She only texts me when we are arranging to meet.

[AndyLFC26]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Clarify it with her. No one here can tell you what she feels or thinks. 

It appears she’s interested in meeting you. But she’s not interested in texting. 

I can only add what I would personally do. I call if someone texts me with a question. Frankly I dislike that people think it’s ok to go on and on asking about how my day has been without a decent phone call. It’s quite rude actually, in my opinion. I prefer a phone conversation hearing a voice. Conversely there are plenty of people who dislike calls also and prefer to text. This is very individual to each person but regardless of how a person returns a message I think it’s basic courtesy to respond in some way even if it takes a few hours or awhile. 

Why she’s not responding at all is something you’ll have to find out from her and also figure out whether it’s a dealbreaker as it also means your communication isn’t great.

What should I say to her without coming as desperate or needy? I don’t want to say something like “I think that you should text me more!” Or “are you ignoring me?” 
 

As Beach says, her lifestyle is pretty hectic so I do understand that she is busy and needs to sleep as well. 

[glows]

“Do you prefer calls or texts? I notice you’re quite busy and don’t want to bombard you. I had sent a couple of texts and wasn’t sure if you’d seen them earlier in the week.” 

Try that in person. Don’t text this. Don’t ask twice.

She can respond or address it if she wants to. She has two jobs and goes to school so you might also want to rethink whether you want to pursue someone who is pressed for time or has two jobs or is still in school or all the above. 

Be patient. Cut your losses if she’s not for you and be a gentleman about everything, regardless of whether this turns out.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

I am going to the pub tonight and she will  be there working until 10pm. What should I say?

Ask her out again. If she says yes talk with her then. But don't launch into a 'relationship communication expectations' talk while she's trying to work. 

[AndyLFC26]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

“Do you prefer calls or texts? I notice you’re quite busy and don’t want to bombard you. I had sent a couple of texts and wasn’t sure if you’d seen them earlier in the week.” 

Try that in person. Don’t text this. Don’t ask twice.

She can respond or address it if she wants to. She has two jobs and goes to school so you might also want to rethink whether you want to pursue someone who is pressed for time or has two jobs or is still in school or all the above. 

Be patient. Cut your losses if she’s not for you and be a gentleman about everything, regardless of whether this turns out.

 

 

Hi glows,

We went for a few drinks last Saturday. Should I try ringing her at some point this week and ask her if she’s busy on the upcoming Friday or Saturday? 
 

I get the feeling that after work or college she’s so tired that she goes to sleep. 
 

Am I right in thinking that one to one things are generally dates? I don’t want to come across as weird so I’m not going to ask her “are you interested in me romantically?” Or something like that. Is there any way I can find out tonight when I see her?

I would like to pursue things with her, further education is only temporary and I really do like her.

 

[AndyLFC26]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Ask her out again. If she says yes talk with her then. But don't launch into a 'relationship communication expectations' talk while she's trying to work. 

I would be too shy to do that anyway. It took me ages to build up the courage to ask her for her number! 

[FMW]

She's showing you she does NOT like to text unless it's for specific things, like making plans.  You also have never noticed her using her phone when she's at work or out with friends.  Paying attention to those things tell you what you need to know. Even if most girls her age are tied to their phones, and even if your experience is that girls text you a lot, she is not other girls.  As I noted, she's showing you who she is as far as her phone and texting go.  

Try calling her at a time when you think it's most likely she might be available (depending on her study and work schedule), and leave a message if she doesn't answer.  See how she responds to the calls.  She may have the same preference with phone calls as with texts, that she only wants to use them to make plans or communicate specific information.  Many people prefer actual conversations to be done in person.  

Both her communication preference and how she sees you (as a date or just a friend) will become more clear as you spend more time together.  Keep asking her out and see how things develop.  

Pay attention and accept what she is showing you about herself.  If you don't like what she's showing or, if her lack of texting or calls between dates is a problem for you, then you can make the decision to not spend any more time on it.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

Hi glows,

We went for a few drinks last Saturday. Should I try ringing her at some point this week and ask her if she’s busy on the upcoming Friday or Saturday? 
 

I get the feeling that after work or college she’s so tired that she goes to sleep. 
 

Am I right in thinking that one to one things are generally dates? I don’t want to come across as weird so I’m not going to ask her “are you interested in me romantically?” Or something like that. Is there any way I can find out tonight when I see her?

I would like to pursue things with her, further education is only temporary and I really do like her.

