Married co-worker weirdness

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, stillafool said:

Don't believe what?  Sorry, I missed something.

I don’t believe he hasn’t yet worked out what makes him tick. I said perhaps he just doesn’t want to discuss and so is being deliberately vague. He didn’t respond to that but we have seen eachother since and been messaging again today 

[stillafool]

3 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Because I am over 20 years younger than him , I think that makes things slightly different to if I was also in my 50s. I am a much younger woman who her husband is actively choosing to meet up with in work and who is sharing many many text messages with him about non work related stuff now . I wonder what would happen if she knew that - my guess is she wouldn’t be happy 

Oh, as a matter of fact I see you keep making that comment in your past posts.  It sounds like you want his wife to be jealous of you when in reality she may not even know or care if you're alive.  Then again, he could have told her about this woman who has a crush on him and they have a laugh about you.  You don't have a man in your life, do you?

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I wonder what would happen if she knew that - my guess is she wouldn’t be happy 

You realize what this says about him, right?

You need higher standards for the men you allow into your life. 

[Catsclaws00]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Oh, as a matter of fact I see you keep making that comment in your past posts.  It sounds like you want his wife to be jealous of you when in reality she may not even know or care if you're alive.  Then again, he could have told her about this woman who has a crush on him and they have a laugh about you.  You don't have a man in your life, do you?

I don’t want her to be jealous , I am simply saying he has a wife and that if I were his wife looking at this situation I wouldn’t be happy. We have never discussed this particular point but I would be genuinely gobsmacked if he is telling her I have a crush and they are laughing about it, because he is engaging and participating by meeting up and spending time with me or messaging back etc. 

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want her to be jealous , I am simply saying he has a wife and that if I were his wife looking at this situation I wouldn’t be happy. We have never discussed this particular point but I would be genuinely gobsmacked if he is telling her I have a crush and they are laughing about it, because he is engaging and participating by meeting up and spending time with me or messaging back etc. 

I admit that I’m enjoying it but also he isn’t blameless here , he knows that our exchanges aren’t ‘normal ‘ or necessary and so could have decided to shut them down at any stage. This has been going on for many many months now 

[stillafool]

2 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t want her to be jealous , I am simply saying he has a wife and that if I were his wife looking at this situation I wouldn’t be happy.

Yes, but you are not his wife and you've made that comment more than once about her.  You should just stick to talking about your crush and stop bringing her into it.  He definitely wouldn't like that.  Lot's of married people tell their spouses about others have crushes on them.  I remember this woman had a severe crush on my Dad and my Mom and him would die laughing at the silly things she would try to do to get his attention.  Again, you don't have a man in your life, do you?

[Catsclaws00]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Yes, but you are not his wife and you've made that comment more than once about her.  You should just stick to talking about your crush and stop bringing her into it.  He definitely wouldn't like that.  Lot's of married people tell their spouses about others have crushes on them.  I remember this woman had a severe crush on my Dad and my Mom and him would die laughing at the silly things she would try to do to get his attention.  Again, you don't have a man in your life, do you?

Was your dad actively encouraging the woman’s crush or was he ignoring it ? I do have a man in my life , I have just fallen for this one and cannot help how I am feeling. I have tried hard not to but each time we end up talking again 

[Catsclaws00]

3 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Was your dad actively encouraging the woman’s crush or was he ignoring it ? I do have a man in my life , I have just fallen for this one and cannot help how I am feeling. I have tried hard not to but each time we end up talking again 

Today he was saying how he has just under 3 years until he can retire and how he can’t stand the thought of going to garden centres for a cup of tea with his wife - we talked about what he would want to do and hobbies etc that interest him - it was quite a deep conversation and I’m glad we shared it. He wants to make sure he doesn’t waste any time and that he stays fit / healthy etc . 

[stillafool]

15 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Was your dad actively encouraging the woman’s crush or was he ignoring it ? I do have a man in my life , I have just fallen for this one and cannot help how I am feeling. I have tried hard not to but each time we end up talking again 

No my father was not her Mentor as this guy is to you.  Mentor's have to deal with this all the time.

