'New life'

[Jane1230]

I'm going through a very painful breakup at the moment so I was wondering if there were any people with the same story (or maybe you heard of any) 

When a person after long term relationship (11 years in my case) breaks up because they want to "find themselves", " work on themselves " and "strat a new life" is there any chance to get the second chance? No cheating, abuse or whatever toxicity was involved

Thank you

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. What was the reason for the breakup?

How old is he? Do you live together? Is there someone else?

Step away from "confused", "stressed",  "busy",  etc. people. 

Break-ups hurt but you'll be ok.

 

[Jane1230]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What was the reason for the breakup?

How old is he? Do you live together? Is there someone else?

Step away from "confused", "stressed",  "busy",  etc. people. 

Break-ups hurt but you'll be ok.

 

Thank you. I think we talked on ENA a month ago haha (judging by your user pic) 

Reason - poor mental health, not know who they are. Age - 26 . Yes, we lived together for almost 10 years. No, there's no anyone else whatsoever, I'm 99.9% sure

[glows]

6 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

I'm going through a very painful breakup at the moment so I was wondering if there were any people with the same story (or maybe you heard of any) 

When a person after long term relationship (11 years in my case) breaks up because they want to "find themselves", " work on themselves " and "strat a new life" is there any chance to get the second chance? No cheating, abuse or whatever toxicity was involved

Thank you

That depends on the couple. It’s not impossible but neither a thing or idea that you ought to be hanging onto. A comment like that suggests that the other person has lost him/herself and lost identity or is changing. My belief is that if the relationship is strong and you are compatible there is no reason for a break up. 

I’d also consider whether that person is letting you down easy and is just not interested in a future with you at all. Do not hang on. Let the break up dust settle and be in tune with yourself. Let go. Once you do you may not look back so don’t tie yourself down, limit yourself or hold yourself back from living fully and moving on.

[BrinnM]

6 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

is there any chance to get the second chance?

Could be. But is it advisable to wish for that?

Being broken up with is very painful. Therefore, I always tell people who are confronted with this to try to look at the circumstances from the outside in. Try being the operative word, because it’s not easy when you are trapped in that circle of pain that surrounds you day in and day out. 
But what happened is: He broke up because he didn’t want to be there anymore. You have to accept this one-sided decision. The reasons he gave may or may not be the real reasons. He could very well be interested in somebody else. People do that all the time. It’s called monkeybranching. 
 

And whether or not he comes back to you later is nothing you can influence. All you can do is focus on yourself. He hurt you, he disappointed you, he let you down. If he returns later, don’t forget that. He could do it again.

Edited March 25, 2022 by BrinnM

[stillafool]

I think if that person has been with you since the age of 16 you guys were each others first loves.  First loves rarely last into marriage because people want and need to experience other people, start their careers and live life before they settle into marriage.  I know it's painful saying goodbye and breaking up from a first love is hard to process but you will be okay.  Don't spend your time trying to get him back or you will feel more pain than you do now.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

He could very well be interested in somebody else. People do that all the time. It’s called monkeybranching. 

This unfortunately is true.  Guys rarely give up a girl who is providing sex without having another one lined up.

[BrinnM]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

been with you since the age of 16

That compounds the situation for sure. 16! You weren’t even out of high school. An 11-year long relationship is not supposed to last if it was started in your teenage years, not nowadays anyway. You would always wonder what you may have missed. If not now, you would ask yourself this Q 5, 10, or 15 years from now. 

[introverted1]

6 hours ago, Jane1230 said:

Reason - poor mental health, not know who they are. Age - 26 . Yes, we lived together for almost 10 years. No, there's no anyone else whatsoever, I'm 99.9% sure

So you got together at 15-16?  If so, this is just a natural progression  Many changes happen within us during the decade from 15-25. Although painful, it is reasonable that your partner wants to move on.

[Jane1230]

Thank you everyone for your responses. 

Yes, we were first loves of each other, we were engaged for 2 years, planning to move overseas together, but it all happened a month before the potential date of moving. They were stressed because of everything and had some visible mental issues 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Jane1230 said:

it all happened a month before the potential date of moving

Sounds like he didn't think it was a realistic or desirable plan.

[Jane1230]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like he didn't think it was a realistic or desirable plan.

After the break up when they reached out with letter he said "I couldn't go overseas in my current state no matter how hard I wanted to"

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jane1230 said:

After the break up when they reached out with letter he said "I couldn't go overseas in my current state no matter how hard I wanted to"

Exactly. He did not want to go and whatever mental health issues he has was the exit ramp he used.

[glows]

26 minutes ago, Jane1230 said:

Thank you everyone for your responses. 

Yes, we were first loves of each other, we were engaged for 2 years, planning to move overseas together, but it all happened a month before the potential date of moving. They were stressed because of everything and had some visible mental issues 

What was the stress about? 

[Jane1230]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

What was the stress about? 

