Brake up with OW turned semi-GF

[torn_heart]

This is a very long post.

So my first thread was on how I fell for OW while I was on a relationship. I had to finish things with my GF and took things slow with OW, we kept dating,  but not offical GF, I was kinda hurting still and the social ramifications of being seen with another GF too soon after a 9 year relationship were kinda scary.

We kept dating but OW (I will keep naming her, but we were dating) was always kinda distant, we shared very good moments and I always was there in her bad moments but she never was on mine, always busy and took foever to reply my texts. I did a whole of cool things for her, and when we saw each other we always had a good time, very good, the issue was always when we weren't because I always felt her distant. 

So... the fact that she was never in my bad moments (there were 3 instances, because my mother had several skull surgeries) made me think that I had to walk away, but I never found the courage to do it or confront her about it. In a couple of occations she told me that she was distant day to day, because the relationship with the father of her kids was very toxic and they were always controlling on where each one of them was, not curious, it was more a matter of control. I remember, because I was her OM when we stared seeng each other and it was like that. She told me that now she was in the opposite side ery away from her cell. But also, at one time she told me that because how her relationship was with the father of her kids, she always feared to tell me when she went out for lunch with another guy and so, so in those isntance she also diappeared. 

So... Last months were great, I preppared a super date for valentine's, we had an amazing time, and even thoug we weren't official in my head was "but she is with me in valentine's" then in march was her birthday and the same thing, we spent the whole day together with her kids, and it was great and we were planning to go for a trip in my birthday (which was this month). But suddenly a perfect storm in my life came, a crisis at work that made me work on the weekends and sleep very little, another surgery for my mom and I told her that I thought I couldn't go on a trip. Oh, and it was at the same time her ex would come and take the kids for a couple of weeks so she would be absoultley free. I felt that she got mad when I told her that, and when we were the salon (for her birthday I gave her an appointment at the salon for a cool design on her hair) for 5 hours I saw her looking at flight prices, I dismissed it, because at the moment there was a possbility that we could take a couple of days.

Then, a couple of weeks before my birthday was way to stressfull.  One day I was very stressed out, had a very important meeting about the crisis at work, had to get my mother to a Dr appointment to program the surgery and at night I got the news that my comapny was bought. Later that day we spoke and I told her how stressed out I was and she told me I should get a drink and I resented it (I almost don't drink and she is in party mode)

During the weekend she was very distant, at midday on saturday she just told me her ex had arrived and then she disappeared, similar thing on sunday and monday. On tuesday a guy form my team asked ma about a project we had with her and told him to send her an email to ask (I didn't want to mix at that moment). During the day I told her I was sorry I was like that but I was stressed out. On Tuesday I asked her if we still plan to spend my birthday together she told that yes, I told her I was sorry for being so intense those days but I was stressed out with so many things going on, she told me everything was ok, that she was more ditant because of her ex visit and that she was focused on work and that she loved me, I told her I felt bad I wasn't the escape from her ex I'm normally am because  of this and that I knew she got mad we couldn't travel, she told she wasn't mad... so this was a red light. I knew she got mad, and now it wasn't a big deal. I did something I'm very ashamed of, she lives 5 minutes from me and I went to her place and ring the bell, asked for her and the kids nanny told me she wasn't home. In my mind was "ok all weekend she has been distant, she wanted to travel, got mad about it, now she says that she didn't, that there's no problem, and now she isn't at home" at that moment I told the guy from my team "did you send her the email?" he said no, and I told him to do it, he then told me that she was on PTO monday and tuesday based on her OOO. I got veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery mad. I blocked her from everywhere and just sent a text saying "Now I understand, sorry to bother you in your vacations". 

That was on tuesday. On wednesday night she called me from another phone and asked what happened and I told her everything except the part of me ringing the bell at her place. She told me she took the PTO to work on her business, I told her why she never mentioned it, and she told me she didn't have to, that I wasn't her BF, that I never wanted, I told her tha no, that she also told me she wanted to take things slow and that we were sharing everything that ehenevr I had to travel or anything it would be part of our conversation. Then I told her that she could empathize on my situation and she kinda understood, I told her she wasn't there when I needed to speak, that I always was there for her, she told me that she felt everything was fine, that I was too airtight about my things, kinda trying to blame her, and I gave her examples of how was more how she wsnt empathizing. I told her I could work on me being so airtight but told her that only if she could work on her listening, she told me she would. Then we staretd speaking about what was going on with me and at some point she said "you are asking for the minimum of a couple and I don't know if I'm capable of giving it to you" (she has blamed the trauma caused from the relationship with her ex for most of her issues, mostly her being distant) I told her "you are capable, you just don't want to" and I hung up.