 

Be patient. You can only find out whether someone feels the same way through the time you spend in person together and a longer period of time. There is no instant answer to this so try to be patient. That’s what dating is for. We cultivate deeper interest in someone over a longer period of time, affections develop and greater interest and so on.

You’re seeing someone you may be interested in at the moment and you both are only scratching the surface getting to know one another. Enjoy her company if that’s what interests you about her. Continue dating her if you are interested in her as a person. Engage with her and find out more about her.

I’d call and ask her out on a date. Or, text as you say she responds to text invitations. Mention that I’d like to take you out on a date. Are you free this … etc.

 

[AndyLFC26]

33 minutes ago, FMW said:

She's showing you she does NOT like to text unless it's for specific things, like making plans.  You also have never noticed her using her phone when she's at work or out with friends.  Paying attention to those things tell you what you need to know. Even if most girls her age are tied to their phones, and even if your experience is that girls text you a lot, she is not other girls.  As I noted, she's showing you who she is as far as her phone and texting go.  

Try calling her at a time when you think it's most likely she might be available (depending on her study and work schedule), and leave a message if she doesn't answer.  See how she responds to the calls.  She may have the same preference with phone calls as with texts, that she only wants to use them to make plans or communicate specific information.  Many people prefer actual conversations to be done in person.  

Both her communication preference and how she sees you (as a date or just a friend) will become more clear as you spend more time together.  Keep asking her out and see how things develop.  

Pay attention and accept what she is showing you about herself.  If you don't like what she's showing or, if her lack of texting or calls between dates is a problem for you, then you can make the decision to not spend any more time on it.

I think it just takes some getting used to because if I need to get in touch with one of my friends or family then he/she typically texts me back fairly quickly. 
 

I don’t know when is the best time to call her because I know that sometimes she does extra shifts and doesn’t finish until 1-2am so I don’t want to disturb her in case it messes up with her sleeping pattern. I haven’t asked enough to know exactly when she’s free.

In person she’s always talking to me and even goes out of her way to speak to me. So for example, when no one is at the bar wanting to be served or she is on her break then she could sit anywhere and relax but instead she comes over to me every time.

Is there any thing I can specifically do without directly asking her to know whether or not she sees us as potentially taking things further?

[Beachead]

@AndyLFC26

Quote

 

How can I even be sure that we are going on dates? My understanding was that generally speaking you hung out with several people and one to one things tend to be forms of dating. 
 

Communicate.

Quote

I am going to the pub tonight and she will  be there working until 10pm. What should I say?

Say nothing in that environment.  Just have a good time.    Her work place isn't the time or the place to discuss anything relationship related as this is where she earns her living.   Her priority here will be to maintain her professionalism and commit her thoughts and energy to doing her job right.  As a result, she will be unable to give you her full attention.

 

6 hours ago, AndyLFC26 said:

and we’ve been out a couple of times - one time for a meal and one time for drinks.

Since you have gone out together, ask her out again and discuss it there.  I'd pick something that'll involve a fun activity.   The activity will buffer awkward silences and stress/anxiety you will feel, when you are thinking about talking to her.  This will help warm the two of you up to one another.  It'll make it easier.

 

Quote

I would be too shy to do that anyway. It took me ages to build up the courage to ask her for her number! 

Nothing can or will change so long as you don't cross the boundary.  You can work as hard as you want, trying to figure out what she's feeling or thinking, but you'll never know.  It'll all be speculation.  And the longer this goes on, the worse it'll feel.  

So your shyness has to get lost, for this to happen.

If she doesn't feel the same way, then turning you down was the best result because things were never going to happen anyway.  You just didn't know that.  Now you would, along with the fact that you'd know you tried your best and you are no longer a guy wasting your time, feeling anxious over a potential result.  You are a guy who is now passed all that, and getting on with your life to find yourself someone who will reciprocate.   I'd rather be the latter, because that guy isn't wasting his time.   Everything works out as it is meant to.

So talk to her and just be yourself.  If she digs you and is worth her salt, then she'll extend to you a courtesy of understanding and there won't be a whole lot to put her off.  If you two ended up together, you'd have to do this anyway.  You might as well start now.

If you refuse to take the necessary step, well, then you'll wonder what if, possibly for the rest of your life.

  Are you okay with that?

- Beach

Edited February 27, 2022 by Beachead

[AndyLFC26]

52 minutes ago, glows said:

Be patient. You can only find out whether someone feels the same way through the time you spend in person together and a longer period of time. There is no instant answer to this so try to be patient. That’s what dating is for. We cultivate deeper interest in someone over a longer period of time, affections develop and greater interest and so on.