 

16 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I do have a man in my life , I have just fallen for this one and cannot help how I am feeling.

But he's not your man.  Have you ever had your own?

[Catsclaws00]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

No my father was not her Mentor as this guy is to you.  Mentor's have to deal with this all the time.

 

But he's not your man.  Have you ever had your own?

I am saying I have a man in my life other than this man - he has gone beyond a mentor role now , and by deal with this I’m not sure what you mean ? If a mentor has a pupil or junior colleague who they feel has inappropriate feelings or is acting in a way they aren’t comfortable with I think most would have shut things down long before the situation we are in currently 

[glows]

I suppose the thread is going around in circles as you’re trying to find clues he likes you but nothing is actually happening. You’re both involved in other relationships. I’m not sure how much time you want to spend on this. At some point I hope you can see how futile it is.

[Catsclaws00]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

I suppose the thread is going around in circles as you’re trying to find clues he likes you but nothing is actually happening. You’re both involved in other relationships. I’m not sure how much time you want to spend on this. At some point I hope you can see how futile it is.

I don’t think I’m looking for clues any more, I am pretty sure he likes me - it’s just as you say, we are both involved elsewhere. I can already see it is futile , however my feelings are involved so that makes things more tricky 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I am saying I have a man in my life other than this man - he has gone beyond a mentor role now

It's clear you have a crush, but my advice remains the same:

 

[Catsclaws00]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

It's clear you have a crush, but my advice remains the same:

 

Thanks for your advice - he isn’t being completely appropriate and professional, either when we meet by the things he says or the way we are messaging eachother . That is not a mentor / mentee relationship that would be classed as ‘normal’. I have a crush , ok agreed - but what does that say if he is allowing things to continue in this way and not poilitely trying to shut anything other than work support down? 

[glows]

2 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t think I’m looking for clues any more, I am pretty sure he likes me - it’s just as you say, we are both involved elsewhere. I can already see it is futile , however my feelings are involved so that makes things more tricky 

They may be fantasy based feelings that go nowhere. Remain professional always and have good boundaries where it concerns your colleagues. I’d also review what’s lacking or take a look at why this older person so far removed from anything realistic or not really an option continues to pull at your heartstrings. A crush here and there is fine. Fantasies that go on and on would signal to me something is missing in your life. 

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I am saying I have a man in my life other than this man - he has gone beyond a mentor role now , and by deal with this I’m not sure what you mean ? If a mentor has a pupil or junior colleague who they feel has inappropriate feelings or is acting in a way they aren’t comfortable with I think most would have shut things down long before the situation we are in currently 

That's not necessarily so.  Male and female professors as well as teachers have to deal with crushes from pupils all the time.  They know this comes with the job.  Lawyers deal with this at law firms with young colleagues and doctors at hospitals with young interns....... it's all part of the job.  No big deal accept of course for the person who has the crush.

Who is the man in your life?  He must not be doing a good job or you wouldn't be crushing on this old guy.  Why don't you get involved with a single man that knows how to keep you interested.

 

[Catsclaws00]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

That's not necessarily so.  Male and female professors as well as teachers have to deal with crushes from pupils all the time.  They know this comes with the job.  Lawyers deal with this at law firms with young colleagues and doctors at hospitals with young interns....... it's all part of the job.  No big deal accept of course for the person who has the crush.

Who is the man in your life?  He must not be doing a good job or you wouldn't be crushing on this old guy.  Why don't you get involved with a single man that knows how to keep you interested.

 

I understand that , but he isn’t an official tutor / mentor to me and there is no real reason we need to see eachother at all. We have agreed between ourselves to meet up and talk because it is enjoyable and we both like it .

[NuevoYorko]

Oh, no.  This is grasping at straws.   

I was surprised to see that someone agreed with you that this response is "strange."  I literally can imagine myself saying the exact same thing in response to that question.

One thing for certain:  He did not want to engage with you in a discussion of what makes him tick and he effectively shut it down.

