help him choose clothes. I don't think a potential bf would do that but would want to surprise you by wearing his new clothes. I could be wrong. really? the activities mean anything? but we would also go to a trip together afterwards.. what does it mean also? but one thing is, at first I suggested that I come to his area (he lives near suburban area) for a coffee to meetup, then he said he would come to city center (I live in city centre) for shopping.. not sure related or not Edited May 10, 2022 by juliaw
glows Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 I would see how it goes and if you agree to do these things with him, remember that your time matters. You may find the ambiguous nature or questioning constantly what things mean very draining and exhausting in the long run. At that point ask yourself if you'd rather spend your time with someone else or be on your own because this isn't what you're looking for. 1
stillafool Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 39 minutes ago, juliaw said: really? the activities mean anything? but we would also go to a trip together afterwards.. what does it mean also? but one thing is, at first I suggested that I come to his area (he lives near suburban area) for a coffee to meetup, then he said he would come to city center (I live in city centre) for shopping.. not sure related or not I don't understand are you saying City Center is your town that he offered to come to and there's not many places to shop?
Alpacalia Posted May 10, 2022 Posted May 10, 2022 (edited) Myself, I would say no to this trip if I were you. Considering you would voluntarily put yourself in a situation of such uncertainty and ambiguity if you traveled with a man without really knowing what he thought of you. Apart from that, you cannot be sure if he is being truthful with his reasons for not bringing his friends with him. Could it just be to get you into bed? What if you go on this trip and he is not interested in you, if he starts flirting with another woman on that trip? There are way too many ifs. While he seems extremely eager to spend time with both of you alone on this "trip," he doesn't really take the initiative otherwise and hasn't shown any signs of romantic interest or dating you properly. There is nothing wrong with dating men who openly express their romantic interest in you and are open about it. Put your efforts into those. Edited May 10, 2022 by Alpacalia 1
Author juliaw Posted May 15, 2022 Author Posted May 15, 2022 (edited) On 5/10/2022 at 8:03 PM, glows said: I would see how it goes and if you agree to do these things with him, remember that your time matters. You may find the ambiguous nature or questioning constantly what things mean very draining and exhausting in the long run. At that point ask yourself if you'd rather spend your time with someone else or be on your own because this isn't what you're looking for. So a few days ago, we were talking about the day we will meet, he asked if I have anything in particular to buy, I said I usually see things around, and can go to buy his clothes with him, then he said "you can help me pick"... and he said after shopping we can do whatever I like, he suggested some activities, and he said we can go or do anything I like... I suddenly have a feeling that he treat me like a girlfriend? lol.. and we just act like a couple doing all couple-y things... not sure if I overthink... Edited May 15, 2022 by juliaw
glows Posted May 15, 2022 Posted May 15, 2022 1 hour ago, juliaw said: So a few days ago, we were talking about the day we will meet, he asked if I have anything in particular to buy, I said I usually see things around, and can go to buy his clothes with him, then he said "you can help me pick"... and he said after shopping we can do whatever I like, he suggested some activities, and he said we can go or do anything I like... I suddenly have a feeling that he treat me like a girlfriend? lol.. and we just act like a couple doing all couple-y things... not sure if I overthink... It's ok. You're just excited and he's offering to do other things you like so pick something YOU would like to do afterwards. See how it goes and have fun. Don't do anything you're ever uncomfortable with.
Author juliaw Posted June 12, 2022 Author Posted June 12, 2022 On 5/15/2022 at 2:24 AM, glows said: It's ok. You're just excited and he's offering to do other things you like so pick something YOU would like to do afterwards. See how it goes and have fun. Don't do anything you're ever uncomfortable with. so these days I just found out he takes drugs.. I only knew he smoked before but he had quitted smoking last year already, and still always drink alcohol.. I didn't know he do drugs I never asked as i really thought he wouldn't, but he mentioned about it these days, I asked and he said he was a stoner growing up and he smoked weed for long but sometimes a bit of hemp, he even gonna try another thing.. for safety I can't go so detailed here... he said it's cultural in this country (I am not from western country)..so these days I really feel uncomfortable for that.. I don't want him to take really, for the good of his health, and its really totally out of my exception... I even don't know if I should just leave him and move on (I never smoke drink and never touch any drug), or stay and persuade him not to take it but I suppose it wouldn't help..
glows Posted June 12, 2022 Posted June 12, 2022 (edited) 18 minutes ago, juliaw said: so these days I just found out he takes drugs.. I only knew he smoked before but he had quitted smoking last year already, and still always drink alcohol.. I didn't know he do drugs I never asked as i really thought he wouldn't, but he mentioned about it these days, I asked and he said he was a stoner growing up and he smoked weed for long but sometimes a bit of hemp, he even gonna try another thing.. for safety I can't go so detailed here... he said it's cultural in this country (I am not from western country)..so these days I really feel uncomfortable for that.. I don't want him to take really, for the good of his health, and its really totally out of my exception... I even don't know if I should just leave him and move on (I never smoke drink and never touch any drug), or stay and persuade him not to take it but I suppose it wouldn't help.. This is a hard no. Just dump him already. Do not ever persuade a drug user not to take drugs. It’s usually systemic and a problem bigger than what you can fix. Don’t play into the illusion that you can make a difference or waste your life on this. Walk away. Edited June 12, 2022 by glows
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