Ongoing red flags in LDR (threads merged)

[Agentra]

Apologies for the cheesy title. 

Hi and thanks for reading, I hope you're doing well. I'm posting here to hopefully receive some insight from people more wise than I am. English isn't my first language so if at any point I sound like a pain, I am sorry. 

I'm 23F (Baltics), the person I've been involved with for a whopping 2.5 months is 25M (America). We met online, 8h time difference, he had recently gone through a break up and was very much torn apart over it. His ex moved to Canada and he decided not to follow, because he didn't want to. That's what he told me. When we got talking, we were merely chit-chatting about everything under the sun, we found out that we have a similar style, we're both very artistic, musicians (drums here, guitar for him) and otherwise share a lot of the same interests and views. I was consoling him here and there about his breakup, he was sad sometimes, it had only been ca. 2 months since it happened. He got over it very quickly. That's the bit I find most concerning, I've never had good experiences with guys/men fresh out of a relationship. We have talked about it, and he assures me there is nothing left for his ex. That he is very much invested in me and is happy. We do seem to be of good influence to one another, I work full-time and I think I have gotten quite far in life already. He's a student and is starting up a guitar teaching business, he's also making money through trading/selling equipment on the side. Despite me being financially well-off, he has sent me flowers, made me very thoughtful presents and even ordered me my favourite drummer's signature snare. Which was not cheap. I feel the need to mention this because people don't usually make me such presents. 

As of today, we have exchanged "I love yous", we video call a lot, play games, and otherwise spend over 10h per day on the phone (we sleep/nap together on the phone, when the other has to do stuff and be productive they mute themselves), it's not a relationship per-se and we don't technically even know each other, but we're somehow very happy. We plan on meeting in October. That is most likely the earliest we can do because of his classes and he also has a surgery coming up. He has already set aside the money for that trip and also the trip after that, if/when that happens. The way he sees it, if everything works out and we're happy, next year he will rent a place close to me in my city and we can take it from there. 

I know that I feel happy and loved, but I don't know what to think. I'm very analytical and none of this "makes sense" to me. It feels too good to be true, and the fact that it hasn't even been 3 months + long distance is just, for the lack of a better term, weird. I know I can't take anything he says at face value, but I do trust him. And I know that my side of the street is clean, so to speak. I've been single for a while, had a crush on somebody, but otherwise I'm content and not "in need" of anybody. If it fails, I'll be sad but I'll be okay. 

What are your thoughts? I can't tell if I'm being daft. For the first time in my life I have a relationship with somebody that feels healthy. It wasn't like this with any of my exes, the friends I've had, my parents, it's always been manipulative people, toxicity and lies. So my guard is still up. 

Edited April 11, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Agentra said:

 spend over 10h per day on the phone . We plan on meeting in October. 

Sorry this is happening. 10hrs a day on the phone is way too much.

In that time you could be making money working or studying or joining some groups and clubs or getting involved in sports and fitness. 

You could be spending time with real life people and dating in person.

Who contacted who? Why choose someone in a different country ? 

Perhaps it fills a void or loneliness?  However this 10hr habit is driving you further into isolation and loneliness.

[Agentra]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. 10hrs a day on the phone is way too much.

In that time you could be making money working or studying or joining some groups and clubs or getting involved in sports and fitness. 

You could be spending time with real life people and dating in person.

Who contacted who? Why choose someone in a different country ? 

Perhaps it fills a void or loneliness?  However this 10hr habit is driving you further into isolation and loneliness.

Well, the 10h thing isn't really a big deal to me personally. I'm usually asleep 6-8 of those hours, he sleeps for around 3h with me and then works on his music/homework and runs errands. I've always been very anti-social, after I get off work I drum for a couple hours and then get on FaceTime with him while I continue doing my "normal things". I don't have friends, and I don't mind. My family, teachers and band mates are enough. I know most people want to keep company but I enjoy being alone. 

He randomly joined a group chat I was in, and we just got talking there. It was very random. The distance complicates things a lot but that's why he's talking about meeting up and moving in the end. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, Agentra said:

I'm usually asleep 6-8 of those hours, he sleeps for around 3h with me and then works on his music/homework and runs errands. He randomly joined a group chat I was in, and we just got talking there. It was very random. 

