Stressed in a relationship

[Holly566]

I’ve been in a relationship since autumn of last year (we began texting and meeting in the summer and met on an online dating app) and ever since then I have found I am feeling more stressed than I usually do. I’m not sure wether it’s related to the relationship, I mean it’s my first ever relationship for starters and we are long distance (an hour in the car). I also have other things that I’m worrying about in life in general, I have a big exam coming up and have been looking for jobs/ figuring out my career which has been stressing me out the most (Which he’s been very kind and supportive of). I honestly think it could be a bit of both but I’m worried that maybe the relationship is getting in the way or maybe I shouldn’t be in it? I think maybe I should talk to him and say everything I’m feeling, but I guess it doesn’t change anything because he wants to be with me. I don’t want a break up to be the answer just yet because it might be that I need more space and time to calm my stress down. And the more I think about it, the more stressed I get! This is all affecting my sleep and concentration throughout the night and day.
 

Has anyone got any advice on this or has anyone felt the same way at any point? I can’t figure out wether it’s just a normal thing or wether I’m perhaps with the wrong person- because I’ve read mixed things on the internet when looking for advice. Please help!

[salparadise]

You didn't mention any issues in the relationship, so my guess is that ending it is not the answer... and in fact may be counterproductive. If you car about him and have a good time with him, and if there aren't any issues between the two of you, then I think it's probably all the other stuff that is the source of stress. Do you practice yoga or meditation? If not then consider taking those up and see if it helps. Also, try not to think about everything at once. Concentrate on one thing at a time. Once you make some decisions on the life goals I bet it will be a relief.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lucy090 said:

but I’m worried that maybe the relationship is getting in the way or maybe I shouldn’t be in it?

Can you elaborate more on this?

Do you feel you don't have enough time for yourself or your studies? 

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Can you elaborate more on this?

Do you feel you don't have enough time for yourself or your studies? 

I guess yeah, I work most days and have a long commute, and then when I get home, I feel like I’m always needing to text or ring him or I’m sat worrying about the relationship in some way. It just takes me away from what I need to focus on (which is myself and my studies and my goals) I think. Even back before I knew him when I was doing my university work during a pandemic I was less stressed than this! 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lucy090 said:

 I also have other things that I’m worrying about in life in general, I have a big exam coming up and have been looking for jobs/ figuring out my career which has been stressing me out the most (Which he’s been very kind and supportive of). I honestly think it could be a bit of both but I’m worried that maybe the relationship is getting in the way or maybe I shouldn’t be in it?

How stressed were you before the relationship?

[Holly566]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

How stressed were you before the relationship?

A lot less, but then more has come up in my life I guess. I’m more ‘on my own’ now because I’ve finished uni so it could just be that, but then the thoughts of the relationship are coming up and making it worse - if that makes any sense? 😂

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

I guess yeah, I work most days and have a long commute, and then when I get home, I feel like I’m always needing to text or ring him or I’m sat worrying about the relationship in some way. 

And where is this coming from? Does he expect you to, and get upset if you don't?

In your heart of hearts, do you get the sense that he's more invested than you are? 

Edited April 2, 2022 by ExpatInItaly

[SingFish]

3 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

It just takes me away from what I need to focus on (which is myself and my studies and my goals) I think.

Are you focusing on him as a distraction from the real source of stress or do you just feel like there's too much going on right now?

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, SingFish said:

Are you focusing on him as a distraction from the real source of stress or do you just feel like there's too much going on right now?

I just think there’s too much going on right now, too much on my mind and being with him is adding to it (there’s no issues in the relationship so far) 

[Holly566]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And where is this coming from? Does he expect you to, and get upset if you don't?

In your heart of hearts, do you get the sense that he's more invested than you are? 

No he said I can message when I want and won’t think anything of it if I take a while or anything but I just naturally like to keep in communication with people I’m close to I suppose. I don’t really want to go days without even asking him how he is

Yeah I do think so actually

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

I just naturally like to keep in communication with people I’m close to I suppose. I don’t really want to go days without even asking him how he is

Well, no, that would be highly unusual in a relationship. Did someone suggest that this was a good idea? 

[SingFish]

17 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

I just think there’s too much going on right now, too much on my mind and being with him is adding to it (there’s no issues in the relationship so far) 

I must admit, one of the things I like about being single is I can focus on myself better. I tend to get overwhelmed if there's too much going on. Maybe you can create little pockets of 'me down time'?