Didn't speak for several days, until saturday where she texted me from that phone asking me how I was doing and how my mom was doing. I replied "everything well, my mom is... " and then she asked me if we would see each other for my birthday, and I said that only if she wanted to, she replied "yes, I do :)" . I already had authorized the PTO for my birthday and I had no plans, and I missed her. 

We saw each other next monday (my birthday) and it was like nothing had happened, I didn't touch the subject and she also didn't, we had some conversations where we discussed some things about the future, but I alway fell silent because I felt it was a good bye. We spent all day and night together, we had the best sex ever, and next day she dropped me at my place, I made sure she arrived well at hers and then we texted a little, she told me how epic was the sex we had, and that was it.

Then, several days later she texted me again, how I was and how was my mom, I replied, now not so casual, elaborating much more, and then she told me she was travelling for work, I told her I wished her a good trip and hope she could do some shopping she replied "thanks, I think we will have time today :)" . Next day (monday) I just texted her "hope you were able to do some shopping and had a good hike" and no reply. Haven't texted back and she is still blocked in everything except that new number.

Obviously I would want to be with her, but not without the emotional commitment, I don't know if she asking for my mom is her way of trying or is she just being polite, but we haven't spoken. It helps to have blocked her, that way I don't see her socials. I don't know what to say or do, because I'm not sure how we "broke up" , at first I feel I dumped her, but now I don't know. I have to keep NC or you think she was trying and I have to reach?

What do you think? 

 

 

[stillafool]

It just seems like you guys had a lover's quarrel, got together, had great sex and made up.  She asked about your Mom out of concern and also in the hopes that things go back to the way they were before the argument.  If you love her, unblock and give it another chance.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened . However you are quite lucky because you dodged not one bullet, but two.

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened . However you are quite lucky because you dodged not one bullet, but two.

Why two?

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

It just seems like you guys had a lover's quarrel, got together, had great sex and made up.  She asked about your Mom out of concern and also in the hopes that things go back to the way they were before the argument.  If you love her, unblock and give it another chance.

Kinda feel that but still the last thing we really spoke about the relationship was that she doesn't feel to be capable of giving the bare minimum from a couple.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Why two?

You finally ended things with the live-in GF and now are no contact with GF#2.

Neither of them seems right for you since one was a filler for the other.

Two half-women don't equal one whole woman.

[justbrowsing85]

Does it occurred to you she sees you more as a friend with benefits rather than a boyfriend?  At least that what it reads like to me.  

 

Good luck.

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, justbrowsing85 said:

Does it occurred to you she sees you more as a friend with benefits rather than a boyfriend?  At least that what it reads like to me.  

 

Good luck.

Yes and no, that why I titled it "semi GF" and in a lot of occations we've talked about the future. Living together, being life companions, and that kind of stuff.

[glows]

4 hours ago, torn_heart said:

What do you think? 

My thoughts are she's enjoying your company at a level that makes you feel uncomfortable and you want her to be there for you during times of stress. If she's having issues with her ex it's unlikely she has the emotional space to have you in her life. It's also debatable whether she's that interested in dating you. The sex is good but beyond that this isn't a relationship and she's made that clear. 

If you feel you need someone more involved in your life, she's not the one for you. I'm not sure how much more clearly you want her to speak that or spell it out. She can't give you what you ask for or be there in your time of need. In other words, whether by lack of interest or feeling incapable, she just doesn't want to be present or around for you when you're going through a rough time. 

If I were in your shoes I'd take the time to process this information and take a few steps back. There's a good chance that you're looking to her for comfort and she's not the person for that. I'd find counselling for private or one on one support while dealing with the health/sickness of a loved one or family member. And spend time with friends for camaraderie and friendship. This situation is not that healthy to be around if you're hoping for more.

[torn_heart]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

My thoughts are she's enjoying your company at a level that makes you feel uncomfortable and you want her to be there for you during times of stress. If she's having issues with her ex it's unlikely she has the emotional space to have you in her life. It's also debatable whether she's that interested in dating you. The sex is good but beyond that this isn't a relationship and she's made that clear. 

If you feel you need someone more involved in your life, she's not the one for you. I'm not sure how much more clearly you want her to speak that or spell it out. She can't give you what you ask for or be there in your time of need. In other words, whether by lack of interest or feeling incapable, she just doesn't want to be present or around for you when you're going through a rough time. 

