How can I learn to embrace the uncertainty in the early stages of dating?

[Amanda141]

Hey guys

I'm back! My last thread here was over a month ago and I was heart broken, as the guy I was seeing for 2.5 months had dumped me the day before St Valentine's Day.

Now I am much better: I am seeing a therapist and I realised many patters of my behaviour that can be improved. I am also reading some psychology and dating books that are changing my way to organise my thoughts and actions: for instance, with "Attached - The New Science of Adult Attachment" I realised I have an anxious attachment style towards romantic relationships, and this entails always seeking reassurance from my partner, fearing that every little thing I made can be a mistake and will jeopardise the relationship... and as a consequence acting clingy and needy. I am working on that!

Right now, I am dating two guys: one from Spain (25 y/o), one from Germany (also 25 y/o), since more or less the end of February (I met them both on dating apps).

I have been on 4 dates with both of them and I currently do not have a preference: the Spanish is more extrovert and his personality is more similar to mine, but the German is more gentleman and it's a trait I really admire. For now, I feel like continuing dating them both until I see who I am more compatible with.

Today, however, my question regards the German boy. We've been texting for exactly a month and saw each other four times (he was on holiday for two weeks and came back on Sunday). The first time I saw him I thought he was really cute and seemed shy. Over texts, however, he gave me nice compliments and was eager to see my again  The second time was a week later, we went to another bar and he opened up a bit more: at the end we even kissed and he asked me out for the following day, knowing that then he would have gone two weeks on holiday and therefore we couldn't have seen each other for a while. On the third date, we had a stroll around the city and kissed even more. Just before leaving he told me he "couldn't wait to see me again". In the two weeks he was away we briefly texted, nothing special, until last week, when I asked him when he was free to see me, he replied "on Monday" and then asked: "Also, could we maybe go to your place or book a room? I want you" (he still lives with his parents)and whooo I didn't expect it all! Shy who? and then added he was excited to see me and that way too much time had passed since we saw each other.

So, last night we met. I admit I was counting down the hours to see him. We went to a bar and after chit-chatting for two hours, I brought up the subject saying "Sooo you're happy to see me?", he nodded, we kissed and I was a bit nervous but honestly I felt like making love to him and I invited him to my place. I am so happy I did it. 

However, the thing with him is that we never discussed what we are looking for. I know zero about his past dating life. He doesn't seem like a player and the fact that still lives with his parents make me think he is not dating other girls, but, as I stated before, I am currently dating another guy so I can't really say anything. 

My goal would ideally be something serious but I am also a bit torn as in a year's time I would like to move to another country so I will just see how things unfold and try to enjoy it as much as I can in the meantime. Also, what my therapist suggested is not asking myself "is he the man of my life?" but only "do I want to see him again?" and taking things slowly day by day. However, it's not always easy  For instance, I feel like I want to text more with him. Probably because texting gives me security and reassurance, but also because I genuinely would love to have some small talk and know how his day was. He is a very interesting person: he is a lawyer-trainee, both studying for the State exam and going to court for practice and he's also involved in young political parties, so I understand he's very busy. The thing is that with him it goes even 2-3 days without texting and now, since a month has passed, I'd like to hear more from him... I know that a month is not that much time and we saw each other only 4 times. I am also not a fan of texting 24/7, but I'd like to exchange some messages during the evening after work, just to feel him closer.

Since we saw each other last night, he still hasn't contacted me (like the other times, at least a few days will pass...). I don't wanna play games but from Thursday to Sunday I will be abroad so I can't see him for at least a week and I would like to hear from him  . 

How can I bring it up without looking clingy? How can I learn to embrace the uncertainty that comes with the early stages of dating and not worry too much? I asked some friends and they say it comes naturally with time and I shouldn't worry that much... but how can I do it?

Any advice?

Thanks,

Amanda 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

We've been texting for exactly a month and saw each other four times. I asked him when he was free to see me

So, last night we met. I felt like making love to him and I invited him to my place. I am so happy I did it. 

Slow down. Way down. That's the best way not to make this a crash and burn situation, which it seems you are driving toward.

[chillii]

So you got dumped in Feb , but also started dating not one, but two new guys a few wks later, and your wondering why you feel messed up. l hope they know about ea other and that you were rebounding.

[Amanda141]

@chillii it was only a 2.5 month relationship, I was absolutely not in love with that guy, even if I certainly liked him. Actually I was sad only for a couple of days, then I realised I was feeling like that not because of him specifically but because of the situation 

[dramafreezone]

Uncertainty is part of what actually creates attraction.  It's part of what is drawing you to him.  Certainty is the enemy of attraction.