Turn your phone off when you sleep. In fact, you'll appreciate each other more if you have  dedicated time to actually communicate effectively.

Your English is superb and it's good to have distant penpals and people to converse with but sleeping with your phone on makes no sense.

[Sun Seeker]

I have been in 3 LDRs including UK-USA so have a lot of experience.

You have been talking for 2.5 months, and he wants to wait another 8 months until you meet?

Sounds like he is wasting your time if he can't even be bothered to take a week or two to jump on a flight to see you. I'm sure he has some breaks from his classes.

Not to mention this whole recent breakup, you could very well be a rebound and just filling a void. The fact he is not bothered about meeting you re enforces that.

You are getting way too invested with the 10hr daily calls with someone you don't even know and have not even met. Take a step back, start meeting local people in real life, until you two can actually meet.

Don't pause your life waiting around for someone that can very easily do a 180 at any moment.

[ExpatInItaly]

Be careful here, OP. 

You're both getting very caught up in the fantasy of what this could be, but the truth is that you don't know each other on a deep level. I would also be wary of someone who wants to spend hours a day on the phone, including when they're sleeping. That would be way too much for me, and would make me wonder what sort of attachment issues might be at play here. What is the point of staying connected to a call if he's sleeping? I don't imagine you do that with any of your real-life friends, do you? 

What I get from this is that you met him when he was on the rebound from his ex and is trying to find someone to slot into the void she left behind. Hence all the "I love yous" and 10-hour phone calls. He misses the constant companionship and is trying to fit you into that role. Add to that your signficant distance and the fact that you can't meet for a long time...it doesn't sound promising. 

I don't mean to be a downer, but I would not hedge too many bets on this. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes.

One man asked to fly out to see me for two weeks as our first date after only talking for a couple weeks (I thought that was a bit much initially so declined) but waiting 8 months to meet initially seems like nonsense.

Too much calling and texting communication before actually meeting is like putting the cart in front of the horse.

I would scale it way back a bit if this is something that you wish to pursue.

 

[glows]

Keep this very simple up until the point you do meet. 

He claims to have set aside the resources to see you (twice even if need be) and he also claims to move to where you are should it lead to that in the future. You have virtually zero investment in this except for your time and emotions. You say that you’re a self-described loner and keep to yourself but the risk in being so isolated also means your social life revolves around one person - this guy. 

I am not completely against long distance relationships yet most of the time they are not feasible because of lack of resources in travel and relocation is difficult. You’ve also never met before which is very different from a couple who might have already spent a good amount of time together in person dating. 

My suggestion is to have more self-control with how much time you’re spending on the phone or online with him. Cultivate other interests and round yourself out a bit more. Put this in perspective and let time do the talking. 

There’s a very real possibility he’s lying or not telling the truth about his ex or his plans to visit you may fall through for any reason. The likelihood he’s on the rebound is very high too. Six months from now all this enthusiasm may wear off and he may disappear or stop responding to you. There’s also the possibility he will follow through but relocating isn’t possible after all. Slow it way down and treat him as a casual acquaintance or online/gaming friend. 

[JRabbit]

Stop saying I love yous with someone you don't know and have not met. This is not healthy.  How are you both working and on the phone 10hrs a day?

[smackie9]

play it by ear and see where it takes you. Just remember if you meet someone locally, choose the one that is the closest to you. Never put your life on hold. 

[SingFish]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

10hrs a day on the phone is way too much.

I don't know...might be just times we live in. Most of life is electronic for many of us now. Work/social life/ supportgroups/study...mine has been mostly online for almost 2 years. I suppose if I attached to someone it would not be that strange, just a follow on from never hardly seeing people any more. 

Reminds me of earlier times, except they'd be infrequent letters not 10 hour videochats!

People do meet/marry this way I think. 

[Foxhall]

Guys who are at a loose end or even just taking a break from real life can be happy to engage in this type of online fantasy for quite a while,

Id have my doubts about his intentions to make it happen in reality based on a few guys I know who have carried on at this,

at least you have a date in mind for when things are supposed to get moving,

its a whole different ball game then actually making the effort, getting on a plane and so on,

maybe its ok to give it one year of your life but if October becomes well into 2023,  you know you could waste a lot of your life at this too.