If I were in your shoes I'd take the time to process this information and take a few steps back. There's a good chance that you're looking to her for comfort and she's not the person for that. I'd find counselling for private or one on one support while dealing with the health/sickness of a loved one or family member. And spend time with friends for camaraderie and friendship. This situation is not that healthy to be around if you're hoping for more.

Thanks, that was also my reading until she started reaching me and that's why I kinda felt that maybe she was trying, but I've thought the same thing you have said that's why she is still blocked from social media and I haven't reach her in almost a week. 

Edited April 22, 2022 by torn_heart

[glows]

13 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Thanks, that was also my reading until she started reaching me and that's why I kinda felt that maybe she was trying, but I've thought the same thing you have said that's why she is still blocked from social media and I haven't reach her in almost a week. 

I don't think she's trying anything. She may be trying for intimacy or sometimes people reach out out of loneliness. You have to read between the lines that way and sidestep that if it's not for you or if you're capable of being on your own without that. Her circumstances don't seem to have changed on her end so what could she possibly offer you in terms of a relationship? 

If you're also dodging (using this word loosely here and carefully) your ex or unsure about being seen with a new woman, are you even in a place to be so emotionally involved? I'd take a look at your requirements in a partner and do a check over about your readiness to be in a relationship too. You seem to have a lot on your plate. Like I said private counselling in regards to a sick family member can help a lot. I wouldn't underestimate this especially in times of crisis and grief. It wouldn't be a bad idea either to get things off your chest in regards to work stress or in the sale of your business. If you're tight financially, speak with your advisors and do an overhaul of your finances and budgets. You may find after addressing these areas you don't need her. 

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I don't think she's trying anything. She may be trying for intimacy or sometimes people reach out out of loneliness. You have to read between the lines that way and sidestep that if it's not for you or if you're capable of being on your own without that. Her circumstances don't seem to have changed on her end so what could she possibly offer you in terms of a relationship? 

If you're also dodging (using this word loosely here and carefully) your ex or unsure about being seen with a new woman, are you even in a place to be so emotionally involved? I'd take a look at your requirements in a partner and do a check over about your readiness to be in a relationship too. You seem to have a lot on your plate. Like I said private counselling in regards to a sick family member can help a lot. I wouldn't underestimate this especially in times of crisis and grief. It wouldn't be a bad idea either to get things off your chest in regards to work stress or in the sale of your business. If you're tight financially, speak with your advisors and do an overhaul of your finances and budgets. You may find after addressing these areas you don't need her. 

Thanks. My main issue with her is that I've given her the kind of of support I carve, so what made me way mad (even though I knew it already but haven't had a fallout) is her selfishness of not reciprocating and even lying/hiding about the vacation/PTO thing.

 

About concealing, I started therapy since last year and it helps a lot. 

[stillafool]

How did you gf take the break up and does she know you were seeing the OW and that is why you broke up?

[glows]

11 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Thanks. My main issue with her is that I've given her the kind of of support I carve, so what made me way mad (even though I knew it already but haven't had a fallout) is her selfishness of not reciprocating and even lying/hiding about the vacation/PTO thing.

 

About concealing, I started therapy since last year and it helps a lot. 

Good to hear that counselling is helping.

The original plan that weekend was to go on this vacation you both tentatively had but plans fell through because you couldn't make it. She still had paid time off and took that to herself to do what she needed to do. The vacation plans were called off so in her mind it seems there was no plan to spend time together. You showing up at her place and then using your position at work to find out about her PTO isn't exactly the best move as it seems like you're watching her a bit too heavily and stalking her. You also had someone else send her emails about a project while she had paid time off. This is getting very messy. 

I think it's best to let the dust settle. Leave her alone as much as possible. You're extremely twisted up and missing her so much to the point where you wish you had more of a relationship with her while she sending you smiley texts while away from work and isn't bothered in the least that you were checking up on her that weekend where vacation plans didn't work out. It doesn't seem she cares at all about what's going on with you so long as she can go about her life, work and have the occasional sex now and then. If that's what you're up for then continue on but I think you will hurt yourself more because you're both not on the same page.

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Good to hear that counselling is helping.

The original plan that weekend was to go on this vacation you both tentatively had but plans fell through because you couldn't make it. She still had paid time off and took that to herself to do what she needed to do. The vacation plans were called off so in her mind it seems there was no plan to spend time together. You showing up at her place and then using your position at work to find out about her PTO isn't exactly the best move as it seems like you're watching her a bit too heavily and stalking her. You also had someone else send her emails about a project while she had paid time off. This is getting very messy. 