You’re seeing someone you may be interested in at the moment and you both are only scratching the surface getting to know one another. Enjoy her company if that’s what interests you about her. Continue dating her if you are interested in her as a person. Engage with her and find out more about her.

I’d call and ask her out on a date. Or, text as you say she responds to text invitations. Mention that I’d like to take you out on a date. Are you free this … etc.

 

I understand that things take time to develop, but I also don’t want to waste my time and keep taking her out for the next day 10 months to then be told that there was never any chance of any thing happening between us. 
 

But, equally I don’t want to come across as being too strong and forward and then scare her away. Where are some good places for the next time I see her?

[AndyLFC26]

12 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@AndyLFC26

Communicate. Talk to her.  Because you can try to figure out what she's thinking as long as you want but you'll never know and it'll all be speculation at best.

 

Say nothing in that environment.  Just have a good time.    Her work place isn't the place to discuss anything relationship related as this is where she earns her living.   Her priority here will be to maintain her professionalism and commit her thoughts and energy to doing her job right.  As a result, she will be unable to give you her full attention.

 

Since you have gone out together, ask her out again and discuss it there.  Pick something that'll involve activity.  Something fun.  The activity will buffer awkward silences and stress you will feel, when you are thinking talking to her.  This will help warm the two of you up to one another.  When you go out for food afterwards, tell her there.

 

This stuff isn't easy and it's terrifying but your shyness will have to take a hike and get lost.

..because nothing can or will change so long as you don't cross the boundary.  You can work as hard as you want, trying to figure out what she's feeling or thinking, but you'll never know.  It'll all be speculation.  And the longer this goes on, the worse it'll feel.  

If she doesn't feel the same way, then turning you down was the best result because things were never going to happen anyway.  You just didn't know that and now you would.  Atleast you'd know you've tried and atleast you are no longer a guy feeling anxious over a potential result.  You are a guy who is now passed all that, and getting on with your life to find yourself someone who will reciprocate.   I'd rather be the latter, because that guy isn't wasting his time.   Everything works out as it is meant to.

So talk to her and just be yourself.  If she digs you and is worth her salt, then she'll extend to you a courtesy of understanding and there won't be a whole lot to put her off.  If you two ended up together, you'd have to do this anyway.  You might as well start now.

If you refuse to take the necessary step, well, then you'll wonder what if, possibly for the rest of your life.

  Are you okay with that?

- Beach

Hi Beach, you have given me some excellent advice.

Yes, even now it’s leaving me feeling a bit torn inside because I really don’t know what we are or what we could possibly be so I have knots in my stomach quite often when I think about it. With regard to the possibility of rejection, well that is the chance I’m going to have to take and that’s all there is to it. However, I know it’s only speculation, but would she really have given me her number and agree to two meetings with me if she only saw us as friends? I have complimented her and she went red and smiled and said “thank you”. 
 

So the next time we meet each other, what should I say to her? I am willing to take the necessary step of being direct so I don’t get hurt later on if I were to be let down by her.

[princessaurora]

What is her body language like? Does she touch you at all, flirt, or compliment?

I know you said you complimented her, but have you touched her, held her hand or hugged her? 

[AndyLFC26]

9 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

What is her body language like? Does she touch you at all, flirt, or compliment?

I know you said you complimented her, but have you touched her, held her hand or hugged her? 

She’s always looking at me, holds her gaze and at times has been close to me. When I see her at the pub instead of sitting opposite me she will sit next to me and then turn towards me and her legs are right next to my legs. She’s complimented on my choice of outfit when we went for dinner. 
 

We haven’t held hands or hugged. I suppose I haven’t tried either because I don’t know what it means when we are meeting at the moment.

Edited February 27, 2022 by AndyLFC26

[AndyLFC26]

This may sound like a stupid question, but generally speaking is it the man who pursues things? 

[princessaurora]

It just depends. Some women are bold and will make the first move. Others will try to coax you along by getting in close proximity and hoping you take over from there. Your reaction can be very telling too. When she sits next to you or you or touches your legs to hers it shows how comfortable she is with you, so what is your reaction? If you're smiling  or smirking in an alluring way, this indicates you welcome her closeness. But if she's sitting next to you and making good eye contact she's obviously attracted to you. 

 

[FMW]

12 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

is it the man who pursues things? 