[Holly566]

31 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, no, that would be highly unusual in a relationship. Did someone suggest that this was a good idea? 

No. I don’t know what to do really, maybe manage my time better

[Holly566]

24 minutes ago, SingFish said:

I must admit, one of the things I like about being single is I can focus on myself better. I tend to get overwhelmed if there's too much going on. Maybe you can create little pockets of 'me down time'?

I suppose I could. I have been trying to but there’s still that added pressure to be present in his life too

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

there’s still that added pressure to be present in his life too

This is what's still unclear to me. Is he pressuring you? Or are your pressuring yourself and finding you're not as into him as you feel you should be? 

[Holly566]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is what's still unclear to me. Is he pressuring you? Or are your pressuring yourself and finding you're not as into him as you feel you should be? 

He’s not pressuring me. I think I may be pressuring myself to show up. Like I shouldn’t be stressed, I should be happy

[SingFish]

7 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

He’s not pressuring me. I think I may be pressuring myself to show up. Like I shouldn’t be stressed, I should be happy

Maybe you're overthinking it and just drained from all the study and work and stuff?

[salparadise]

2 minutes ago, lucy090 said:

He’s not pressuring me. I think I may be pressuring myself to show up. Like I shouldn’t be stressed, I should be happy

You surely aren't expressing any enthusiasm for him or the relationship. In reading your responses I get the impression that you're just coasting along and feeling like you'd be just as well off without a relationship (not having the burden of communicating, etc.). If this is indeed the case then I'd advise ending it... not so much due to stress as just not having any good reasons to continue. Also, it's not really fair to your boyfriend if you're not enthusiastic. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a relationship where my partner felt as though she could do a coin toss to decide whether it was worth having. I think you might benefit from therapy to help you sort your stuff out.

[Holly566]

9 minutes ago, SingFish said:

Maybe you're overthinking it and just drained from all the study and work and stuff?

I think so, it’s all a bit much at the moment

[SingFish]

11 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I think you might benefit from therapy to help you sort your stuff out.

Most people would I think. Life's hard. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes.

Did you start feeling this way around mid-terms?

That can certainly exasperate things.

I know I slept mostly through my spring break.

Maybe it's just a matter of learning to try to manage your time better.

 

 

Edited April 2, 2022 by Alpaca

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lucy090 said:

He’s not pressuring me. I think I may be pressuring myself to show up. Like I shouldn’t be stressed, I should be happy

Are you compatible? Is the hour a problem? Are you anxious because it's your first relationship or you are not ready for intimacy?

What, exactly, stresses you out about it apart from your other life stresses?

If it's bothering you, it's ok to tell him there's too much going on in your life.

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you compatible? Is the hour a problem? Are you anxious because it's your first relationship or you are not ready for intimacy?

What, exactly, stresses you out about it apart from your other life stresses?

If it's bothering you, it's ok to tell him there's too much going on in your life.

Yes we are. I think I’m just anxious because he lives so far away, we don’t see each other too often. He is moving closer though because of a new job so that might help. I can’t really explain it, but obviously it’s harder to properly get close to someone and trust them when they live far away. He always makes an effort to see me when he can or makes time.

Recent things that came up were that it seems like we want to live in different places in the future and that he eats unhealthily a lot. That just bothers me because I’m the opposite of that, I value health and good wellbeing etc. I don’t want to be with someone who sits around eating takeaways and stuff. I cannot sit here and change him though and I know that no partner will ever be perfect. I guess I’m just learning to live with the fact he’s quite immature and has some different opinions (we’re mostly the same though to be fair), and for the most part he’s like everything I want in a partner- it’s just those things. We’re also from completely opposite social backgrounds so that might be part of it. Overall, I am happy that he’s so loving and kind and we have the same interests etc. But a part of me is just anxious that things won’t work out..

[basil67]

To be fair, an hour's drive isn't really that long.  I'd manage this by taking turns with a weeknight sleepover and spending the weekend together.   And it's perfectly OK to take time out for study if you're spending a weekend together.  Is this an option for you? 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, lucy090 said:

 That just bothers me. I don’t want to be with someone who . he’s quite immature . We’re also from completely opposite social backgrounds so that might be part of it. 

You're not compatible. Don't try to force things to work with men you don't even seem to like or respect. Just tell him you've got too much going on and don't have time to date.