I think it's best to let the dust settle. Leave her alone as much as possible. You're extremely twisted up and missing her so much to the point where you wish you had more of a relationship with her while she sending you smiley texts while away from work and isn't bothered in the least that you were checking up on her that weekend where vacation plans didn't work out. It doesn't seem she cares at all about what's going on with you so long as she can go about her life, work and have the occasional sex now and then. If that's what you're up for then continue on but I think you will hurt yourself more because you're both not on the same page.

No, the a vacation plans were the following weekend (for my birthday). And yes, I'm not proud of me ringing at her place, but the email was a natural thing that wasn't my idea, just followed it because of my gut. 

And I have to say again, after I blocked her I have only reach her once (to the new phone she got to talk to me, because she was blocked), she was the one that wanted to meet for my birthday and texted me several times (that's why I was wondering if she was trying) 

[torn_heart]

7 minutes ago, stillafool said:

How did you gf take the break up and does she know you were seeing the OW and that is why you broke up?

No, she doesn't know about OW, that's one of the reasons  I didn't want her to meet my family or friends just yet.

GF took it pretty bad, it was a long relationship, but she saw it coming, because we had discussed out future several times last year. At least when I did it she had already started at her new job  (if you read my other thread the guilt wouldn't let.me leave her in such a bad position). OW wasn't the desease it was the symptom. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, torn_heart said:

No, she doesn't know about OW, that's one of the reasons  I didn't want her to meet my family or friends just yet.

GF took it pretty bad, it was a long relationship, but she saw it coming, because we had discussed out future several times last year. At least when I did it she had already started at her new job  (if you read my other thread the guilt wouldn't let.me leave her in such a bad position). OW wasn't the desease it was the symptom. 

I see.  So you are broken up with your gf now? I didn't read your other thread.

Edited April 23, 2022 by stillafool

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I see.  So you are broken up with your gf now? I didn't read your other thread.

Yes, I didn't update when it happened, but I'm broken up with my GF now. 

[torn_heart]

Woke up with a lot of pain. It's been one week since she last reach me through sms. Still not sure if my birthday and her asking for my mom was her trying to fix things or not and if it was I maybe I should reach her.

[spiritedaway2003]

Hi there, you are making progress.  Ending one relationship when it wasn't for you, because you have feelings for another.  And now you're in the second relationship and whether it works out or not depends how well you both can communicate with each other.   Let it see if it survives on its own merits, although it seems that there are other unhealthy dynamics in play aside from how it started. 

One observation to note and take it for what you will - I think that you assess your relationship in a very transactional kind of way.  For example: I'm there for her in this and this specific instances, but is she there for me in this and this instances?  If she isn't or if she isn't asking about my mom, then this indicates that she doesn't care about me or isn't as invested as me.  That may not be able the best way to be in a relationship -- remember that you can't read her mind nor can she read yours. So if you blocked her everywhere but in reality, you actually really wanted her to reach out, how might blocking her help?  And if you want to reach out, why don't you reach out if you're not officially broken up?    Determine if this is a healthy relationship and if it's one you want to be in.

I also don't personally get the idea of blocking.  If a relationship isn't working out, then let it end. There's no need to block unless you think you can't resist the  temptations to reach out.  Even when my f(MM) ended things and went NC, both of us kept our words and did not contact one another in any way.  I have never had block anyone in my life, friends or otherwise.

Communicate, communicate, communicate what's bothering you.  Remember, neither of you are mind readers and it's always a shame when a relationship ends if it could otherwise be salvaged with communication.   Over time, your compatibility levels will determine if your relationship has a chance or if it won't lasts.

Edited April 25, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Hi there, you are making progress.  Ending one relationship when it wasn't for you, because you have feelings for another.  And now you're in the second relationship and whether it works out or not depends how well you both can communicate with each other.   Let it see if it survives on its own merits, although it seems that there are other unhealthy dynamics in play aside from how it started. 

One observation to note and take it for what you will - I think that you assess your relationship in a very transactional kind of way.  For example: I'm there for her in this and this specific instances, but is she there for me in this and this instances?  If she isn't or if she isn't asking about my mom, then this indicates that she doesn't care about me or isn't as invested as me.  That may not be able the best way to be in a relationship -- remember that you can't read her mind nor can she read yours. So if you blocked her everywhere but in reality, you actually really wanted her to reach out, how might blocking her help?  And if you want to reach out, why don't you reach out if you're not officially broken up?    Determine if this is a healthy relationship and if it's one you want to be in.