If you knew exactly how he felt (certainty), all of the nerves, all of the thoughts that you have to see him for fear that someone else may take him from you, that goes away.  

There's a balance to everything though.  I think it's reasonable to want to hear from him a bit more. 

Why not just tell him that, say I love hearing from you and wish I could hear from you a bit more often?  I don't think that's clingy.  Making a big deal or starting an argument over it, that's being clingy.

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Amanda141 said:

How can I learn to embrace the uncertainty that comes with the early stages of dating and not worry too much?

I have a friend who said - the only thing you need to ask yourself early in a new relationship is “do I want to see him again?” Another who said, if you can newer yes to three questions - Do you enjoy spending time with him? Does he treat you well? And Do you want to kiss him?” Then, give it a chance and see what happens - 

The other thing that helped me, recognizing that there is no guarantee in any relationship. You could date this guy for 6 weeks or be married to him for six years, and he could still decide to end the relationship. Knowing that, you just need to know that you will be ok - whatever happens. Enjoy every stage of the relationship, and let go of your need to control the outcome - because you don’t control the outcome. 

In fact, the more that you try to get that guarantee/control the outcome, the more likely it is that you will ruin the relationship. 

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Uncertainty is part of what actually creates attraction.  It's part of what is drawing you to him.  Certainty is the enemy of attraction.

I tend to agree. The uncertainty creates attraction and excitement. It’s fun to learn about someone new and it can be exciting to have novel experiences with someone new. The beginning of a new relationship is all things - nerve wracking, exciting, and fun. Just try to enjoy it for what it is, without any attachment to the outcome. Like - don’t even ask yourself if he could be “the one” and this relationship could go the distance until six months. Just stay in the moment. 

[Ami1uwant]

Go from one two dating two after therapy? What did this therapist teach you?

you shoukd have decided on one befire sleeping with them.

[stillafool]

Amanda do you really think that after only 1 month of therapy you are ready to get back to dating 2 guys at the same time, and having casual sex?  Do you think you are healed?

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

Since we saw each other last night, he still hasn't contacted me (like the other times, at least a few days will pass...)

And do you initiate contact sometimes as well? 

Or wait for him to do so? 

[glows]

10 hours ago, Amanda141 said:

How can I bring it up without looking clingy? How can I learn to embrace the uncertainty that comes with the early stages of dating and not worry too much? I asked some friends and they say it comes naturally with time and I shouldn't worry that much... but how can I do it?

Some thrive on unfamiliar ground so this is very personal to you if you’re feeling uncertain here. I think you’re both getting on just fine and it’s a matter of time before you’ll see each other again.

Have you caught him using his phone or found that he uses it to text often or stay updated with social media a lot? Some people are just not attached to their phones at all. You’ll slowly find out about each other as you see more of one another and do other activities. He also lives at home or with his parents so he’s presumably spending time with his family after hours.

[Wiseman2]

Don't create this much uncertainty by overinvesting and accelerating things to this extreme.

Uncertainty is created when you close your eyes and just jump in without looking or thinking.

If you enjoy risk taking, get involved in sports and fitness. You can try all sorts of things such as skiing, diving, etc. 

Being physically active and learning new things is also a way to manage nervous energy as well as meeting new people.

[Weezy1973]

It sounds to me like you have abandonment issues. You push to “nail down” a serious relationship early on because you hope it will alleviate your anxiety. But, as you know, it doesn’t. In the back of your mind you’re certain he will leave you so your insecurities spiral and your clingy behavior ends up pushing him away. 
 

I agree with others.You’re not ready to date yet. Take a break. Take a year. Keep going to therapy. 

[Kamille]

 

First, congrats on getting in touch with a therapist and identifying your attachment style. Also, I'm happy to hear you have moved on and are dating two guys. That's what dating is for: exploring. It also makes good practice to work on feeling more secure. It might work out with one of these two men or might not, but at least you now know one thing: there are plenty of great guys out there. 

I have two pieces of advice for the very relatable anxiety you are feeling as an anxious attacher.

1. Self-soothe / self-compassion. You likely developed an anxious attachment style because you learned early on to monitor situations so as to avoid hurt. Only, you were a kid and you over-relied on this strategy, at the expense of learning to soothe. Secure attachers usually have parents who provide reassurance through compassion. As such, secure attachers usually operate first from a zone of comfort, not anxiety. Imagine your calm compassionate loving self observing your anxious self: what would this compassionate self see? On my end, what I see is that you just had sex with a guy you like and are reacting very normally by having feelings of excitement and vulnerability. There's nothing wrong with these feelings, nothing about them that requires monitoring or action. It's a very relatable feeling, one that speaks to a beautiful part of yourself. Hopefully this exercise of self-soothing helps you focus on yourself more (instead of him) and calm down.