Depends on the couple.  Some women will wait until the man makes some sort of move (reaching for her hand, etc.), others will make the move themselves.  Unfortunately you'll have to risk her "rejection" to find out.  You can start with small moves, like reaching out and touching her arm briefly, and see how she responds.  

Does she act equally friendly with others as she does with you?  It sounds like she is showing signs of interest, but again, you're probably going to have to take a chance if you want to find out sooner rather than later.  

 

[Beachead]

@AndyLFC26

Quote

However, I know it’s only speculation, but would she really have given me her number and agree to two meetings with me if she only saw us as friends? 

Pointless questions OP.  Get your answers by putting yourself out there and giving her a chance to put herself out there.

But if it satisfies you, I can say as busy as she is, she makes time to hang out with you.  And it's not a cup of coffee or a lunch either, it's dinner or drinks.   She is comfortable and she respects you.  Beyond that, I don't know.

Arrange an outing but don't do drinks because you both should be in your right mind to talk.  Dinner is fine but if you'd feel more comfortable doing something fun, to counter the anxiety you might feel, then arrange an fun activity styled outing rather than a fancy dinner.  You can even grab your dinner at a less formal place afterwards.  Something messy and hands on.  It's not a lunch or a coffee that you would grab with a friend but also not so formal either.  It's something in between for two people who have recently met and are getting to know one another.   There won't be an easy segue into talking about feelings, so don't waste your energy trying to figure one out.  

I'm not going to tell you what to say.  What you say to her has to come from you, in all it's awkwardness.   That uniqueness in you that no one else can replicate, is something she has to see.  And trust me, if she's a good, reasonable, person and she likes you, there isn't much you can do to fail in her eyes.  You were always going to succeed.   And if she doesn't feel the same way, no adjustment you could have made regarding what to say or what to do  or any version of yourself you pretend to be, would work, because it was never going to happen anyway

- Beach

[AndyLFC26]

1 minute ago, princessaurora said:

It just depends. Some women are bold and will make the first move. Others will try to coax you along by getting in close proximity and hoping you take over from there. Your reaction can be very telling too. When she sits next to you or you or touches your legs to hers it shows how comfortable she is with you, so what is your reaction? If you're smiling  or smirking in an alluring way, this indicates you welcome her closeness. But if she's sitting next to you and making good eye contact she's obviously attracted to you. 

 

I would describe her as quite a bubbly person. She talks to a lot of people so her personality suits her job. But with other people she’s just friendly. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen her having a laugh with other people including guys and that doesn’t bother me. But as far as I know, she isn’t at the moment meeting other guys for one on one meetings. 
 

I haven’t asked anyone at the pub if she has ever mentioned me or anything along those lines because that’s how Chinese whispers start and I don’t want that. 
 

I have looked directly into her eyes to hold her gaze and she didn’t look away. We smile and wave at each other a lot too. But, don’t friends just do that too? I don’t want to be reading into things and think that things are there when in fact they are not. 
 

I just don’t know how to take it to the next level of physically touching her. I don’t want to possibly ruin things. I also don’t want to give off the idea that I’m only after one thing when I am not.
 

 

[AndyLFC26]

8 minutes ago, FMW said:

Depends on the couple.  Some women will wait until the man makes some sort of move (reaching for her hand, etc.), others will make the move themselves.  Unfortunately you'll have to risk her "rejection" to find out.  You can start with small moves, like reaching out and touching her arm briefly, and see how she responds.  

Does she act equally friendly with others as she does with you?  It sounds like she is showing signs of interest, but again, you're probably going to have to take a chance if you want to find out sooner rather than later.  

 

I always open a door and let her go first, should I touch her at all when she is walking past me? 
 

I can’t just randomly put my arm out and touch her because that would just be weird.

She’s naturally an extrovert for sure, but she doesn’t talk to other people for as long as she does with me and I have never noticed her going out of her way to sit next to someone else when she is on her break. 
 

I do want to find out, but I’m terrified of her saying something that I don’t want to hear and then it becoming awkward when I see her when I go and play darts.

[AndyLFC26]

6 minutes ago, Beachead said:

@AndyLFC26

Pointless questions OP.  Get your answers by putting yourself out there and giving her a chance to put herself out there.

But if it satisfies you, I can say as busy as she is, she makes time to hang out with you.  And it's not a cup of coffee or a lunch either, it's dinner or drinks.   She is comfortable and she respects you.  Beyond that, I don't know.

