Much younger sibling getting married before me

[JiltedJane]

I just found out my much younger sister is getting married before me. I am 37 and shes only 27.

I'm upset.

Not because of the age difference or the fact that I am chronically single and only seem to date jerks. Not because of the fact that my dreams of becoming a mother are deteriorating rapidly. This is not stemming from jealousy like many have accused me of.

I'm upset because he is one of the most horrible people I have ever met. My dad hates him, my friends hate him, her friends hate him, all our cousins hate him. He has got her heavy into drugs, he ruins every holiday, wedding, and event she has brought him too. We have to let him steer every conversation because he has trigger words that are always changing and he is hypersensitive. He is constantly demanding apologies and throwing tantrums if the attention is not always 100% on him.  For example last year. he demanded an apology from me because i was having a private conversation with a friend about movies that he had never seen and he thought I was purposely trying to leave him out of the conversation. Last week was my birthday and he demanded the night before that I apologize to him for not being over the top friendly every time he enters the room, He literally told me I was a horrible person for not acting giddy and like a kid on christmas morning whenever i see him. He is constantly body shaming my sister. We rarely see her since she started dating him because everything is about him and what he wants. This is just the tip of the iceberg...I know other things about him and what he has done to her that are way way worse.

I'm upset because I told my parents about the drug use months ago and they accused me of lying simply because I am jealous and trying to ruin the family. My mom is turning a blind eye because she never had a son and is desperate for grandchildren. My sister has a heart defect and should not be doing what she has been doing.

I'm upset because I'm already getting flooded with texts from aunts and uncles making me feel bad and making fun of me for being a spinster. 

I'm upset because I already got a call from my mother screaming at me to not destroy my sisters happiness even though I haven't done or said anything.

I'm upset because I already got a call from my godmother telling me "don't worry! I paid for a matchmaking service for you, but you need to call soon because time is of the essence!!!"

I want to be happy for her, but this guy is a nightmare. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that no one like him.

I can't change or run her life for her, but I need to know how to deal with this kind of situation. I know people who have younger siblings that got married before them, but not this much younger. I need advice on how to deal with all the meancomments from my older family members and things to say back.

Again: trying to be happy for her and letting her live her own life. I need to know how to deal with all the negativity coming my way.

 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

Your sister is a 27 year old ADULT.  She has "free will" and can decide who she wants to marry, etc.  It is not yours or any one else's business.  If you don't like being around the guy, don't go to functions where he will be.  If you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go or just make a quick appearance and leave.  Definitely, refuse to be a bridesmaid, maid of honor, etc.

As far as the comments from your family about being an old spinster, matchmaking services, etc.; tell them you are not amused and to please stop it. 

Personally, I went through something similar (especially at Thanksgiving dinners).  I got tired of the comments, etc.  So I stopped going to family functions (that my sister hosted).  I would make alternative arrangements to see my parents on non-Holidays and take them to dinner before or after a major holiday (like Christmas, Easter, etc.) 

I also started an "Orphan's Thanksgiving" dinner tradition, inviting people to my home that didn't have family local or had no family at all. 

And yes avoid the boyfriend/fiancee' at all costs, the less time you are around him the better.

As a second issue, you'll need to accept the fact that you may not marry and have children.  At 37, that window is starting to close.  Keep in mind that the guys you are dating (age wise) are either at point where they don't want commitment/marriage/children or they are divorced and don't want to repeat that process. (thus you consider them jerks, etc.)  Is it possible to find that older guy unicorn that wants marriage and a family... sure, but the odds are stacked against you.

[stillafool]

My first thought is your sister needs to move as far away as possible after she marries.  27 is not too young to marry but actually the perfect age if she wants a family.  If she's in love with this guy and he's in love with her that is their business.  I agree do not be a bridesmaid or go to the wedding if you hate him.  After they marry make arrangements to get together with your sister without him if she agrees.  Tell your other relatives who ask why you aren't married before her that they are rude and disturbing and never to ask you that again.  

[dramafreezone]

17 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I can't change or run her life for her, but I need to know how to deal with this kind of situation. I know people who have younger siblings that got married before them, but not this much younger. I need advice on how to deal with all the meancomments from my older family members and things to say back.

 

27 is not considered young to be married by any conventional measure.

I think you deal by understanding that adults have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. 

I had an Army seargant that said something that stuck with me, when difficult times come, I can stand in front of you, stand beside you, or stand behind you.  Meaning, I can protect you from pain, I can endure the pain with you, or in some cases I have to allow you to endure the pain and pick up the pieces afterward.