Likewise Id suggest dialing down the daily interactions, find other things to occupy your mind and keep it more casual- talk maybe once a week or something.

 

 

[SingFish]

45 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

make it happen in reality

You mean like move in together/marry?

I don't think there is anything wrong with the online/phone stuff so long as both people are happy with it.

 

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Agentra said:

we video call a lot, play games, and otherwise spend over 10h per day on the phone (we sleep/nap together on the phone, when the other has to do stuff and be productive they mute themselves)

This is a huge red flag.

If you were actually dating in real life, spending 10h a day with a man that you did not even know 3 months ago would be way too much, way too fast. There is no balance in this - you need to continue to live your own life and do your own thing as you get to know this net person. 

I’m not going to say that it can’t work out - I have a friend who met her husband online and he moved from another country to marry her. That said - reality check - you do not know this person. Spending time together online in this way creates a false sense of intimacy but the truth is - you have never met this man in person. And again, even if you had met him at a party with friends, you are way too invested/involved with each other for a “relationship” that didn’t exist three months ago.

Be very careful here. My best advice is to cut down on the video calls, live your life, make a plan to meet if you want but remember - this is not a romantic relationship, you have never even met this man in real life.

Edited February 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[SingFish]

24 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is a huge red flag.

If you were actually dating in real life, spending 10h a day with a man that you did not even know 3 months ago would be way too much, way too fast. There is no balance in this - you need to continue to live your own life and do your own thing as you get to know this net person. 

I’m not going to say that it can’t work out - I have a friend who met her husband online and he moved from another country to marry her. That said - reality check - you do not know this person. Spending time together online in this way creates a false sense of intimacy but the truth is - you have never met this man in person. And again, even if you had met him at a party with friends, you are way too invested/involved with each other for a “relationship” that didn’t exist three months ago.

Be very careful here. My best advice is to cut down on the video calls, live your life, make a plan to meet if you want but remember - this is not a romantic relationship, you have never even met this man in real life.

Right, I do get that- 0 to 10 hours a day very fast...bit fast is what people are saying. I thought people meant the online/phone thing was strange, which I don't think it is in 2022 world. 

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Agentra said:

What are your thoughts? I can't tell if I'm being daft. For the first time in my life I have a relationship with somebody that feels healthy. 

Umm, no.  I'm sorry but this is the opposite of healthy, this is a massive mistake and a waste of time.  You are getting so overly invested and caught up in a fantasy of a person who you really DO NOT know.  Spending 10 hours a day on the phone and exchanging "I love you's" with a stranger from the internet is such a huge mistake.  This is not a real relationship, I'm sorry.  All these hours and hours per day that you are putting into this could be better spent on other things.  You don't even know this man enough to know if he is worth this much of your time.  Dating locally is the healthy way to get to know someone.

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Dating locally is the healthy way to get to know someone.

I agree completely. 

Relationships progress naturally over time as you get to know the other individual in person.

I missed that last sentence - spending 10 hours a day online with a man that you have never met in person is the opposite of healthy. 

Edited February 11, 2022 by BaileyB

[Noproblem]

I think you are living a dream, a bubble, enjoy it before it bursts.

He is willing to live near you, but wasn't willing to move from America to Canada for his ex?

weird, but ok!

Enjoy this "thing" you have, it is fun while it lasts. 

 

[Confoosedgal]

16 hours ago, Agentra said:

For the first time in my life I have a relationship with somebody that feels healthy.

I'm curious. Have you been in many other unhealthy relationships?

You can keep it to what it is but I would recommend looking for people who are in your area and keep this guy as a fantasy pen pal. The fact that he wants to wait until the end of the year to see you is an enormous red flag and the fact that he was so heartbroken over a RECENT breakup is another huge sign that he's not ready to move on, he's just trying to fill the void that his ex once filled. I know because I've done it a few times. Fill all my time and days with a rebound or person to keep me distracted. 

Keep it to whatever you want, but do not become 100% invested in him. Keep your options open UNTIL he meets you. And if he does want to meet you, have him move it up to Spring Break in March or April. It's been enough time. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, SingFish said:

Right, I do get that- 0 to 10 hours a day very fast...bit fast is what people are saying. I thought people meant the online/phone thing was strange, which I don't think it is in 2022 world. 

