After 8 mos exclusive, seems like we're going nowhere.

[Hazel23]

It's been 8 mos for me and my guy. We have one overnight together a week because that is all he seems to "have time for". I'm 42, he's 53. Neither one of us have kids, and we live an hour apart. He acts like he's in love with me when we're together, very affectionate, introduced me to all the important people in his life, coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc., and we are "exclusive", but I don't hear from him every day, and he's never once talked about his emotions for me. Often, he will tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, or hot, but never says he misses me or cares about me, and there's zero emotional expression or talk of the future (not for lack of trying on my part, but I don't push it with him).

I've brought it up a few times, but it's clear he's uncomfortable and gives me blow off answers like "this is all I have time for" and then a quick change of subject. I'm getting so depressed over it and resenting him for making me feel so unwanted. I feel starved for his love, and I'm getting bitter at him for creating this longing in me...it makes me feel degraded. Like, he only wants to be with me when he has nothing better to do.  I'm in the process now of trying to detach from him, so I can leave. Being in a relationship like this is destroying my mental health. It's hard though, because he's SO good to me WHEN we're together.

Seems like he's an avoidant when it comes to love. I am secure attached, but this is making me anxious attached, and it's hard to cope with. I could handle the once a week to be honest, if he gave me more of an emotional anchor with some verbal expressions of emotion, but NOTHING.

Any good methods to help me break the spell would be appreciated. I need to end this with him for the sake of my own self worth. He's not going to change and suddenly make me a priority. [ ]  It sucks. So sick of feeling like I don't matter. 

Edited February 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, Hazel Jade said:

 We have one overnight together a week because that is all he seems to "have time for". I'm 42, he's 53.

You seem quite unsatisfied and frustrated at this arrangement. You seem to be on different wavelengths and somewhat incompatible.  8 mos. is long enough to know if it's working and so far it isn't happy for you. You seem to describe him as an out-of-sight-out-of-mind type of guy and that doesn't suit you.

 Is this the same man?:

 

[Happy Lemming]

If someone is important to you... you make the time to see them.  I'm guessing your boyfriend does like you, but you are not a priority in his life.

I consider one hour an "average" drive time for a relationship.  So that isn't an excuse he can hang his hat on.

A few years back, I was dating someone that lived about 45-60 minutes away.  We were seeing each other just on the weekends.  I (wrongly) thought her job was very demanding, so I didn't push for any contact during the week.  When she explained that her job was quite easy (for her), we worked out a weekly "Wednesday Date/overnight visit" into our schedules.  I brought my work clothes with me (for Thursday) and left for work from her place.  This was important to her, so I made the sacrifice to drive farther to work from her place.  You make adjustments to make your partner happy.  It doesn't appear as though this gentleman wants to do that.

As far as "breaking the spell"... you are not happy and you deserve to be happy.  There is a "lid for every pot" out there.  Your perfect guy is out there, he is searching for you; get out of this unsatisfying relationship and go find him.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Hazel Jade said:

It's been 8 mos for me and my guy. We have one overnight together a week because that is all he seems to "have time for". I'm 42, he's 53. Neither one of us have kids, and we live an hour apart. He acts like he's in love with me when we're together, very affectionate, introduced me to all the important people in his life, coworkers, friends, neighbors, etc., and we are "exclusive", but I don't hear from him every day, and he's never once talked about his emotions for me. Often, he will tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, or hot, but never says he misses me or cares about me, and there's zero emotional expression or talk of the future (not for lack of trying on my part, but I don't push it with him).

I've brought it up a few times, but it's clear he's uncomfortable and gives me blow off answers like "this is all I have time for" and then a quick change of subject. I'm getting so depressed over it and resenting him for making me feel so unwanted. I feel starved for his love, and I'm getting bitter at him for creating this longing in me...it makes me feel degraded. Like, he only wants to be with me when he has nothing better to do.  I'm in the process now of trying to detach from him, so I can leave. Being in a relationship like this is destroying my mental health. It's hard though, because he's SO good to me WHEN we're together.