2. Scarcity to abundance. Anxiety is often the result of a scarcity mindset. We focus on particular outcomes because we are afraid of losing something, at the cost of seeing everything we already have going for us. Instead, bring to mind everything that is abundant in your life. Maybe it is that you are resilient and have the ability to work on yourself with a therapist and time to read books. Maybe it is that you are lucky to be able to meet (great!) men easily. Maybe it is that you think about the personality traits that you most appreciate about yourself, your sense of adventure for instance. Maybe all of the above. 

Both these exercises bring the focus on you, on what is within your control. This hopefully will feel empowering in a way that focusing on how much he's texting won't.  

Finally, you seem afraid to seem clingy. Again, very relatable. That said: speak up! If you are looking for a serious relationship, let these guys know so. It doesn't mean with them (you don't have enough information yet). But at least they will know and the men who aren't looking for that will excuse themselves. 

 

 

 

Edited March 23, 2022 by Kamille

[KM101]

 

The more you think about him, the more energy you are putting on him. The key to having a successful relationship is taking it a day at a time and doing your own thing at the same time. You seem way too invested way too early. Take a step back and enjoy the things you love, while dating . It is easier and way less stressful! 

 

Edited March 23, 2022 by KM101

[Alpacalia]

I was curious and did one of those tests years ago and it said I have a 'fearful-avoidant' attachment style, so I pull in anxious people. Not sure how accurate that is.

What you want out of texting isn't the text itself, it's what it represents and how it makes you feel (i.e. feeling wanted, desired, needed, etc.). Act with security, and you can anticipate similarly.

Is it reasonable for you to hear from someone who you have been dating for a month every night? Does that seem fair to you?

How can you get him to text you more? I don't think you have to. If you have to make a guy text you more to make you feel desired, and he's not doing it independently, it's just unbalanced.

Depending on how well you know each other, decide whether texting every evening is reasonable. Feeling it's true, but not receiving it, means either you're expecting too much, or the person just isn't that into you.

In other words, if you want someone to text you in the evenings, show the same interest. In the evening, ask him about his day, then let him text you tomorrow. Put yourself out there and build your own type of frequency. Invest in men who are willing to invest in the same way as you.

Edited March 23, 2022 by Alpaca

[Amanda141]

20 hours ago, stillafool said:

Amanda do you really think that after only 1 month of therapy you are ready to get back to dating 2 guys at the same time, and having casual sex?  Do you think you are healed?

honestly I feel ready yes, I think that I can learn from dating and from my mistakes. I am only 24 and it's not that I have been through a divorce/hard breakup after many years of relationship. My issue is that I attract guys very easily but I have a hard time keeping them because of my anxious attachment style and my hurry to lock them in a relationship. It's weird cause in general I am a very happy person with a stable job, many friends and hobbies. It's only during romantic relationships that I feel insecure, vulnerable and in constant need of reassurance. 

 

 

[Amanda141]

14 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And do you initiate contact sometimes as well? 

Or wait for him to do so? 

50/50

[Amanda141]

thanks to all for the answers, it's always interesting for me to read other points of view.

Basically I realised I have these issues in my dating life and I am currently working on improving them:

- need of reassurance and approval

- need to have everything under control

- fear of abandonment/being alone/Worry over losing a partner

-Need to increase feelings of security 

-excessing worrying/overthinking/over-analysing the dates

-wanting to rush and hurry towards making it official in order to alleviate my anxiety

Easier said than done  I think one big step that I made is that at least now I am aware of that and I am actively working towards healing (even if it's not easy).

Thanks for all the advice!

[Weezy1973]

Just know that you can’t control your feelings (at least it’s really hard to) but you can control your actions. Often what people want from therapy is to feel differently. To not feel anxious or fearful. But what generally works is to accept those feelings and recognize them when they occur. But act differently than you’ve done in the past regardless of what you feel. That’s really the key. 

[basil67]

Have a look at the concept of resilience.  It's about being confident that you'll bounce back when things have gone wrong.   If you know that you'll be OK, then perhaps you won't be so anxious. 

[Amanda141]

5 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Just know that you can’t control your feelings (at least it’s really hard to) but you can control your actions. Often what people want from therapy is to feel differently. To not feel anxious or fearful. But what generally works is to accept those feelings and recognize them when they occur. But act differently than you’ve done in the past regardless of what you feel. That’s really the key. 

Never thought of that before! I’ll definitely try!