It's the fact that they spend 10 hours a day on the phone together, even when they're not talking to each other, that is strange. 

Yes, even in a 2022 world. It suggests an unhealthy attachment, particularly when they don't know each other in real life. 

 

[Agentra]

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it a lot! I thought about trying to multi-quote different points but I feel like making a collective post might be better. 

The 10h phone thing.
Most of it we are asleep. I work from 8 to 5, he goes to class 3 days per week for a couple hours and otherwise works on his music, upcoming online business and homework. Aside from him adjusting his sleep schedule by some hours, we're continuing normal lives. I feel like @SingFish made an excellent point regards to it being 2022 and long distance couples being able to stay in touch. I was quite surprised to see it be brought up so many times since to us it's just a comfort. In past relationships at the 2 month mark I've slept over with the person plenty of times and to me it feels like the same thing. 

Rebound
This is my main concern. Mainly thanks to my past experiences and the time I've spent on this forum. I can only take his word, we've talked about this. According to him this is out of the question. His explanation for that, I'm not sure how relevant it is, but it sounds genuine to me. They were together for 8-9 months and when she left, he just didn't want to follow. He claims it feels different with me and he will do what he can to make this work in the real world.

Meeting in 8 months
The long wait is on me. My first vacation will be in summer, when he will be recovering from his surgery. Many times he has suggested traveling to see me for a weekend, but dropping over 1500 on a weekend trip makes no sense. He has even suggested postponing his surgery, which I gave a hard "no" to. It's no "life or death" situation, but the surgery will help him with his constant migraines, hearing problems, and some other things. My next vacation is in October. We plan on meeting in Spain. 

I was asked if I've been in unhealthy relationships before, and yes, all of them have been unhealthy. With lots of cheating, lies, abuse, the list goes on. I wish I could have something healthy to reflect back on, but I really don't, so I turned here. I'm not trying to argue anybody's points, I do hope it doesn't come across that way. This is a sensitive topic for me and something I've never experienced before, having a chat with you folks helps me think things through and look at it from a different perspective. I definitely see where all of you are coming from, these are all thoughts I've had before, I appreciate them being voiced finally. 

Not sure if this holds any weight but some of the "weird deeds", like impulsive presents and what not, I write off to us being musicians. Being into music doesn't necessarily make you disordered, but most people I've met in this genre of music, rock and metal, are quite chaotic. Sweet, kind, passionate, and chaotic. 

I'm doing my best to keep my head out of the clouds. We haven't met, chatting and calling isn't real life, but it feels very nice, this thing. For the first time I'm not looked at in a funny way or judged/compared, it feels good. If it works out, great, if it doesn't, it's been an experience and made me quite happy. I'll continue focusing most of my energy into my work and music, but I will enjoy this as well. 

[Agentra]

Again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate you. 

[SingFish]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's the fact that they spend 10 hours a day on the phone together, even when they're not talking to each other, that is strange. 

Yes, even in a 2022 world. It suggests an unhealthy attachment, particularly when they don't know each other in real life. 

 

Sadly I think this is real life for many of us in 2022. I can't ever remember being so isolated as during this pandemic and I'm here at 2 am writing this because a nightmare woke me up and there's no one here to tell! I totally understand people reaching out to each other and this connection seems way healthier than some of the other things people get drawn to online because of loneliness and requiring a distraction etc. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Agentra said:

 In past relationships at the 2 month mark I've slept over with the person plenty of times and to me it feels like the same thing. 

That's just it, though. 

This isn't a relationship, and you have never met this guy. That's why (to me) it's a red flag that would make me very uncomfortable. 

[SingFish]

25 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's just it, though. 

This isn't a relationship, and you have never met this guy. That's why (to me) it's a red flag that would make me very uncomfortable. 

I understand that too. What is considered a relationship is different for each person. 

But truthfully @Agentra has more of a relationship/connection than I have in my life currently! I've had to keep covid-free for work so practically my only communications are texts and online. I hardly ever see anyone in real life!

Plus I was married to a man for several years and turns out I barely knew him I'm embarrassed to say 😳 

If someone has a correspondence/electronic-relationship and 'falls in love' is it less valid. I did OLD and thought that was strange, the people I did actually meet in person but they were not like the image they had created online.