I also don't personally get the idea of blocking.  If a relationship isn't working out, then let it end. There's no need to block unless you think you can't resist the  temptations to reach out.  Even when my f(MM) ended things and went NC, both of us kept our words and did not contact one another in any way.  I have never had block anyone in my life, friends or otherwise.

Communicate, communicate, communicate what's bothering you.  Remember, neither of you are mind readers and it's always a shame when a relationship ends if it could otherwise be salvaged with communication.   Over time, your compatibility levels will determine if your relationship has a chance or if it won't lasts.

You are right in all counts. I don't know how I'll fix this. 

Just a note about the blocking:

Me blocking her from Facebook and Instagram it's more for me, I don't like to look at them, I know I could just not do it, but I always do, and blocking her gives me peace, It happened with another ex, blovking her gave me a lot of peace, and that ex has been blocked for more than 10 years. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, torn_heart said:

, and blocking her gives me peace, 

Absolutely. Deleting and blocking is to move forward in peace without background noise from an ex.

[gwennylou]

You should be completely single until you finish your counseling and therapy. The OW is a narcissist and toxic and continues to be so despite the times she's "kind". She's playing you and using you.  Keep her blocked and keep doing the work.  The main thing I will commend you on is that you broke up with your GF, because the way you were treating her was horrendous and she didn't deserve any of that. You are nowhere near ready to be in a long term relationship considering how poorly you acted in regards to your girlfriend and continuously cheating on her without thought for her safety or feelings. Until you completely unpack why you thought that was appropriate behavior after a NINE year relationship, you'll continue to attract terrible women who take advantage of your low self esteem and issues. 

[torn_heart]

25 minutes ago, gwennylou said:

You should be completely single until you finish your counseling and therapy. The OW is a narcissist and toxic and continues to be so despite the times she's "kind". She's playing you and using you.  Keep her blocked and keep doing the work.  The main thing I will commend you on is that you broke up with your GF, because the way you were treating her was horrendous and she didn't deserve any of that. You are nowhere near ready to be in a long term relationship considering how poorly you acted in regards to your girlfriend and continuously cheating on her without thought for her safety or feelings. Until you completely unpack why you thought that was appropriate behavior after a NINE year relationship, you'll continue to attract terrible women who take advantage of your low self esteem and issues. 

Thanks for the comment. 

I've reflected and made work on what happened with my ex-GF, I know why I did what I did and I have made peace with it. I've been one year in therapy already. My therapist always adviced me against entering a relationship with OW, but you know how we think we can work with some things. 

I do have an issue being attracted to women with toxic/narcissistic tendencies with my ex-GF being the exception, but it was on the opposite side of the spectrum and that's why I was so attracted to OW. White knight syndrome, and I'm over empathic, which is like a magnet to that kind of women.

 

[torn_heart]

The more I think about it the more I'm convinced (or maybe my unconscious wants to be convinced) that sh was seeing someone else:

1) On valentine's she got another set of roses, when I saw them I told her "they are pretty" and she told me her sister nrought them to her apartment, because was leaving the city and so the roses didn't went to trash so fast. The day after, she told me "I hate that you are too observant, I feel attacked" I told her I wasn't attacking, that even if I was jelous I wouldn't say anything, because we weren't officialy an item, but that we can tell each other everything. She told me that she was sorry, that the relationship with her ex was always about that type of drama and jealousy.

2) On her birthday she sent me a video of her kids playing with some toys I gave them and saw another set of flowers at her house (didn't say anything, because of the previous scene)

3) The issue at the salon I posted, that I saw her looking at flight rates, and then hid the cell phone (didn't say anything)

4) Finally, I know what I did the day I got mad wasn't cool, but I still think she went on vacation, she wasn't at her place even though she said she was focused on work and was more distant than she normally is.

There are couple things I hate about this relationship. This thing of me being too observant, and airtight it's she trying to blame me for stuff, when being observant is a virtue, nothing wrong and I know when I shouldn't point things, the fact that she felt attacked was her problem. Blaming me for being airtight is a way to blame me for her lack of empathy, I have other friends I tell my problems and they can empathize with me, so it doesn't look like I'm the one with an issue. 

I just have to deal with the fact that she isn't as much into me as I was into her and that she was seeing another person during the last weeks. As Wiseman says, I dodged a bullet, and I kinda feel proud I was able to dodge it before she finished it.

Sadly, I love and miss her. Now more than one week of NC. And haven't unblocked her from socials and whatsapp, she can just call me or text me.