Seems like he's an avoidant when it comes to love. I am secure attached, but this is making me anxious attached, and it's hard to cope with. I could handle the once a week to be honest, if he gave me more of an emotional anchor with some verbal expressions of emotion, but NOTHING.

Any good methods to help me break the spell would be appreciated. I need to end this with him for the sake of my own self worth. He's not going to change and suddenly make me a priority. f*** this. It sucks. So sick of feeling like I don't matter. 

I've been guilty of doing this and it's best that you cut your losses as the other person either doesn't see you in the same way (as you do with him - think: he's just not that into you) or there's something else amiss. I think he's holding out for something better. When I've done this with someone it wasn't conscious. I didn't consider that person someone I'd necessarily want to open up to or be interested in sharing anything deeper with so there was a disconnect. It became more or less imbalanced as his feelings grew and he wanted to spend more time with me but I wasn't willing to adjust my life for that person. 

Since you've already brought it up with him, let him go. You sound very unhappy and leaning towards resentful. Free yourself to be with someone who appreciates you more.

[Hazel23]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You seem quite unsatisfied and frustrated at this arrangement. You seem to be on different wavelengths and somewhat incompatible.  8 mos. is long enough to know if it's working and so far it isn't happy for you. You seem to describe him as an out-of-sight-out-of-mind type of guy and that doesn't suit you.

 Is this the same man?:

 

Yes, same guy. I am pretty independent and don't need to hear from someone I'm dating every day. It's actually nice because we have a lot to catch up on when we see each other ONE overnight a week. I'm more bothered by the fact that he won't express any emotion towards me. His actions (when we are actually together) say he loves me, but then he turns around and just keeps me at arm's length. Constantly getting close to me, then backing up. It's maddening. Never mind the mixed signals that we spent the holidays together., I've met all the important people in his life (this matters because if he was seeing someone else, he'd look like a huge jerk to his co-workers, neighbors, friends who he's gone out of his way to introduce me to). I really think I could make this relationship work if I had more of an emotional anchor from him. I need SOME reassurance. I've been calm, cool and collected which is probably why this is still dragging on. I'm better than an exclusive fwb which is really what this feels like. Can't seem to stop meeting emotionally unavailable men. I just need to rip the bandaid off and end it. I'll miss him though. The time we spend together is blissful. It's a s*** situation to be in. 

 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Hazel Jade said:

Yes, same guy. I am pretty independent and don't need to hear from someone I'm dating every day. It's actually nice because we have a lot to catch up on when we see each other ONE overnight a week. I'm more bothered by the fact that he won't express any emotion towards me. His actions (when we are actually together) say he loves me, but then he turns around and just keeps me at arm's length. Constantly getting close to me, then backing up. It's maddening. Never mind the mixed signals that we spent the holidays together., I've met all the important people in his life (this matters because if he was seeing someone else, he'd look like a huge jerk to his co-workers, neighbors, friends who he's gone out of his way to introduce me to). I really think I could make this relationship work if I had more of an emotional anchor from him. I need SOME reassurance. I've been calm, cool and collected which is probably why this is still dragging on. I'm better than an exclusive fwb which is really what this feels like. Can't seem to stop meeting emotionally unavailable men. I just need to rip the bandaid off and end it. I'll miss him though. The time we spend together is blissful. It's a s*** situation to be in. 

 

I'd explain clearly one more time where you stand and what you need from a loving relationship. It's only eight months so you may have gotten attached very quickly. I think meeting each others' families is too soon. Not everyone is verbal in their affections. 

This part in your earlier post is what stood out to me most: "I've brought it up a few times, but it's clear he's uncomfortable and gives me blow off answers like "this is all I have time for" and then a quick change of subject." He's not emotionally unavailable. He's dismissing what you're saying. He hears you but he doesn't care.