I think this is a situation where you have to stand behind your sister.  You can only offer your support if she needs it.  You cannot protect her or get caught up in her life.

[JiltedJane]

28 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

27 is not considered young to be married by any conventional measure.

I think you deal by understanding that adults have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. 

I had an Army seargant that said something that stuck with me, when difficult times come, I can stand in front of you, stand beside you, or stand behind you.  Meaning, I can protect you from pain, I can endure the pain with you, or in some cases I have to allow you to endure the pain and pick up the pieces afterward.

I think this is a situation where you have to stand behind your sister.  You can only offer your support if she needs it.  You cannot protect her or get caught up in her life.

I can’t believe I had to write that twice and my point still did not come across…

 

I am well aware that she has to live her own life. I am not trying to change this situation. I am asking for advice on how to deal with the mean comments that are coming my way from my parents and various relatives. Preferably from people who dealt with this kind of thing before.

Edited April 23, 2022 by JiltedJane

[dramafreezone]

8 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I can’t believe I had to write that twice and my point still did not come across…

 

I am well aware that she has to live her own life. I am not trying to change this situation. I am asking for advice on how to deal with the mean comments that are coming my way from my parents and various relatives. Preferably from people who dealt with this kind of thing before.

The only thing you can do is remove yourself from the situation if you feel as though they are singling you out.

These are emotionally charged situations and there's nothing that you can say that will make them see things the way that you do.  They have an equal frustration with you that you don't see things the way that they do.

You can be supportive of your sister by just being present and civil.  They know how you feel at this point.  You don't have to continue to engage in these contentious discussions.

Edited April 23, 2022 by dramafreezone

[Wiseman2]

You don't have to be happy for her or find her situation tragic. However you do have to feel better about your own situation in order to not get upset over things you have no choice in..

[stillafool]

19 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

I need advice on how to deal with all the meancomments from my older family members and things to say back.

I would think older people would have more tact and class than to badger a person about their lack of a marriage prospects.  I didn't think people still did that sort of thing in this day and age.  There are lots of people who are foregoing marriage and kids now so it's not that odd at all IMHO.

[Els]

You two are 27 and 37. Why on earth would you go to your parents trying to get them to interfere? She is an adult, as are you. If you have concerns about her fiance, you should have talked to HER.

Yes your parents and relatives are being out of line with their comments to you, but what did you expect? If you act like a 7 year old running to mommy about what your sister did, they'll take the opportunity to treat you like one.

[Weezy1973]

The only mistake you made is the title of this thread. What does her being much younger than you and getting married before you have to do with your concerns?

 

From what you describe, it seems like your whole family dynamic is somewhat dysfunctional, you admit yourself that you only date jerks, and turns out she's marrying a jerk. If you want this pattern to break, you have to control what you can, and that's your own behaviours in your life. You can't control your sister, and you can't control your parents.

[JiltedJane]

4 hours ago, Elswyth said:

You two are 27 and 37. Why on earth would you go to your parents trying to get them to interfere? She is an adult, as are you. If you have concerns about her fiance, you should have talked to HER.

Yes your parents and relatives are being out of line with their comments to you, but what did you expect? If you act like a 7 year old running to mommy about what your sister did, they'll take the opportunity to treat you like one.

I never said 27 was too young to get married or have kids, so I don’t know where people are getting that from….

I did not go running to my parents. I have talked to her multiple times about the situation and she gets extremely enraged immediately to the point of almost being violent. I’m talking about the drug use in particular. She already has a heart defect from birth, and some of what she was using was causing her extreme chest pain and she would pass out. I was never there for any situations, but she would tell me and if I tried to tell her she needs to stop she would completely lose her mind on me.

overall, Her behavior towards me and our parents has been absolutely appalling. They noticed a change in her behavior, and that’s when I said something. Both my friends, her friends, and other family members have tried to talk to her.

again, I’m not trying to change the engagement situation. I’ve said that multiple times in my posts. I am not trying to break them up. I am not trying to cause trouble. I am going to stand by her side and support her for this wedding and any future children that come out of it.

My family is very old-fashioned and they only care about two things 1. Getting married 2. Having as many babies as possible. In the last 24 hours I have gotten so many mean comments from my aunts and uncles calling me names like old maid, spinster, cat lady. My own father even sent me an ad for a cat adoption close by my home!