Work, family issues, health (mostly mental and partly physical), moving overseas, our relationship - I was voicing my needs they couldn't fulfill because of constant exhaustion and depression and they felt extremely guilty about it... I told more than once that if we have plans and we have to cancel it or postpone it is fine and I'm okay with it, but it must be articulated because I'm not a mind reader and it's hard to guess what other person wants unless it's said. Additionally they once told me "you're with me only because there aren't any other options. I'm so miserable" and "I'm always tired, I don't even remember time when I wasn't"

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Jane1230 said:

Work, family issues, health (mostly mental and partly physical), moving overseas, our relationship - I was voicing my needs they couldn't fulfill because of constant exhaustion and depression and they felt extremely guilty about it... I told more than once that if we have plans and we have to cancel it or postpone it is fine and I'm okay with it, but it must be articulated because I'm not a mind reader and it's hard to guess what other person wants unless it's said. Additionally they once told me "you're with me only because there aren't any other options. I'm so miserable" and "I'm always tired, I don't even remember time when I wasn't"

Do you feel like you are exhausted and depressed? If so are you getting help for this? 

How far overseas are we talking? Is this Dubai to Switzerland or Hong Kong to US or ? What’s the family situation that’s causing the stress? I’m asking to get an idea of why the other person opted out aside from frustration with your exhaustion or depression. You say there’s no toxicity but untreated health issues lead to dysfunctional relationships in the long run.

Communication is important but mental health issues like depression or other disorders will severely impact how people communicate too. If neither of you were well also then why go overseas? Why not enjoy and life where you are? 

[Jane1230]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Do you feel like you are exhausted and depressed? If so are you getting help for this? 

How far overseas are we talking? Is this Dubai to Switzerland or Hong Kong to US or ? What’s the family situation that’s causing the stress? I’m asking to get an idea of why the other person opted out aside from frustration with your exhaustion or depression. You say there’s no toxicity but untreated health issues lead to dysfunctional relationships in the long run.

Communication is important but mental health issues like depression or other disorders will severely impact how people communicate too. If neither of you were well also then why go overseas? Why not enjoy and life where you are? 

Nono, probably I wrote it in a confusing way, but THEY were exhausted and depressed. I was tired because o worked 2 jobs and was finishing my postgrad, but more or less I was fine. 

We live in eastern Europe in a country where same-sex relationship aren't appreciated much (we are both females) so we decided to change our location to western Europe to go to the university. I was accepted in majority of universities I applied to, they weren't and it was quite frustrating for me, but fine, we had one match so decided to stick to it. About their family - well, they have never had a good microclimate in it and moving somewhere it's a big investment of money so my ex tried to talk to their parents about some financial support but all these conversations went with conflicts

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Jane1230 said:

Nono, probably I wrote it in a confusing way, but THEY were exhausted and depressed. I was tired because o worked 2 jobs and was finishing my postgrad, but more or less I was fine. 

We live in eastern Europe in a country where same-sex relationship aren't appreciated much (we are both females) so we decided to change our location to western Europe to go to the university. I was accepted in majority of universities I applied to, they weren't and it was quite frustrating for me, but fine, we had one match so decided to stick to it. About their family - well, they have never had a good microclimate in it and moving somewhere it's a big investment of money so my ex tried to talk to their parents about some financial support but all these conversations went with conflicts

Thanks for clarifying the context and details. It’s painful not being accepted due to sexuality or sexual preference so I empathize. No one is going to judge you here for that. The majority of members on the forum are in the US, Canada, Australia or UK. 

Is there a reason why your ex didn’t get into those universities aside from grades? It seems like you both are on different paths and being around you may be frustrating for her as she doesn’t have the same financial backing as you or support that you have from your family. 

[Jane1230]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Thanks for clarifying the context and details. It’s painful not being accepted due to sexuality or sexual preference so I empathize. No one is going to judge you here for that. The majority of members on the forum are in the US, Canada, Australia or UK. 

Is there a reason why your ex didn’t get into those universities aside from grades? It seems like you both are on different paths and being around you may be frustrating for her as she doesn’t have the same financial backing as you or support that you have from your family. 

Thank you for the accordance. 

No, only grades. Speaking of financial situation - I offered my help because, well, after more than 10 years it is a bare minimum I could offer, but they refused because just didn't want to take my money (significant amount). Additionally there were some issues with their identity. I was quite supportive and I told directly that I'd accept them no matter which general they are and even if they wanted to go through some transition (or minor surgeries) I'd be fine and support their decision. I have a guess that my ex really could lose themselves + mental health issues didn't help it. They dumped not only me when it happened, but all the friends, job, all their stuff in our apartment, everything. They literally disappeared

[glows]

That’s very generous of you. Can’t they meet up with you later on or graduate from a local university and reconnect later as friends? Don’t let this hold you back.

You may cross paths again in the future but at the moment you have your studies so focus on that. Be the best at whatever you want to be and old friendships will resurface later down the line. I was in a similar position as you many years ago, one of my first relationships and we had lived together. Don’t let this hold you back from the rest of your plans abroad. 

 

[Jane1230]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s very generous of you. Can’t they meet up with you later on or graduate from a local university and reconnect later as friends? Don’t let this hold you back.

You may cross paths again in the future but at the moment you have your studies so focus on that. Be the best at whatever you want to be and old friendships will resurface later down the line. I was in a similar position as you many years ago, one of my first relationships and we had lived together. Don’t let this hold you back from the rest of your plans abroad. 