You may never know why he's like this and he may not tell you that you're not the right person for him. In my situation I came out and told the person honestly that he wasn't the man I'd be looking for and we were incompatible in the long term. Not everyone can say that. They just exist indefinitely or refuse to see the issue. Use your wits and just be honest with yourself that this isn't working for you. 

 

[Hazel23]

22 minutes ago, glows said:

I've been guilty of doing this and it's best that you cut your losses as the other person either doesn't see you in the same way (as you do with him - think: he's just not that into you) or there's something else amiss. I think he's holding out for something better. When I've done this with someone it wasn't conscious. I didn't consider that person someone I'd necessarily want to open up to or be interested in sharing anything deeper with so there was a disconnect. It became more or less imbalanced as his feelings grew and he wanted to spend more time with me but I wasn't willing to adjust my life for that person. 

Since you've already brought it up with him, let him go. You sound very unhappy and leaning towards resentful. Free yourself to be with someone who appreciates you more.

While I have SHEEPISHLY broached the topic, we have had NO discussion about what we are, or how we feel, other than a few months in where we both agreed to date exclusively. I don't even know how to bring it up to him how unhappy I am. I was thinking something along the lines of "Do I kill these feelings I have for you, or encourage them, because I can do both. But I can't do limbo. Do you want this or NOT??" 

There's a good chance that if I have this conversation with him, that he will profess some emotion for me. He initiates all of our dates. While he's spent the night at my place, almost all of the overnights are at his house. He's told me all of his friends and coworkers think I'm great. One of his buddies even told me I was "out of his league." He's definitely attracted to me. He loves to show me off. He is proud to be with me, but there is something about him (dismissive avoidant??) that is just stopping us from growing this. 

 I want to be sure I'm strong enough to let him go when I have the "what are we?" conversation because it's a 50/50 shot that he'll say "this was fun! bye!" or "don't leave". It's truly a crap shoot. A lovers Russian Roulette. I can't let it keep going like this. I've even tried convincing myself "ooh! I'm so grateful he's making time for me in his busy life!" Brainwashing myself, actually.  Sucks. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Hazel Jade said:

While I have SHEEPISHLY broached the topic, we have had NO discussion about what we are, or how we feel, other than a few months in where we both agreed to date exclusively. I don't even know how to bring it up to him how unhappy I am. I was thinking something along the lines of "Do I kill these feelings I have for you, or encourage them, because I can do both. But I can't do limbo. Do you want this or NOT??" 

There's a good chance that if I have this conversation with him, that he will profess some emotion for me. He initiates all of our dates. While he's spent the night at my place, almost all of the overnights are at his house. He's told me all of his friends and coworkers think I'm great. One of his buddies even told me I was "out of his league." He's definitely attracted to me. He loves to show me off. He is proud to be with me, but there is something about him (dismissive avoidant??) that is just stopping us from growing this. 

 I want to be sure I'm strong enough to let him go when I have the "what are we?" conversation because it's a 50/50 shot that he'll say "this was fun! bye!" or "don't leave". It's truly a crap shoot. A lovers Russian Roulette. I can't let it keep going like this. I've even tried convincing myself "ooh! I'm so grateful he's making time for me in his busy life!" Brainwashing myself, actually.  Sucks. 

Why are you categorizing him in attachment styles? He is either for you or not for you. Avoid playing psychiatrist on a guy you've been involved with for less than a year. Avoid playing psychiatrist, period. You're splitting hairs and going around in circles. 

Just communicate what you'd like more of in the relationship and be demonstrative yourself. What you ask for, be that person also. If it's not reciprocated then you are not a match. 

I would not say this:  "Do I kill these feelings I have for you, or encourage them, because I can do both. But I can't do limbo. Do you want this or NOT??" It is dramatic and pushes a person into a corner. If you want someone to react badly or be irritated with you do this. 

Be clear in what you want and be that kind of partner also. Right now it seems like you are nitpicking and using too much psycho babble to justify a person who is just not compatible with you.

[FMW]

How long since his last relationship?  Maybe he's still dealing with that ending and doesn't have enough emotional availability for more than short periods of time.