I actually had to turn my phone off so that I wouldn’t get any more text messages or emails.

yes maybe the title of my post was misleading, but I originally wrote this simply to get advice from other people who have dealt with the situation. And to ask if anyone has any good quips I can throw back at my relatives that are witty yet respectful.

I mean come on guys, read my post. I asked for advice on how to deal with my relatives and instead I get mean insults from the rest of you. I thought this was supposed to be a supportive community

 

Edited April 24, 2022 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

5 hours ago, stillafool said:

I would think older people would have more tact and class than to badger a person about their lack of a marriage prospects.  I didn't think people still did that sort of thing in this day and age.  There are lots of people who are foregoing marriage and kids now so it's not that odd at all IMHO.

You have no idea. There’s times I’ve had relatives pull me to the side to talk to me about my situation out needs to change. The situation being my single status. If you don’t believe me, my mom even tried to get one of my friends involved in a conversation about it.

[JiltedJane]

9 hours ago, stillafool said:

My first thought is your sister needs to move as far away as possible after she marries.  27 is not too young to marry but actually the perfect age if she wants a family.  If she's in love with this guy and he's in love with her that is their business.  I agree do not be a bridesmaid or go to the wedding if you hate him.  After they marry make arrangements to get together with your sister without him if she agrees.  Tell your other relatives who ask why you aren't married before her that they are rude and disturbing and never to ask you that again.  

Why does she have to move as far away as possible? If anything I’m the one  planning to move away

Edited April 24, 2022 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

9 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Your sister is a 27 year old ADULT.  She has "free will" and can decide who she wants to marry, etc.  It is not yours or any one else's business.  If you don't like being around the guy, don't go to functions where he will be.  If you don't want to go to the wedding, don't go or just make a quick appearance and leave.  Definitely, refuse to be a bridesmaid, maid of honor, etc.

As far as the comments from your family about being an old spinster, matchmaking services, etc.; tell them you are not amused and to please stop it. 

Personally, I went through something similar (especially at Thanksgiving dinners).  I got tired of the comments, etc.  So I stopped going to family functions (that my sister hosted).  I would make alternative arrangements to see my parents on non-Holidays and take them to dinner before or after a major holiday (like Christmas, Easter, etc.) 

I also started an "Orphan's Thanksgiving" dinner tradition, inviting people to my home that didn't have family local or had no family at all. 

And yes avoid the boyfriend/fiancee' at all costs, the less time you are around him the better.

As a second issue, you'll need to accept the fact that you may not marry and have children.  At 37, that window is starting to close.  Keep in mind that the guys you are dating (age wise) are either at point where they don't want commitment/marriage/children or they are divorced and don't want to repeat that process. (thus you consider them jerks, etc.)  Is it possible to find that older guy unicorn that wants marriage and a family... sure, but the odds are stacked against you.

 

[ShyViolet]

4 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

but I originally wrote this simply to get advice from other people who have dealt with the situation. And to ask if anyone has any good quips I can throw back at my relatives that are witty yet respectful.

 

Do you honestly think this is the way to deal with it, and that this is going to work?  Throwing back "witty quips" at them is not going to help the situation whatsoever.  You can't "reason" with a bully.  When your relatives are disrespectful and belittling to you, you should respond to the situation the same way you would respond if anyone is treating you badly.  Let them know ONCE that it's not OK and they need to stop.  And if they don't stop, you remove yourself from the situation and distance yourself from them.  Stop talking to them if they can't talk to you with a basic level of respect.

Honestly you need to distance yourself from your toxic family.  There's nothing you can do to change any of this.  People are going to do what they are going to do.  Your family sounds really toxic and chaotic. Don't dwell in all this negativity and let it bring you down.  I would refuse to engage in any of this and just live my own life.

[ShyViolet]

I'm 40, unmarried and don't have children by choice.  I am more than happy with those choices in my life.  If any of my relatives had rude things to say to me about those choices, calling me "spinster" or any other names, they would get exactly ONE warning.  If it continued then I would be more than happy to utilize the BLOCK function on my phone and cut them out of my life.  I have zero tolerance for this kind of thing, I don't care if the person is an acquaintance or a parent.  I had to block my own father for a while because he has a habit of being verbally abusive.  

This only goes on for as long as you allow it.  You really need to stand up for yourself and evaluate how you're letting people treat you.  And that starts with understanding fully that you CANNOT control what other people do.  There are no magical, witty quips or words you can say to outsmart them and make them stop.  You have to be willing to draw the line and distance yourself from them.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, JiltedJane said:

 I’ve had relatives pull me to the side to talk to me about my situation out needs to change. 