 

Thank you so much! Yes, I do have a lot of things to do and to think about at the moment so after I went through a severe depression I just kinda decided that enough is enough and got myself together. It was difficult, but I have friends, work, family, studies and a lot of things around me so probably I can say that I'm moving on but not in a romantic way. I always was in a relationship, I didn't even know how single life looks like so whatever outcome will be now I'm trying to focus on myself and just let it be for a while. It all happened in the end of summer, they reached out 2 weeks after the breakup and after 2 painful months of exchanging e-mails (I didn't plead, didn't beg) and in the end them refusing to try again I initiated NC and just stopped writing anything at all. It's been 5 months of NC and it helped me a lot. Don't really know what's happening in their life but probably I don't even want to. If I reach out after a while or they do I think they'll tell me what I should know. What it all started I didn't even know what NC is and that some people use it to get someone back. I did it exclusively to have a distance from the situation which was hurting me so bad

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jane1230 said:

Thank you so much! Yes, I do have a lot of things to do and to think about at the moment so after I went through a severe depression I just kinda decided that enough is enough and got myself together. It was difficult, but I have friends, work, family, studies and a lot of things around me so probably I can say that I'm moving on but not in a romantic way. I always was in a relationship, I didn't even know how single life looks like so whatever outcome will be now I'm trying to focus on myself and just let it be for a while. It all happened in the end of summer, they reached out 2 weeks after the breakup and after 2 painful months of exchanging e-mails (I didn't plead, didn't beg) and in the end them refusing to try again I initiated NC and just stopped writing anything at all. It's been 5 months of NC and it helped me a lot. Don't really know what's happening in their life but probably I don't even want to. If I reach out after a while or they do I think they'll tell me what I should know. What it all started I didn't even know what NC is and that some people use it to get someone back. I did it exclusively to have a distance from the situation which was hurting me so bad

That’s the correct way to use it, not to manipulate anyone with get your ex back tricks. There’s no reason to keep in contact or check on one another. Have that respect for each others’ privacy. 

When are you leaving for university? Is it this fall? Enjoy and make the most of your summer before then. When you feel compelled to old habits do something else.

[Jane1230]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s the correct way to use it, not to manipulate anyone with get your ex back tricks. There’s no reason to keep in contact or check on one another. Have that respect for each others’ privacy. 

When are you leaving for university? Is it this fall? Enjoy and make the most of your summer before then. When you feel compelled to old habits do something else.

Yes, this fall. Thank you! 

By the way, if I finally decide to reach out (I know there are some general rules that dumpees shouldn't do it, but anyway) wouldn't it be a stupid thing to do after a good while? I don't know, a year, maybe. I'm not a prideful person and over these years I had always been the one who's initiative. I don't know whether it matters, but my ex, MOST LIKELY, is a fearful avoidant + a very very shy and passive person

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Jane1230 said:

Yes, this fall. Thank you! 

By the way, if I finally decide to reach out (I know there are some general rules that dumpees shouldn't do it, but anyway) wouldn't it be a stupid thing to do after a good while? I don't know, a year, maybe. I'm not a prideful person and over these years I had always been the one who's initiative. I don't know whether it matters, but my ex, MOST LIKELY, is a fearful avoidant + a very very shy and passive person

Why would you want to? Is it to get back together? What do you need from her? If it’s for friendship that comes much later provided you’re both on the same page. This is more about you than it is about her not moving on and letting go. Collecting exes as friends slows you down and it’s inappropriate if you’re dating new people.

No one can tell you whether she’ll be interested in you later or what your chances are for reconciling. Yet if you say she has conflicts with her parents and you have depressive episodes, this isn’t a good mix. You both have to sort out your personal issues before being in a relationship. Not to mention the distance all over again as new school years start and end and you coming and going during your degree. Be realistic here as it doesn’t seem you’ll ever be in the same city in the foreseeable future for long.

There are pragmatic or other reasons for keeping in contact such as a divorce process or shared kids or other business. In your case there’s no reason for that.

[Jane1230]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Why would you want to? Is it to get back together? What do you need from her? If it’s for friendship that comes much later provided you’re both on the same page. This is more about you than it is about her not moving on and letting go. Collecting exes as friends slows you down and it’s inappropriate if you’re dating new people.

No one can tell you whether she’ll be interested in you later or what your chances are for reconciling. Yet if you say she has conflicts with her parents and you have depressive episodes, this isn’t a good mix. You both have to sort out your personal issues before being in a relationship. Not to mention the distance all over again as new school years start and end and you coming and going during your degree. Be realistic here as it doesn’t seem you’ll ever be in the same city in the foreseeable future for long.

There are pragmatic or other reasons for keeping in contact such as a divorce process or shared kids or other business. In your case there’s no reason for that.

My program is going to take a year so I'm considering going back home after for at least some years. It's hard to say why I want it. Probably just to see what may happen. It might be friendship or relationship, but I don't believe that people are able to jump into relationship right after reconnecting after a long time without any communication. So anyway I think whichever sort of connection we'll have it must start with friendship in any case