Whatever the reason, you are clearly very unhappy with the situation.  If he refuses to discuss things further or continues to give you blow off answers, then your choices are to put up with that (not likely a reasonable option) or to end it.  I know that's harsh, but it's better to figure it out at 8 months rather than a few years down the road.   

[smackie9]

Just come out and say it....tell him that there is no emotional verbal expression coming from him, and after 8 months, you need that connection. If he doesn't feel it enough to express it, then you need to move on, you are not willing to wait around anymore. 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Hazel Jade said:

there's zero emotional expression or talk of the future

Eight months isn’t so long, but this would be very concerning for me. The relationship isn’t progressing and he has given you no sign that he wants the relationship to progress further. If this is something that you want for your life, I may need to find someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hazel Jade said:

I can't let it keep going like this. I've even tried convincing myself "ooh! I'm so grateful he's making time for me in his busy life!"

Once a week for 8 mos. is what, 32 dates? It seems to be stagnating despite the time together being good.

Keep in mind, people make time for what is important to them. What, exactly, is he so busy with?

The most pressing thing to you however is a lack of connection and the sense of him just coasting along.

Edited February 7, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Hazel23]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

How long since his last relationship?  Maybe he's still dealing with that ending and doesn't have enough emotional availability for more than short periods of time.

Whatever the reason, you are clearly very unhappy with the situation.  If he refuses to discuss things further or continues to give you blow off answers, then your choices are to put up with that (not likely a reasonable option) or to end it.  I know that's harsh, but it's better to figure it out at 8 months rather than a few years down the road.   

He's been divorced for 20 years and has never once mentioned an ex gf. He mentioned he and his ex WIFE from 20 yrs ago, and said the marriage made him feel like he "couldn't do all the things" he wanted to do, i.e., having to compromise sometimes.  I think he's just a selfish man. 

[Hazel23]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Why are you categorizing him in attachment styles? He is either for you or not for you. Avoid playing psychiatrist on a guy you've been involved with for less than a year. Avoid playing psychiatrist, period. You're splitting hairs and going around in circles. 

Just communicate what you'd like more of in the relationship and be demonstrative yourself. What you ask for, be that person also. If it's not reciprocated then you are not a match. 

I would not say this:  "Do I kill these feelings I have for you, or encourage them, because I can do both. But I can't do limbo. Do you want this or NOT??" It is dramatic and pushes a person into a corner. If you want someone to react badly or be irritated with you do this. 

Be clear in what you want and be that kind of partner also. Right now it seems like you are nitpicking and using too much psycho babble to justify a person who is just not compatible with you.

You don't have to be a brain scientist or a specialist in psyche to see that the man is clearly behaving in an avoidant attachment style. No one is psycho babbling anyone. No one is diagnosing anyone. Textbook behavior can easily be identified.  He's just wasting my time and I need to end it. I just came here to vent about it. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Hazel Jade said:

 the marriage made him feel like he "couldn't do all the things" he wanted to do, i.e., having to compromise sometimes.

Read up on Peter Pan Syndrome.

[Hazel23]

40 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Eight months isn’t so long, but this would be very concerning for me. The relationship isn’t progressing and he has given you no sign that he wants the relationship to progress further. If this is something that you want for your life, I may need to find someone else. 

This is my biggest issue. I don't need to spend every waking minute with him. I don't need to talk to him every day. I just need some type of emotional anchor. It's so confusing because when we are together, he's VERY affectionate, and not in a sexual way necessarily, but a loving way. He makes me feel loved when we are together through his actions (never words, he's just not verbally expressive, I've told myself). I really don't know what to do. I guess I'll just have to find a non-threatening way to ask him how he feels about me. 