Arrange an outing but don't do drinks because you both should be in your right mind to talk.  Dinner is fine but if you'd feel more comfortable doing something fun, to counter the anxiety you might feel, then arrange an fun activity styled outing rather than a fancy dinner.  You can even grab your dinner at a less formal place afterwards.  Something messy and hands on.  It's not a lunch or a coffee that you would grab with a friend but also not so formal either.  It's something in between for two people who have recently met and are getting to know one another.   There won't be an easy segue into talking about feelings, so don't waste your energy trying to figure one out.  

I'm not going to tell you what to say.  What you say to her has to come from you, in all it's awkwardness.   That uniqueness in you that no one else can replicate, is something she has to see.  And trust me, if she's a good, reasonable, person and she likes you, there isn't much you can do to fail in her eyes.  You were always going to succeed.   And if she doesn't feel the same way, no adjustment you could have made regarding what to say or what to do  or any version of yourself you pretend to be, would work, because it was never going to happen anyway

- Beach

What things can I do to “put myself out there”? I’ve got her number, I arrange for us to meet up. What should I do next? I don’t have a lot of experience.

What can I do as an activity that is fun for us to do together?

Do you have any ideas on how I can test the waters with regard to physically touching her? 

 

[princessaurora]

13 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

I would describe her as quite a bubbly person. She talks to a lot of people so her personality suits her job. But with other people she’s just friendly. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen her having a laugh with other people including guys and that doesn’t bother me. But as far as I know, she isn’t at the moment meeting other guys for one on one meetings. 
 

I haven’t asked anyone at the pub if she has ever mentioned me or anything along those lines because that’s how Chinese whispers start and I don’t want that. 
 

I have looked directly into her eyes to hold her gaze and she didn’t look away. We smile and wave at each other a lot too. But, don’t friends just do that too? I don’t want to be reading into things and think that things are there when in fact they are not. 
 

I just don’t know how to take it to the next level of physically touching her. I don’t want to possibly ruin things. I also don’t want to give off the idea that I’m only after one thing when I am not.
 

 

You could put your hand over hers when she' s sitting next to you. If she doesn't pull away, she's most likely open to more and it tells her, so are you.  You could also tell her you really enjoy spending time with her. That would make her smile.

And when she walks in front of you to go in somewhere, put your hand on the small of her back to guide her in the door. Subtle physical touch is the best way to test the waters when you're not ready to jump in yet. 

[AndyLFC26]

11 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

You could put your hand over hers when she' s sitting next to you. If she doesn't pull away, she's most likely open to more and it tells her, so are you.  You could also tell her you really enjoy spending time with her. That would make her smile.

And when she walks in front of you to go in somewhere, put your hand on the small of her back to guide her in the door. Subtle physical touch is the best way to test the waters when you're not ready to jump in yet. 

Do you think putting my hand over her hand is a bit forward? Isn’t that what couples normally do?

The back thing is fairly subtle and a good thing to do. I have been thinking about doing it for a little while now. 
 

What else could I do?

The next time we are out I’ll tell her that I enjoy spending time with her.

 

[glows]

2 hours ago, AndyLFC26 said:

I think it just takes some getting used to because if I need to get in touch with one of my friends or family then he/she typically texts me back fairly quickly. 
 

I don’t know when is the best time to call her because I know that sometimes she does extra shifts and doesn’t finish until 1-2am so I don’t want to disturb her in case it messes up with her sleeping pattern. I haven’t asked enough to know exactly when she’s free.

In person she’s always talking to me and even goes out of her way to speak to me. So for example, when no one is at the bar wanting to be served or she is on her break then she could sit anywhere and relax but instead she comes over to me every time.

Is there any thing I can specifically do without directly asking her to know whether or not she sees us as potentially taking things further?

If someone is agreeing to see you on dates there’s mutual interest. Why on earth would you want to “take things further” when you don’t even know her well enough to know when she’s free? You’re jumping the gun and way too focused on progressing this to a relationship. Enjoy her company and find out more about each other on your dates.

[AndyLFC26]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

If someone is agreeing to see you on dates there’s mutual interest. Why on earth would you want to “take things further” when you don’t even know her well enough to know when she’s free? You’re jumping the gun and way too focused on progressing this to a relationship. Enjoy her company and find out more about each other on your dates.

I mean that I want to know that I am actually going on a date rather than just meeting up as friends.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, AndyLFC26 said:

I mean that I want to know that I am actually going on a date rather than just meeting up as friends.

I answered your question two of my posts back. When you ask her out mention that it’s a date. It’s very simple - be clear and direct.