Do you live with your parents? Does your family seem over-enmeshed? 

Avoid chitchatting with them about your love life. What, exactly, is their interest in marrying you off?

[JiltedJane]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live with your parents? Does your family seem over-enmeshed? 

Avoid chitchatting with them about your love life. What, exactly, is their interest in marrying you off?

I don’t live with them. I moved out at 18 and never went back. I’m the only one of of 34 cousins to do this. 
I never-ever talk to them about my love life and have rarely brought guys to introduce them. The few times I did everyone immediately put the pressure on me and them to get married. 

 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, JiltedJane said:

I don’t live with them.

Excellent, then try to distance yourself from conversations you don't want.

[glows]

The way I'm understanding this is sadness at the heart of it because you aren't anything like your sister and she ends up with the dream you've always wanted to be married, and are misunderstood in the process with family questioning why you haven't married or found someone yet.

The reality is it isn't when you marry but whether the marriage lasts so while it may be a thorn in your side now that your family treats you in this way or remains oblivious or willfully ignorant of all the issues that this man brings, the marriage also comes with an expiry date and with issues of its own. You can't protect your sister forever so let go of the idea that you need to tell anyone about her issues. It's also not your place.

You also see now that everyone is selfish and looking out for their own self-interests. That should tell you more about yourself and how you want to put boundaries in place regarding certain family members. Traditional families are poor with boundaries. 

If you have aunts or extended relatives for example who behave like your mother, be more discreet about your thoughts and actions, more firm in your boundaries.

They may also not be attacking you or seeking to hurt you. They're nosy and dysfunctional, feeling the need to inquire. It's none of their business but they just can't help themselves because they feel entitled to that knowledge or as if they have a say in it. Life is precious, meant to be lived fully. If only everyone practiced that and lived fully in their own lives and learned to share each others' happiness, there would be less misunderstandings and grief all around. 

When you create better boundaries about yourself you may also practice being more discreet about your personal life and deflecting questions when necessary. The issue is really that pain that you have and longing to find someone who is a good partner to you. That time will come if you can focus only on you and less on the reactions and questions of those around you. Know that nothing they say can influence you in your expectations or thoughts about what a partner means to you. You'll find that person in your own time, not by anyone else's timeline either. 

And another suggestion about children, have you possibly considered freezing your eggs even if to give yourself more time to think and feel like you have a few more options? You may not ever choose to use them but that you have that option may take less pressure off finding a partner now. Of course raising children in your 40s may not be something you want to do even if it's not so unusual.

 

[vla1120]

On 4/22/2022 at 7:32 PM, JiltedJane said:

I need to know how to deal with all the negativity coming my way.

My oldest is 38, never married and used to hear it all the time from "friends" and family (especially her father's family.) She booted those "friends" to the curb because who needs that kind of negativity in their life? Now that she is estranged from her father (and in turn, his family) she doesn't have to hear about it anymore, but when they did comment on these things she realized #1 - self-confident, kind-hearted people do not discuss what they believe to be the "misfortune" of others, #2 - my daughter looked at all of their failing marriages and the misery they complained about on a daily basis and felt much better about her own life and #3 - happy, self-confident people are not swayed by the ignorant comments of those around them. 

Once you are comfortable in your own skin, you will not allow their rude comments to adversely affect you and/or you will cut the toxicity from your life by blocking any contact from them. 

Finally, I understand not being blindly "happy" for your sister if she really is going to marry someone as you described. However, she is an adult and needs to make her own mistakes. The best you can do is let her know you'll be there for her when/if she needs you (if that's what you want to do.)

 

[Alpacalia]

On 4/22/2022 at 4:32 PM, JiltedJane said:

I can't change or run her life for her, but I need to know how to deal with this kind of situation. I know people who have younger siblings that got married before them, but not this much younger. I need advice on how to deal with all the meancomments from my older family members and things to say back.

Yikes.

That's a lot of parental stress to deal with.

My guess is that their jabs at you has more to do with them than it does with you and are trying to compensate for what they believe are their own shortcomings.  There is a tendency for parents to feel proud when their little ones get married and have children, as if this is their achievement. 

It might be time for them to get a life. 

Simply sit back, relax, and quietly watch their arguments, breakups, mental breakdowns.