I am concerned about your undying obsession with this man.  It would be a good idea for you to move to a different job or something ... anything ... to break out of this.  It's truly unhealthy.  Honestly, you are not doing yourself any professional favors by continuing - it's very unprofessional and I'm sure very annoying.  

[Catsclaws00]

5 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Oh, no.  This is grasping at straws.   

I was surprised to see that someone agreed with you that this response is "strange."  I literally can imagine myself saying the exact same thing in response to that question.

One thing for certain:  He did not want to engage with you in a discussion of what makes him tick and he effectively shut it down.

I am concerned about your undying obsession with this man.  It would be a good idea for you to move to a different job or something ... anything ... to break out of this.  It's truly unhealthy.  Honestly, you are not doing yourself any professional favors by continuing - it's very unprofessional and I'm sure very annoying.  

Thank you for your input. If it is totally in my head and I am annoying him, why is he continuing to meet and talk in a way which we really don’t need to - today we talked alone for 40 mins , mainly about personal things and non work related ? I just don’t get that part. I will take what you have said on board, thanks 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Was your dad actively encouraging the woman’s crush or was he ignoring it ? I do have a man in my life , I have just fallen for this one and cannot help how I am feeling. I have tried hard not to but each time we end up talking again 

.  

For heaven's sake.  You just started a thread asking people to help you understand if this comment was "flirty" or not - because you can't "distinguish" on your own.  

 100% agree that it was NOT FLIRTY.  Nothing flirty about it.  Nix.  Nada.  In fact, it was clearly meant to shut you down.   HE DID NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM TICK.   

That's exactly the opposite of "encouraging" your fairly predatory obsession with this guy.  

You are misreading the guy and probably making a fool of yourself, if I'm going to be completely frank.   Your behavior might be ok in puberty but in a professional setting there is no place for it.

Has your husband, who works there as well, caught on to your efforts to mess with this man and his marriage?  

 

  

 

Edited September 28, 2022 by NuevoYorko

[Catsclaws00]

12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

 

For heaven's sake.  You just started a thread asking people to help you understand if this comment was "flirty" or not - because you can't "distinguish" on your own.  

 100% agree that it was NOT FLIRTY.  Nothing flirty about it.  Nix.  Nada.  In fact, it was clearly meant to shut you down.   HE DID NOT WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU ABOUT WHAT MAKES HIM TICK.   

That's exactly the opposite of "encouraging" your fairly predatory obsession with this guy.  

You are misreading the guy and probably making a fool of yourself, if I'm going to be completely frank.   Your behavior might be ok in puberty but in a professional setting there is no place for it.

Has your husband, who works there as well, caught on to your efforts to mess with this man and his marriage?  

 

  

 

.  Me and my husband have now separated formally and he has taken 6 months out to go travelling with his brother so I am no longer in contact with him. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Catsclaws00 said:

Thanks for your advice - he isn’t being completely appropriate and professional, either when we meet by the things he says or the way we are messaging eachother . That is not a mentor / mentee relationship that would be classed as ‘normal’. I have a crush , ok agreed - but what does that say if he is allowing things to continue in this way and not poilitely trying to shut anything other than work support down? 

Does this guy regularly hold your hand?  Put his hand on your leg?  Touch your face?  Hug you for more than 2 seconds?

Edited September 28, 2022 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

2 hours ago, Catsclaws00 said:

I don’t think I’m looking for clues any more

Please be honest.  You are looking for clues and grasping at straws in a quite desperate way.  This thread is an example of you looking for "secret meaning" in a completely throwaway statement.  Yet you have a whole thread about it and input from a few dozen other people.

Definitely looking for clues ... that are not there.

[stillafool]

On 2/11/2022 at 2:04 PM, Catsclaws00 said:

A former colleague from my previous role who is around 20 years older than me and has previously held a very high position, is very knowledgable and experienced in our field has become a real mentor to me. He helps in things I’m doing , always gives good advice and listens . I message him and we meet up every few weeks just Briefly to discuss current work issues . I really am attracted to him , he is married.

This is where I got the idea he's your mentor.  You started out using him as a mentor in hopes of making him your lover.  You didn't care that he was a married man.