[chillii]

Yeah , do you love him , do you want more of a real relationship , do you wanna build a life with someone ? As well as all of the emotional sides that are missing for you.

lf he is someone you'd like all that with too then a day a wk isn't even same planet. There's 6days and nights in a wk left so he has longgggg way to go on that, doesn't sound too likely. If it's just the emotional side, yeah l agree with others, def' talk to him first if your happy with the rest. It doesn't mean you have to walk out that second, you can go away and think about whatever his response. But he's obviously not much of an expressionist in those ways anyway so even an improvement in his eyes probably won't be much or enough. It's either just the way he is or he just doesn't feel it. Either way , if you want this then talk to him first before any decisions .

Edited February 7, 2022 by chillii

[Hazel23]

15 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah , do you love him , do you want more of a real relationship , do you wanna build a life with someone ? As well as all of the emotional sides that are missing for you.

lf he is someone you'd like all that with too then a day a wk isn't even same planet. There's 6days and nights in a wk left so he has longgggg way to go on that, doesn't sound too likely. If it's just the emotional side, yeah l agree with others, def' talk to him first if your happy with the rest. It doesn't mean you have to walk out that second, you can go away and think about whatever his response. But he's obviously not much of an expressionist in those ways anyway so even an improvement in his eyes probably won't be much or enough. It's either just the way he is or he just doesn't feel it. Either way , if you want this then talk to him first before any decisions .

Thanks. This past weekend we were just talking, and I said, "I spend a lot of time alone" and he immediately jumped on that and told me how much he is also alone. He has an executive level job that requires a lot from him, he has a hobby that he is obsessed with that takes up a lot of his time, and he's also building a vacation cabin. He IS busy. But, I also think he just likes relaxing by himself. The reason I'm still with him 8 mos later is because I thought he was just taking things slow and being cautious. I hoped he would eventually come around, and he has surprised me by bringing me to events, introducing me to the people in his life, etc.  He's a very calm, controlled, and unemotional man, while at the same time being outgoing, friendly, and physically loving (very PDA). His behavior has done my head in. He's the most mixed signaling man I've ever met. I have even tried to convince myself that it's fine. There are no other women. He's being loyal to me. I'm being too needy. Maybe this is just how he is. This is better than nothing, etc., I've tried so hard to be happy with the loving scraps he throws me. It's just not enough for me though. I need some words of affirmation, damn it! I'm just so sad. 

 

Edited February 7, 2022 by Hazel Jade

[Hazel23]

17 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah , do you love him , do you want more of a real relationship , do you wanna build a life with someone ? As well as all of the emotional sides that are missing for you.

lf he is someone you'd like all that with too then a day a wk isn't even same planet. There's 6days and nights in a wk left so he has longgggg way to go on that, doesn't sound too likely. If it's just the emotional side, yeah l agree with others, def' talk to him first if your happy with the rest. It doesn't mean you have to walk out that second, you can go away and think about whatever his response. But he's obviously not much of an expressionist in those ways anyway so even an improvement in his eyes probably won't be much or enough. It's either just the way he is or he just doesn't feel it. Either way , if you want this then talk to him first before any decisions .

And, I wouldn't say that I am in love with him. I do care about him though. When we start to get closer or have a great weekend together with a lot of affection and laughter, he won't contact me for a few days. He keeps me at arm's length, so he's sort of prevented my feelings from getting any deeper. Maybe intentional, maybe not. The man is a mystery to me. 

[picaso3183]

4 hours ago, Hazel Jade said:

Yes, same guy. I am pretty independent and don't need to hear from someone I'm dating every day. It's actually nice because we have a lot to catch up on when we see each other ONE overnight a week. I'm more bothered by the fact that he won't express any emotion towards me. His actions (when we are actually together) say he loves me, but then he turns around and just keeps me at arm's length. Constantly getting close to me, then backing up. It's maddening. Never mind the mixed signals that we spent the holidays together., I've met all the important people in his life (this matters because if he was seeing someone else, he'd look like a huge jerk to his co-workers, neighbors, friends who he's gone out of his way to introduce me to). I really think I could make this relationship work if I had more of an emotional anchor from him. I need SOME reassurance. I've been calm, cool and collected which is probably why this is still dragging on. I'm better than an exclusive fwb which is really what this feels like. Can't seem to stop meeting emotionally unavailable men. I just need to rip the bandaid off and end it. I'll miss him though. The time we spend together is blissful. It's a s*** situation to be in. 