Edited April 24, 2022 by Alpacalia

[JiltedJane]

9 hours ago, glows said:

 

And another suggestion about children, have you possibly considered freezing your eggs even if to give yourself more time to think and feel like you have a few more options? You may not ever choose to use them but that you have that option may take less pressure off finding a partner now. Of course raising children in your 40s may not be something you want to do even if it's not so unusual.

 

yes i froze my eggs several years ago. Many of the women in my family, including my mother, have had children up to 45 with no issues, complication, or reproductive assistance. I am also open to adoption, egg adoption, sperm donors, etc.

I am also a WHNP and midwife. So although I am well aware that there are complications with being advanced maternal age, people in general have  huge misconceptions about fertility for women over 35+. Again, it can be more complicated, but a lot has to do with genetics and overall lifestyle. Of course I am being realistic and exploring my other options, but the population in general really needs to educate themselves on this matter.

I have women at 48-52 years having babies (not 100% recommending this for everybody, but to each his own).

Edited April 24, 2022 by JiltedJane

[JiltedJane]

10 hours ago, glows said:

The way I'm understanding this is sadness at the heart of it because you aren't anything like your sister and she ends up with the dream you've always wanted to be married, and are misunderstood in the process with family questioning why you haven't married or found someone yet...

As far as the sadness though...there are things that are not just about my dreams slipping away. He has been taking things away from me that I already have/had or made things extremely unpleasant.

Just a few more examples: 1.I have told my sister several times throughout their relationship that I do not want her now fiance involved in my personal life or knowing any of my business. She has told me several times this is not an option because she is going to make us best friends no matter what. When I was going through stuff last year with my ex, she told him every detail, even though I told her not to. He then got drunk at my cousins wedding and told everyone the drama about me and my ex after I told some relatives I wasn't seeing anybody. 

2. At another cousins wedding, he was upset the bride and groom were getting more attention than him so he threw a hissy fit in the middle of the dance floor, started a fight with my sister, and the two of them eventually went outside and had a screaming match out there, where there were still plenty of witness because that is where the bar was.

3. Mutual friends of ours have been keeping her out of things because they don't want him there-thats how bad he is. We used to have friendsgivings, cookie bake offs, girls nights, etc and they have asked me to not tell her. Yes, my sister has tried to bring him to girls nights. It sucks because even though she is younger than us, a lot of my friends watched her grow up and she was like a little sister who naturally grew into the friend group.

4.Our  annual "cousins" vacation to the beach ended up being cancelled this year because he was such a nightmare the last two years and now no one wants to go if he goes. They got fed up with the mood swings, tantrums, excessive drinking,  trying to start a fight with the owner of the hotel and  calling her the c-word when she politely asked him to not drink in the pool (the women was super sweet and super old), trashing the rooms, eatting/drinking everyones food, and having everyone pay his dinners/drinks when we went out. Last year he lost is mind on me when I asked for him to pay his portion of the room stating i mislead him into thinking i was paying for him. My cousins tried to have us "sneak" a vacation without them this year, but I could not do that to my sister. Shes disappointed too that were not going, knows why, but still doesn't understand.

5. Now he has decided that he wants to be friends with all my friends because of how cool they are. Again--none of my friends, both men and women, but especially the men, cannot stand him. There's a group of us that do trivia every week and out of nowhere my sister tells me that her fiance now wants to join in so he can be friends with all them too. My friends have already said if he shows up they will stop going. Not just because of his personality and actions, but because he puts himself on others tabs and wont pay back.

6. As I mentioned in my first post, he has ruined every single family holiday. Traditions we used to have are now void because it is not what his family does or he complains about it the whole time. He has also projectile vomited at every holiday/get together because of his excessive drinking and drug use. 

These are just a few examples.

So yea I am sad, but its mostly because he is sucking the joy out of if not completely obliterating the few things left that I look forward to.

It's sadness and frustration.

Edited April 25, 2022 by JiltedJane

[stillafool]

If your sister is intent on telling your secrets to her fiance/husband you will have to stop confiding in her and get a new best friend.  What else can you do because he isn't going anywhere.

If he starts fights with your sister at weddings and other events that is your sister's problem, not yours.

If your sister brings him to 'girls nights' maybe you guys should stop inviting her.

Why would a 'cousins vacation' be cancelled over someone's boyfriend?  Again, don't invite them.

Why does he even know your friends much less want to be friends with them.  If you don't like him don't introduce him to your friends.

Why your family would let an outsider ruin their family events is beyond me.  He would be barred and so would your sister by now.