 

Very similar to me and I got good advice here. I came to the conclusion to have one last chat with her and thought I would be very clear. She did not really respond or no what to say to me. Like you I wrestled with if and how to have this chat. So after her response, or lack of I suggested cutting contact for a while to give me space to think. I suggest you maybe do this. I told her how I felt and then asked for space to think. I too like you feel like an excluisve FWB and I think she likes me and the ease and security of  having me but not enough to comitt fully to me. Basically hedging her bets. Maybe your guy is the same?

But you need to figure out what YOU want. I feel your pain and frustration I really do. People say walk away, he doesnt like you enough etc but when other areas click it is hard. BUT it is not healthy to stay out of fea of it ending.

Yes I am hurting right now and I really miss her. But I am stopping the urge to contact her. So speak your mind and then be prepared to cut contact if needed. If he genuinely wants you some space may make him express this. If he doesnt then clearly it wont work. 

Good luck

[stillafool]

Where do you want to see this relationship going in the next 6 months.  Are you wanting to marry this guy, move in with him, what do you want from him?

[chillii]

43 minutes ago, Hazel23 said:

And, I wouldn't say that I am in love with him. I do care about him though. When we start to get closer or have a great weekend together with a lot of affection and laughter, he won't contact me for a few days. He keeps me at arm's length, so he's sort of prevented my feelings from getting any deeper. Maybe intentional, maybe not. The man is a mystery to me. 

Yeah he's busy then , but you could go and help with the cabin , it'd be fun , and couple , wonder why he hasn't asked you. He might like the seclusion and time alone. From what you say though, l don't think he's feeling much more , and he's also controlled anyway on top of it so couldn't be sure of that.

Often reading womens posts around here though, see a lot of their guys are all kinda nice and treat them good but that's the limit . A lot of these guys seem to think so he does all the right things to just keep it going, but he's not feeling enough to do and show any more than that. Might be the case with yours too but l'd still talk to him first, ask him wth he wants from this how he actually feels about you and whatever this is to him and anything else you wanna know. But l agree with picasso's too, when someone seems to be scraping the barrel just to even talk about what they actually feel and it's all just seems just too hard to them , then somethings wrong.

Edited February 7, 2022 by chillii

[Hazel23]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Where do you want to see this relationship going in the next 6 months.  Are you wanting to marry this guy, move in with him, what do you want from him?

No, I don't want to get married or move in with him. I just want to know that he cares about me, and I'm not wasting my efforts on someone who could take me or leave me. 

[Hazel23]

31 minutes ago, chillii said:

Yeah he's busy then , but you could go and help with the cabin , it'd be fun , and couple , wonder why he hasn't asked you. He might like the seclusion and time alone. From what you say though, l don't think he's feeling much more , and he's also controlled anyway on top of it so couldn't be sure of that.

Often reading womens posts around here though, see a lot of their guys are all kinda nice and treat them good but that's the limit . A lot of these guys seem to think so he does all the right things to just keep it going, but he's not feeling enough to do and show any more than that. Might be the case with yours too but l'd still talk to him first, ask him wth he wants from this how he actually feels about you and whatever this is to him and anything else you wanna know. But l agree with picasso's too, when someone seems to be scraping the barrel just to even talk about what they actually feel and it's all just seems just too hard to them , then somethings wrong.

We've gone to the cabin and he has included me in a lot of the choices he's had to make regarding it. But yea, if it's SO hard for him to even say "hey, I miss you" then there's just something fundamentally wrong. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Hazel23 said:

No, I don't want to get married or move in with him. I just want to know that he cares about me, and I'm not wasting my efforts on someone who could take me or leave me. 

Okay what do you want him to do to show you he cares?  Can you be specific because if you say something to him about this he will probably ask you.